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Our
film opens on a lonely road, where a
speeding car erratically makes its way
along. Behind the wheel we spy Martha
Sanders (Terry
Lumley), frantically checking the
rear view mirror, making sure no one is
following her. The dissonant soundtrack
says something is very amiss, and the
striking organ chords tells us evil is
definitely afoot. Passing
a derelict gas station with a pay phone, the
car screeches to halt and she makes a
collect call to her sister, Elizabeth.
While the operator tries to connect her,
she worriedly keeps her eyes back on the
way she came from. But there's no one
there. Her sister was supposed to be home,
but there is no answer at Liz's house.
Martha spots a scruffy looking character
coming out of the gas station. She panics
and screams at him, and then gets back in
the car and roars off. The bum only picks
up her discarded cigarette and finishes it
off. Whatever's chasing her has Martha
scared beyond rationality.
Martha
makes it to Liz's house, but she's snuck
into town for some groceries and the
creepy gardener let's her inside. Locking
the door behind her, Martha also shuts all
the blinds. Safe -- but only for only a
brief moment as she realizes she's not
alone in the house. And then Martha
screams, and screams and screams.
*
* * *
The
prolific TV production tandem of Aaron
Spelling and Leonard Goldberg have
produced us another doozy. The same duo
that brought us the 1970's kitsch staples Charlie's
Angels,
Fantasy
Island
and The
Love Boat,
went on to action programs like T.J.
Hooker
in the '80s before turning to teen soap-operas
in the '90s with Beverly
Hills 90210.
The tandem had a knack for plugging in
episodes that dealt with pressing and
relevant social ills and issues facing
whatever program was on the air at the
time: from drugs, to gang violence, to the
homeless.
But
before they really got into the TV series
swing, they co-produced several made for
TV movie exploitation pieces like the
kidnapping caper Snatched,
and the invitation only Death
Cruise.
They also had a hand in a couple of
supernatural thrillers, including Chill
Factor
and this little number.
Satan's
School for Girls
is no different than their TV shows.
Hiding the moral with a lot of jiggling
and wiggling, if you know what I mean, the
film serves as a warning to impressionable
young women against the dangers of falling
blindly for the minions of evil. Or
something...
Liz
(Pamela
Franklin) returns home to find a
patrol car waiting for her. The gardener
heard the screams but the house was
locked, so he called the police. Liz
unlocks the door but it's chained from the
inside. Asking the police to knock it open,
instead of just kicking the door in,
Patrolmen Smith and Wesson blow the chain
away. When the cordite clears, they find
Martha hanging from the ceiling; an
apparent suicide.
Liz
can't believe it: Her sister would never
have committed suicide. Sure she was
depressed when their parents died; but
that was several years ago, and she'd been
getting better. Needing some answers, Liz
tells the Detective in charge to ask
around the Salem Academy for Women -- the
school Martha was attending -- to find out
why she would kill herself. Citing
confidentiality, the school refuses to
cooperate. Liz is suspicious, but as far
as the cops are concerned, the case is
closed. Martha was found hanging by
herself inside a locked and empty house,
making it clearly a suicide.
Unable
to accept this, Liz decides to look into
it further on her own and enrolls in the
Academy under an assumed name -- so she
can investigate more freely. Before
hitting the campus, Liz tracks down Lucy
Dembrow (Gwynn Gilfred),
Martha's old roommate. Asking if she
noticed any changes in Martha, or perhaps
if she kept a diary, Lucy appears just as
nervous and jumpy as Martha was. She
claims to know nothing, but does her best
to warn Liz away from Salem Academy. When
she refuses to be swayed, Lucy makes her
swear that they've never met and talked.
Arriving
on campus, Liz meets the welcoming
committee: Roberta (Kate
Jackson), Debbie (Jamie
Jackson) and Jody (Cheryl
Stoppelmoor -- soon destined to become
Cheryl Ladd. So e'yup, we've got two of Charlie's
Angels
attending good old Satan U.) Everyone
seems nice enough, and Roberta gives Liz a
shot of liquid courage before ushering her
to the main office to meet Mrs. Williams (Jo
Van Fleet) -- a/k/a The Dragon
Lady, the headmistress of the school.
