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3B
Theater Proudly Presents: |
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The
25
Most
Gloriously |
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Stupefying
Moments |
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in
B-Cinema
History. |
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The
Brazenly Brilliant. The
Wonderfully Inept. |
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The
Inexcusably Stupid. |
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Here
are this particular critic's list
of the most gonzoid scenes ever
committed to film. |
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Beaulah
Comes Out of the Cave |
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| This
almost conquered the world? Well,
actually, this Venusian vegetable-critter
couldn't even hold a small town in
Topanga Canyon for over an hour.
Thee most absurd looking
alien-invader ever was supposed to
stay in the darkened cave, but when
the production's light generator
broke meant the climax had to be
moved outside -- in broad daylight.
And the rest is cinema history,
which brings it in at #25 on our
list of Stupefying Moments. |
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Mouse
Over Image and Click Down. |
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| When
I was youngster, just the previews
for Prophecy -- the tale of a
mutant bear running amok in the
woods, scared the begeezus out of
me. These images and mewling sounds
haunted me for a very long time --
until I finally saw it. In Stupefying
Moment #24, the mutant bear
attacks a group of back-packers, and
when one unlucky camper, who's stuck
in his sleeping bag, tries to hop
away, he takes a left hook from the
creature, is knocked into a tree,
and detonates in a cloud of
down-filling. Now actually, the film
was doing pretty good until this
goofy scene, from which it never
recovered, and completely unraveled
by the time the cheese-dick ending
rolled around. |
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Flashbacks
-- Doggy Style |
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| While
The Hills Have Eyes was a pretty
intense, and scary film going
experience, The Hills Have Eyes
II just plain stinks. Already
hampered by a bad script, the film
is then padded out with so many
flashbacks that half the film's
screen time is dedicated to
re-showing the first film! So the
question is -- Why bother? Well,
without it, we wouldn't have Stupefying
Moment #23. Everybody else had a
flashback, so why not let the dog
have one, too. Sure, why the heck
not. Beast, the dog in question,
thinks back to the first film and
remembers how he killed one of the
mutant cannibals -- and then
contemplates firing his agent. Woof. |
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I
Reviewed the First
One -- Isn't that Enough? |
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| We
all know that Willard was the
tale of an oppressed man who used
his deadly posse of rats to take out
his frustrations on those who
tormented him. As for it's sequel, Ben
is the tale of the surviving head
killer-rat who befriends a lonely
young boy, which brings us to Stupefying
Moment #22. Our creepy,
puppet-loving little miscreant shows
off his musical talents when he
tickles the ivories and composes a
little ditty devoted to his special,
hairy-killer-rodent super-pal. And
then the song is reprised for the
closing credits, crooned by the king
of lonely freaks himself, Michael
Jackson, about 37-nose jobs ago. |
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| There
is no bigger Captain America
fan than yours truly. A World War II
veteran, Avenger, and the
living embodiment of what America
could and should be -- didn't old
Cap deserve a little better than
Albert [expletive deleted] Pyun?!
Sure, the film was a piece of
[expletive deleted], but, at the
film's amazing climax, when the Red
Skull falls about a foot and half to
his death, Captain America turns to
the camera, pauses, and then leans
toward us...Ever so slightly...And
with that one look says "Sorry
this was such a big piece of
[expletive deleted] everybody."
Attaboy, Cap! |
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I
will rip Albert Pyun a New Orifice
for this someday. |
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Believe
it or Not -- It gets Worse. |
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