Before we get to our feature presentation, we’re entreated to some (fake) previews of coming attractions that’ll never quite make it to a theater near you. (Which is really too bad because they all look hilarious.)

The first is for Baby Bullets: the harrowing tale of a young toddler who is hell on wheels in his souped up baby buggy. He eludes the police and rockets down some large stone steps and escapes. Soon Baby Bullets is a top wheelman for the mob, so the governor has to call in the Infant-try (get it?) to stop his reign of terror. He’s caught and sentenced to life in his crib without parole.

And we come to the conclusion that if they’re spoofing Eisenstein’s Battleship Potemkin this early in the movie, then no film is safe. There is also a simulated sex scene using a rocking crib that will have malted milk balls coming out your nose, so beware.

The next preview is for Gena’s Story. Filmed in Blind-O-Vision, it’s the tale of a divorced mother of two, her sexual escapades, bizarre therapy sessions, and her uncontrollable urge to dance -- Dance -- DANCE! The Blind-O-Vision process invloves a blind person interpreting what he thinks he's hearing on the screen, and then verbalize it to the audience. He does okay until the sex scenes.

And yes, that naked woman is Gates McFadden -- here billed as Cheryl McFadden -- old Dr. Crusher herself. So all you fellow Trekkies out there run out and snag a copy right away!

Next we get two quick words from the theater management. First, to use the hot-butter for popcorn only, and that use of it for any non-comic code approved biological urges will result in immediate removal from the theater. Second, the film is rated R, so parental discretion is advised. (They also point out that if you had used discretion earlier, you might not be parents to begin with.) Thank you.

 -- The Management.

We open in the city and find Greg Van Waspishes (David Orange) working at a construction site. He’s getting tired of city life and threatens to leave. His foreman gets on his case but doesn’t think Greg is listening. So he tries using hand puppets to get his point across, urging Greg to get back to work on the asbestos installing. That’s the last straw for Greg; he quits and tries to give a big speech about the evil inherent in city, but the ambient city noise drowns out his epitaphs.

Meanwhile, Greg’s wife Barbara (Barbara Marineau) runs the gauntlet at the local grocery store. In aisle Five, she dodges someone trying to complete a 7-10 split. In aisle Nine, someone is flashing the canned beats, and a cannibal chieftain needs a price check at Register Three for some meat he’s trying to buy (a severed hand.)

Back at home, we’re introduced to the rest of the family: daughter Bambi (Tina Marie Stainano), who is an incurable flirt, and the enterprising little Billy (Nicky Beim), whose got his fingers in everything from racketeering to a white slavery ring in Mexico. Mom calls them to attention because Dad has another hair-brained scheme that he wants to reveal. Dad drops the bomb on them, saying they’re leaving the city and are moving to the country. Upon hearing that, they all disappear in the blink of an eye -- even Squirt the family dog.

Putting the kids in straightjackets, Dad loads them, and all their belongings, into the family station wagon, and then their journey begins. We follow their progress via a map and a red line. (Upon closer examination you’ll spot Tehran and the Euphrates River on the map.) Billy spots a deer and we pan to see a dead buck strapped to a pick-up truck. Then the travel sequence really gets into gear when The Outdoorsters theme song kicks in. Thee most hilariously obnoxious theme song you’ll ever hear, it's kinda like The Ballad of Jed Clampett -- or more appropriately, Green Acres -- as it gives you the background story for the film. But the singers keep forgetting the words, causing it to spin out of control and veer of course until each verse ends with the refrain "What the hell were we singing about?" (It will also be stuck in your head for at least a week.)

The next sequence sums up what’s in store for the viewer for the rest of the film (and gives you an inkling of the humor to follow.) Passing a sign that says Bear Right, there’s see a bear on the right. Then pass another sign that says Bear Left -- and there’s a bear on the left. They round the next corner and find a sign that says Bare Breasts -- and I don’t think I need to draw you a picture do I?

Finally reaching the wilderness, the family is surprised to find it has valet parking. They set to work building a cabin and getting in tune with nature. With a lot of sweat, and several jump cuts, the cabin is completed. Greg is amazed that the animals are attracted to him and stick around. (Of course they stick around if you chain them up.) He takes off his shirt and starts splitting some wood, much to the delight of a very foppish native Indian who's secretly watching him. Greg is also proud of the way his kids are adjusting. Billy has tagged every rock and tree with graffiti and is running several scams on the local animals. Bambi takes it one step further and makes friends with several animals. (Maybe a little too friendly?) She tries to head deeper into the woods, but the crossing lights are against her and she has to wait for the animals to cross. (Was that a camel?) She eventually finds an elephant (Where the heck are they?) but she can’t keep him because her folks said to stay away from carnival people. Later, she finds a bear. Removing a thorn from his paw, the bear falls in love with her. Turns out the feeling is very mutual and the two go for a *ahem* roll in the weeds.