Liz
probably wishes she'd drank the whole
bottle as Williams goes on and on about
the traditions of the Salem Academy -- and
I assume it's varied curriculum of
cauldron churning and proper spell
casting. As she drones on and on, we
get two very relevant plot points: One,
the campus is very isolated and miles from
civilization, and two, the power is
unreliable, so blackouts are not uncommon,
explaining why each student is issued a
kerosene lantern. After the orientation is
finally completed and Liz leaves, Williams
gets a phone call and she sinisterly
confirms that the new student has arrived.
Liz's
first class is Painting Interpretation and
Theory 101 (man, gotta love those
liberal arts colleges.) Professor
Clampett (Roy Thinnes; that guy
from The
Invaders
again, last scene fighting evil spirits
with The Shatner in The
Horror at 37000 Feet.) challenges
his students to look beyond the normal, to
embrace illusions as reality, and to blink
your mind as well as your eyes. (Man,
I had several classes with several quacks
who had the same whacked out theories.
Easiest A's I ever got.) At the end
of the class, it's time to critique
everyone's paintings. Liz is startled to
see Debbie's canvas: a morbid portrait of
Martha, alone in a dark room, in front of
a large wooden door.
The
next period finds them in Professor
Delecroix's Behavioral Psychology class.
Delecroix's (Lloyd
Bochner) is another quack whose
classroom is dominated by a huge wooden
maze, where several mice screech and
scurry about. The Professor maniacally
describes how they will manipulate, train
and torment the mice by moving their
cheese reward to different points in the
maze, driving the the rodents into a
frenzy. (And I have to pause and
point out that they keep referring to
these critters as rats, but they're most
definitely mice, leading me to believe
that Delecroix lied on his résumé.)
He asks his class why would they want to
condition the mice that way. Liz answers,
saying it will make them more passive. Happy
that somebody's paying attention,
Delecroix is impressed. He says a broken
mind is more susceptible to manipulation
and brainwashing. (Making the
twitchy Professor our prime suspect as old
Beelzebub, himself, as the title would
imply.)
Class
is soon dismissed but carries over into
the hall. Debbie pitches some kind of
spastic fit: babbling about rats, mazes
and mind control, and then collapses in a
heap. When she recovers, the girl has no
recollection of what happened. She quickly
gathers herself back together so they can
all get to the very popular Clampett's
wine tasting party. By the time they
arrive, the party is in full swing (and
is wine supposed to foam like that?).
Things come to a screeching
halt when Jody bursts in crying, saying
Lucy's dead: Another suicide. Debbie
ominously states, "That's two of
us."
Later
that night a storm is a brewing: ominous
winds blow, and purple lighting strikes (never
a good sign.)
Wanting to question Debbie about her
painting and what she said at the party,
Liz takes up her lantern (the wind
knocked the power out) and heads
out into the worsening storm. Debbie
admits the girl in the painting is Martha.
Liz asks why she painted such a gloomy
picture. [MASSIVE
LIGHTNING CRASH!] Debbie's answer is
cryptic, claiming to be one of Delecroix's
rats stuck in a maze. Refusing to answer
anymore questions, Liz asks what the girl
is so afraid of. [MASSIVE LIGHTNING CRASH!]
Grudgingly, Debbie admits its what's
behind the massive black door in her
painting. Unsure if it's a dream, or a
vague memory, but she's been in that
dreadful place. Liz asks where it is. [MASSIVE
LIGHTNING CRASH!] Debbie isn't sure, but
feels it's close -- maybe in this very
building.
After
putting Debbie to bed, Liz heads back out
into the storm. The rain hasn't broken yet,
but the lightning is intensifying as she
sneaks across campus to the art studio.
