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Well,
we know we’re in trouble already because the opening credits have
been hacked off. So we start on this disjointed keel and it doesn't
get any better, which means we’ll have to really struggle for our
balance for the next hour and a half to keep from tipping over.
-
- - -
An
older neighbor lady complains about her noisy neighbors. We listen
in, too, and realize that the noise she’s complaining about is a
degenerate father raping his daughter. She pleads for him to stop
and then dad screams. We see through the curtains that the daughter
is hacking daddy to pieces.
They
spin the camera around, some sirens wail and it stops on the 80-
stories tall Electric Shock Therapy Building. (Wow,
that’s a lot of nervous people.) Lynn
(Toni Lawrence),
the daughter, has been committed here. In a deep state of denial,
she keeps asking the doctors if she can see her daddy.
She’s
put back in her cell and we hear her singing her siren song, a
twisted lullaby that will be stuck in your head permanently unless
you do something drastic. (More
on this later.) But
she really isn’t singing it, it’s all in her head.
The
floor nurse and the doctor meet for their nightly game of Operation (if
you know what I mean.) Lynn sneaks out of her rubber room (you’d
think they’d lock the door),
steals the
nurses discarded smock, purse and car keys.
Next
we’re on the open road. A septic '70s power ballad comes on as
Lynn and her stolen VW Bug wind there way to nowhere (while
I start going into some kind of Strangelovian fit, using one arm to
prevent the other from using the remote to stop the tape.)
Meanwhile,
at nowhere, Zambrini (Marc
Lawrence) drags
an unearthed corpse in to his barn. In a nearby pigsty, the titular
pigs squeal with delight. (Hey,
those pigs aren’t very big. Again, more on this later.) We’re
in Norman Bates territory here. (What,
did the unearthed corpse give it away?) He
mumbles and exposition the plot. Something about the pigs getting
out, them dining on a drunken bum and now all they’ll eat is human
flesh. (Now we’re getting
somewhere, he says hopefully.) We
notice a discarded pile of clothes and realize Zambrini’s done
this before. He starts dismembering the body and heaves the parts to
the waiting hogs.
Lynn
pulls up to Zambrini’s café, where the blue light special is pork
chops. (Ewwwww.)
She
spots a help wanted sign in the window. Lynn hears the pigs making
an unholy ruckus around behind and investigates. Before she can find
the source of the noise, Zambrini heads her off. He gives her the
once over, in a maddening sequence of dialogue that will have you
pulling you’re hair out.
She
asks about the job and a place to stay. Zambrini gives her the job,
complete with a room in the back that she can use but warns her to
stay away from the pigs. While Lynn explores her new digs, the
twisted lullaby cranks up in her cerebral random play jukebox. (I
point out that the record has a skip in it and plays the same
30-second snippet over and over.) She
hears the pigs again and finds an old straight razor in the
bathroom.
We
move to Zambrini’s neighbor, Ms. Macy (Katherine
Ross).
(No,
it's not her and yep, more on this later too. Man this film has a
lot of explaining to do.) She’s
called the Sheriff, Dan Cole (Jesse
Vint),
over to complain about Zambrini and his
pigs. She’s been spying on him and is convinced he’s killing
people and feeding them to his unholy pigs. She’s also convinced
that the hogs have turned into dead people (or
something.)
Cole
says, and I quote, "There’s no law against turning dead
people into pigs" and "dead people have no civil
rights" but promises to pay a visit to Zambrini who, at this
very moment, is hacking Lynn to pieces with the straight razor. Lynn
wakes up in her bed, screaming - and the screams are mixed in with
the pig’s squeals (and
I noticed that I was screaming too.)
It
was all a dream. She gets dressed and goes exploring, following the
sounds of the pigs. (She appears to be drawn to the pigs.) But
Zambrini heads her off again. He sends her back but not until after
this scintillating dialogue:
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"What
did you see?"
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"I want to see."
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"There’s
nothing back here."
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"What?"
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"What
did you see?"
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"Where?"
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"What
did you see?"
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"Who’s on first?"
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"What
did you see back here?"
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"Nothing."
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"That’s
right nothing."
