Starring: Teresa Farley, Lance Lewman
Directed and Written by: Tim Kincaid.
The Story: Man, I just got clobbered. Because being crazy enough to sit down and watch a movie as stinky as Breeders THREE times is definitely on par with just getting your ass plain kicked by three big ass drunken bikers in a seedy bar. I don't even know where to start, because Breeders sucked so fantastically, I can't for the life of me, think of anything good to say about it.
Its a simple story, too. Aliens come to earth with the intent to take over. Okay....heck, that's what aliens do. For every friendly E.T. or passing Vulcan science ship there about ten other brands of aliens that have a bee in their bonnet to just wipe out humanity. These aliens even have a lame ass way doing it. You might think by the title that they plan to "breed" us out of existence. kinda true. But like all aliens with this kind of plan they do it the slow and stupid way.
Several rape victims are in the hospital in New York. Now, I'm not a New Yorker, but I know there has to be at least two or more different hospitals in that city. so already I'm wondering about the coincidence of all of the rape victims being in the same facility and under the care of the same doctor, Dr. Gamble Pace. Investigating these heinous crimes is Detective Dale Andriotti. He's the only cop on the case and from what I saw the only cop in the whole stinkin' city! I could go on further about the rapes but they're all about the same. The first scene we see is about a woman being raped by what appears to be an old German man walking his dog, but he turns into a monster and rapes the girl. (Thus she ends up in the hospital with Dr. Pace.) This opening is a really bad omen, because this girl talks with an annoying "Betty Boop" accent and the old man that eventually becomes a monster has one of the fakest German accents I've ever heard. Hey, dude, if you really are German, you still sound fake! And neither of them can act...apart from the dog. Well no one in the movie can act apart from the dog and a bag lady.
Between that part and the end there's...NOTHING! Nothing but the occasional rape scenes and the chances to show naked women. It gets boring really fast. You know that almost every woman you see on the screen is gonna be nude at some point and the nudity factor loses steam with da quickness. I won't say that these women aren't attractive, but these scenes aren't really erotic or "get your juices flowing" either. To be honest all of these actresses should white out this movie on their resumes. When the nurse, Kathleen, tells Dr. Pace about her fears of the rapist there was no doubt in my mind that she was next on the list. Amazingly the monster just waltzes into her apartment and kills her boyfriend while she's standing six feet away and she doesn't see it! This is of course after we get to see her naked in the shower....don't get too excited...she's not all that and a bag of chips. Kathleen has a rather strange way of sending signals to her boyfriend anyway...she claims she's an old fashioned girl, and doesn't believe in sex before marriage, rebuffing her guys efforts to get her into the sack...and then she proceeds to cook dinner soaking wet with only a flimsy towel on. I'm sure that kept his mind on food!! (Maybe she's a terrible cook and wanted to keep his mind off of the crapola she was making with a little cheese cake!)
There are a few other girls for the monster to rape, and then finally Pace and Andriotti track it to its lair underneath the city in abandoned subway tunnels. (Yawn). You see, the women that were raped were all virgins and scarred by the monster. But miraculously they all awaken in the hospital, totally healed and walk (naked of course) zombie like to the monster's layer. Then they just cavort in the monster's Extra-Terrestrial Hot Tub of Hot Monkey Love! For no other reason than to end this trial of tears in some fashion, one of Pace's colleagues, Dr. Markum, is in league with the horny space invaders and tells them of the plan to breed humans off of the planet. Or he is the monster....something like that. I don't know. Hell, Markum then pulls a The Beast Within trick on the two humans and turns into Cicada Man Mark II! (After siccing a little bitty monster kid on them...which Pace kills with some plywood. Wow. That was soooo <insert sarcastic tone> exciting! </sarcastic tone>.) Cicada Man Mark II doesn't last too long either...it seems abandoned subway tunnels are rife with handy objects to use as weapons, like sharp plywood boards and cans of gasoline! Like a video game! Andriotti finds some gasoline, sets the alien afire and then he and Pace use the third rail's electricity to kill the possessed women in the Extra-Terrestrial Hot Tub of Hot Monkey Love! The End. (Or is it? The last scene is Pace waking up after dreaming that Andriotti is the monster. DOUBLE YAWN!!)
Its interesting that Pace has that dream...because other than that she shows no emotion whatsoever! Even after killing the rape victims in the Extra-Terrestrial Hot Tub of Hot Monkey Love, one of which was her friend, Kathleen! This is generally because the acting sucks like a whirlpool. No one in this movie is gonna win any awards. You won't remember them after an hour or so of watching the flick because no one has any personality. There's a weak attempt to create some romance between Pace and Andriotti when she tells him why her first name is Gamble and he tells her about his sister being raped when he was a child, but you could cut that part out and still have the same festering poo poo pile of a movie.
If you'll remember I said earlier that the alien has a lame way of eradicating mankind...well, it is lame. Species wasn't the greatest story ever told but at least you got the idea that Sil could probably out-breed us all to oblivion. This movie just uses the "Alien plans to breed and conquer the earth" thing to show some skin. And its kinda sick the way it treats rape. Especially when whoever wrote this made it so the beast only attacks virgins. That guy sure had some issues. I suppose if you could see this movie for free it might be worth it...no scratch that....if you could get paid to watch it is more appropriate. I didn't get paid to see it, but such is the toll when you journey across the Inferno.