She pilfers the painting, and on her way
out, she passes Delecroix's classroom and
hears the mice happily squeaking away. (Well
that's subtle.)
Hustling
back to the dorms -- and you'd think she
could have used a smaller canvas, sheesh!
-- Liz heads down into the bowels of the
building. A mere cursory search quickly
turns up the ominous door. Summoning up
some courage, Liz opens it and sticks the
lantern in. Slowly illuminating the
corners, one by one, the room appears
empty -- except for that last corner.
Someone's there -- and that someone
appears to have a serpent for a hand!
Liz
doesn't stick around for a closer look.
She bursts into Debbie's room and relates
what she found. Debbie freaks, and
adamantly denies everything she said
before, saying it was all a load of crap.
Roberta and Jody overhear all this and
calm Debbie down. They tell Liz that
Debbie is scared of an old Academy legend:
Back during the Salem Witch Hunt, eight
students were accused of witchcraft and
hung in one of the campus cellars. Liz
thinks there's something to it, but
Roberta insists it's just an old urban
Legend.
The
next day, kooky Delecroix is at it again,
discussing what triggers psychotic
behavior in rats (or
in this case, mice.)
He says terror is the best trigger to
make a rat go bonkers -- and can even
force them to kill. He then extrapolates,
saying humans are exactly the same way and
will react violently, and kill, when
threatened with the unknown. He asks what
does this all mean to their mind control
experiments. Since no one else will
answer, he picks on Liz again. She answers
with an amazing leap in logic, replying
that the test subjects can be scared into
passivity. Satisfied that someone did
their homework, Delecroix twitches past an
empty desk and bemoans his regret that
Debbie missed today's lesson.
Now
I know what you're thinking, but
methinks Delecroix's rants aren't rants
at all but some kind of warning to his
students. Meaning our suspicions of
Delecroix were all wrong. I've never
seen a bigger red-herring in my entire
cinematic life.
Later
that night, the absent Debbie sneaks out
of the dorm. She stealthily runs from tree
to tree, until she comes to the Academy
gates. Looking around to make sure no one
is following her, she then bolts past the
gates and runs into the night, cackling
like a goober. Later still, Liz suspects
Delecroix is behind the dubious goings on
at the Academy and convinces Roberta that
the dormitory basement is just like one of
his mind-control mazes -- only they're the
rats (MICE!). Roberta doesn't need
much convincing that the Kook is up to no
good, so they decide to explore the room
in the basement together. They slowly
illuminate the corners again -- only this
time, they find Debbie's dead body; her
head encased in a plastic bag.
They
wake up Mrs. Williams and tell her what
they found. Thinking it's another suicide,
Williams says to remain calm and she'll
call the sheriff. Things turn more
sinister when she dials up the sheriff but
secretly holds the receiver down with her
thumb. Talking into a dead line, she tells
no one in particular to send the cops to
the Academy right away. To prevent a
panic, she tells the girls to not tell
anyone about Debbie and to let the
authorities handle it.
Roberta
is happy to do just that, but Liz changes
her mind: it's got to be more than a mere
coincidence that three girls from the
Academy have committed suicide, under such
mysterious circumstances, in such a short
time. Suspecting Delecroix somehow drove
them to suicide, they decide to raid the
school's files and find out where he came
from. They break into the personnel office
and rifle through the filing cabinets, but
Delecroix's file is missing. Checking for
the dead girl's files, Liz learns from
Roberta that all of them were orphans.
Roberta admits that she's one, too, but
won't kill herself over it. (Uh-oh.
I guess we know whose next.) Lucy's,
Martha's, and even Debbie's files are all
missing too. But how could Debbie's be
missing already? She just died. They
quickly deduce that Mrs. Williams must be
in collusion with Delcroix.
Despite
all the new evidence, the call of
red-herring on Delecroix still stands.
They
check out Delecroix's lab and find all the
missing files (that
are a little too conveniently laid out in
plain sight.)
They also make the grisly discovery
that all his mice have been killed.
