Satan's Little Helper
Rated R Runtime: 96 minutes Release: 2004
Written and directed by Jeff Lieberman
When bad things happen to the people in this movie I couldn't’ help but think “Well, they deserved it!”. My only regret was that the little kid, Douglas, didn't’t bite it by the end of the movie. To be honest his mom should have gotten killed real good too.
Its Halloween and 9 year old Douglas "Dougie" Whooly and his mother, Merrill are on their way to pick up his older sister, Jenna. Jenna is at least twice Dougie’s age since she’s coming back on Halloween specifically to take Dougie Trick or Treating. As its explained to us, she’s always taken him Trick or Treating so she feels like it’s a tradition. But Dougie is obsessed with this computer game called “Satan’s Little Helper” which is played on some small gameboy like device. It actually looks pretty lame, but the object of the game is to go around with Satan and cause as much death and destruction for points as you can. Oh, and to avoid God, who sometimes comes and stops you. Look, I didn’t make the stupid game up, I’m only telling you what I just saw on the screen. Dougie has on his Devil halloween costume and tells his mother that he plans on finding Satan and showing him what a great helper he is. (He also says he’s going to marry his sister. Mom makes an offhand comment about incest but doesn’t bother to explain how wrong and icky that is)
Unfortunately for Dougie’s strange desires, Jenna has returned home with her new boyfriend, Alex and plans for all three of them to trick or treat. This makes Dougie upset and he takes an instant dislike to Alex. Well, I know how kids can get when they don’t get their way, but Dougie stomps off as soon as they return to the house claiming he’s going to go find Satan….and no one stops him as he runs off. He does find Satan, too, in the guise of a dude in a black coat and a fright mask on. The masked stranger is decorating a house for Halloween with a real dead guy, but I guess Dougie thinks its all make believe. He asks Satan if he can be his helper, and the silent masked man agrees.
Meanwhile back at the house Jenna is talked into using her mothers old Halloween costume which is kind of a medieval wench get up, albeit with a bare midriff. (Did wenches have bare stomachs in the middle ages?) Jenna at first says she doesn’t want to look like a renaissance slut, but once she gets the outfit on (and she does look damned fine in it) she likes it. Alex decides that he’ll dress up as Satan so Dougie will bond with him more. Dougie brings “Satan” home and hides him in the basement. His wants “Satan” to take Alex and Jenna to Hell. When Alex asks Dougie to accompany him to the costume shop so he can get a Satan mask, Dougie sets it up so the masked “Satan” can ambush Alex in an alleyway and beat the [unwrite] out of him. Which was kind of funny, actually. Seriously, he kicked Alex’ ass like he owed him money. Anyway when Dougie returns with “Satan” everyone thinks its Alex in a mask even though “Satan” never speaks.
Now I know this was meant to be a black comedy and there are some parts that made me chuckle out loud, but the whole time I kept thinking “Is Dougie retarded?”. First of all, his obsession with the Devil is strange at best….if I had acted like that when I was nine my mother would have locked me in a church….or smacked the hell out of me and then locked me in a church. Ok, maybe Merrill is an atheist….she’d almost have to be to allow her 9 year old kid to have a game called “Satan’s Little Helper” in the first place. But Dougie has a paper thin grasp on reality. When he goes out to get candy for trick or treaters with Satan they end up robbing a store, killing the cashier, running over a pregnant lady with a shopping cart knocking over a baby carriage with the baby in it, running over a blind man and hanging an old lady in front of her house. When the police take "Satan" away he (off camera) pulls a Terminator and kills EVERY cop on the island. (Yeah, I forgot to mention that the town is on an island, sorry.) Dougie thinks this is all a joke and that its make believe? He even refers to this guy as “Master”. I wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer when I was nine, but I wouldn’t think a guy getting stabbed in front of me was playing around. It takes a long while for Jenna to finally realize that the guy in the mask isn’t Alex and when she does realize it, its too late to save her father. This guy gets about 3 minutes screen time tops in the one scene that really made me crack up. Dad comes home from work and is supposedly getting ready to take Merrill to a Halloween party when Dougie cries out “Satan, come here and rip his guts out!” like in the video game. And he does! That’s about the point when I started thinking “Well, you dumb asses deserved it!”. Of course seeing his father’s entrails snatched out of his gut makes Dougie instantly realize that “Satan” ain’t playing around.
The rest of the movie is okay after that, but the dark comedy part wanes away as it becomes more of a mystery of who is this guy and a hunt as Jenna finds Alex (“Satan” didn’t kill him, he just stomped him a new mudhole) and they both go looking for the killer. Yeah, “Satan” racks up more kills as the flick goes on, and there are a few more bits that are funny in a “This is just wrong!” kinda way (the killer changes into a Jesus costume….I’m probably going to get a few years in purgatory for even watching that part) but the best parts were when “Satan” was going around with this kid doing all of these crazy, evil things and Dougie was cheering him on.
I can’t call this a bad movie….it was cheap, but it was entertaining. Its too bad it petered out towards the end, but what the heck, I only paid three bucks for it. I still think the characters deserved it though. The moral for ya here is when you’re 9 year old kid starts referring to Satan as his master and you just think its harmless childish fun don’t be too surprised when the Devil shows up and sticks a carving knife in your ass.
Best Lines: “That's why I was calling you: I *do* have a costume! I'm putting together this Carmen-Miranda-and-Chiquita-Banana-type thing. It came to me in a dream. Actually, I *was* stoned.”- Merrill Whooly. Actually that kind of explains why her son, Dougie is train wreck of a kid.
“Not that the blokes will be lookin’ at me face when they’ve got these tender morsels in their hands!”- Jenna, realizing for the 1st time that she has big boobs.
Are you kidding me?
