Break out the old nut-cups and crash helmets, kids, because we're taking our first, tentative steps into some deep and murky waters, as we  venture into the gonzo world of film exploitationeer and bigamist, Ted V. Mikels. Mikels is probably most infamous for The Astro-Zombies and The Corpse Grinders, but today, we're going to experience The Worm Eaters: a Mikels produced vehicle for the incomparable (or maybe make that incomprehensible) Herb Robins; who not only wrote, directed, and starred in this thing, he also served as head worm wrangler. 

But first a word of warning: To those of you with overly sensitive stomachs, you might want to skip this film. Those of you made of sturdier intestinal fortitude, let's press on. Shall we go?

I warned ya!

Our film begins with some nifty artwork credits by Sherri P. Vernon. Depicting worms inserted into all kinds of Americana, it's hilariously blasphemous as I'm reminded of Michelangelo's work on the Sistine Chapel. The awe doesn't last long, though, as the novelty song "Might as Well Just Eat Worms" is seared into your brain; the same four phrases are repeated, over and over and over, and just like back in the old schoolyard, it's taunting refrain will be stuck in your head for eons and eons and eons.

The only thing that could possibly make it any worse would be a power kazoo solo. 

And then we get one. The kazoos join in, and accompany the chorus for sixty-four more verses before the credits mercifully come to an end.

It gets worse. "Eine Kleine Nacht Music" is robbed from the public domain and put to use, as well. It's gonna be a long movie. How much time's left? 72-minutes? Oy. Never gonna make it...Never gonna make it...

The movie proper begins at night by a lake, where three fishermen lounge around a campfire, belching to their heart's content. Unbeknownst to them, a club-footed man limps through the flickering light and drops a pile of worms on the ground that promptly begin to screech. One of the fishermen tells the other two to quiet down, he hears the worms (!) and they need more bait. They find the pile of squirming invertebrates, and after one lingering shot of a night-crawler skewered on a fish hook, the scene ends.

We time warp ahead -- I assume the time warp because it's suddenly daytime, and the same limping man, who's mumbling in a thick German accent, wanders by the palatial estate of Mayor Melnick (Joseph Sackett), mayor of the town of Melnick (as not to cause any confusion.) In the back yard, Melnick oversees his daughter's birthday party. After a brief glimpse at his collective brats, and their sibling rivalry, the Mayor doles out some much needed tough love (I.E. socking the little gutter-mouthed cretin right in the head.) The girl cuts her birthday cake, grabs a piece and lifts it towards her mouth, causing a cascade of worms to fall out of the creamy filling. The film then embarrassingly switches to Benny Hill mode as the party goers retreat -- toot sweet -- to get away from the creepy crawlies (a microcosm of the entire film to come.)

Then the film editor attacks again with his meat-cleaver, and we find Melnick and his right hand man, Max (Barry Hostetler), back by the lake, expositioning the plot for us. It seems Melnick has got the rest of the city council backing his plan to rezone the lake, so they can build Minyana Estates; meaning a boom for Melnick's economy. (The town's or his?) The only problem is Umgar (Herb Robins), and judging by their description, he's the club footed loony whose been lurking about. Umgar isn't the brightest bulb in the world and he's obsessed with worms, so Melnick is convinced that he was behind the birthday cake catastrophe. Umgar's father owned the land Melnick needs, until he met an unfortunate "accident" during the dam construction that made the lake. Melnick worries that Umgar might have the original deed, hidden somewhere in his cabin, which could throw a real monkey-wrench in his plans. If he can get his hands on the deed, the first thing he'll do is have Umgar institutionalized and locked up for good. See, there's been a long running feud between the Umgars and the Melnicks but I think I'm spending way too much time on the plot here, so let's just move on, okay?

