And
on the Plains of Cyrus Bentok, Santa, the Claus, known as Kringle to
the Kelts, Uberelf to the Goths and The Red to those from across the
sea, astride his chariot -- drawn by eight stout reindeer (the
ninth, Rudolph the second, son of Donner, fell at the Battle of the
Firfwood Tyne, struck down by an enemy sniper) -- road out in
front of his warrior elves, the Elfenhard. The toy makers have
beaten their toy tools into swords to help repel the invasion from
the Red Planet Mars.
Across
the way, of the field of battle to come, the Martian legions awaited
-- the sun glinting off the shiny plastic barrels of their deadly
Wham-O Air Blaster Freeze Guns -- primed and at the ready.
The
Claus turned his battle sleigh and rode up and down the front of his
lines. No words need be spoken. A chorus of cheers erupted, as he
rode passed, and the elves beat their shields, with their sword
butts, in a strong cadence. The Claus swung the chariot back until
he reached the center of his lines and dismounted. He went from
beast to beast along the hitch, calling them all by name, and when
he reached the front, he whispered into the lead creature’s ear.
Dasher, the swift, snorted his dismay but a stern look from his
master made him lower his head. Dasher looked to the right to his
partner Dancer, the not so swift, and they slowly led the others
back through the lines.
The
elves parted, like a green wave, allowing the creatures to retreat
to the rear and another cheer erupted as the noble beasts moved to
safer ground. Soon they were gone and the assembled mass turned back
to The Claus -- but the cheer only grew louder. No semblance of the
Jolly Old Elf of old remained. In its place stood a pillar of stone
resolve, hell bent on removing the Martian scourge from the
universe.
With
the raising of one, red mittened hand, The Claus silenced his army.
It became so quiet you could hear his Red Banner flapping in the
wind. After several pregnant moments, he spoke. He ordered Winky,
son of Stanky of the Frupping-Dell elves, to have the archers stand
at the ready.
The
Claus then removed his hat and his long, white locks dropped low and
sifted in the wind. He drew a long saber, from inside his magical
toy sack, and drove the blade through the hat and began to swing it
over his head. A low, guttural, growl slowly crescendoed and it
wasn’t long until his entire army was warped into a blood-rage
frenzy.
"They
will write songs of what we do today." He roared.
"Remember
the North Pole!" then he turned and led the charge towards his
destiny...
Even
though that is what the title of the film, Santa
Claus Conquers the Martians,
might imply -- it isn’t exactly what we get. Instead we get a
mind-warping kiddie flick straight from the '60s.
(And I
apologize for that Tolkien hangover in those few paragraphs.)
-
- - -
The
film begins with the, slightly off-key, children’s chorus singing
a hideously infectious jingle "Hurray
for Santy Claus!"
After
the credits, we open on a TV set, tuned into the KID Network, and
the announcer announces that it’s almost Christmas and they’ll
have a special report, directly from Santa’s workshop at the North
Pole. We slowly pan around to see who’s watching -- and unless
those rumors about sitting too close to the TV are true, we can
assume the green hued children are Martians. (The
green skin and kitchen utensils glued to their head kind of gives
them away.)
Bomar
(Chris Month)
and Girmar (Pia
Zadora) watch,
with a cold detachment, as the newscast goes live to the North Pole
and wacky weatherman, Andy Henderson (Ned
Wertimer),
cracks lame jokes about the subzero
temperatures and makes his way inside the Toyshop.
Inside,
he finds the elves hard at work and the Big Red Cheese himself (who
appears to have been hitting the rum. I think the red nose has
finally been explained.) Santa (John
Call) gives
Andy the nickel tour. He shows one of the latest toys, a toy rocket
that uses real rocket fuel. (Keep
your X-Box. I want me wanna those.)
Andy
spots a green doll. Santa says Winky, the weird elf, made that and
claims it’s a Martian. (And
thus Winky invents the action figure, ushering in a dark chapter in
the history of toy making as hordes of speculators run over
defenseless children to get their Martian, mint on the card, to sell
later for a sinful profit.) Andy
ominously states he hopes Mars has a version of Santa, to bring joy
to the Martian children. Mrs. Claus (Doris
Rich) comes
in and starts cracking the whip - sending everyone back to work.
Interview over.
