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Our
film begins with the greatest opening
credit sequence since the long tracking
shot in Touch
of Evil.
As
the driving chords of "The Last
Run" cause our scantily clad
giants to shimmy and shammy, we glean from
these credits that we're in for a real
treat. Not only do we get Tommy Kirk, Beau
Bridges, Toni Basil (yes
-- "Oh, Mickey you’re so fine,
you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey,
Mickey!" -- that Toni Basil)
and a post Mayberry -- pre Happy
Days Ronnie Howard, we receive the
final coup de gras: Written and directed
by one Bert I. Gordon.
Yeehaaw!
Our
movie proper begins as we pan over a car
wreck. Obviously ignored the warning sign
blocking off the road due to mudslides, the
teen-filled clown car opens up and eight
rebel-rousers spill out into the rain. Fred,
Pete, Rick and Harry (Beau Bridges,
Tim Rooney, Robert Random and Kevin
O’Neil), along with their
respective girlfriends, Marie, Elsa,
Georgette and Jean (Joy Harmon,
Gail Gilmore, Vicki London and Tisha
Sterling), joyously celebrate the
wreck by shot-gunning some beer and
jamming out to the Beau Brummels. As the
scene quickly degenerates into a mud-slinging
orgy and wrestling match, Pete suggests
that they should push on into Hainesville
and stir up a little trouble.
Meanwhile,
in Hainesville, Mike (Tommy
Kirk) passionately makes out with
Nancy (Charla Doherty) at
her parent's house until their necking is
crudely interrupted by her kid brother,
Genius (Ron Howard). Genius
is kind of proto-Dexter, complete
with a secret laboratory, and wants
to show off his latest experiment -- a
volatile mixture that for some reason,
hasn’t exploded yet. His sister isn’t
impressed and kicks him out of the room. Seconds
later, the house is rocked by an
explosion. Rushing to Genius’s lab, they
find him covered in his latest experiment
-- and what little substance is left in
the beaker slowly mutates into some kind
of Jell-O like mold. While they clean the
lab up, the family cat eats some of the
concoction and quickly grows to the size
of a cow. The group is saved as Woof, the
family dog, chases the cat out of the lab.
Quickly forgetting about the giant cat
running loose in the house, Mike realizes
it ate some of Genius’s experiment and
concludes that it must have caused the
growth.
Being
the owner of one normal-sized cat, I can
just imagine what a giant cat would do
to the inside of a house. Just think of
the sofa sized hairballs. Oh, the
humanity...
They
go outside and test it on some ducks, and
they grow, too. Mike sees nothing
but dollar signs and the end of world
hunger. Dubbing the mold "goo",
Mike asks Genius if he can make anymore.
He thinks so, and they head back to the
lab. (Again, completely ignoring
the giant mutant ducks. Just think of the
duck droppings!)
Unbeknownst to them, Woof eats some of the
discarded goo, too.
Breaking
into an abandoned theater, the
muddied-teens set up base camp. They clean
up and head to Go-Go’s where they find The
Beau Brummels playing live, and we
catch a glimpse of Red (Toni
Basil) go-go-ing up a storm and
spot her boyfriend, Horsey (Johnny
Crawford), happily waving at her.
They join in on the dancing until the
giant ducks show up and take over the
dance floor. Tracking the ducks down (I
assume by following the aforementioned
amazing colossal duck droppings),
Mike and Nancy are overwhelmed with
questions about the giant dancing
waterfowl. Harry asks what they've been
feeding them, but Mike says it’s a
million dollar secret. After shooing the
ducks back outside, the dance continues. Wanting
to cash in, the visiting teen-gang huddles
up and decide to try and steal the magic
feed. They try the subtle approach first.
While Fred turns the charm on Nancy, Elsa
uses her feminine wiles on Mike. Neither
gets very far as Mike quickly deduces that
they’re really after the goo. So much
for the subtle approach.
Back
at the lab, we get the first of many
scenes of Genius blowing himself up as he
tries, unsuccessfully, to recreate the
elusive goo formula.
