Gentle reader, our last review of Octaman really took its toll on our reviewer. In the aftermath, he wouldn't even speak to us for almost a week until we finally approached him and asked what it would take to snap him out of his funk.

His answer was terrifyingly simple, or simply terrifying:

"Ro-Man."

God help us all.

Ah, Robot Monster, Phil Tucker's magnum opus. Hee-hee-hee. I get giddy just thinking about it. And now I'm going to give it to you in all it's moronic glory:

We begin in true stereo three dimension -- or so they tell us, but on the tube it comes off a little flat -- as the films credits roll over some forgotten sci-fi pulps of yore, and you may already be noticing that the films score is sounding a little too good to be in a film like this.

It's pretty common knowledge that Elmer Bernstein composed the music for this film. That's right: Elmer Bernstein. You can hear the talent that would eventually produce the themes for The Great Escape, Animal House, and my personal favorite, The Magnificent Seven. If you think about it, though, underrated musical scores are not that uncommon in these old sci-fi potboilers. Max Steiner and Albert Glasser's Sousaesque scores immediately comes to mind. Back to the review!

Our film proper begins with Johnny (Gregory Moffet), decked out in his best Tom Corbett space gear, scouring the countryside for invading aliens to disintegrate with his atomic bubble gun. The only target he can find is his little sister, Carla (Pamela Paulson -- who bears an uncanny resemblance to Tina Youthers), and after he disintegrates her with extreme prejudice, they continue to play and stumble upon a cave where two archeologists are trying to excavate a primitive painting off the wall. Demanding to know what they're up to before he blasts them (he's so darn cute), Roy (George Nader) quickly surrenders but the Professor (John Mylong and his many accents) lectures Johnny on the wonders of peaceful coexistence. Unable to decipher his accent, Johnny quickly agrees to end all hostilities and holsters his atomic bubble gun.

The kids get a quick history lesson, and Johnny is so impressed that he no longer wants to be a space ranger but a scientist with a phony European accent. Martha (Selena Royale), their mother, and older sister Alice (Claudia Barret) show up looking for them. Making pleasantries, Johnny quickly tries to ingratiate Roy and Alice. It's lunchtime, so the family leaves the archeologists to their work. Choosing what appears to be Hell's Half Acre for their picnic spot, Mom reminds the kids that they promised to take a nap right after lunch. Then Johnny, very bluntly, asks when he's going to get another dad, and quickly narrows mom's playing field down to anyone who's a scientist with a phony European accent. Lunch ends, and each family member pulls up a rock and goes to sleep. Johnny wakes up, and armed with his atomic bubble gun, returns to the cave but finds it deserted. Suddenly, the screen flashes to negative a few times, causing Johnny to fall and he gets a nasty face-burger while planting his head into the ground.

Our film quickly dissolves into sheer insanity (Wohoo!) as more lights flash and earthquakes rock the world. While two claymation triceratops try to hump one another, a familiar dimetradon (played by an alligator with an attached dorsal fin) battles a tyrannosaurus rex (a monitor lizard) to the death.

Waking up with a new pair of pants and shirt, Johnny holsters his atomic-gun and takes up a can of paint. We also notice that the cave is now filled with some *snicker* hi-tech equipment: On one side there is a communication device deviously camouflaged as a cardboard box, and on the other side on a table a surplus World War II radio belches out a ton of bubbles. Quite the surreal scene. Brush in hand, Johnny moves to paint but there is another energy discharge, closer this time, so he heads for cover. Then, from out of the depths of the cave, one of the greatest screen menaces of all time emerges: Agent XJ-2 -- known to his enemies as Ro-Man the Robot Monster -- the ultimate ultimate instrument of destruction from the Planet Ro-Man.

Ro-Man (George Barrows and voiced by John Brown) waddles over to the communicator and puts a call through to his boss the Great Guidance (also Barrows). They talk in a bizarre, minimalist techno-babble and Guidance scolds him for reporting in late. Ro-Man blames Earth's gravity and the conversation continues. Guidance says there are no other forms of life in the universe, so the Earth is their only rival for galactic supremacy. At first, through subterfuge, Ro-Man managed to get the world to basically nuke itself to death, and after the atomic fallout settled, he then revealed himself to mop up what was left, and by then, it was too late to stop him. Also reporting that the Earth is completely free of the human plague, since he killed them all off with his trusty Calcinator Death-Ray, his boss points out an error in his calculations, saying there are eight hu-mans still running loose. His boss is not amused with this miscalculation, but Ro-Man guarantees that he can complete the mission. After hanging up, Ro-Man adjusts his *snicker* sensors and then heads to the back of his cave.

