So Lonnie takes a gig providing live entertainment for the bar. His music and gyrating hips go over well with the females in the audience. Too well for some -- a lanky blonde swoons for him, drawing the ire of her surly boyfriend (Memphis Mafioso Red West). The show is then interrupted while these two brawl and destroy some furniture. Whipping out his kung-fu, Lonnie quickly dispatches the lout, and his fighting prowess draws the attention of Vera Redford (Julie Adams), the owner of the Circle-Z Ranch. And she's so impressed she offers him a job -- IF he has no reservations about working for a woman. Nope. No problems here. Lonnie agrees. Arriving at the Circle-Z, Lonnie finds the place hopping with activity. He also finds out that the Circle-Z is nothing more than an all female dude ranch/fat farm. Vera puts him in charge of the horses, and tells Brad (Edward Faulkner) to show the new guy to the bunkhouse. Seeing Lonnie as a rival for Vera's attention, these two are less then friendly. They walk by an aerobics class and Lonnie is smitten with the flexible instructor, but Brad assures him that Pam (Jocelyn Lane) isn't interested. Lonnie says "There ain't no such animal as a girl that ain't interested in him." 'Cuz he's the King of Rock and Roll, baby, and he can do whatever he wants!

* * * *

Hail to the King!

Are you all digging JXL's remix of Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation" as much as I am? I'd like to say the King is back, but hell, who are we kidding, the guy never left!

Elvis Aron Presley allegedly fell off the toilet and left this mortal coil 25 years ago back in August of 1977. I say allegedly, but even The Weekly World News says Elvis is dead. Of course, according to them, he died in 1992 after teaming up with Bat-Boy and the Loch Ness Monster to thwart a Red-Chinese communist plot to tilt the world of it's axis, sending it spinning into the sun. (Thanks, fellas, we owes ya big.) To quote Tommy Lee Jones from the first Men in Black: "No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home." Of course, some people disagree, and think he's still here, alive and well, working as a short-order cook for some greasy spoon in Yuba, Wisconsin.

I personally saw him in a VW micro-bus outside a launderette in New Orleans in 1991.

From the time Elvis got out of the army in '61, until his comeback in '68, he gave up touring and performing live to concentrate on his acting career. Well, we all know how that turned out. While Elvis was making a string of B-movie offal, the British pop invasion hit in full-force and left the Big-E in it's wake. Whose to blame for this? -- One of the most despised men in my household: Colonel Tom Parker. As Elvis' manager and "technical advisor," he could have (and should have) done something to get some better scripts. But these films were cash cows. Made on the cheap, they were raking in the dough. Less money spent meant more money made. So why rock the boat? Locked into a contract, and being the guy he was, Elvis felt obligated to fulfill it -- no matter how bad they were.

His music career suffered as well. The majority of his albums released during this period were strictly soundtracks, and they matched the movies in terms of quality. Dolores Fuller, ex-girlfriend of B-movie legend Ed Wood, penned several songs for these movies. A true testament to Parker's unwillingness to pay for better material.

Despite all of this, some of his films turned out great (Viva Las Vegas.) Some were pretty good (G.I. Blues.) And some were endearingly bad (Clambake), while others are truly soul-suckingly awful experiences (Kissin' Cousins). And let's face it, most of his films were, for the most part, painfully terrible. But such is the life of a fanatic, and I've seen them all at least once. For this, I blame my mother. Yes, Elvis-mania is hereditary...

Where does Tickle Me fit into this? Let's find out...

Back at the Circle-Z, Brad dumps our hero into the capable, but always fumbling hands of Stanley Potter (Jack Mullaney -- who will be serving as Lonnie's sidekick, and one-half of the bad comedy relief.) Stanley gives him a crash course (literally) on what they do at the Circle Z: Basically, they take the pretty girls and make them beautiful -- "We roast 'em. Toast 'em. Wiggle 'em. Jiggle 'em. And give them very little to eat." When Lonnie asks how Stanley handles all the *ahem* "distractions," he says to keep it strictly on a business level and it's all gold. Lonnie says he'll try, but it won't be easy with all the beautiful women around. After a tiring first day, the ranchers gather at the chuck wagon for a very lite supper. Lonnie and Stanley run the chow line and have to deal with Estelle (Merry Anders), who's always complaining about the small portions of food. High-hilarity ensues as she tries again and again and again and again to get more food (thus providing the other half of our bad comedy relief.) As Lonnie tries to get chummy with Pam, she gives him the cold shoulder. He then tries to help everyone's digestion by breaking into song, singing something about easy answers and easy questions. Pam slowly thaws to Lonnie's roguish charm, but Brad's jealously is simmering to a boil when Vera tries to get too friendly with him again.