We
segue to the next day and find the giant
ducks have been plucked and cooked on a
spit for a barbecue. (Isn’t
anyone worried about the possible side-effects
of the contaminated meat? Somebody call
the FDA!) We then get another
mindless musical number and gratuitous
dancing unseen by those of you who’ve
only seen the MST3k
version. (Lucky
you.) Genius
rides up on his bike with another vile of
goo that quickly evaporates. Jean
overhears his disgust and Genius
accidentally spills the beans about where
the magic goo is located. That evening,
Tommy and Nancy return to the lab to lock
the goo up -- but something else beat them
to it. No -- not the rival teens, but a
spider that has mutated so big it growls
at them. With some quick thinking, Mike
manages to electrocute the arachnid by
breaking a water pipe and throwing a
busted light into the water. (MacGuyver
would be proud.)
I
assume after they clean up the crispered
spider carcass (at
least they didn’t try to eat it),
Mike and Nancy leave to rejoin the party.
After they go, Pete breaks his way into
the lab. He finds the goo but triggers
Genius’s very loud burglar alarm
alerting Mike and his pals. There
is a brief rumble, and the good guys win,
but the bad guys make off with the only
goo left. The hooligans hole-up in the
abandoned theater where Harry hits upon an
idea: Maybe they should eat the goo.
The others think it’s a great idea --
except for Fred who protests vehemently,
but eventually caves to peer pressure.
They divvy up the goo and finish it off. It’s
here where we get the best F/X shot as the
teens rapidly grow and split out of their
clothes. A few regret the decision while
the others can’t wait to take advantage
of their new stature and take over the
town. But first, they have to make some
makeshift clothes out of some discarded
theater curtains -- this is a PG film
after all.
Meanwhile,
Opie -- I’m sorry, Genius is
still having no luck; although he does
create some kind of mutant hell beast that
escapes down the drain.
At
the park, where it seems that still
another party is going on, the giants make
their first public appearance and join in
on the dancing. This is truly a hilarious
sequence: We keep cutting from the giants
dancing to shots of the crowd gawking
where their expressions remain dully
fixated -- despite the fact that eight
giant people are doing the jerk a mere
20 yards away! Marie
picks up Horsey for a closer look (--
my eyes are up here, jack-ass), and
gives him a ride on her make-shift bra.
Mike demands that they put him down
(although I really don’t think Horsey
wants to be put down).
When she refuses, he
breaks a chair on Fred’s leg and gets a
giant floppy hand right in the kisser. The
Sheriff (Joseph Turkel)
arrives and disperses the crowd. He too
seems strangely unaffected by the
appearance of several fifty-foot giants in
his jurisdiction. Fred prevents Rick from
just squishing him and they retreat
peacefully.
The
next morning, Mike and the Sheriff head to
the theater to order the giant
troublemakers out of town. Before they
arrive, Harry spots them and warns the
others that they're coming -- and the
Sheriff has a rifle. Rick and Pete tell
everyone not to worry because they have
some insurance, and after
they've been given the ultimatum to leave
or else, Rick reveals that they’ve
kidnapped the Sheriff's daughter and will
continue to hold her hostage to keep him
in line. The Sheriff quickly surrenders,
and Fred sets the new ground rules: All
adults will have a curfew, and they have
to round up all the guns in the town and
bring them to the theater.
With
the sheriff helpless, Mike rallies the
other teens to save the town. While Genius
switches gears and begins looking for an
antidote, the others finally hit upon a
plan to get a hostage of their own. They
grab their lassos, mount their hot-rods
and motorcycles and go hunting for a
giant. Finding Fred separated from the
others, they attack him in the worst F/X
shots of the film. They almost get him
tied down, but Pete overhears the
commotion and grabs Nancy, and then
threatens to squish her if they don’t
let him go.
So
the giants have two hostages now, and Mike
and his pals have to rescue them and get
the guns back if they’re ever to be rid
of the giants. Mike comes up with another
plan. The giants only leave one person
behind to guard the hostages. While he
provides a distraction to get the other
giants outside, Horsey and the rest of the
gang will use some ether Genius cooked-up
to knock out the remaining giant and
rescue Nancy and Laura. (It’s
so crazy…)
Inside
the theater, Fred tries to make nice with
Nancy but is distracted by the sound of
breaking glass. Outside, they find Mike
with a slingshot throwing rocks at them.
Fred quickly recognizes the David and
Goliath motif and grabs a light pole for a
spear. He tells Marie to go back inside
and watch the hostages while the others
tag along, hoping to see Mike get squished.
Ah,
but the fleet footed Mike is too fast for
the lumbering Fred and easily dodges his
blows. Back inside the theater, the second
part of the plan goes off without a hitch.