We find Umgar in his cabin, doing his best Jerry Lewis imitation, talking to his "babies" that are scattered and squirming all around his house. Calling them each by name, the worms squeal in response. (It sounds like someone rubbing two balloons together -- and judging by the film's budget, it probably is.) He lingers over a trapdoor to his basement, and we hear some strange noises from below that he tells to be quiet. Umgar answers a knock at the door. It's Melnick, and after a quick farmer's blow, Umgar invites him in.

Farmer's Blow: [verb] The fine art of plugging one nostril with a finger while blowing and clearing all the snot out of the other.

Melnick tries to trick him into giving up the deed, but Umgar insists his father left him nothing. Melnick leaves but threatens bodily violence unless Umgar turns the deed over. After he's gone, Umgar reveals that he does indeed have the deed to the land. He hides it in one of the miniature buildings in his worm farm and asks them to guard it for him. Moving on to his other worm experiments, Umgar inexplicably shouts German and Jewish epitaphs while picking up and tickling certain worms. In a boiling and bubbling tank, he's breeding something more sinister that devours a whole ham-hock in seconds -- followed by a dessert of powdered DDT. 

There's another knock at the door. A woman comes in. She also sports a phony accent, and gives Umgar beer and chips...Uhm, excuse me, ma'am, we're trying to shoot a movie here? Ma'am? ...Well, I don't have a clue who she is, but she's got the hots for Umgar, and with all her might, tries to be seductive; god bless her. Mad because he likes the worms better, she squishes a passel of them and then retreats into the bathroom. 

Upset at this, Umgar promises to make this mystery woman a spaghetti dinner she'll never forgot. Well, we all know where this is going but the movie takes it's own damn sweet time getting there. The woman comes out and the camera lingers on her mouth as she stuffs spaghetti -- and worms -- into it. As she chews, she starts choking and then foaming at the mouth. It must have been some of his DDT worms, because after several convulsions, the woman is transformed into a were-worm: human from the waist up, and worm from the waist down. Umgar doesn't know what to make of this development, but quickly decides he'd better hide her.

The movie then makes another quantum leap in plot logic as more people show up at Umgar's cabin demanding food...Is this a cafe? What the -- I, never mind. Sure, why the hell not. ...Several female campers demand hot dogs but all Umgar has is bologna and eggs. He gives the girls the bologna, but has to make eggs for another camper's shrewish wife. Some more toxic worms get mixed in with the scrambled eggs, so now Umgar has two mutations hiding in his basement. (What was down there making all that noise under the trap door before? Nothing apparently.)

After caging them up, Umgar decides to take a nap. He wakes with a start because a fishing lure is stuck in his mouth. He's quickly pulled outside and down to the lake's shore, where three more were-worms -- whom we recognize as the three belching fishermen from the beginning, reel him in. Transformed after eating fish caught with Umgar's tainted worms, they've found peace and serenity living at the bottom of the lake; but it sure does get lonely under the water, so they demand some worm-women -- pronto. The were-worms want to take the ones he has now, but Umgar's grown rather fond of them. He pacifies the worm-men, saying he will get them three younger girls (the campers demanding the hot-dogs earlier.) The worm-men agree and return to the lake.

Back in town, Melnick and Max worry about a group of environmental protesters who want to protect the lake's natural habitat. Melnick's more worried about Umgar, but Max assures that he'll take care of him long before the town rezoning meeting tonight.

Umgar finds two of the girls, and lures them back to his cabin with the promise of the much coveted hotdogs. More lingering close-ups of mouths, masticated hot-dogs, and worms follows...Chew each bite twenty times for proper digestion, people. Good lord, pass the Pepto Bismol already. Geez. ...At the lake, the third girl and the husband -- who's not missing his shrewish wife at all -- investigate some strange tracks around the lake. Then the outhouse inexplicably explodes in a shower of toilet paper. High hilarity...What the hell is going on?!

Looking for her friends, the third girl -- who we'll call Third Girl with the Big Bazongos (since the movie never bothered to give her a name, and she is blessed with a pair of big bazongos), heads to Umgar's cabin. She arrives just in time to see them turn into were-worms. Umgar see her, and she flees. The chase scene wocka-cha-wockas right along, as the limping Umgar somehow manages to keep up with, and finally corner, Third Girl with the Big Bazongos.

