We begin our film seriously scratching our heads - because something seems awfully familiar. Unfortunately, it isn’t the only acute case of déjà vu we’ll be suffering while watching this film.

In the far-flung future of 1984, three astronauts anxiously wait outside their commanders office. They’ve got a new assignment and they’re hoping it’s the prized expedition to go and study Mars.

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Then you realize what’s so familiar. They’re wearing the exact same space uniforms and hats from Forbidden Planet. Hang on, it gets better.

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They’re finally called in; but are disappointed to find out it’s only a "milk run." They have to shuttle the famous Professor Konrad (the always likeable Paul Birch) to his most famous creation, Space Station A, orbiting 20,000 miles above the Earth.

Captain Patterson (the even more likable Eric Fleming) can’t help but show his disappointment. The commander chastises him, and his crew, saying every mission is important -- and this one has the utmost urgency. There’s some kind of trouble brewing but there’s no time for details, because they have to launch immediately. Konrad will fill in the details along the way.

While preparing for blast off, Cruze (Dave Willock), the ship's radio man, belly aches about the assignment, not realizing Konrad is already on board. Konrad tells him it’s "a mission of grave importance" then proceeds to try and light a cigarette. Patterson quickly stops him, saying, the slightest spark could ignite the liquid oxygen tanks. Konrad apologizes for his foolishness. (The GREAT Professor Kondrad. Uh-huh.)

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At this point you will be scratching your head, again, saying the interior of that ship looks just like the one in World Without End.

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The fourth member of the expedition is still down on the tarmac, saying goodbye to his girl. Turner (Patrick Waltz) gives her the rigmarole about how he might never come back to the dashing blonde (Joi Lansing) and then tries to vacuum her face off. (I can’t quite call it a kiss.) Patterson watches, with disgust, out the porthole then orders Turner to get his keester on board over the P.A. Turner leaves and she blows him a kiss.

Inside the cockpit, they strap themselves into their barco loungers and start the countdown. We then cut to some NASA stock footage of an Atlas rocket launch, and the expedition is underway. (And as far as stock footage rocket launches go, this one is very impressive.) Inside, the astronauts have either grown extremely constipated, or are not adjusting very well to the G-forces. 

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Waitasecond! You say. That IS the interior of the ship from World Without End! By this time, your head’s bleeding, and your fingers are bloody stumps, as you say "that ship doesn’t look like the rocket that launched. In fact, it looks just like the rocket from Flight to Mars."

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The ship reaches orbit, so they plot a course for the station. Konrad then begins to elaborate on his top-secret mission. It seems we’re not alone. There are "deadly neighbors" in outer space and the Earth is in peril.

Almost on cue, Turner raises the alarm as his sensors indicate something is shooting at the space station. They all look at the screen, in horror, as each shot comes closer to the defenseless orbiter. The ray finally strikes home and it explodes. The deadly ray then turns on the ship!

They all strap back in for evasive maneuvers but are caught in the beam. Luckily, it’s only a tractor beam. It seizes the ship and begins to tow it, at great speed, towards its unknown destination. The men can’t take the pressure and pass out. After a while, things settle down but they drift on.

The ship is then seized by a planetoid’s gravity (and borrows yet another scene from World Without End) and crashes into some snowy mountains. The crew comes around and makes a few startling discoveries. First, the radio is destroyed. Second, they don’t need any pressure suits because, wherever they are, it has the same Oxygen and gravity as Earth. (If they find a half-buried Statue of Liberty I’m stopping this review right now!) Konrad has a hunch where they are but wants to explore a little, first, before he can be sure.

They make their way down and find themselves in a strange world of plastic alien vegetation. After studying one plant, Konrad concludes they’re on the planet Venus. (What exactly is he a professor of?) The rest of the crew thinks that’s impossible. (So do I.) They are disturbed by the lack of sound on the planet until an annoyingly loud energy discharge roars overhead.

Konrad takes that as a good sign, meaning there must be some kind of intelligent life on Venus. (Waitasecond. Intelligent life? On Venus? Oh-no. Watch out for Beulah!) Turner worries about deadly little green men, like he read in the comics. They make camp and bed down for the night.