But
there is no joy on the Red Planet. High Lord Kimar (Leonard
Hicks) finds
his servant, Dropo (Bill McCutcheon),
sleeping on the job. He turns something
- that looks like a cattle prod - on him but it turns out to be a
tickle ray. (Can
I get one of those too?) Dropo
flops around, like a spastic idiot, in some kind of fit. (And
I warn everyone that he will be in that highly agitated state for
the rest of the film.)
Kimar
and his wifemate, Momar (Leila Martin),
are worried about their children, Bomar
and Girmar. They won’t eat their food pills, won’t sleep without
the help of the sleep-ray and spend their entire day in front of the
tele-screens, watching Earth programs. It's bedtime and Kimar has to
pry his kids away from the screen and set the sleep-ray to full
blast.
It’s
the same all over Mars and Kimar doesn’t know what to do. Momar
suggests they consult with the ancient Chochem (Carl
Don). He’s, like, 800 years old and
should know what to do. Kimar calls the high council, including the
spiteful crank, Voldar (Vincent Beck),
to meet him at the old caves. Kimar calls to Chochem and in a puff
of smoke, the wizened old coot appears.
Kimar
spells out the problem and Chochem says it’s obvious. The Martian
children are rebelling. From the day they are born, they’re hooked
into Martian learning machines and are adults before they can walk.
The children must learn to have fun. In other words: Mars needs a
Santa. (And
Larry Buchanan kicks himself for not thinking of this movie first.) And
in another puff of smoke, Chochem vanishes. (Wait,
no he didn’t he’s still there.)
Voldar
thinks it’s a terrible idea and doesn’t want to turn their
children into mush brained idiots, like Earth children. Besides,
where are they going to get a Santa Claus? Kimar says they’ll just
have to go to Earth and get one. So Kimar, Voldar and a Martian
contingent board a giant Tinker Toy and blast off. They reach Earth (and
Voldar was bitching the whole way),
pull into orbit and begin scouring the planet for Santa.
The
Martians are shocked to find Santas all over the place. (They’re
looking at several gents in Santa suits ringing the bell for the
Salvation Army and such.) Kimar
takes this as a good sign, with all those Santas they won’t miss
the one they kidnap. Their alarms go off as the ship is scanned with
radar beams. Something’s wrong with the Radar Jammer -- it’s
come down with a bad case of Dropo, who stowed away under the
control panels. The Martians land below the radar screen to make
repairs.
Meanwhile,
the nation is alerted that the military has picked up a UFO and are
scrambling to the nation’s defense (via
stock footage.) Of
course the Russians deny they have anything to do with it.
We
cut to two children, Billy and Betty Foster (Victor
Stiles & Donna Conforti),
sitting under a tree, listening to the
news reports about the UFO. Speculations abound that Martians are
invading. Well they are, as a Martian scouting party finds them.
Kimar says they come in peace and are looking for Santa. Billy says
there’s only one real Santa Claus and he’s at the North Pole. (Oops.
Way to go kid.)
Kimar
is excited about the news because the North Pole is isolated and
they can act without much resistance, or threat of discovery. Voldar
demands that they take the kids with them, so they can’t rat them
out. Kimar reluctantly agrees. The Martian ship, fully repaired,
blasts off and heads north.
Along
the way, Dropo lets the kids out of the brig and gives them the
grand tour. He shows them the Radar Jammer and several other vital
pieces of equipment. He hears the other Martians coming and hides
the children in the same spot he hid earlier. The ship lands. Kimar
tells Dropo to stay and watch the kids, and the rest will go after
Santa. The Martians will take no chances and plan to activate Torg
to take Santa down. (What’s
a Torg? I don’t know but it doesn’t sound good.)
Billy
and Betty overhear their plans. After they all leave, Billy
sabotages the Radar Jammer, they both give Dropo the slip and escape
outside, into the sub-sub-zero temperatures, and disappear into the
snow dunes to warn Santa.
The
Martian strikeforce disembarks and Voldar announces the Earth
children have escaped. Kimar sends the rest after them, to stop them
from reaching Santa. And he stresses to Voldar to take them alive,
then turns his attention back to the ship. He adjusts some knobs on
his belt and calls for Torg to come out. (And
the tension builds to see what a Torg really is.)
