THE STORY:I don't do comedies...mainly because I don't find too many of them funny. Don't get me wrong, I'm not joyless. Its just that a bad comedy is very, very painful. Now this movie was in the Sci-fi / Adventure section of the local AAFES video store, and that's pretty much what it is. But there are parts of supposed comedy in it that I really hated. To me if a movie is a comedy, than that's it...but don't try to make it half -comedy, half action adventure...I hate that. Only the truly great film makers can pull that off.
John Canyon is not just a trucker...he's a space trucker! He has his own rig and he's independent. The "Company" controls most of the trucking in the solar system and John hates the Company. John is also in love with Cindy, a young waitress at a space station cafe. Cindy's problem is her mother is on earth and is recovering from a terrible sickness. Cindy wants to go see her but can't afford the ticket. John agrees to get her to earth as long as Cindy agrees to marry him if he gets her there. There's also Mike, an amateur trucker that loves Cindy.
On Triton, a moon of Neptune, E.G. Saggs, the big boss of the company, and Dr. Nabel have created a cyborg warrior that is practically unbeatable. Saggs betrays Nabel and has one of the warriors kill him. His plan is to take a bunch of them to Earth and conquer it. After a brawl on the space station where Keller, the trucker-boss-guy gets killed, John, Cindy and Mike take a job to deliver some "Sex dolls" to earth. They all know the cargo isn't really sex dolls, but they have to get away from the station and this shady job is all they can get. Unfortunately, John decides to go through the scum-zone, a section of space ruled by pirates. The truck is damaged and the pirates capture them. Cindy agrees to have sex with the captain of the pirates if he'll only take their cargo and let them go. The Captain turns out to be Nabel. He didn't die when Saggs betrayed him, and he rebuilt himself into a rather pathetic cyborg. One of the cyborgs breaks out of the containers and kills a lot of the pirates. This gives Cindy a chance to escape and free John and Mike. They take off to earth, but the wounded captain is onboard. Dying, the captain tells John and Mike the truth about their cargo. When they get to earth a whole kaboodle of the cyborgs are loose. John tells Cindy and Mike to take the escape pod and he'll release the cargo in the atmosphere so it will burn up on reentry. He does so but his truck is destroyed also. John releases Cindy from their deal and she marries Mike. They go see Cindy's mom, who is young and in good condition. It turns out that when she got sick at first 20 years ago she was frozen. Now that science can cure her, she's been unfrozen. John is smitten with her. But within the few days or so that this story unfolded, Saggs has been elected World President. He visits the heroes in the hospital and offers John a new truck and a suitcase full of money if the group will keep quiet about his cyborg plan. John agrees, nut mike is angry. he throws the suitcase out of the window just as Saggs is getting in his limo. Saggs has, of course planted a bomb in the case and pushes the detonator button just as the case hits his limo, killing himself. With Saggs dead and earth safe, Mike, Cindy, John and Cindy's mom blast off in the brand new truck that Saggs gave them.
Okay, this flick wasn't bad. Its the kind of movie where you turn your reasoning skills off and just go for the ride. Personally I would have liked it more if they didn't try for the humor parts. But that's just me. Keller, the mean truck-boss-guy was played by our favorite barfly, George Wendt, AKA Norm from Cheers! Mike was played by Stephen Dorff, the evil vampire dude from the movie Blade. John was played by Dennis Hopper. Nabel and Cindy I've seen before but I didn't bother to find the actor's names. probably because I didn't care.
Best Lines:"All they sent back was his dick."- Delia, a female trucker lamenting the death of a friend by the pirates.
"I emit a low amp electrical Wang-pulse designed to drive women crazy."- The Captain (Nabel) when he tries to seduce Cindy. This was a low point in this movie. I got tired of dick jokes when I was in high school.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.)You'd think Nabel the genius would have included a command NOT to kill him when he gives Sagg's complete control over the cyborgs. Nabel must have known about Sagg's intentions. I would have. But then that happens in movies and TV a lot. A really smart guy gives an evil guy the ultimate weapon and the evil guy kills him right afterward. Dumbass. Take a hint from Fox Mulder...TRUST NO ONE!
2.)Holy [unwrite]! Its Norm!
3.)This movie has a nightmare for me in it....Country Music survives into the 21st century! Yikes!
4.)John tries to disengage the cargo containers when the truck is damaged but a computer controlled laser gun scares him off. The gun fires at anyone fiddling with the containers and it kills some of the pirates when they try to open them. Of course, John, Mike and Cindy can dodge the laser blasts. Why are computer controlled weapons such lousy shots in the movies? (well, they suck when its the good guys that are targets, but the bad guys always get hit.)
5.)Holy Sushi! It's Captain Harlock!* (When the pirates capture our heroes they have a huge black ship with a skull and crossbones on the front. Only anime fans will get that.)
6.)How'd John escape the truck when he was crash diving in the atmosphere? I think the director just said "[unwrite] it, he lives!"
7.) Saggs got elected president of the whole [unwrite]in' world in a few days? Right.
NUDITY AND SEX:None
HUH?:Keller's goon Jackie gets punched by John and flies backwards because its in Zero-Gravity. You can see the wires holding him up though.
The guards on the space station shoot out a window and depressurize the room. That's how Keller dies, being sucked out of a window. I guess no one thought that projectile weapons might be a bad idea on a space station. Of course, the scene with fat George Wendt being sucked out of a tiny window was supposed to be a little humorous...I'll tell you now...it wasn't.
John, an experienced Astronaut (you'd have to be to be a space trucker wouldn't you?) goes outside the truck w/o a tether! Don't space truckers have to study any Newton? One good push and you'd be floating, lost in the dark, cold, heartless void of space!
When John and Mike find the Captain in the cargo hold they have to wear spacesuits. The captain doesn't. Fine, he's dying, but he's a cyborg. Maybe he has some fancy-shmancy life support built in. But how can he talk to John and Mike if there's no oxygen?
THE TALLY:For what it is, this movie isn't a really bad romp. Not my usual fare, and I don't think most bad movie lovers will get into it. Its not bad enough to really make fun of (unless you're an astrophysicist I suppose) and its not action oriented enough to satisfy action fans. I recommend this for those lazy afternoons and evenings when you have nothing else to watch.
*Captain Harlock is a Japanese anime character. He's a space pirate and he has a black spaceship called the Arcadia. Of course, since he's a pirate he has a Jolly Roger (Skull and Crossbones) on his ship.