After dragging Third Girl with the Big Bazongos back to the cabin, he ties her up. Umgar then realizes that during the melee, he upset his miniature worm farm and his beloved worms have escaped. He rounds them all up except for Bertha -- his true love. He heads outside to search for her, and finally spies her on a rock across and open meadow. A romantic melody cranks up while he slowly runs across the meadow to her, and then he and Bertha are reunited as he gently cradles her (and I don't know whether to define that scene as disturbing or friggin' brilliant.)

While Umgar's out of the cabin, Max and his goons douse it with gasoline, hoping to burn Umgar out. As they finish up the job, we spy one of the goons lighting a cigarette. Max asks her for another match to ignite the blaze, but that was her last one. The other goons gang tackle her and they roll out of sight.

So Umgar returns to an intact cabin. Third Girl with the Big Bazongos wants to help, despite being tied up and gagged by this psycho, and tells him to get the deed to Phil...Who's Phil? Phil will know what to do with it, and he'll help Umgar stop the rezoning of the lake so he can keep his home...How did she know about that?!? And who's Phil!? And how did she know about the deed? And who the hell is Phil?!? Well, come to think of it, who the heck are you Third Girl with the Big Bazongos?!? ...Rewrite!!! Who did the rewrite and forgot to tell the audience?!?

Umgar delivers the deed to Phil by leaving it by one of the discarded protest signs. A man comes by, picks it up and gets excited. I'm assuming this is Phil -- so we'll call him Assumed Phil. At least the movie better hope that's Assumed Phil. That night, the city council convenes to vote on the rezoning (and we recognize the other city councilors as members of Max's arson brigade.) Assumed Phil and the other protestors are there, too. Father Smut (!) opens the forum with a prayer, demanding that the heathen protestors be thrown out. Assumed Phil, the other protestors, and Umgar's deed, are then bum-rushed out of the film, never to be heard from again, rendering half the friggin' plot moot...Aaarrrggghhhh! *sigh*

With no more dissenters, the rezoning motion passes unanimously. Max congratulates Melnick, saying he can finally have Umgar committed. Melnick promises to do that one better and kill him, just like his father killed Umgar's father at the dam.

Back at the cabin, Umgar and Third Girl with the Big Bazongos hear over the radio that the city council passed the rezoning measure. Umgar swears vengeance on the whole city council -- and especially Mayor Melnick. We then get what can only be called a gratuitous montage of the entire city council unknowingly munching down on tainted worms. It's low-lighted by Father Smut (!) eating a worm flavored ice cream cone, and high-lighted by a cameo by Ted V. Mikels himself, arm wrestling the smoking gal over a bottle of tequila, with an awfully big worm floating around the bottom. Soon enough, the entire town is overrun with frothing were-worms.

Returning to the cabin, Umgar finds Melnick waiting for him with pistol in hand. He still wants the deed, even though Assumed Phil has it. They fight over the gun. During the struggle, Melnick falls through the trapdoor, down into the basement, where the were-worms gleefully rip him to pieces and consume him. Umgar doesn't even get a chance to recover before he's hooked by another fishing lure (dang, I'll bet that smarts.) He's reeled out to the lake again, where the three angry were-worms demand their promised worm-women. Figuring Umgar was trying to cheat them, they force-feed him some of his tainted worms, and then storm the house and free the others. In the confusion, Third Girl with the Big Bazongos manages to escape. 

All the were-worms return to the lake -- except for the newly transformed Umgar. He wriggles away, out onto the highway, where a Mack-Truck bears down on him. And in the films final insult, the Umgar-worm goes splat on the truck's windshield in a tidal wave of goo...How he got all the way up there we'll never know, but I think it would have been hilarious if the driver would've turned his wipers on and scraped him off.

