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Well
folks, for those of you who thought the
theme songs to those old Marvel cartoons
of the ‘60s
were
lame, brothers and sisters you ain’t heard lame until you dig
the repeating, Frank Stallone inspired
theme to this 1989 one-shot X-Men
cartoon:
"X-Men!
X-Men! Today is the day! X-Men! X-Men!
They’re on their way! X-Men! X-Men!
Saving the Day! X-Men! X-Men! Coming
your way!"
Repeat
ad nauseum. And
speaking of those old cartoons, we’ll be
reviewing some of those here over the next
few weeks, so stay tuned.
*
* * *
We
begin with a voice over by Stan Lee (creator
of all things Marvel),
warning of the possibility of mutants --
people born (or
cursed)
with extraordinary powers, living among
us. Luckily, he says, there are good
mutants and bad mutants. The good mutants
just want to coexist while the evil ones
want to take over the world and subjugate
mankind. That said we zero in on an
armored military convoy escorting a large
tanker truck. Inside, the military
authorities are transporting Magneto (pronounced
either Mag-neat-oh -- or Mag-net-oh -- or
Mac-nug-get),
the most evil of mutants, to parts
unknown. After Colonel Jaffe let’s
Magneto know how he really feels -- that all
mutants should be wiped off the face of
the planet -- the convoy comes under the
psychic assault of the White Queen;
another evil mutant. She manages to run
the armed escort off the road and disrupt
the power supply to Magneto’s
containment field allowing the Master of
Magnetism to strut his stuff as he tears
apart the metal tanker, like tissue paper,
and makes his escape.
Meanwhile,
halfway across the country, young Kitty
Pryde’s taxi ride comes to an end at the
gates of a certain Westchester mansion.
Ms. Pryde isn’t so sure about the
mysterious invitation to come here and is
having second thoughts. But the taxi
driver won’t wait around because a bunch
of "freaks" live in that mansion
and roars off. Kitty
rereads the written invitation. Somehow
the sender knew about her special power:
the ability to walk through solid objects (a/k/a
phasing.)
The front door opens and the wheel-chair
bound Professor Charles Xavier welcomes
Kitty inside. He starts to give her the
tour and tells Kitty that she is a mutant.
The girl thinks her power is a curse but
Xavier thinks differently. Asking how he
found out about her powers Xavier reveals
Cerebro -- a mutant detector/super
computer. She then gets his sales pitch
about the band of do-gooders he’s
assembled: the X-Men, who right wrongs and
fight for mutant tolerance and
acceptance.
Kitty
isn’t sold but the tour and sales pitch
continues. He shows her the famed Danger
Room, where the X-Men train. (Think
of the Holo-Deck from Star
Trek.)
Appearing to be set on Tomb
Raider
mode the X-Men raid a Mayan Temple and
must avoid giant rock creatures,
carnivorous plants and nasty deathtraps.
While the two watch from the control room
Professor X introduces the X-Men:
First
is Cyclops -- who can shoot destructive
beams from his eyes; Dazzler can transform
sound into laser beams; Colossus has great
strength and can transform his body into
living steel; Nightcrawler has the power
of teleportation; while Storm commands the
weather elements. Lastly is Wolverine our
favorite psychotic Canucklehead with the
claws. (Who
for some inexplicable reason has an even
thicker Australian accent than the last
time we saw him.)
Xavier
then reveals his own mutant telepathic
powers. This creeps the young girl out but
he assures Kitty that he doesn’t pry
into people’s minds. Nightcrawler
teleports into the control room and his
demonic appearance -- complete with fangs
and forked tail,
frightens Kitty. (Maybe
it's his German accent?) The
other X-Men join them and Xavier
introduces Kitty. All are cordial except
Wolverine -- the nasty little cobber has
got a snit in his didgeridoo about letting
a kid on the team.
Suddenly,
an alarm klaxon goes off. There’s
trouble of an evil mutant variety
somewhere, so the X-Men, minus Kitty and
Professor X, roar off in the Blackbird to
answer the distress call. After
they clear out the X-Mansion comes under
attack by Magneto and the monstrous
Juggernaut. (Who
we all remember from Marvel Comics 101 is
Professor X’s half-brother.)
As they bust their way inside Kitty
accidentally phases through the control
board and shorts out the mansion's defense
systems. Magneto announces that he’s
after Cerebro’s "power
circuit." Xavier gives the vital
piece of equipment to Kitty and orders her
to escape and keep it away from Magneto at
all costs. While
the Juggernaut brings the control room
crashing down around Xavier, Magneto
chases Kitty, and the young mutant proves
no match for him. He offers her a place in
his ranks but she refuses. He shocks her
unconscious and absconds with the power
circuit.