Watching it all, Johnny hightails it home. Home being the basement of a bombed out house encircled by a series of electrical wires. Remember, our reality has shifted a bit. Family wise, things are relatively the same except now the Professor really is his dad and both parents read him the riot act for wandering outside the electrical jamming barrier of the house. That's what the wires are for, and if they go outside the perimeter, Ro-Man can detect them. 

Damn. That's some bubble machine.

Johnny warns that Ro-Man is just a stones throw away in a nearby cave. Dad can't believe this horrible coincidence. (Neither can I.) We also find out that the Professor was a great scientist who created a super immunity serum that he field-tested on his entire family. Wow. But dad isn't the only genius in the family because the electric screen was Alice’s creation. 

The genius gene pool seems to have dried up for Johnny and Carla, though. Not exactly the brightest bulbs in the world. A lot of asides in this review...

Pondering their options, they can only come up with the one conclusion: They're doomed unless they can find Ro-Man's weak spot. (Alice brings that point up and a red light goes off on our foreshadow-meter.) Dad thinks there has to be others who managed to escape Ro-Man's detection who can help, and Alice reminds him there's still an entire garrison of troops on the orbiting Space Platform. The only problem is, they can't communicate with them for fear of discovery. When their communicator kicks on, they hope it's the Platform, but to their horror, Ro-Man materializes on the vid-screen. 

Ro-Man computes there are only five hu-mans there, not eight, and assumes the Guidance made an error. Informing them that they're the only hu-mans left, and if they surrender, he promises them a quick and painless death. He then cues up some footage of those who chose not to go quietly. Alice doesn't take the news very well because it means Roy is dead. Sure, they squabbled a lot, but deep down, she really cared for him. Seeing enough the Professor tells Ro-Man to go and gent bent because they will never capitulate. Enraged, Ro-Man now promises them all a horribly painful death, and punctuates this by hanging up without paying for the charges. Out of hope, Martha thinks maybe they should reconsider his offer, but the Professor defiantly states: "If Ro-Man wants us. He can calculate us." (Whatever the heck THAT means.)

Back in the basement, the Professor and Alice hear someone approaching. Fearing it's Ro-Man, but to their relief, it's only Roy and Alice is so happy that he's still alive they spend the next five minutes sniping at each other. Roy brings more good news: Jason and McCloud are still alive, too. 

Who are they? Believe me, it won't matter in about five minutes...

Figuring out that it was the Professor's super-serum that immunized them from Ro-Man's Death-Ray, they also managed to scrounge up enough fuel to launch a rocket to the Space Platform loaded with enough serum to immunize the entire garrison, and then they'll all kick a little Ro-Man ass. Alice asks if they contacted the Space Platform to let them know they're coming. Roy says no because Ro-Man would've detected their signals. Worrying that the Platform might think it's Ro-Man attacking in the rocket and destroy it, Alice is sure they can rewire their communicator so Ro-Man can’t detect it -- if Roy will take orders for a change and help. They snipe a little more and get to work. Next comes a long -- albeit hilarious scene of two pairs of hands working on some machinery. All the while, Alice and Roy continue to bicker, wasting two whole days, and accomplish absolutely nothing. Well, at least they tried.

I think my favorite is when Roy claims that Alice is "so bossy she has to be milked when she comes home." These scenes are so chock full of innuendo, Freud would have a field day with this crap. When is a soldering tool not a soldering tool? Back to the review, hu-mans.

Ro-Man calls again, and now he’s even more confused because there are six hu-mans instead of five when there should be eight -- and to think, this guy conquered the world. Depressing isn't it? Alice blurts out that he still doesn't know about Jason and McCloud -- I think he does now, toots. But Ro-Man gloats that he detected the rocket launch and shows them the play by play as Guidance blows the rocket -- played deftly by a V2 rocket out of the sky.  He then shows them the Space Platform -- played not so deftly by a plastic model with a sparkler shoved up it's butt swinging in an erratic circle. That gets blown up, too, but luckily, the very visible hand holding it is left unharmed. Saying they have hope and surrender is the only solution, Ro-Man gives them one hour to decide.

Okey-dokey then, you're probably shouting "Now wait a second!" at the top of your lungs by now. Ro-Man had only ONE Earth day to complete the mission. Then the hu-mans  spent TWO days working on the communicator. THE HELL? Well, I guess if the Ro-Men can’t count can we really expect them to be able tell time? Back to the review, foolish hu-mans!

Devastated by this turn of events, the family weighs their options. Martha thinks they should try and appeal to Ro-Man for mercy. The Professor agrees and thinks they should try and reason with him. To do this, though, they'll need to rewire the communicator. 

Oh god, not again!

