Prom Night III: The Last Kiss
Rated R Runtime: 97 LONG minutes Release: 1989
Starring:Tim Conlon, Cynthia Preston, David Stratton, Courtney Taylor
Directed by Ron Oliver and Peter R. Simpson
Written byRon Oliver
Some cheesy flicks can be forgiven for being cheesy because they were fun to watch or that they were made way back when. But this movie was dull. I mean dull like I had more fun at work today, and trust me I busted my ass at work today and I didn't enjoy it.
But I won't hold my tiring work day against this flick. I'll hold against it the fact that it was fantastically boring, not scary and not funny. You know what's worse than bad comedy? Bad horror comedy.... and this movie was a joke. A bad one, but its a joke.
Alex Grey, a high school senior is bemoaning the fact that he's average. He wants to "'fly while his soul still has wings." he tells his girlfriend, Sarah. I'm of the impression though, that he's less than average. Alex is so boring to watch on screen that I really can't see how he EVEN has a girlfriend. That all changes when the ghost of Mary-Lou comes to bump nasties with him one night when he goes into his school to retrieve some books he left there.
Ooookay....I'm not even going to go into the why would a student go to the school at night which would by common sense be locked. (The ghost lets him in). But I guess I have to at least try to explain who Mary-Lou is since Prom Night II isn't in the Infernal Archives. Yeah, I said "II". Prom Night the original (starring Jamie Lee Curtis) has nothing to do with this movie, its a completely different animal. But "II" introduced Mary-Lou" the evil ghost of some chick that burned to death at the Prom in the fifties. I've seen it, but I don't remember much more than that, and I don't think I'd rewatch it even if I could find it here. Suffice it to say, that Mary-Lou is a pissed off spirit and in movies like this her only reason for being on the material plane is to kill other people in imaginative ways.
The first thing we see in the movie is Mary-Lou escaping from Hell. When she gets to Earth, she kills a janitor in the school and then for no other reason than the plot gets the hots for Alex. I mean, this guy is a dweeb. He's worse than Billy Duncan from Laserblast. If I were in High school with this guy I'd be beating him up for just being so blah. I've seen glasses of water with more charisma. Anyway, Mary-Lou decides to take out anyone that gets in Alex's way. She kills his science teacher with ice cream cones, she kills Ms. Richards, the guidance counselor with a hair dryer that spits out battery acid, and she kills the jock ass hole, Andrew by drilling him with a football. (It's too bad about Ms. Richards though ....I liked her because she told Alex his career opportunities involved fast food or ditch digging....we need more GC's like that). You see, Mary-Lou is one of those magical homicidal maniacs that can practically do anything that will kill you in some ridiculous fashion...like Freddy Krueger, Leprechaun or Rumplestiltskin
This is why its kind of hard to judge the movie on the kills. Back in the 80's it was "sooo kewl" to have a killer decimate a victim by changing the bristles on a toothbrush to razor blades and things like that. These kind of things seem lame now, and rightfully so. But in the interest of fairness that's not what deep sixes this flick. Its the fact that its not fun to watch. I don't even know what Mary-Lou's true motivations are. I don't know or care really, why Alex seems unperturbed about the deaths of people around him...even when he is involuntarily involved. yeah, he tells Mary-Lou to stop killing people, but she doesn't. And he doesn't feel too bad about it. Hell, she killed Andrew right in front of him and his only response is really just getting mad at her for it. Yet he hides the bodies by burying them in the freaking football field! I'm supposed to care about this guy?
Mary-Lou eventually gets Alex framed for the murders and to stop her from further killing he agrees to go with her to Hell. (So, why? I mean if she's going back to hell is there something in it for her for bringing Alex other than Eeeeeevilllll? I could bring my ten best friends to Hell with me carrying cases of beer and BBQ spareribs but it would still suck because its Hell). This occurs at the Prom and Sarah dives in after Alex intent on rescuing him. Now that love. Don't tell me that teenage love ain't real. Sh!t, I was in love with Petra Z. in high school (unrequited unfortunately) but I damn sure wouldn't have dived into Hell for her.
This movie was a loss, and its funny. I had forgotten that i even had it. I found it under a pile of nooks in my sanctum-inner-sanctum here. It must have been a signal that my tiring day wasn't over, because this flick was a trial.
Best Lines: “We gotta set a few ground rules....firstly, you really gotta stop killing people.... "- Alex to Mary-Lou after the ghost kills his science teacher.
Are you kidding me?
1.) One thing that bugs me in real life, and kind of spills over in movies, is when someone (usually a teenager but not limited to that category) says something so ludicrous you want to smack the sh!t out of them. When Alex tells Sarah that Ms. Richards, the guidance counselor explains to him that he isn't getting into medical school, Sarah says "What does she know? She's just a guidance counselor.". Um, I think the fact that she's a guidance counselor kinda qualifies her to make that kind of determination, sweetheart. add to that Alex GPA is 71!! Good grief, if he's getting into medical school I can get a Nobel Prize....for ANY category!
2.) Alex's parents throw him a surprise party for getting an "A" on a test. I mean they make a big deal out of this, like he just came home with the gold from the olympics. Is he that dumb that merely passing a test is cause for a family hootenanny? (if you have seen this movie, that's a "yes" actually)
3.) Ms. Richards has a MAC SE on her desk. I had to laugh.....what a way to date a movie.
4.) Alex should forget about med school. He should be a cleaner for the mob. He buries THREE bodies on the football field during football season and no one is the wiser until near the end of the movie (and only because the field is being returfed or whatever you call it) I don't think i could hide a dead body that well right now and I'm the freaking Alps!
5.)Speaking of Alex hiding bodies it must be because he has ice water in his veins. Nothing shocks this guy. He has a ghost-demon girlfriend, people get killed, he even gets a trip to hell....and he not ONCE looks or acts shocked, scared or anything. That really made it hard to even watch this movie. He has no reaction to anything.
The janitor at the start of the movie is boozing it up as he cleans the school....with a bottle of jack Daniels he has in his mop bucket. ...of dirty, soapy water. Now i ask you, if you were a janitor alone at night cleaning a building couldn't you think of a less disgusting place to carry your booze?
Alex's dad gets him a motorcylce when his GPA goes up. Are they rich or something? All i got from my parents was ten bucks.
Alex family sleeps hard. When the police believe Alex is responsible for the murders they come to his house in force. alex shoots at them through the door with a shotgun....the police open fire and bust their way in. yet we don't EVEN see his family until the scene where the cops are hauling him away. I guess soundproofing was better in 1989 because I'm awakened by my cat purring in the next room. I know a shotgun blast in an adjoining room would at least get me to shout "WTF!". (An aside: A thunderclap once woke me up at night and I ran to a living room window screaming "We're under attack!" buck naked. My wife considers that one of the funniest moments she has ever seen.)
Ms. Richards rocks! She pretty much tells Alex that he's a dumb ass and he ain't gonna do much more than manual labor after High School. Man, we need Guidance counselors like that. Too many kids i've met think they're gonna be rich without actually knowing anything.
The Final Judgment: I'm sure there are some insomniacs out there! well, You're old pal Dante has a cure for you! this movie! If it doesn't put you to sleep you'll at least be drowsy after watching it. For all other non-insomniacs....avoid it if you can. This Prom Night sucks.