Best Lines: “Okay, but I warn you right now, I have a tortured history with men.” - Dr. Pace accepts Andriotti's dinner invitation. I can see why she'd have a tortured history with men....she's so wooden I thought she was Pinocchio's sister!
Are you kidding me?
1.) This is a bad sign....they don't even try to get the first bit of gratuitous nudity right. The old man turns into a monster and we see a close up of her top being ripped exposing one of her breasts. But a second later the monster carries her off and her top isn't ripped. Ay yi yi.
2.) I don't have a problem with nudity. well, not a real problem....being a guy I don't particularly wanna see some hairy naked guy on screen with his unit out or anything, but hey, I don't mind seeing hot chicks disrobe in a movie....if its not completely gratuitous. (I guess that also depends on the chick) Now, as anyone who has ever watched a b-movie will tell you, gratuitous nudity sometimes is a plus...but oh, not here, my droogs....in this movie is just plopped there in your face just for the sake of it. What was the point of showing us a girl that likes to do gymnastics in the buff? (They even played porno type music through the seen! Damn, Kincaid, if you want to direct porno's just direct a porno movie. Don't involve me in your twisted fantasy life!) I hope the director got his rocks off because I yawned through it.
3.) Speaking of our nubile young in the buff gymnast/ model, when her photographer/friend, Ted, starts mutating into an alien monster she stands there for about 20 seconds just watching. folks, I'm gonna give you a survival tip. If someone starts mutating into a monster in front of you...RUN! There's no big thought needed in this. Haul ass! I don't care if you are Buck Naked! I'll run through the freakin' Vatican in my birthday suit if that's what it took to escape an alien rape creature!
4.) Time to beat up on Ted the photo guy again. In a way. His boss tells Detective Andriotti that Ted can't be a suspect in the rapes because "he's a good guy". Then she goes on to say "He lives with his mother!"...then when Andriotti still persists that Ted is a viable suspect she tells him "He's gay.". Oh, I guess that makes him innocent! This woman musty have never heard of Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer!
5.) So let me see if I get this...bullets don't kill the little alien mutant dude, but Dr. Pace can hit it with a broken board and kill it? Right.
6.) This is one of the things that makes this movie maddeningly bad....Dr. Markum, possessed by the alien forces tells Andriotti and Pace about the alien plans to do in the Earth, and then turns into Cicada Man Mark II! But Andriotti and Pace just stand there and blandly stare at him. Now, come on. This is not only just plain ridiculous its an example of the poor acting in this movie. Neither Pace or Andriotti even bother to look shocked or frightened when Markum's skin splits open, blood pores out, etc and changes into a monster! you know there are three choices of what to do in this situation. You can try to help poor Markum...not exactly my first choice since he's just announced the aliens dastardly plan. Or you can run like hell. In fact, you can be the definition of Haulin' Ass! (Good Choice!) Or you can just plain try to kill him before the transformation is complete. Those are what a normal duo would do. The incomprehensibly moronic thing to do is just stand there and watch.
Nudity and Sex: Lots.
Anyone out there work in a hospital? If so please tell me how this works....the first victim is in her bed sleeping and Dr. Pace with Det. Andriotti come in and start discussing her condition right in front of her. I mean, for Pete's sake, couldn't they have covered some of this in the hallway? Why talk about how she seems to have been disfigured with acid and all the other awful things with the patient/victim right there and acting like she's not there? Where'd Pace learn her bedside manner...from Nurse Ratchet?
The actress that played the 1 minute role of the crazy bag lady was probably the best actress in the whole damned flick. I noticed that the crazy old bag lady wasn't in the porridge bowl of gyrating nekkid women folk at the end! The Weird part is that Ira says the reason the alien killed the bag lady was because it was "an experiment", that the alien needed "pure" women....but the alien has already attacked and raped several women at this point! Didn't he know what he needed or did he just luck out in finding completely healthy virgins in New York City?
Kathleen the nurse showers with makeup on. Somehow I thought that would make the shower thing counter productive, but then I don't wear makeup.
When the orderly checks on the rape victims he sees that their wounds have healed and says "I don't believe this!". Hey, man, neither do I! Not only are their disfiguring wounds healed, they're sleeping peacefully with their hair styled nicely and in full make up!
Wow. Its a good thing that can of gas was just lying around so Andriotti could use it to set the monster aflame.
This movie is so 80's! Kathleen looks like she's about to head off to be in an AHA video! and I swear Pace's hair looks like someone plopped a giant-ass wig on her head! Talk about Big Hair! I especially like the photographer's striped ensemble. I haven't seen an outfit like that in 15 years! Reminds me of those dumb ass scarves with piano keys on them. Rock on!
The Final Judgment: If you just want to see some naked girls you'll be happier renting the movies in that little back room of the store with the curtain on the door. If you want to see aliens or science fiction you can do better than this movie by watching the Sci-Fi channel.
For the crime of using nudity and rape in the most awful way, this movie is now sentenced to the Nude Beach of the Inferno, where it will be forced to watch the hideous hairy naked demons cavort and frolik. In time the site of the frightening Infernal birthday suits will drive it mad....which is a fair penalty for what this movie has unleashed upon mankind!