As Marie gets a face full of ether and
passes out, Nancy and Laura are saved. And
Genius finally discovers the antidote.
Woof catches a whiff of his latest
concoction and shrinks back down to normal
size. Just in time as Fred manages to
corner Mike, and is about to impale him,
when Genius arrives with the antidote. The
gas envelopes the giants and they quickly
shrink back down to normal size. Still
disoriented at the new altitude, Mike
takes the golden opportunity to clock Fred
in the nose. The rest of the townsfolk --
including the Sheriff, surround the gang
and run them out of town. (That's
it? What about all the felonies? Isn’t
kidnapping a federal offense? And how come
their clothes shrank too?)
On
the long walk back we get one more truly
tasteless joke that I won’t spoil for
you.
The
end
Damn,
but I -- despite all better judgment --
love Bert I. Gordon movies.
Here
we have his attempt to cash in on the teen
beach movie craze. And all the Bert I.
staples are there: Traveling matte F/X at
their mediocre best; a bare bones plot
barreling for the climax; and lots and
lots of go-go dancing. There’s never a
dull moment with old Bert I. -- even Tommy
Kirk can’t sink this movie.
I’ll
admit that this film teeters on the brink
of the parameters set for J.D.’s
and Rocketbras, but I thought, screw
it, I love this movie and you will too. (Especially
the fifty shots of Opie blowing himself
up. Where did that kid get his chemistry
set?) I also love the way everybody
is so nonchalant about the sudden
appearance of all the big cats, ducks,
dogs and people. Only the icky spider is
deemed a menace to society and fried on
the spot.
The
Beau Brummels join the Del-Aires
as one of my favorite B-movie rock-n-roll
bands, although "Woman"
and "When It Comes to Your
Love" pale in comparison to the
likes of "Drive" and "The
Zombie Stomp" from The
Horror of Party Beach soundtrack. (I
wonder why they didn’t sing "Laugh,
Laugh?")
I also dig Jack Nitzsche's "The
Last Ride" -- the groovy
instrumental that accompanies the
hilariously long dancing sequences.
Speaking
of dancing sequences, I think old Bert I.
could definitely be accused of ogling with
his camera. There are many a-lingering
shots of giant breasts and shaking
hinders. (Not
that I’m personally complaining.)
There was also one character among the
teen giants, who will remain nameless (but
it wasn’t Fred, Rick or Pete),
who came off as a total creep. There are
several occasions where his leering at his
female co-stars, or the way he was
trying to cup a feel during the mud dance,
that made me feel very uncomfortable.
And
if Bert I. wants to claim H.G. Wells as
inspiration for the film, then he might as
well give a co-credit to George Orwell.
There’s just as much Animal
Farm
as The
Food of the Gods
up on the screen. The giants originally
want to share authority with the rest of
the teens after their
"revolution" but quickly replace
the adults themselves. Again, do I find
myself reading too much into this?
Probably. As the wise Crow T. Robot once
said, "Based on? Oh, yeah, based on
that they’re both in English."
I
also must be watching too much of Bill Nye
and Beakman because at the end, when Fred
and the gang shrank back down to size, all
I could think of was Wouldn’t their
stomachs and intestines explode because of
the massive quantities of soda and chicken
they ate earlier? Man, I hope Savani or
Deodato don’t direct a remake.
If
nothing else, Village
of the Giants
will probably go down as one of the
greatest episodes of Mystery
Science Theater 3000. For
me, it ranks right behind Teenage
Caveman
and The
Fugitive Alien
episodes. As I watched my unMystied
version, Mike and the Bot’s commentary
kept surfacing with surprising recall
clarity. It’s rare when The Brains
manage to be consistently funny for an
entire episode. Believe me, this isn’t a
knock, they’re all funny, but there are
a select few that are absolutely friggin'
hilarious from the opening segment right
up to TV's Frank pushing the button.
Again,
big thanks to MGM for finally getting this
cult classic out on video as part of the
welcome Midnite Movies series. I
remember getting into a bidding war on eBay
for an out of print copy a while ago, and
my rival bidder wound up paying $55 bucks
for it --
other copies were going for as much as
$80! He won. I lost, and wound up paying
$9.99 for my brand new copy.
So
who’s laughing now, Mr. Sniper bidder! Thhhbbbbbbbttthhh!
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