The next morning, while feeding the horses, Lonnie causes another ruckus by doing a little rock-a-billy number. All the girls come a-running, abandoning all the other instructors, to listen in and join him in a little dancing and hip-shaking. Brad, Pam and several others complain to Vera, demanding she do something to reign Lonnie in. Promising to talk to him, she sends them all back to work. Lonnie tries to ingratiate himself to Pam, but she thinks this "sagebrush lothario" is really after Vera, the ranch, and her money. Lonnie denies it, saying he's only working here until the rodeo season starts, but she doesn't believe him. That night, when Pam returns to her room, she finds a masked burglar waiting for her. He demands her grandfather's letter. -- Why? I don't know, we haven't gotten that far yet. -- Her screams bring Lonnie to her rescue. He attempts to whip out his kung-fu again, but then Pam tries to help and gets in the way. Instead of the burglar, she winds up conking Lonnie on the head, knocking him silly, allowing the bad guy to get away. 

Sturtevant is called in and asks to talk to Pam alone, warning her that she brought the attack on herself, and that she's been asking too many questions about her loony grandfather's secret gold-stash -- hidden somewhere in the old ghost town. No one knows for sure where the gold is, and this cryptic letter holds the only clues. And we can't help but notice that Sturtevant's warning sounds an awful lot like a threat (causing us, the viewer, to ponder his true motivations.)

The next morning, Lonnie and Brad finally come to blows. Despite Brad's quick-drying shirt (he got soaked, but is miraculously dry in seconds), Lonnie decks him cold. Harrumphing at this display of testosterone, Pam takes a jeep out to the old ghost town that is rumored to be -- wait for it -- HAUNTED! When she arrives and starts poking around old saloon, Pam pulls out the letter and tries to decipher it. Hearing some strange noises, Pam gets really scared, but luckily, it's only Lonnie, who was worried about her coming out here alone. Touched by his sincerity, Pam let's her guard down and starts to fall for the lug. They both fantasize about the old saloon, and we have a Dramamine induced flashback -- back to the days when the barroom was really jumping. As it plays out like one of the old fantasy sequences in Gilligan's Island, all the characters we've already met are there: Brad is a dishonest card shark, while Lonnie is gunslinger, Pam is a saloon girl, and Stanley is the bartender. When Brad and Lonnie fight over Pam, Lonnie wins. And he's this close to winning the real Pam as well. 

They return to the Circle-Z where preparations are being made for the evening Luau. Estelle is still trying to get more food, but her attempts are thwarted again and again and again...Do people not realize that repetition is rarely funny? And repeating these type of jokes is only going to cause the audience's head to explode? We also find out Stanley learned how to be a waiter by watching old Jerry Lewis movies -- and if you listen closely you can hear several audience member's heads detonating while you read that. Lonnie has to sing again, and Pam goes into a jealous snit when he gets a little too fresh with some of the other girls. When she storms off, Brad follows her and they have a nasty argument about something, and then Pam heads back to the bunkhouse alone. Upon entering, she's jumped by two assailants who try to kidnap her, but she thwarts their attempts to toss her into a sedan, managing a scream, which brings Lonnie and, for the lesser part, Stanley to the rescue. They brawl until Pam tries to help again, with the expected disastrous results -- Lonnie and Stanley are both knocked out, so the bad guys getaway. 

Deputy Sturtevant hears an APB to be on the lookout for the sedan, spots it, and pulls the bad guys over. Our foreshadow-o-meter is vindicated when all he does is yell at them for not completing their mission. Having failed twice, they're running out of time before the sheriff comes back. They've got to get that letter and find the gold first.

