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3B
Theater Proudly Presents: |
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The
25
Most
Gloriously |
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Stupefying
Moments |
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in
B-Cinema
History. |
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The
Brazenly Brilliant. The
Wonderfully Inept. |
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The
Inexcusably Stupid. |
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Here
are this particular critic's list
of the most gonzoid scenes ever
committed to film. |
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| Also
known as The Filipino Batman
Movie, it's not quite as well
known as The Indian Superman
or The Turkish Star Wars, but
no less insane. What's this movie
about? I honestly don't know because
the entire movie is in Tagalog with
no subtitles. But the gist of it is
the Joker and the Penguin are on a
bank-robbing spree, and it's up to
the dynamic duo to stop them. Beyond
that, I don't have a clue as the
film spirals out of control and
refuses to end. There's about sixty
to seventy Stupefying Moments
to chose from, here, so we'll just
say that every time the characters
break into song and start wailing on
their air guitars -- mostly to old Beach
Boys tunes with new lyrics
plugged in -- as Moment #15.
Or did I forget to mention that this
thing was also a musical? Wow. I've
honestly tried to review this film, twice,
but it makes me laugh so hard I keep
seeing black spots in front of my
eyes. So, fearing that final, fatal
stroke, I've officially given up on
it. |
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Cannot
be reviewed due to health reasons. |
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Kaiju
Ginzu -- It Slices and Dices... |
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| The
flora and fauna that inhabits the
Daiei universe -- where giant,
fire-breathing turtles befriend
young Japanese boys in very short
shorts -- defy most laws of biology
and physics. Now, I could have done
a dissertation on why Gamera doesn't
get dizzy while he's in full-out
spinning rocket mode, but why bother
when it's so much easier to pick on
his rogues gallery. In the entire
history of giant Kaiju monsters,
Guiron is the most hilarious from
concept to execution as his
special-feature is a giant ginzu
knife mounted on his hood. And when
he puts that lethally sharp noggin
to use for Stupefying Moment #14
against Space Gaos, wow. After first
slicing off both of the monster's
wings, he completes the gruesome
display by decapitating his foe, and
then gleefully laughs while slicing
up the rest of the corpse into more
manageable pieces. You have
gotta be kidding me?! |
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I'm
shocked. Shocked. Shocked to tell
you that I haven't reviewed a single
Gamera movie here yet. |
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| Okay,
let's say -- hypothetically
-- you've got a perfectly good
animatronic Tyrannosaurs-Rex robot
for a film: What would you have it
do? If you'd have a mad scientist
transplant the brain of a high
school jock into it, who then must
deal with normal teen problems like
trying to get a date, avoid capture
and, of course, take revenge on
those who killed you -- when two out
of your four appendages are
completely worthless -- sorry, it's
already been done. The VideoHound
can call this harmless hooey, but
it's just plain hooey in my book. If
you grit your teeth and bear down,
though, I can promise you something
really special if you can make it to
the end of this thing. While our
hero's brain, voiced deftly by Paul
Walker, waits in a jar for another
host body, Denise Richards won't let
him be depressed for very long and
performs a strip-tease for him --
and let's just say the brain gets a
little excited for Stupefying
Moment #13. |
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Sorry.
Any chance for a review of this is
now extinct. |
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| John
Carpenter lets us know early on that
anything goes -- and no one is safe
-- with Moment #12. When a
little girl goes for an ice cream
cone, she is brutally shot dead.
Bing. Bang. boom. The scene took
guts but is done with such restraint
and matter of factness that
the audience has no time to react to
it; leaving us dumbfounded, and not
really believing what we just saw.
And the scene really screws with you
because the actress, Kim Richards,
is a familiar face to those of us
growing up watching Disney movies
like Escape to Witch Mountain.
E'yup, we've lost our balance and
won't regain it until this film is
long, long over. |
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| A
massive tumor on the back Susan
Strasberg's neck turns out to be the
Manitou -- the growing fetus of a
reincarnated, malignantly evil,
Indian spirit, who intends to bring
about the end of the world as soon
it hatches. And that, believe it or
not my friends, is not the Stupefying
Moment from this film. When
modern medicine fails, it's up to
her boyfriend, Tony Curtis, and
Michael Ansara to save the day --
but they kind of botch it while
fighting a rubber alligator. That's
not it, either. So, for the
climax,
and finally Moment #11,
it's up to buck-naked Susan who
channels the spirits of the
hospital's equipment (don't
ask), and uses their
power to
do battle with the midget
medicine-man from hell in a cosmic
showdown of laser blasts, psychedelia
and stock sound-effects. |
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My
GOD but that promised marathon of
William Girdler films is terminally
overdue... |
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Egads
-- It gets Even Worse Yet. |
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