Demanding that they state their business because he's busy, the Professors announces that they will never give up and humanity will survive (and I’m proud to be counted among the cockroaches of the galaxy.) Asking what exactly do the Ro-Men have to fear from humans, to this we get the standard reply that we're too self-destructive and can’t handle tampering in god’s domain blah blah blah etc. etc. Stymied, the Professor appeals to his hu-manity and introduces the family, but Ro-Man isn't all that interested until the defiant Alice takes her turn in front of the vid-screen, demanding peace with honor. They try to move on to Roy, but Ro-Man demands to see Alice again. 

And those of who can see where this is obviously going, please raise your hands. Everybody? Good.

Ro-Man appears to be getting some biological urges that he can’t quite compute, and it's starting to cloud his Ro-Man logic: This program has performed an illegal action and will shut down...He cannot calculate it, or verify why, but is willing to allow what the hu-mans call "a hope." Willing to face the wrath of the Great Guidance, Ro-Man will consider integrating them into "the plan" if Alice will have a palaver with him -- alone. She agrees to meet him at the fork in the river, but Roy and the Professor will have none of it. Even though Alice logically pleads it’s their only hope, they physically restrain her from leaving. While they tie her up, Johnny manages to sneak away during the mayhem to replace Alice at the negotiations.

We then get some of the funniest transition scenes as Ro-Man walks endlessly up and down the same hill. And if you listen close you can almost hear the director yelling at him to keep moving until he moves out of the frame...

Waiting for Alice, Ro-Man is perturbed when Johnny shows up instead, and when the kid mouths off, he bluntly states: "Now I will kill you." (Yay.) He tries to fry him with the Calcinator Death Ray, but Johnny is unaffected. (Boo.) But Ro-Man tricks Johnny into revealing the source of his immunity, and then gloats that it will be easy to adjust the C-Ray and kill them all -- and I don’t think it involves counting, so the Earth is doomed. 

Way to go kid.

While Johnny runs crying home to mama, Ro-Man goes back up the hill. Alice and Roy continue their search, but quickly hide when they hear Ro-Man approaching. They manage to escape his detection amongst the thickets. As Alice rises to continue the search for her idiot brother, Roy grabs her and pulls her back down for the obligatory romantic interlude. Ro-Man goes down the hill. While the haunting melody of the love theme from Robot Monster plays, Roy professes his love to Alice -- and It would even be a more touching scene if Roy wasn't so noticeably bleeding from his ear. Ro-Man goes up the hill. Returning to the bunker, Johnny fesses up to his colossal blunder. The Professor consoles him, saying it won't be that easy for Ro-Man to counteract the serum. Still, he must be punished, and for dooming humanity, Johnny is sent to bed without supper. Ro-Man goes down the hill. Back in the thicket, the two lovers embrace, then kiss, and then go for a roll in the weeds.

Then in a long tracking shot, we watch Ro-Man speed-waddle the last one-to-two-hundred yards back to his cave -- and this scene is really funny if you yell "potty-emergency!" at the top of your longs as he hustles along. Cranking up the communicator, he calls his boss and excitedly tells him why the C-Ray didn’t work. Guidance gives him a big "Yeah, so?" and warns that his day is half-up and to get on with it -- or else. Deciding to use physical tactics, Ro-Man forgoes the recalibration of the C-Ray and shambles off towards that hill again.

Can you strangle the kid first?

Roy and Alice return to the bunker and ask the Professor to marry them. Thinking that’s a splendid idea, the Professor warbles the wedding march and acts as preacher. Johnny stands up as best man and Carla -- oh yeah, Carla -- serves as the maid of honor. In the middle of the service the Professor asks the almighty to intercede on their behalf. (Just say "Man and wife!") When the ceremony ends, Roy kisses the bride and then they leave for their honeymoon. After they leave the compound, Carla realizes that Alice didn’t have any flowers for her wedding and sneaks off to find some.

Carla manages to catch up with the newlyweds and gives Alice a nice bouquet. Thanking her, they send her back home, but on the way back, she runs right into Ro-Man. Carla claims that her daddy won’t let him hurt her. He replies that "We shall see" and grabs her in a bear hug...We quickly cut to Ro-Man calling his boss again, and he brags about strangling the little girl and reports he only has four more left to kill. The Guidance -- who is really getting upset with his mathematically incompetent henchman -- points out his error. Again. There are five hu-mans left to be killed. Not four. But Ro-Man postulates that maybe they can keep one of the hu-mans alive to study -- e'yup, Ro-Man has fallen for Alice hard. Accusing him of heresy for trying to alter "the plan" Guidance orders Ro-Man to kill them all or face the consequences. 