Billy
and Betty spot Voldar and take refuge in a cave. But Voldar finds
their footprints in the snow, and tracks them. (And
I don’t think he plans to take prisoners.) Before
he can close for the kill, Voldar hears something and turns to see a
(really sad looking) polar
bear. The bear frightens Voldar away but then it goes after the
kids. Luckily, the cave is too small and it can’t get at them. The
guy in the bear suit gives up and moves on.
The
kids come out and spot some lights on the horizon. Betty thinks
it’s Santa’s Toyshop but Billy says the lights are moving. They
are moving - and are coming closer. And from out of the snow
shuffles Torg, the Martian Robot of Death, towards the frightened
children.
And
as it comes into the light, we see the Martian Robot of Death is a
refrigerator box and some heating ducts wrapped in tinfoil. A few
doohickeys are glued to it’s front and a bucket is propped on top
for a head. And we slowly shake our heads realizing this is the
zenith of Martian technology.
Torg
seizes them and Voldar orders him to crush them -- but the robot
only obeys Kimar. Kimar sends the kids back to the ship, under armed
guard. The rest, including Torg, press on to Santa’s workshop.
Voldar is still bitching when they reach it. Kimar orders Torg to
retrieve Santa.
The
robot busts his way inside and starts throwing elves around. Santa
is intrigued by the robot, and thinks it’s one of Winky’s new
space toys. Torg inexplicably shuts down as Santa examines him. Yes,
the power of Santa has rendered him harmless.
Undaunted,
the other Martians bust their way in. Kimar tells Santa he’s
needed on Mars. The elves try to defend the boss but the Martians
turn their Wham-O Air Blaster Freeze Guns on them. Kimar assures
Santa that the effects will wear off, eventually. Mrs. Claus comes
in and gets blasted too. Santa knows the old battle-axe will be
plenty pissed when she wakes up but Kimar says not to worry, you
won’t be here.
News
reports flash across the globe: Martians kidnap Santa Claus. The
United Nations burn the midnight oil to get Santa back. NASA pushes
up the launch of the Starshot Rocket to go in hot pursuit of the
fleeing Martian craft. (Cue
stock footage.)
On
the Martian ship, Santa is already having a strange effect on his
captors. With an odd combination of Christmas Carols and lame jokes,
Santa seeds the beginning of the end of Martian life as we knew it.
Meanwhile, Voldar fumes and schemes against Santa and the kids.
In
the brig, Santa tries to cheer the kids up. They feel guilty for
leading the Martians to him. Santa says not to worry, he’s always
wanted to visit Mars. Dropo brings them dinner. A three-course meal,
condensed and concentrated into several small pills. So far, the
general consensus of the Earth kids is that Mars sucks.
On
the bridge, readouts indicate that another rocket is tracking them.
Voldar discovers that Billy took a hammer to the Radar Jammer and
promises not to underestimate the Earthlings again. Kimar orders
them to fix it, takes the wheel and loses the trailing rocket.
Voldar
pays a visit to the prisoners and wants to give them a tour of the
ship --
especially the airlock. Billy
and Betty don’t trust him but Santa thinks everyone deserves a
chance. Voldar takes them to the airlock and while Billy explains to
Betty and Santa what an airlock is, Voldar sneaks off and seals the
door. The kids panic but Santa tells them not to worry.
Outside,
Voldar throws the switch and the airlock opens up sucking whatever
was inside, out into space. Kimar catches him but is too late. They
brawl around until they hear a familiar laugh. Santa, Billy and
Betty round a corner, safe and sound. Santa tells Kimar he’s sure
it was an accident. Voldar can’t believe they escaped. The only
way out was a tiny air duct. (Behold
the power of Santa!)
Voldar
is thrown in the brig so the rest of the trip is relatively
uneventful. After they land, though, they find Dropo tied up in the
brig. Voldar has escaped and Kimar knows he’ll be back to cause
trouble, so he sets a 24-hour guard on Santa and the children. But
that’s a worry for later, for now, the children of Mars are
waiting.
Kimar
returns home and head-butts his wife. (I
think this is a standard Martian greeting.) He
introduces the Earth children to her and she head-butts them. Then
Santa makes his grand entrance. He apologizes for his behavior.