The kazoos and chorus kicks in for another round of our beloved song while a sanitation engineer cleans what's left of Umgar off the highway. Which brings us mercifully to --

The End

Screw Fear Factor. Get five faux celebrities and make them watch this crap and see who makes it to the end. That's reality TV, baby. Mondo Worm! It's a worm snuff movie!

Now I know I branded this thing with an 18th Amendment, and that's usually saved for films that I truly loathe and despise to the point of wanting to hurt those responsible for it. But I have no homicidal rages brewing after sitting through The Worm Eaters, and honestly, I don't hate the picture. It's supposed to be a comedy, and to the films credit, it actually made me laugh out loud on two separate occasions, when it was actually trying to be funny (believe me that's some feat.) But now that I've seen it once, I really have no need or desire to ever see it again.

Good lord, an entire film based on the concept of "A worm! Ick! Icky! A worm!" Couple that with a kazoo and slide whistle soundtrack, bad acting, a complete absence of plot and character development, and you have something that's either brazenly brilliant, or an atrocity against humanity. Yes, the film's whole 'reason de art' is showing people shoving worms in their mouths while allegedly chewing on something else. Yeah, it's gross. We get it. Move on.

And I swear to god, the reels of this film were shown out of order or edited together wrong. At the beginning, Umgar tells something to be quiet down in his basement when there's no were-worms down there yet. The subplot of were-worms is almost an afterthought, and the main plot, if we can call it that, is so paper thin and contradicting that half the characters aren't even given a name; or people pop out of nowhere -- who are vital to the movie, and then just as quickly disappear. Yes, Assumed Phil, I'm looking right at you. And then the whole thing just implodes. 

Dang it. There are some genuine good nuggets here and there, and if they just tried a little harder, but then again, why bother -- just eat another night-crawler while I get a close-up of your mouth. *sigh*

My first experience with Ted V. Mikels was a couple of years ago at B-Fest with The Corpse Grinders, and the one thing that stuck with me was how grainy and washed out the footage was; like it was shot using one of my sweat socks as a filter. The Worm Eaters has the same opaqueness, kind of a quasi-video feel, to it. I'm assuming this is due to cheaper film stock. Is this true of all his films, or am I just crazy. 

Herb Robins was a regular in many a Ray Dennis Steckler movie and appeared in a couple of other films for Mikels. As stated before, Robins was a crapola-trifecta, serving as writer, director, and took the lead in his opus. He's a lot closer to Ed Wood than Orson Wells, but I honestly think he gives a nice little method performance as Umgar; it's somewhere between Captain Quint, Artie Johnson, and Colonel Klink. The rest of the cast is rounded out, I'm sure, by people who were more than willing to stick all kinds of things in their mouths. (I'm talking about worms you heathens!)

In the Medved's Son of Golden Turkey Awards, The Worm Eaters was nominated for the Worst Promotional Gimmick in Hollywood History (but amazingly, it didn't win.) If you could suck down yourself a worm, the theater would let you in for free. Mikels and Robins barnstormed the country, and according to the book: 

"In order to win suitable attention for this epicurean epic, the producer and director traveled along with the film and staged a series of stunts described in the  press as 'too outrageous to top.'  In Kansas City, director-star Herb Robins stood in front of television cameras and hundreds of onlookers, and then proceeded to gobble down four eight-inch-long 'Canadian night crawlers' while producer Ted Mikels got away with only two. Meanwhile, Howard Hall, manager of a local bar, outdid them both by consuming eight of the wriggling critters -- all of which had been specially imported by the Minnesota Worm and Fly Company.  This event proved such a success that the producers later staged a worm-eating contest in Las Vegas and offered free admission to anyone who ate a worm before entering the theater."

Hell, who hasn't eaten a worm? I've done it. Twice. Once when I was young and stupid on a dare, the other was at the bottom of a tequila bottle and I was drunk. What these guy's excuse was, however, remains a mystery. Watch at your own gastro-intestinal risk.

Posted: 06/18/03. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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