Later, Cruze dozes off during his watch - allowing them to be surrounded by a pack of good looking legs in mini-skirts. He wakes up, surrounded by a gang of ray-gun toting women. He thinks he’s hallucinating at first but then goes for his gun. The gun is blasted out of his hand and disintegrates. The commotion wakes everyone else up but they're quickly captured and hauled off.

To the crew’s surprise, the alien women savvy English. They’re marched into a great matte-painted city. Inside a great hall, one woman attacks them -- screaming hateful epitaphs. Patterson wonders what that was all about? Turner thinks she just hates men. Then Konrad brings up a good point, where are all the men?

They’re herded into a main chamber, in front of a tribunal. While they wait for the ruling party, the men and women exchange much oogle eyeing. Turner’s in heaven, on a planet with no other men. Patterson asks Konrad what he thinks. He thinks a civilization with no sex is no civilization at all. (Har! Har!)

Ylanna goes ballistic and accuses them of being spies, sent from Earth to prepare an invasion. Patterson swears they are on a peaceful mission. The Queen says that’s impossible. They’ve been monitoring the Earth for years (that's how they know English) and find them very belligerent, so they must be neutralized with extreme prejudice.

Meanwhile -- in the city science lab, Talleah (Zsa Zsa Gabor) stares blankly at some bubbling equipment. Her friend, Motiya (Lisa Davis), reports to her of the Earthmen’s capture. Talleah says she must talk to them and then resumes her staring. (Get used to that expression folks. It's all she's got.) 

In their holding cell, the men try to formulate an escape plan. Konrad feels some kind of monstrously evil vibe coming from Yllana and thinks she’s the one who destroyed the space station. Turner scoffs that women could never invent, let alone aim, such a device. (Har! Har!)

She then claims that she wants to help them. Some of the girls aren’t happy with the new society and want to bring the men back. Yllana has developed a new weapon and if she gets her way, "de Ert vil be destroyeded." (I mean the Earth will be destroyed.) The Queen has nothing but hatred in her heart and must be banished, for all their sakes.

Yllana wants to have a private meeting with Patterson. Konrad feels that must be her Achilles heel and tells Patterson to turn on the charm and schmooze the Queen into submission. Turner thinks he should go, feeling he has more sex appeal. (Lord? Please let him get eaten by a plant or something.) Patterson will try to do his best. (You’d better mister. De Ert is depending on your sex appeal.) He’s escorted out and Talleah goes into a jealous snit.

In the Queen’s private chamber, Patterson and Yllana play the game of who’s seducing whom. He gets the upper hand because even Queens can get lonely. He asks her to take her golden mask off but she shies away and turns cranky again. She turns on a view screen revealing her Beta Disintegrator that will be used to destroy de Ert. (Dammit, now she’s got me doing it.)

Back in the cell, the boys are sprung by Talleah and two of her friends. They have only two days before Yllana blows up de Ert. They formulate a plan to destroy the weapon with the help of Talleah’s rebels. Then follows a hilarious Scooby Dooesque chase scene, as they try and avoid the Queen’s guards. (I’m telling you, Stormtroopers are more observant than these gals.)

They make their way outside the city, and take refuge in a cave. They’re safe, for the moment, because the Queen’s sensors can’t detect them. They explore the caves and Turner is jumped by a giant spider. (Thank you, Lord.) Turner is saved (poop!) and the spider is crispered with a ray gun.

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Still yet another recycled prop from World Without End. And that same unfortunate-looking giant spider would be pressed into action, yet again, a few years later in another Edward Bernds sci-fi pot boiler, Valley of the Dragons.

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That night, they all pair up (except poor lonely Konrad.) While Turner and Cruze try to vacuum the faces off their girls, Patterson and Talleah make small talk. He asks why she came with them. She says there is no life without love, or children, and was kind of hoping that maybe the men and her friends could start civilization over some place else.

Meanwhile, Yllana is admiring her giant day-glow tinker toy set (sorry, her Beta Disintegrator.) She orders her engineers to hurry up with the preparations because her blood is up. She receives word of de Ert men’s capture and says to bring them to her quarters.