The next day, Greg clears a good portion of the woods by taking a massive dump behind a large rock. As he heads back to the cabin, we see the native Indian perched above him holding a knife. But Greg is in no danger, he’s just collecting hallucinogenic mushrooms. But then the Indian reaches too far and falls off the cliff. Greg finds him and hauls him back to the cabin to fix his *groan* wounded knee. From his insurance card, they learn his name is Weejun. (David Strathairn! -- and it took me half the movie to recognize him. I’m a huge fan of Strathairn, this is his screen debut and he does nothing to embarrass himself.) Weejun is from the Kay-O-Pectate tribe, and for only $125, offers to give them a three-week crash course in wilderness survival skills. (Cash up front. Non-refundable after the first day. Not responsible for accidents or poison ivy.)

The film is abruptly interrupted for an emergency drill on what to do during a nuclear attack while watching a movie at this theater. (Man, I don’t miss the cold war at all. Anthrax and the threat of nuclear annihilation are two completely different nightmares.) First: The film may be out of focus during the blast, but this will pass. Please bear with us. Second: Pick an aisle captain to distribute the dehydrated milk duds. Third: Use the sticky substance under your seat to form a sugary protective radiation suit. Fourth: If you catch on fire, please observe the smoking and non-smoking section signs. And fifth: Hang on to your ticket stub. 

Thank You for Your Cooperation 

-- The Management.

Weejun tries to teach them how to fish with their hands but only manages to nearly drown Billy. The language barrier appears to be the main problem, and Weejun just doesn’t get through until John Cameron Swayze (-- who most of you young sprouts won’t recognize, but us old farts will --) comes out of the woods and translates for him. He goes into a big spiel about the balance of nature and survival that degenerates into a commercial for Timex watches. (They take a licking, but keep on ticking. Remember him now?) Weejun and the Van Waspishes sneak off while he rambles.

The next day, Billy is dejected that the EPA has rejected his plan for paving over the entire woods. While his attention is drawn to a crow trying to take a dump on him, a cougar closes in for the kill. Weejun springs from nowhere, and violent struggle ensues. (They switch from shots of Weejun wrestling a real cougar to shots of somebody in a cougar suit giving him karate chops and kneeing him in the family jewels.)

It begins with the typical call to the concession stand where animated cups of soda, popcorn and hot-dogs -- that resemble a bunch of dancing turds -- lurk. Things start to skew when we next see a martini glass with a very happy olive submerged in it. This leads to a marihuana plant that magically transforms into a joint followed by two lines of cocaine and a couple of nose creatures who snort it all up and then blast off. (I remind everyone that at one point, casual drug use was considered high comedy in the cinema before we all just said no. Well, some of you did.)

Next comes a plea from G. Gordon Liddy for donations to help stop the spread of Jerry Lewis Impersonator Disease. Sure, we all that was cured years ago, but now it’s spreading again. We then see the horrible effects of the disease (a psycho ward chock full of Jerry Lewis impersonators running amok. Nice LAY-DEEE!) There is no cure, so give until it hurts because we have to stay ahead of the Russians -- and we already lost France.

Meanwhile, the dancing hot-dogs have gotten into the coke and a wild orgy has erupted at the concessions counter. (Ah, the pleasure of watching two hot-dogs humping each other.)

Luckily, before it gets any more graphic, we return to the film.

Weejun and the cougar continue the fight until Squirt the dog (whose having a little trouble with the whole concept of the going for help routine) runs the cougar off into the trees. But Squirt doesn’t come back. They search the whole winter but Squirt is gone for good. (Ah, doggone.)

Spring comes and it’s time for Weejun to say goodbye. All the animals come to say goodbye, too. The family plans to have a going away dinner and Weejun makes soup for the feast. (And we notice most of the animals that came to see him wound up in the pot.) The meal begins with Bambi saying grace -- and the family’s eyes grow wide as she concentrates mostly on giving thanks for a very well endowed bear. The evening turns into a roast for Weejun, with Myron Cohen serving as roast master.