The
rest of the X-Men find that two more of
Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil Mutants --
The Blob (his
power should be obvious)
and Pyro (another
Aussie)
who can control fire -- at an astrological
observatory. The X-Men save the
astrologist and his family, but the Blob
and Pyro escape with the information they
need on the Scorpio Comet. They return to
find the X-Mansion in shambles but happily
find Professor X and Kitty still alive.
Getting up to speed on what the evil
mutants have been up to Professor X
reaches out telepathically, to try and
find out what Magneto’s intentions are
and why he stole the power circuit.
We
cut to Asteroid M -- Magneto’s secret
hideout, orbiting above the Earth. The
Brotherhood has assembled including the
White Queen, the Blob, Pyro, Juggernaut
and the Toad -- a grotesque little
gargoyle blessed with great agility. (X-Fans
will also spot Lockheed the dragon
fluttering around for some reason and the
victim of much abuse from Magneto and
Toad.) Magneto
plugs the power circuit into a cosmic
do-dad and then steps on the platform and
powers it up with his magnetism. Using the
device to amplify and focus his powers he
reaches out and snares the Scorpio comet
and sets it on a crash course with Earth.
Xavier’s
seen enough. He breaks contact and
assembles his troops for an assault on
Asteroid M. The mission will be far too
dangerous so he orders Kitty to stay
behind. The X-Men mount up and launch the
Blackbird into outer space and a
rendezvous with Magneto. As they
approach the asteroid the X-Men suit up
for a little extra-vehicular jump. Using
their powers they manage to breach the
asteroids defenses and get inside.
Professor X watches from the cockpit and
then calls for Kitty to come out of
hiding, knowing all the time that she
stowed away. Only wanting to pitch in and
help Kitty apologizes. Professor X admires
her spunk and tells her to be careful as
she follows the X-Men inside and catches
up with them. The team tries to make there
way to the control room, but one by one,
their numbers are whittled down as they
engage the evil mutants separately. (Colossus
takes on the Juggernaut. Dazzler takes on
Pyro etc.)
Soon all that’s left is Kitty and
Nightcrawler for the main assault on
Magneto and his machine.
Undaunted
and under the telepathic lead of Professor
X, the two attack. Kitty phases through
the machine causing it to go haywire.
Magneto strikes back but accidentally
severs the main power line. Professor X
orders Nightcrawler, who’s still in his
insulated space suit, to become a human
conductor to keep the power flowing.
Kitty’s phasing has somehow reversed the
polarity and now the Scorpio comet is on a
direct crash course with Asteroid M.
Magneto
breaks free and gloats that the X-Men may
have one the battle but they've lost the
war because Nightcrawler must continue the
power flow or the comet will revert to its
original crash course with Earth -- so
he’s as good as dead. Magneto evacuates
along with the rest of the bad guys. Kitty
won’t leave Nightcrawler but Professor X
orders her back to the Blackbird with the
others. He has a plan but it’s going to
require precise timing. The others make it
back (with
Lockheed in tow)
and Professor X forms a mental link with
Nightcrawler that allows him to teleport
off the asteroid in the knick of time. The
asteroid goes kablooey, but unfortunately,
the distance was too far and Nightcrawler
didn’t make it. He tumbles into the
atmosphere and starts to burn up in
reentry. The Blackbird races to his rescue
but they are too late.
They
are all overcome with grief. Kitty is hit
the hardest because she treated
Nightcrawler so badly. Suddenly, they hear
something coming from the hold. Colossus
opens the door and is happy to find his
little tovarisch alive and well.
Nightcrawler managed to teleport again
before burning up.
The
episode ends as the X-Men return to Earth
and officially welcome Kitty into their
ranks -- although Wolverine, by crikey,
still isn’t so sure if she can pull her
weight.
The
end
A
lot of people mistake this as the pilot
for Fox's highly successful X-Men
cartoon that premiered around 1992 (if
memory serves right.)
That's understandable but a misconception
nonetheless. They're close. This was a
pilot episode; but it was the pilot for
the first and failed attempt at bringing
Marvel's famed mutants to the small screen
in 1989. There
had been rumors and rumblings of an X-Men
cartoon as early as 1984. On the heels of
the highly successful Spider-man
and His Amazing Friends animated
series, it was going to spring from the
team's two cameo appearances in that
cartoon and would feature Cyclops, Sprite,
Storm, Wolverine, Thunderbird, Colossus,
Nightcrawler and Video Man. Yes, Video Man
-- a character that made his debut on
Spider-man's cartoon. I
can't explain it, either; people just had
Space Invaders and Pac Man on the brain
back then.
That
never came to fruition but the popularity
of the team only increased. It eventually
got it's shot and Marvel Productions
produced this pilot episode. They changed
the line-up and reverted a couple of
characters back to their older costumes.