1.) Ok, I know its bordering on hypocrisy for a guy who’s web site logo is Old Scratch drinking a beer to say, but why didn’t anyone find Dougies proclamation that he wants to go find Satan alarming? I mean, even if your kid was dressed as a devil for halloween wouldn’t you try to discourage him or her from calling “Satan” their master? Am I alone in this? Am I the only one that feels just on a moral level that I’d have to nip that in the bud?
2.) What are they trying to pull? Jenna tries on her mothers old medieval wench costume against her own wishes. She says she doesn’t want to look like a Renaissance slut….but when she does put it on and looks in a mirror she gets all surprised on how good she looks, even going as far as to (talking to herself in a really bad british accent) comment on how the boys won’t be able to take their hands off of her “tender morsels” (her tits) and grabbing them. Yeah, like she didn’t know she was hot before this moment. We’re supposed to believe she didn’t realize that she had a rockin’ bod before now? Bull[unwrite]! People that look that good automatically know they look good. I refuse to believe that Jenna made it all the way to college without realizing that she was a babe.
3.) I’d make a comment on how no video game company would release a game where you can play Satan’s sidekick and get points for evil deeds, except that I’m almost sure one exists somewhere. Probably more than one. Crap, I’m scared to even check. I already have a dim enough view of society.
4.) Damn….again real life is just as strange as fiction. I was going to say that there's no way those kids (and Dougie) would believe it was fake when “Satan” hung Mrs. Tishbaum in front of them....except that it did happen this past halloween. Someone hung themselves in front of their house on Halloween and all the passerby's thought it was just a Halloween decoration…in my hometown!
5.) “Satan” shoots himself in the hand. (don’t ask) Funny thing is he can still use that hand as if nothing happened. I’m not sure now, maybe the masked guy really was Satan. After all, even if you could take the pain I’m sure the tendons, bones and nerves in your hand would be pretty tore up.
6.) The cashier at the store Dougie and “Satan” rob kind of asked for it, too. He lets them get in an alleyway before he confronts them or tries to stop them? Funk Dat. They just robbed the store, ass hole! Most times robbers carry weapons! When “Satan” stabbed him and threw him in a dumpster I’ll bet he was thinking “I shoulda just called the cops.”. Stupid ass.
7.) Thinking that "Satan" is just alex playing around and getting frisky Jenna lets him feel her up…in FRONT OF HER NINE YEAR OLD BROTHER! No wonder this kid thinks he can marry his sister.
8.) Two lines in this movie made me burst out laughing. One was when Dougie and Alex are going to the costume store. A guy with a Saddam Hussein mask comes out of the door and says “Allah be praised.” This made me chuckle because the way things are nowadays a scene like that would probably cause mass riots in the Middle East if it were shown there. (Hey, if a cartoon printed in another country could do it….) The second part is when the town is in pandemonium “Satan” is standing on the street and a guy with a Pig-Man mask runs up to him and says “What up my nigga!” and they do this whole street-handshake-thing. I don’t know why that struck me as funny, but it did.
NUDITY AND SEX: We meet Alex’s father as he’s taking a shower with his young girlfriend. We see her boobs. Jenna’s boobs are bursting out of the bodice she has on (but do not unfortunately make it all of the way) and even Dougie says “I can see your boomies!”. (boomies?)
While Jenna thinks “Satan” is Alex he corners her and feels her up and kisses her (through a latex mask) on her bare stomach causing her to swoon in the throes of erotic passion for a second. Geez…this is the chick that said earlier she didn’t want to look like a slut in front of Alex because she hadn’t known him that long? No wonder! Obviously a mere touch or kiss more and she would have had her thighs around his head.
Remember when you were a kid and your parents told you not to talk to or go with strange people you don’t know? Especially around Halloween when wierdoes seem to crawl out of the woodwork. Well, no one told Dougie that.
Call me cruel, but when “Satan” punched old Mrs. Tishbaum in the gut and sent her flying across the room I had to laugh. This goes back to the old “She asked for it!”. I mean come on, this old ass woman that uses a walker could see him through the door and even says “Aren’t you too old for trick or treating?” and opens the door. He didn’t have Dougie with him so it wasn’t like she could think he was taking a kid trick or treating. Geez-Louise, old ladies like that in my neighborhood wouldn’t open the door for me when I was collecting money for my paper route….and half of ‘em babysat me when I was a toddler!
Here's a question: Mrs. Tishbaum asks “Satan” where he got his coat. I thought she said “It looks like you stole it from a hussy.” But the imdb and a friend of mine says “It looks like you stole it from a Hasid". What's a Hasid? What's a hasid?
How did “Satan” kill every cop on the island? He must have done it fast because he had plenty of time to wrap all of their heads in plastic wrap and burn the station down.
After “Satan” kills the cops a guy runs up to Alex screaming “Anarchy” in some weird irish like voice, like he’s a monk or something in medieval Europe. When Alex gets mad and tells the guy to stop screwing off, the dude speaks in a regular voice but tells him that all of the cops are dead and its important for him to get inside. Now first of all ,if you thought there was so much anarchy going on would you bother to affect an irish accent to warn someone? Secondly…why is everyone so scared? They can’t even know that “Satan” killed those cops because no one at the party Merrill seems aware of it and “Satan” shows up! What, no one has a [unwrite]ing phone on them at this party? You’d think news like that would travel fast.
The Final Judgment: If you’re looking for a horror/ comedy type of movie this one might be a good pick for you. Its not laugh out loud funny, but it is humorous in parts. But be warned, this is a B-movie, its no Oscar winner. The Inferno gives it 4 devil heads though. Hey, it was better than I expected and despite the astounding gaps in logic by the characters it was pretty friggin’ good. A rarity in the depths of movie hell.