Barricading themselves inside the cabin, it isn’t long before the walls start shaking and something monstrous starts pounding at the door. (What? Did these guys open the Book of the Dead or something?) The family turns on Greg for dragging them to the middle of nowhere, and they want to go home. Bambi suggests they feed Billy to whatever it is, then maybe it’ll leave them alone. Billy says it’s probably the bear looking for her and some sloppy seconds. (Ouch. Score one for Billy.) Greg takes up the rifle just before the door breaks down, revealing a battered Squirt as the attacker. (Did I mention Squirt is a little Poodle?) Greg says they can’t save him because he’s gone wild. The whole family gleefully tells him to blow the dog away. So he does.

I looked at him funny -- like he had an enormous hole in his head. He took the hint, so today he could let me have them for $12.99. Pointing out that they were in clamshell covers and the original boxes were destroyed knocked it down to $10.99. They were also previously viewed copies, were very old, and the quality was in question. $8.99. I started to thumb through them with the intent of putting half of them back. Well, he said, if I took all of them: $5.99. Sold! (What a country.)

The titles varied from The Gumball Rally -- the only one damaged beyond hope -- to the giant killer Pigs, a/k/a Daddy’s Deadly Darling, with its catchy slogan: If you go into the woods today you're in for a PIG surprise. (Get ready, I’m reviewing it next week and expect no mercy.) I also snagged a copy of the hard to find The Manitou, where Tony Curtis battles a demon hatched from his wife's back, and The Legend of Hillbilly John where a singing bumpkin battles the devil. I also snagged copies of The Beast Within, The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (which proved a major disappointment) and this film, an obscure comedic treat from our friends the Kaufman's and Troma Studios.

Now people are usually surprised when I tell them I'm not a real big fan of Lloyd Kaufman and his films from Troma Studios. For those of you unfamiliar with the Troma canon, they all follow the same basic (and for lack of a better word) juvenile formula: large-breasted women, with even larger guns, deformed and oozing mutants, leaking bodily fluids, lots of violence and gratuitous gore complete with flying body parts. Slap on a catchy title like Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell or Surf Nazis Must Die and then unleash it on the public. And even though The Toxic Avenger and The Class of Nuke 'Em High do nothing for me, films like Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town and Troma’s War are absolutely hilarious. But what I really prefer is Charles Kaufman's films (he’s Lloyd's brother.) He gave us Mother’s Day and produced and directed this funny little gem.

When Nature Calls is a spoof and parody of the return to nature films from the 1970s like The Wilderness Family. (Not quite as common as it’s cousin -- the nature out for revenge flicks.) With the huge success of Airplane there was a glut of movies in the same comedic vein in the  early 1980s. The Outdoorsters could very easily be a segment in The Kentucky Fried Movie. The film borrows heavily on the Zucker style of comedy with the use of sight gags and literal interpretations of words and situations. Others have tried this and failed -- miserably, but this movie pulls it off. Most of the jokes you can see coming from miles away but they’ll still crack you up. (Others you should have seen coming, and repeated viewing is required to get them all.)

The film is interrupted several times by strange vignettes and cameos by people ranging from those already mentioned, to Willie Mays (part of a maize, what you people call corn joke), to Morey Amsterdam commenting on Eleanor Roosevelt’s tits (he said it, I didn’t), to Classy Fred Blassie (a wrestling psychiatrist, ya pencil necked geek.) Also watch for a segment dedicated to Ingmar Bergman.

But the most refreshing thing about When Nature Calls is that at no point did the film stop to tell you it was a spoof -- or even a comedy. It sets up the gags, and we do see a lot of them coming, but it didn't commit the cardinal sin of winking at the camera and played it straight. (It never breaks its poker face and holds the bluff.) The great ones like Airplane and Blazing Saddles never did this, or used it rarely. It also doesn't rely on gross-out jokes or demeaning humor. 

Parodies and spoofs (heck, comedies in general) have been in a horrible rut lately. I'm tired of being in on the joke, or asked to take pleasure in the pain and humiliation of others, and would rather the jokes just play out on screen. It used to be about being clever and not about taking the time out of the movie to show how clever you [the creators] are. What's depressing is that this film came off as so new and original but it came out way back in 1985.

Regardless, if you liked Airplane, early Mel Brooks movies, or films like Top Secret, then you too will probably love When Nature Calls as much as I did.

Posted: 11/29/01. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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