Speaking of the letter, Pam shows it to Lonnie and tells him about her grandfather's gold -- $100,000 dollars in gold double-eagles. Lonnie promises to help her find it, but neither can decipher the letter, even thought it isn't purposefully cryptic -- it's just that granddaddy's grammar and spelling were so bad they can't exactly judge where the X-marks the spot. (I'm sure my readers can relate to this.) The next morning, after singing while pitching some hay into a wagon for the evening hayride, word comes that Vera wants to see Lonnie. She wants to make Lonnie's employment permanent -- PERMANENT permanent -- and wants him to move into the big-house with her. Sticking with his rodeo plan, Lonnie declines. When Vera turns up the vamping, Lonnie caves a little and she kisses him just as Pam walks in and catches them. (Aw, poopie.) 

Lonnie tries to serenade Pam, to win her back, and as he wanders around her cabin, she keeps pulling down the shades on him until he eventually runs out of windows. They're at an impasse, so when they both lose their tempers, and have a nasty fight, Lonnie quits the Circle-Z.

Hitting several big competitions on the rodeo circuit, Lonnie doesn't do worth a poop because his mind is always on Pam. He tries to call her, but she won't talk to him. Stanley finally manages to track him down, and begs him to come back to the Circle-Z because Pam is miserable without him. Lonnie says she has a funny way of showing it. The wise and crafty Stanley knows the two are really in love, and offers that Lonnie should at least come back and tell her off for good. That does the trick, and they get back just in time to follow Pam out to the old ghost town. The two reunite, but bicker and snipe at each other until a nasty storm blows in. Taking refuge in the old hotel, Lonnie wants to keep Pam trapped there until he wins her back. So he says they're stuck until the rain stops, or they might get caught in a flashflood. She buys the ruse, but locks herself in a upstairs bedroom -- alone. Through the door, Lonnie offers her to scream if she needs anything. While Lonnie and Stanley explore the old hotel that's being restored by a historical society, Stanley is scared by all the wax dummies of masked bandits and gunslingers. Lonnie assures them there's nothing to fear, but there is something to fear. They're not alone in the hotel.

Time passes, and when Lonnie goes to check on Pam, Stanley is assaulted by someone through a secret panel, but every time he calls Lonnie back, all evidence of his attacker is gone. And when Pam tries to close her window, she screams when a werewolf appears outside. Bolting for the door, she runs smack into another ghoul -- the one that was pestering Stanley, who accosts her, looking for the letter. Luckily, the screams bring Lonnie running and he decks the ghoul, and when they pull his mask off, reveals it's one of the cooks from the Circle-Z. Stanley is convinced that the surly Brad must be the ring leader. Regardless, more bad guys running loose, so Lonnie tells them to tie the cook up while he rousts the others out. Passing one of the wax dummies, it winks at him, and then produces a large knife and chases Lonnie down the hall. The hallway dead ends at a door that says "don't enter." As the villain charges, Lonnie risks opening the door and it leads directly outside -- and I should probably remind everybody that we're on the second floor, and it appears the historical society hasn't installed the back stairs yet. Grabbing the hook holding the sign, Lonnie sidesteps the charging villain who plummets two stories into the thick mud below. 

At least I think that's mud. At least he'd better hope that's mud.

Lonnie swings back inside safely, but comes face to face with the werewolf. Pulling another olé, he sends him through the false door, too, and the werewolf does a swan dive into the muck below -- joining his buddy wallowing around in it.

Man, that's some awfully funny looking mud. I'm reminded of the days of working in a feedlot. Rule Number One: If you fall down in one of the holding pens, make sure you keep your mouth closed -- if you catch my drift.