Whodunit? Who knows. But maybe it's the
twitchy, sweaty guy over in the corner
holding the gun. The Professor appears to
have run his maze just one too many times
and finally cracked. He denies killing the
mice, but claims to know who did and
babbles it wasn't a person at all. Delecroix
knows
who's really behind the evil goings on at
the Academy; he's aware that he knows too
much already, but declares they won't get
him. And then promptly chucks himself out
a window and runs away.
The
girls beat feet in the opposite direction,
and run right into Clampett. Telling him
Delecroix has gone bonkers, he says he'll
take care of it and not to tell anyone
else -- not to cause a panic. (And
our satanic suspicions lock and target
squarely on Clampett. I knew he was too
nice a guy.) Delecroix
is still running --
or is he being chased? He falls into a
pond and soon finds himself surrounded by
six of his students, including Jody. He
swears he won't reveal their secrets, and
tries to climb out of the water, but the
girls are armed with long poles and keep
poking him under until he drowns. (Okay,
they're in the middle of Massachusetts
right? So where in the heck did all those
bamboo poles come from?)
Back
in the dorms, Roberta is worried about
Clampett, while Liz can't believe the cops
haven't shown up yet. (And
they ain't gonna, sister.)
Liz comments that Roberta seems very fond
of Clampett. Roberta says the teacher gave
her confidence and the power to really
live; his charms were overwhelming with
introverted girls like Lucy, Debbie -- and
Martha. (Oh, yeah, he's old Scratch
alright, and frankly, I think Roberta is
already in cahoots with him.) At
this point, Liz confesses that she's
really Martha's sister -- right before
Clampett comes back, and Roberta tells him
Liz's secret. Clampett says he couldn't
find Delecroix and fears he might come
back after the girls. So he tells them to
go to the painting studio and lock
themselves in until the police arrive.
They do just that, and the power -- very conveniently,
picks
that time to conk out again.
Our
suspicions of Clampett are quickly
confirmed when our next scene finds him
ordering Mrs. Williams to evacuate the
campus. At first she refuses, but he
promises that after tonight it will all
finally be over. Williams swoons and sways
and appears to be fighting his influence
-- all for not. Alerting the entire campus
that the power outage is causing a fire
hazard, the students will be evacuated to
town by bus. Clampett oversees the
caravan. The last girl in tells him
everyone's out -- except for eight girls
and Mrs. Williams. Saying he'll drive the
rest out personally, he sends the rest on.
In
the studio, Roberta and Liz hear the buses
leaving. Roberta wants to wait for
Clampett but Liz runs after the buses;
they can't hear her. She runs to her car
to go after them but finds Delecroix's
soggy body propped up in the driver's
seat. Retreating back into the dorm Liz
runs right into Roberta. They head to the
main office and find Mrs. Williams in
la-la land; she's mentally regressed back
to her days as a student, and from her
mumbling, we deduce she's had a few
sessions in the big black room with old
snake-hand herself.
Thinking
the best course of action is to walk into
town -- three miles away, Roberta thinks
they'll need some protection and remembers
the janitors keep a couple of rifles and a
hand gun locked in a locker in the
basement. (For
those really nasty floor stains.)
Liz agrees that they should get a gun
first before venturing out into the dark.
Williams warns that it will do no good.
He'll find out. He always does. (Who?
Could it be...SATAN!)
Taking
a lantern, they head into the basement and
break into the locker. The rifles are gone
but they find the pistol and some
ammunition. They also hear noises coming
from the dreaded black room. Roberta wants
to amscray, but Liz insists they make sure
no other girls are left behind. Roberta
covers the door with the gun while Liz
cautiously opens it -- to reveal six girls
dressed in white robes, and one man
cloaked in black. Roberta then shows her
true colors, shoving Liz inside at gun
point, and then takes her place beside the
other girls. The man in black pulls back
his hood, revealing that our satanic
figure is indeed Professor Clampett. The
Cloven One says that 300 years ago eight
of his disciples were killed in this
basement, and he's been trying to even the
score with eight clean souls ever since.