Word spread and we eager fan boys and
girls waited with anticipation to see it.
And waited. And waited some more. In fact,
I don't think it ever aired and some of us
even questioned it's existence. The only
proof of its existence -- a graphic novel
adaptation based on the cartoon. It
eventually was released on video when the
entire country went completely X-Men
bonkers around 1991.
There
is also one other amazing coincidence
concerning the release of the video. It
directly coincided with the release of
Kanomi's X-Men Arcade game that just
happened to feature the same team line-up
and they fought the same bad guys (plus
a few others. I seem to recall the Wendigo
and a guy who I think was The Living
Monolith.) So
was this finally released just to be a
22-minute long commercial for the video
game? When you consider the slam bang plot
-- these are the characters, here's what
they can do, now watch them kick butt --
it might as well have been. But remember,
this was a pilot trying to introduce
everybody and get the ball rolling.
X-Men
fans at the time of the release might have
been scratching their heads at the line-up
of characters: Where was Rogue? And
Gambit? And the Beast? I don't know where
Rogue was. And when it was made, Gambit
hadn't been invented yet and the Beast was
trying to form The
New Defenders
-- that only I and about three other
people were reading. And it's also time to
address the character of Wolverine. Ten
years before the movie Fargo
made talking like a Yooper in vogue der,
eh, some genius TV exec obviously decided
to make Wolverine's character an
Australian instead of a hosehead from the
Great White North. Was it really a good
idea to take the teams most popular member
and have him talk like Jack-O on speed? (To
be fair, I didn't care for the constipated
approach the voice actor used in the later
series either.)
My
favorite X-Man has always been Cyclops. (In
the old days he was one of the few guys
who could tell Wolvie to shut his cake
hole and live to tell about it.)
I do like
Wolverine but I liked him better when he
was a complete mental case and always one
wrong look away from disemboweling
everyone in the room. And then Frank
Miller had to go and ruin him by turning
him into some kind of shaman cum samurai. Bleaugh.
Reader
James Fry rightfully points out that
Chris Claremont was the scribe for the Wolverine
mini-series and X-Books but I still list
Miller -- the artist for that series, as
a major co-conspirator on Wolverine's
change.
As
for the bad guys? They're an odd mish mash
of the old Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and
the newer version. Magneto founded the
original one with the hypnotic Mastermind,
The Blob, Toad and the force field
projecting Unus. Later, the shape changing
Mystique founded a newer version that
included the Blob, Pyro, the earth moving
Avalanche, the clairvoyant Destiny and
Rogue -- who eventually switched sides. The
White Queen was part of Sebastian Shaw's
Hellfire Club; it consisted of evil
mutants who took their titles from chess
pieces. Shaw was the Black King and Jean
Grey, a/k/a Marvel Girl, was warped into
being the Black Queen that led to the
classic Dark
Phoenix Saga
in the comics. I don't have a problem with
her being included here. She's definitely
better to look at then the homely
Mastermind. (Does
anyone else wonder why Jean Grey doesn't
have a code name anymore and just goes by
her real name?) Juggernaut's
inclusion is a puzzler -- he isn't even a
mutant. He was transformed by the mystical
ruby of Cytorak and when not trying to
kill his step brother, hangs around with
Black Tom Cassidy, the Banshee's evil
brother.
The
story is lacking but it sure looks great.
The animation is courtesy of Sunbow
Animation Studios and is really quite
beautiful. If
the animation looks kind of familiar to
you, it should. It's the same high-gloss
style you saw on the early G.I.
Joe
and The
Transformers cartoons.
Sunbow was the king of 1980's animation
and teamed up with Marvel Comics and
Hasbro toys for several half hour
adventures, or depending on your point of
view, half hour long toy commercials.
Sunbow also did the animations for the
late and lamented Tick
cartoon. In fact, I wish the later X-Men
cartoon would have adopted the same style.
I don't know, I never liked the look of
that cartoon -- everyone appeared to be
taking massive amounts of steroids. X-Men
Evolution
on the other hand looks fantastic. Sharp
ears will also hear the familiar voices of
Michael Bell, Neil Ross, Frank Welker and
Kathy Soucie. The same voices you heard in
G.I.
Joe,
The
Transformers
and every other Saturday morning cartoon
you can think off.
This
aborted first attempt at an X-Men
cartoon gets a lot of things right but
gets some other things horribly wrong. It
looks great but it just fizzles story
wise. The characters comes off a little
too one-dimensional. Kitty's too whiny,
Wolverine gargles on some phlegm before
spewing every line, and the villains were
just lame. Given time, I think they could
have hammered it out better but for that
they'd have to wait another four years.
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