Well, we’ve been at this website thing for almost a year now, so it’s about time we stare right into the eye of the weird wild world of Edward D. Wood Jr. and try not to flinch first...

Our morality play begins in a courtroom as a judge reads the riot act to two parents, Carl and Jane Parkins (Arthur Millan and Barbara Weeks). We decipher that their offspring has done something really really bad, and frankly, the judge thinks it's all their fault. The mother starts to reminisce and wonders "Where did I go wrong?" 

Uh-oh, flashback...

...We jump back in time and meet their daughter, Paula (Jean Moorhead). The bleak family picture comes into focus as we find out that mom does a lot of charity work and is seldom home, and that dad’s a newspaperman and is home even less. Paula needs to talk to her mom, but she’s halfway out the door to some banquet. As they trade compliments, Paula comes of as a nice girl and mom gives her a blank check for any cash she might need for the evening. (Cue ominous music.) After she leaves, Paula's demeanor visibly changes to something more sinister as she calls up her gal pals and arranges to meet them later.

That evening, a black sedan pulls up to a lonely gas station. When the attendant comes out, the driver sticks a gun in his face. The other three passengers get out, and while one watches the road the others head inside for the loot. They're all wearing masks, but it’s pretty easy to recognize that one of them is Paula. Snatching the cash, they bash the gas jockey’s head in and leave. Later, at the hospital, Lt. Homes (Tim Farrel) waits to question the injured party. But the doctor tells him the victim is in a coma and might not make it. Enter Barney Stetson (Glen Corbett), ace reporter. Asking Holmes if it’s the same gang that’s been terrorizing the town recently, he confirms it was; which brings it to seventeen total incidents so far -- the last seven being gas station robberies -- that can be attributed to the same gang of hooligans. Homes says they intend to set a trap by placing undercover cops at all the gas stations that are open late.

Barney checks in with his boss, none other than Carl Parkins, and Carl talks about how he’d like to take the day off and spend some quality time with his daughter. But as long as these hoodlums are running amok making headlines, he just doesn’t have the time. (Oh, the irony of it all.) He tacks on that the gang is lucky because they haven’t killed anyone…yet. (Cue ominous music.)

Meanwhile, Paula and her gal pals, Phyllis, Geraldine and Georgia (Gloria Farr, Joanne Cangi & Theresa Hancock), head up to lover’s lane to cause some more trouble. They find a young couple necking and stick them up. They don’t have much money, so the girls want to know what else the boy can give them. (Omigod. Are they gonna do what I think they’re gonna do?) Trussing up the girlfriend, they leave her in the car and herd the hapless boy into the trees. (Omigod they wouldn’t?) They force him to strip. (Omigod they are.) They make sure no one else is around, then strip down themselves, and close in. (Omigod they did.) As the girlfriend manages to free herself and runs for help, the four women ravage her boyfriend. (More on this scene later.)

A few days later, at the Parkins home, mom chastises dad for forgetting his daughter’s birthday. Neither one can be there for her pajama party but promise each other to get a nice gift. When Paula visits her dad at the paper, she probes him for information to see if the police are close to discovering who’s really behind the crimewave. Dad says the police are looking for four male juveniles, and that they intend to stake out all the gas stations. Later at school, with the heat on, Paula gathers her cronies and cancels that evenings heist. They all pile into her car to go and visit Sheila (Lee Constant), their fence, to sell off the stolen loot. They haggle for a while and finally settle on a payoff, and while Sheila gets the money, Paula reveals to the others that the money means nothing to her -- she’s into crime just for the thrill of it. Wanting to talk to Paula alone, Sheila asks the others to leave. Thinking Paula is ready to move beyond the penny-ante crimes she’s been committing, and move up to the big time, she has contacts with a certain organization that will pay handsomely for someone ransacking the school. They'd also like it if a few flags are destroyed in the process. (Oh, THAT certain organization.)