But something always mucked up the works:
300 years of trying and he still can't get
it done? Some Prince of Darkness this
clown is. Having been pegged as the eighth
sacrifice, the other girls urge Liz to
willingly submit, but she refuses and
pleads with the others not to give in.
They won't listen, so she gets more
drastic and chucks her lantern at
Clampett. The projectile misses him but
breaks open, and soon the small room is
engulfed in flames -- but the other girls
still refuse to move.
It's
too late for them, but Liz runs away.
Clampett chases after her. At the top of
the stairs, she finds Williams stumbling
around, begging anyone who'll listen not
to tell that she's been in the black room.
Liz takes the loony's lantern and tosses
into the basement, where it explodes on
impact, cutting Clampett off, and soon the
entire dormitory is burning. Clampett
hears sirens approaching and returns to
the black room, now a raging inferno. He
smiles and walks into the conflagration,
but he doesn't burn. (OoOOoooOOoOoOOoo...)
Liz
and Williams make it outside, just as
several patrol cars pull up. The evacuated
students were worried when the others
didn't show up and called the cops. The
sheriff asks if everyone got out safely.
Liz says no, seven girls are still trapped
in side. The sheriff asks about Professor
Clampett. Liz watches as the conflagration
rages on and says he's right where he
belongs -- no he isn't. He's right over
there, by that tree, smoking a cigarette.
No, wait, he's fading out, leaving only
smoldering foot prints in his wake. (OooOoooOoooOOooOOoo...)
The
great Satan, ladies and gentlemen. He'll
be here all week. Be sure to tip your
waitress, and try the veal.
The
End
Kate
Jackson was just coming off of her stint
on Dark
Shadows
and a supporting roll as Officer Danko's
wife on The
Rookies
-- another Spelling and Goldberg
production. Combine that with Ladd's
appearance, and that's the reason why the
film is sometimes called Satan's
Angels.
The video box I have prominently shows
Ladd on the front, but her screen
appearance barely breaks two minutes. Lead
star Pamela Franklin would continue on
exploring the supernatural in The
Legend of Hell House the very next
year. And as much as I despise bell
bottoms and most '70s fashions, all of these
gals look quite fetching in them
hip-huggers. Wow. The film was remade
in 2000, starring another Spelling protégé,
Shannon Dougherty. Jackson returned as
well, this time playing the headmistress
of the school.
I'd
hate to call Satan's
School for Girls
a good film, but there really isn't
anything wrong with it. There are some
effective and creepy moments lost in the
cheese -- especially the scenes of Liz
sneaking around the campus grounds at
night, her white robe flowing and
illuminated whenever the lightning
strikes. Beyond that, the plot isn't
anything new. Delecroix is an interesting
character that should have been featured
more. He's a weirdo, but an interesting
weirdo, with sufficiently whacko theories.
And these theories are important to the
story, but the screenplay just skims along
the surface, refusing to get into the guts
of something that could have proven
interesting and given this by-the-numbers
film an original twist. Instead,
its content to just toddle along, just
sufficiently spooky enough, and just
engaging enough, to keep us interested,
but it could have been a lot better. The
script is so blasé about Satan's presence
-- or whoever the hell Thinnes is supposed
to be, that one scratches one's head
wondering why they didn't just stick with
the brainwashing idea and make Satan the
Macguffin.
And
it also falls into the familiar
cheese-dick ending cliché that dominated
any movie from the '70s that concerned
themselves with the Cloven One. The
protagonists would score a symbolic
victory only to reveal Satan still lurking
in the background, ultimately victorious
by default or treachery. (See
The
Devil's Rain
that I swear we will review here one of
these days.)
The
biggest problem facing Satan's
School for Girls
is that even though it isn't all that
great, it's still too good for it's
own good. It's overall lackluster-ness
just can't live up to that lurid title,
and the inevitable expectations of crap
that come with it, which is why the film
is, ultimately, a disappointment.
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