He’s not used to coming in through the door because the Martian
houses have no chimneys. (Ho-ho-ho.
He’s got a million of them and unfortunately, we get to hear every
stinking one of them.)
The
Earth troupe is then marched in to meet the Martian kids and it
isn’t long before Santa has the stoic Martian children cackling
like idiots. Kimar is pleased and takes Santa aside. He tells him of
the grand plan to build him a factory, to produce toys. Santa thinks
it’s a grand idea and will do all he can to get it up and running,
so he can return to Earth in time for Christmas. Kimar then informs
him that, no, he will remain on Mars -- forever.
Meanwhile,
Voldar and his two stooges, Stobo and Shim, hide out in the caves
and conspire to bring Santa down. Shim thinks it’s impossible
because Santa is too well guarded. Stobo has seen the new toyshop
and was mesmerized by the products. Voldar says there are other ways
to get at Santa and plans to discredit him -- and turn him into a
laughingstock -- by sabotaging the factory.
At
the factory, Santa grows bored with pushing buttons. All he has to
do is hit the right switch and the Martian machines will regurgitate
the desired toy, onto a conveyor belt. Billy, Bomar, Dropo and
Girmar collect the toys while Betty reads Santa the wish lists. They
decide to call it a day, so Santa shuts the equipment down. As they
head out, he picks up a spare Santa suit that Momar made for him.
Dropo asks if he can try it on. Santa tells him he’ll have to put
on a little weight first.
They
return to Kimar’s for the night. Santa complains about his finger
being tired and goes to bed. The Martian kids ask if they can watch
some Earth TV before they go to bed. Kimar says for awhile but then
notices Billy and Betty are down and just want to go to bed.
He asks if they’ve been mistreated but the Earth kids say, no,
they’ve been treated real swell. Kimar doesn’t understand it but
Momar does, the kids are homesick, and she begs Kimar to take them
home. Kimar says that’s impossible.
As
they argue, Dropo steals the spare Santa suit and starts Bogarting
food pills, trying to gain weight. He tries the suit on and uses a
pillow to fill it out. He also finds a spare Santa beard lying
around (???)
to
complete the ensemble. He then declares he’s not tired and will
return to the factory and make more toys.
At
the toy factory, Voldar and his gang have already broken in and
thrown a monkey wrench into the mechanisms. They hear someone
approaching and hide. In the dark, they look past the green face and
antennae and mistake Dropo for Santa. (At
this juncture I don’t think I need to point out that all Martians
are morons, so this stretch of plot isn’t that big of stretch if
you think about it.) They
haul Dropo back to their hideout and turn on a nuclear curtain,
blocking the entrance. Voldar exclaims that now Mars will return to
normal.
The
next morning, Momar can’t find Dropo and Santa can’t find his
extra suit. They quickly put two and two together and realize when
they find one - they’ll find the other. Santa correctly assumes
Dropo went back to the toy factory, so he and the children go to
look for him. But Dropo isn’t there. Santa says not to worry and
he’ll show up eventually.
He
cranks the machines up and they start spitting out mutant toys. (Charlie
in the Boxes, trains with square wheels, cowboys riding ostriches
etc.) Santa
tells Bomar to call his father. Bomar tunes his father in with his
antennae. Kimar arrives and they find the switched circuits and
figure only Voldar could be behind this. Santa thinks the situation
is worse and believes Voldar’s got Dropo, mistaking him for the
real thing.
Kimar
promises to find Dropo, leaves but runs right into Voldar. Voldar
claims he has Santa, demands that the factory shut down so things
return to the way they were. Kimar asks if he’s sure and opens the
factory door, revealing the real Santa inside. Kimar draws his
freeze gun and herds the bad guys into a storage closet and calls
the police, over his internal radio, to come and pick them up.
Back
at the cave, Dropo somehow manages to engineer his escape without
disintegrating himself in the nuclear curtain.
Voldar
and Stobo manage to overpower Kimar, knock him out and take his
Wham-O Air Blaster Freeze Gun. Voldar cranks up the setting and
tells Stobo he’s tired of playing around and will remove Santa -
permanently. Luckily, Billy overhears him and tells Santa. Santa
decides it’s time to teach Voldar a lesson, so the kids set up an
ambush.
Voldar
breaks in and the kids spring their trap, pummelling him with toys.