Since mom and dad are away, Paula’s pajama party goes coed. Everybody’s passionately necking, groping, and swapping pajamas to an eerily familiar spaz-jazz record when Barney shows up to deliver dad’s birthday present. He invites himself in but sticks out like a sore thumb amongst these hepcats. While having a brief heart to heart with Paula, we find out that her parents give her the same thing every year: a new watch and a new car whether she needs one or not. (Man, life IS tough.) One of the guys takes a disliking to Barney and mouths off, so the reporter punches him out. As she kicks him out, Barney tells Paula she’s hanging out with a bad crowd. After he’s gone, she kicks the other boys out. There's something else they have to do tonight.

The girls head to the school, break in and start trashing the place. Their ruckus draws the attention of a patrolman and he calls for back up. The flag almost bites it when the girls hear the sirens. (*whew* that was close. Democracy is saved.) They pull their guns and start firing away, but are a little shocked when the cops shoot back. Their ammo low, they decide to make a break for the car. Paula returns fire and kills one of the patrolmen. Phyllis is shot dead before they can get outside, and Geraldine is gunned down in the playground while the other two make it to the car and roar off. Somehow, they manage to lose the police and head to Sheila’s. Hoping she can hide them until the heat’s off, Sheila refuses to help and tries to kick them out. After Paula admits she killed a cop, Sheila threatens to call the police -- so Paula shoots her too. They steal a change of clothes and all of Sheila's dirty money and go on the lam. (I have to point out that it appears Georgia has a slight hitch in her giddy-up.) A neighbor spies them as they leave and calls the cops.

When the fugitives try to buy a car with Sheila’s money, Paula starts to have stomach cramps. (He said ominously.) Closing in on them, the cops find Sheila’s body and the neighbor points out the direction the fugitives were heading. An APB is sent out, and it isn’t long before a squad car finds the girls in their new car. They try to escape, but Paula loses control and crashes into a storefront’s plate glass window.

Paula wakes up in a prison hospital -- Georgia didn’t survive the wreck. Her parents go in to see her as Homes gives us the big kids with guns speech and the evils they wrought. (Think the movies almost over? Think again.) Paula is found guilty of first degree murder, branded a thrill-killer and sentenced to life in prison. Time passes, and mom and dad are understandably morose but believe they know where they went wrong with Paula and wish they could have a second chance. And then they get one -- because Paula doesn’t want her baby to grow up in prison and wants to turn custody over to them.

Baby. Baby? What baby? She had stomach cramps, and now she’s pregnant? When did this happen? Wow. That came out of left field. I wonder who’s the dad? Omigod, you don’t think?!?

Our film takes another morbid turn as Paula dies giving birth to her daughter.

Thus endeth the flashback...

The end

The film tries to come of as heavy handed and moralistic, but only manages hilarity because they did try to cram everything into it. And, for the most part, they succeeded even though Paula’s pregnancy comes off as an afterthought and seems thrown in just for the hell of it. She has cramps, she’s dizzy, she’s pregnant. (Wow. That was quick.) And I don't even want to fathom the fact that the man they "raped" is the baby's father. Are you effin' kidding me?!?

The film is most famous for the notorious "man criminally attacked by women" scene. Despite the subject matter, it will make you laugh your butt off. As Paula gives the victim the once over, she looks to the left, she looks to the right, touches the back of her hair ever so gently, then starts to strip and slowly closes in on him -- and all we’re missing is a scene of a train going into a tunnel. Or a tunnel swallowing a train in this case. The "conventional circumstances" dialogue preceding it is also priceless. It also took me several viewings to realize that it was the guy who was screaming and not his girlfriend as she escaped down the road.

The one general misconception about the film is that Ed Wood wrote and directed it. That’s only half-right. Eddie only wrote the screenplay (and strangely enough, he doesn’t get a credit.) How do we know he didn’t direct it? That’s easy. The film is basically cohesive, and for the most part moves at a brisk pace. There are plenty of shots of police cars with sirens blaring going back and forth, so this is an easy mistake to make, but actually, William Morgan did the directing here. No matter who’s directing, though, nothing can hide Wood’s knack for circular dialogue. Does anyone else notice how his films can come to screeching halt in long, dull plot-exposition scenes? (Especially Plan 9. If I hear that solaranite speech just one more time…)

And that's when I quickly realized all he was doing was padding the film out to the required 70-minutes.

More J.D.'s and Rocket-Bras!

Posted: 10/22/00. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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