|
|
|
|
|
|
|
3B
Theater Proudly Presents: |
|
|
|
The
25
Most
Gloriously |
|
Stupefying
Moments |
|
in
B-Cinema
History. |
|
|
|
The
Brazenly Brilliant. The
Wonderfully Inept. |
|
The
Inexcusably Stupid. |
|
|
|
Here
are this particular critic's list
of the most gonzoid scenes ever
committed to film. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Guess
He Should Have Worn his Cup |
|
|
| Heeheeeehheehehehhee...Sorry,
sorry -- Okay, the mystery has been
solved, right? The damsel in
distress has been saved, the
killer's identity has been revealed,
and said killer has been dispatched
with a bullet through the head. Now,
Pieces gets you good once
with an effective shock moment after
this denouement, but then it pressed
its luck just a little too far for Moment
#20 by trying to shock us again
when the killer's corpse reanimates,
seizes the heroes privates -- AND
THEN RIPS THEM CLEAN OFF! If
it's any consolation, the victim,
here, is the same schmuck who played
the lead singer and hero in Pod
People so, in a sense, he kind
of deserved it. |
|
|
|
|
We
may piece together a review one of
these days. Get it, piece
together a review -- Never mind. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The
Horror of Party Beach |
|
|
|
|
|
Creature
from the Haunted Sea |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Terrors
of the Deep My Ass |
|
|
|
|
| Papier-mâché,
chunks of foam rubber and ping-pong
balls: All the ingredients needed to
build your very own movie monster.
The *ahem* simplistic design
of the Creature is
streamlined and functional, but
there's just something about those
google-eyed, bratwurst-bogarting,
pigeon-toed and knock-kneed Horrors
from Party Beach. And when
these babies surface for the first
time in their respective films,
tying for Stupefying Moment #19,
try not to laugh too
hard, okay? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Petey
Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son in Law |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
One
Helluva Bachelor Party |
|
|
| The
one and only Rudy Ray Moore
has made a deal with the Devil.
Promising to marry the Cloven One's
ugly-duckling daughter, in exchange
for allowing him to return from the
grave to exact some revenge on those
who killed him, Old Scratch provides
Moment #18 by throwing a
bachelor party, complete with a
harem of sexy female demons and
succubus, for his future
son-in-law's last romp on Earth. As
Moore gets busy with ladies, what
happens next defies all logic and
the written word. Wow. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mouse
Over Image and Click Down. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| The
true testament of a really great
joke or visual gag is when you see
the punch-line coming from a mile
away, but you still watch,
patiently, as it labors along,
setting up the big pay off. And then
as it comes around the bend, and
barrels right toward you like a
wounded elephant, it STILL makes you
laugh. Moment #17 couldn't be
more obvious as the punch line waits
like an anvil suspended over your
head, waiting for you to center
yourself underneath it, but I
guarantee it will make you giggle.
Let's see...There's a bear on the
left...Then there's a bear on the
right... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
E.T.
-- the Excremental Turd |
|
|
| In
a film chock full of stupefying
moments -- and blatant product
placements, watching this noxious E.T.
rip-off is detrimental to your
mental health and sanity. I know my
brain completely unspooled during Stupefying
Moment #16 -- a/k/a the dreaded
musical interlude: When our heroes
hide the little alien Coke and
Skittles fiend in a skinned teddy
bear's pelt, it's mistaken for a toy
and the critter joins in on the
dancing at the local McDonald's.
Under the watchful approval of
Ronald himself, the dancing
alien-bear is supposed to be cute,
but it just comes off as really
creepy. Just one of the many
cinematic kicks to the groin to be
endured while watching this thing. |
|
|
|
|
A
review? Of this thing?! Forget it. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yes
-- It gets Even More Worse. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