Swinging back inside again, Lonnie spies Pam and Stanley running toward him. Our hero says their worries are over, the bad guys are all taken care of, and since the storms over, they'd better go and get the authorities. Stanley agrees, and walks right out the false door and plummets to the ground. But he misses the muck and crashes through the cellar door, down into the hotel's basement. As he calls for help, the other two follow his voice and are amazed to find him still in one piece. Among the debris, Pam spies a large chest with her grandfather's initials on it. Figuring that must be where the treasure is hidden, Lonnie tells Stanley to find something to pry the padlock off. He finds a crowbar stuck in the wall, and after he wrestles it loose, doesn't notice the hole it left is now peeing out gold coins. Giving Lonnie the crowbar, they try to bust open the trunk when the sound of the falling money finally makes them stop. Eureka! Pam's rich.

They start counting the money just as Sturtevant shows up, and he shows his true colors by demanding all the loot. Lonnie manages to kick the gun out of his hand and they start to fight. Despite Lonnie's protests, Pam tries to help again, but this time, she manages to conk the right guy. Suddenly, Brad shows up, dragging the two masked crooks who were stuck in the mud behind him. The foreman says Vera was worried when they didn't come back, and sent him out to find them. Still thinking he's the real mastermind, Brad admits to being a heel, but he's no crook, and then pulls the masks off, revealing two other ranch hands from the Circle-Z. (Zoinks!)

So Lonnie and Pam are back together, are filthy rich, and decide to get married. When the ceremony at the Circle-Z finishes up, we spy that Brad and Vera are back together, too. And while Stanley finishes tying all kinds of junk to the back of the wedding jeep, Pam throws her bouquet and the two pile in and get ready to leave. Lonnie hits the gas, and Stanley is caught up in the tangled mess he made. And as the happy couple drives off into the sunset, we see Stanley "water-skiing" in a tin-washtub behind them. 

The end

Tickle Me definitely falls into the endearingly bad category on the Elvis movie scale. It isn't great, but it won't cause you any brain-seizures either. Aside from its' star, the film carries a ton of B-Movie clout: B-Movie queen Julie Adams has aged just fine since her encounter with The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Wowzers. And keep your eye out for Allison "Attack of the 50ft. Woman" Hayes as another client trying to lose weight. Screenwriter Eddie Bernds has graced this site before with Queen of Outer Space, and also gave us World Without End and Valley of the Dragons -- all three infamously using the same unfortunate looking giant-mutant-spider prop. And director Norman Taurog, a veteran of nine Elvis movies, also had a hand in Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, and prodded the giant grasshoppers along those scenic postcards of Chicago in Beginning of the End. Both Taurog and Bernds had their hand in writing and directing shorts for The Three Stooges, and tried to use the same comedic formula in Tickle Me. Unfortunately, what worked for Larry, Mo and Curly doesn't always work for the King of Rock-n-roll, but god bless 'em, they kept right on trying. Luckily, most of the truly odious attempts at comedy -- what the boys over at Stomp Tokyo like to refer to as anti-comedy -- fall on Mullaney and Anders, sparing Elvis the brunt of it.

The songs in Tickle Me are pretty forgettable, and there's nothing here that can top his duet "Yoga is as Yoga Does" with Elsa "Bride of Frankenstein" Lancaster in Easy Come, Easy Go. Elvis belts out no more than nine tunes in this movie, and that roughly figures out to about one song every 7.5 minutes. His penchant for spontaneously combusting into song -- no matter where he is, or what he's doing -- in his films is legendary. And I don't even want to fathom where the music and back-up singers are coming from...

The abrupt, absurd, and laughable 180-degree turn from the wild-west dude-ranch to haunted house spook-show is one of the main reasons why this is one of my favorite Elvis movies of all time. I mean, what the hell was that all about? It is a testament to Elvis that his presence can raise the level of crap he's making to an enjoyable experience. The man is simply amazing, and his films are a ripe and untapped source of amusement that his been neglected by lovers of bad movies and b-movie websites everywhere. I personally love the guy, and his movies, no matter how gawd-stinking awful they may be, so Elvis will be making plenty of encore appearances here at 3B Theater so stay tuned.

But for now, you'll have to excuse me. I've suddenly got the rollicking chords of "Promised Land" rolling through the old, cerebral random-play jukebox, and it's time to jump in the old Cadillac and get this "poor boy" cruising on down the line. 

Posted: 08/17/02. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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