Not so fast, as Talleah turns her ray gun on Yllana -- the revolution has begun. They capture her and demand she suspend work on the Disintegrator; and to order all the men be brought back from the moon. The Queen can’t believe the disloyalty, so Talleah reads her the riot act about peace without contentment is no peace at all (blah blah we aren't getting any, blah blah etc. etc.)

Yllana throws a fit and jumps into bed. It’s all a ruse, though, as she secures a ray gun from underneath a pillow. She fires but misses. They gang up on her and tie her up. They try another ruse. Talleah dons one of Yllana’s dresses and takes her mask. Patterson swears she could be Yllana’s twin. (I think the accent is going to give you away there, Einstein.) They gag the Queen and toss her behind a screen.

Yllana’s really pissed off now. She takes them all to the Beta Disintegrator for front row seats of the destruction of de Ert. A giant screen shows a tranquil, unsuspecting world. The men watch, helplessly, as she fires the machine up. (You’d think they’d try to do something. They're gonna die anyway.)

Talleah’s women jump the guards and a brief, hilarious, melee ensues until they realize that Yllana has been fried inside her machine. (Rather gruesomely, I might add.) All hostilities cease.

Several days later, Talleah is installed as the new leader of Venus. The Venusian men are on their way back down and the Ertlings ship has been repaired, so they will be leaving shortly. While Cruze and Turner continue vacuuming, she asks Patterson why must they go. (Yeah, why go?) Sorry, honey, duty calls.

Everybody resumes face vacuuming.

Queen of Outer Space, along with a few other films, have been on my "Coming Soon" list, seemingly, forever (and now it can come off and another poor film can be listed up there to collect dust.) Why did it take so long? The answer is simple. To quote a young Steve Martin, back when he usually had an arrow stuck through his head, "Sorry, I forgot."

I decided to do it scientifically, consulted Enie, Meanie, Minie and Moe, but mom said Queen of Outer Space was the very best one. (But what does mom know? Fear not, some day we will get to the One-Armed Assassin and The Bamboo Saucer.)

What makes the film so dang funny is that it is SO politically incorrect. Made in 1958, the height of the "martini machismo" that gripped the country, this interstellar battle of the sexes is filled with so much innuendo, misogynistic ideals, and macho posturing it is absolutely hilarious. The film’s script has a couple of real howlers in the dialogue concerning man's sexual prowess and women’s lib. (Birch’s final line had me laughing the loudest.)

There has been some argument as to whether the humor was intentional or not. Charles Beaumont, who wrote the script, claims it was a spoof of space movies, while Bernds, the film’s director, says it was played straight as an out and out adventure.

Aside from the sexual snits, the film is typical sci-fi fair. Despite it’s recycled parts, the film still falls into a category I like to call "sanitized" science fiction. The alien world is awash in bright primary colors. Every brightly lit room and death-ray is immaculately clean. All the Amazon women are beautiful, wear mini-skirts and high heels. All technology is very aesthetically pleasing but not very practical or grounded in scientific feasibility.

The cast is fine. I always liked Fleming in Rawhide and he’s fine as the square jawed hero. He also treats his leading lady with kid gloves. Her inexperience shows badly. Zsa Zsa was hired for her looks and nothing else (and she does look smashing in that dress slit up to her nether regions) because she couldn’t act her way out of a wet paper bag. When not choking on her accent, trying to get her lines out, she just stares around, blankly, then tenses up before delivering her next line. (Luckily the script doesn’t call on her to do a whole lot except swoon over Fleming.)

The only real bad part of the film is that everything in it is recycled and it shows badly. The sets (which seem constantly on the verge of falling over), the props, the costumes and even the script borrows heavily from everyone’s earlier work. World Without End gets the hatchet the worst. (It’s a pretty good film itself and is one of the first "omigod we’re still on Earth" scenarios.)

I really don’t care for political correctness. Just because I laugh at a sexist joke, does that make me male chauvinist pig? (I hope not.) But I also believe that everyone should be treated the same. We have a long, long way to go before everyone feels the way I do; but if you use this film as a measuring stick, you can't deny that we have come a far piece already.