What follows is an embarrassingly long assault, and toy commercial,
as Voldar is splattered into submission. Kimar wakes up and Dropo
returns, just in time, to witness the carnage. The Martian police
finally arrive and drag Voldar off to jail.
Santa
then tells Kimar that Mars doesn’t need him anymore, they have
their own Santa and points to Dropo. Kimar happily agrees and they
all share a laugh. The Martians say goodbye to the Earthlings as
they board the Tinker Toy and rocket back to Earth.
And
thus began the reign of Dropo, the First Martian Claus, and he
ruled all the lands with a benevolent - if not spastic - hand. And
there was much rejoicing.
The
end
Though
not quite the holiday staple on the level of It’s
A Wonderful Life,
or A
Christmas Story, Santa
Claus Conquers the Martians has
carved it’s own little niche in Christmas lore.
Filmed
in New Jersey at converted airplane hangar, the film was produced
for an amazing $200,000. I say amazing as I rewind and rewatch the
film in my head and wonder what the heck they spent the money on --
because none of it shows on the screen.
It
couldn’t be the cardboard sets. The Martians costumes (or
custumes as the credits say) consist
of ill-fitting green tights, that show off bulges in all the wrong
spots, and are completed with spare kitchen utensils glued to the
head. We’ve already talked about Torg’s shortcomings and the
less said about the Polar Bear suit, worn deftly by Greg Lindsey,
the better.
And
for those of you who think product placement is a recent thing, I
say, think again. The Louis Marx toy company got a big screen credit
and during the closing fight there a several, lingering shots on
some of their wonderful toys. (Man
I miss my old Marx Battleground and Comanche Pass playsets.) Not
to mention a long commercial for the Slinky as one Martian marvels
over it.
The
Martian's main weapons are the deadly Wham-O Air Blaster Freeze
Guns. They are simply Wham-O Air Blaster guns
painted black. The notorious Air Blaster, that came out about 1962,
were a big hit and relatively harmless. You cocked the gun, pulled
the trigger and the trapped air would pop out the barrel. Then kids
started stuffing the barrels full of things (nails, glass,
molten lava) and shot them out under compressed air, maiming
and killing thousands (or so Consumer Product Safety groups
would have you believe. Friggin Toy Nazis.)
The
film is best known as the first appearance of Pia Zadora, as the
young Martian girl, but we can put another false assumption to rest.
The Martian playing Stobo is not Jamie Farr, as some would have you
think. It was Al Nesor, who also played a character in the Lil’
Abner musical -
who everyone also mistakes as being Farr.
Milton
Delugg produced the infectious song and wild soundtrack. Delugg
served as bandleader for The Tonight
Show when Jack Paar was the host. He
was replaced by Doc Severnson after Carson took over. Delugg went on
to be the bandleader for Chuck Barris’ notorious Gong
Show.
Of
course Santa is the centerpiece of the show, and Call takes the role
and runs with it. He makes a pretty good Santa, despite what the
script calls on him to do. However there are plenty of scenes where
his laughing and cackling come off as sinister and menacing, when
they’re supposed to be jolly. (It
appears Santa has been hitting the Christmas punch.) And
there’s the disturbing scene when he’s complaining about his
tired finger and points it around and shows it to everyone -- like
some rogue proctologist.
Okay,
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
is by no means a great film, but it is
nowhere near as bad as its reputation. It got branded in the
Medved’s Golden Turkey book as one of the worst films off all time
but I’m sure we’ve all seen worse. (I
have a few thoughts on the Medved’s book and their picks but that
will have to wait for another day.) I
think its heart is in the right place. And let's give the film some
credit because it uses that to it's advantage, raising itself a few
notches above the worst films off all time.
-
- - -
UPDATED
INFO!
My
name is Tony Termini. Son of Anthony A. Termini who was the film
editor of Santa
Claus Conquers the Martians.
The
reason for my email is to let you know that the movie was not shot
in New Jersey as stated but was shot on Long Island in 3 old WWII
airplane hangars located off Old Country Road in Garden
City/Westbury, New York. I was there.
Take
care.
Tony
-
- - -
Thanks
for the info, Tony. We strive to get things right around here as
best we can. Any other recollections from the set that you might be
willing to share?
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