His internal conflict/resolution circuits are taxed to the limits as Ro-Man sets out to do his masters bidding. He manages to catch Roy and Alice out in the open, and after a brief struggle, he dispatches Roy and carries Alice off. To her credit, Alice pitched in during the fight -- and sharp ears can hear her verbally unsure and unscipted "Oh-God!" as Ro-man picks her up and carries her off. Meanwhile, the Professor and Martha find Carla's discarded body. That is the last straw for Martha. As she breaks down sobbing, the Professor tries to console her and encourages Martha not to give up. He picks up Carla’s body and they head back to the bunker.

Not giving up either, Alice manages to trick Ro-Man into revealing his external power source while he carries her back to the cave -- and this vital revelation has absolutely no consequence on the film whatsoever. Back at the bunker, the family puts the finishing touches on Carla’s grave. The memorial is interrupted when Roy stumbles into the clearing, announces that Ro-Man has captured Alice, and then expires. Rallying the troops, Johnny comes up with a plan to rescue Alice: They'll call Ro-Man and pretend to surrender. Johnny will use himself as bait to lure Ro-Man out of the cave so Mom and Dad can rush in save his sister.

Oh yeah, this is gonna end in tears.

Meanwhile, Ro-Man has managed to haul Alice all the way to his cave without having a stroke. Upon arrival, he professes his love for her rather haphazardly. Asking "Suppose I were a hu-man, would you love me like a man?" She resists, so he starts pawing at her, ripping her top and exposing her shoulders. He tries to take it further but his communicator starts ringing. Snatching some rope, he begins to tie Alice up. He quickly gives up, though, and just knocks her unconscious. Kicking the communicator on, the Professor appears and states that Ro-Man has won, they surrender, and if he wants them, to come and get them. Ro-Man says he’s busy and to call back later then hangs up. He turns his lustful attention back to Alice -- who for some inexplicable reason has tied herself up.

From now on, whenever any intergalactic invader, giant monkey, or any other kind of monster, inexplicably falls in love with an Earth hu-man in a movie reviewed on this site, it will be referred to as another sad case of Ro-Man's Syndrome.^TM Back to the review hu-man!

Leaving his Mom and Dad behind, Johnny heads off to meet his fate. He presents himself to the malfunctioning Ro-Man and Guidance orders that he kill the girl first, and then the boy. Ro-Man asks Alice to forgive him for what he must do and shuffles off toward Johnny. Seizing the moment, Mom rushes in and frees Alice while Dad breaks the infernal bubble machine. The Guidance watches in disgust as his minion disobeys his orders for the last time. While Ro-Man throttles Johnny to death, his boss chastises that "if you want to live like a hu-man. You can die like a hu-man!" and turns the Calcinator Death-Ray on him. The Ro-Man crumples and dies right next to Johnny. 

We then slowly realize that not one, but TWO, kids under the age of ten bite the big one in this film.

Fed up, the Great Guidance goes on a rampage...The world is rocked by more earthquakes, and while two claymation triceratops try to hump one another, a dimetradon and a tyrannosaurus rex battle to the death and -- Omigod...I think the movie’s starting over! Guidance rains death and destruction until we here someone calling Johnny’s name...The screen dissolves and we're suddenly back in the original reality. Roy calls out that he's found the boy, who has a nice bump on his noggin from the fall he took. Carrying him back to the cave where the others anxiously wait, Johnny is happy to see that they're all still alive. Relieved, Martha invites the archeologists to come and have dinner with them. They agree and the cave is abandoned.

Luckily, it was all a dream -- and you were there. And you. And you, too.

The soundtrack turns ominous and -- Oh, no! -- The Great Guidance stalks out of the cave. THREE FRIGGIN' TIMES!

Goodnight folks, I surrender.

A legend amongst the B-movie brethren, Robot Monster definitely needs to dethrone Plan Nine from Outer Space as the quintessential B-movie. In fact, this is one of my favorite films of all time engraved into the bedrock of my top ten somewhere between Battleground and Singing in the Rain. Where as Plan Nine grinds to a halt in spots, there are no dull moments here as Robot Monster brings the cheese, non-stop, from start to finish.

Tucker couldn’t afford a real robot costume so he hired George Barrows and his gorilla suit. (He played every other gorilla that Bob Burns didn’t play.) Despite this, and all the other budgetary limitations, Tucker produced himself a wonderfully gonzo sci-fi epic. This film deserves its cult status, and is no where near as bad as its reputation. Honest. It is bad, but it’s bad in all the right ways. Unlike, say,  Octaman or Pigs that give B-movies the bad rep they don't deserve.

Seek this movie. Find this movie. Watch this movie. And you will love this movie, too. Trust me.

Posted: 12/02/00. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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