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Lynn
goes to work at the café, where she waits on Ben (Paul
Hickey). Ben gives a little
background information on the great Zambrini. It seems he was a
circus performer, who fell off the high wire and was clinically dead
for awhile but woke up in the morgue. Everybody thinks Zambrini’s
a weirdo and, coupled with Ms. Maty’s wild tales of demon pigs,
everyone else stays away. (But I keep coming around for the
pie.)
Ben
leaves and Zambrini - who was eavesdropping - starts another round
of dialogue.
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"Did
you believe him?"
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"No."
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"Why
not?"
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"I
like to find things out for myself."
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"Why?
What did you find out?"
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"Where?"
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"Huh?"
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"There is no Kaiser Sose."
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"What
did you find out?"
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"You used to work in a circus."
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Aaaauuaaaarrrrrrrrrrghghgh!
Sheriff
Cole shows up and looks Lynn’s VW over. Lynn becomes worried.
Zambrini notices, says he’ll take care of it and shoos her to the
back. Cole comes in and lays Maty’s complaints on him. She's
accused him of letting his pigs loose at night and they’re rooting
around her house. He denies it saying the only thing loose around
here is Maty’s mouth.
Cole
changes the subject and asks about his new
waitress. He claims she’s a relative who came to the country to
help with her asthma. Cole buys it. He also mentions that a corpse
was stolen out of the morgue the night before. Zambrini gets angry
and says he can’t search his lots without a warrant. (Way
to not act guilty there, ya psycho.)
We
cut to the back room, where Lynn’s on the pay phone. She dials up
a number and asks to talk to her daddy. She really starts to unspool
and begs for her daddy’s forgiveness.*
Later, Ben takes Lynn out on a date. On the way back, he parks his
truck and starts to get a little too fresh. Lynn protests and lucky
for her, Cole comes to the rescue and gives her a ride home.
On
the ride back, we find out that Cole is falling for Lynn and he
promises to look out for more complaints about Zambrini so he can
come and see her.*
Cole drops her off and leaves. Lynn hears the pigs squealing a wild
symphony again and heads back behind the cafe. Zambrini stops her,
sends her inside and we then notice his hands are covered in blood. (Mine!)
The
film twists on us as we next find Ben in Lynn’s room. She starts
to seductively strip but then excuses herself to the bathroom. Ben
strips down to his skivvies and hops into the bed. Lynn finds the
razor and takes it in hand. The twisted lullaby cranks up and we
realize the song is a trigger mechanism for her psychotic episodes.
She
jumps into bed with Ben and proceeds to hack him to pieces. She
slumps into a corner and starts blubbering for her daddy.*
Zambrini finds her and puts her to bed in his room. He cleans up the
evidence and feeds the body to the pigs.
Lynn
wakes up the next morning, returns to her room and finds it
spotless. Was it all a dream? Nope. She runs away but is haunted by
the lullaby and Ben’s screams. She finds a pay phone and calls for
daddy again. (Curse
you movie!)
Ben’s
co-workers are out looking for him and so is Cole. They knew he was
on a date with Lynn, so the Sheriff goes to talk to her but Zambrini
says she's sick and can’t talk to him. He says Ben was here and
was heading out of town for a while. They hear something out back
but Cole says it’s just his deputy. Zambrini gets mad and heads
back there.
The
deputy is looking over the pig lot but somehow missed the
dismembered hand lying just outside of it. Zambrini steps on it -
hiding it - before Cole can see it. Ben’s dog is lying by the lot
and won’t leave. Zambrini demands they leave. Cole asks him to be
sure to tell Lynn that he stopped by. (Jeez,
what a dunderhead.)
After they’re gone, he chases the dog away.
Cole
gets another distress call from Maty. He finds the doctor is already
there, giving her medicine to calm her down. The men talk, something
about Egyptians worshipping pigs or turned people into pigs. (And
I find myself rolling around on the ground as one hand tries to
wrestle the remote from the other and stop this abomination in its
tracks.)
Meanwhile,
Zambrini kills the dog and dumps it off the road. He comes home to
find Ben’s co-workers breaking into his barn. He tries to stop
them but they beat the crap out of him and leave. Cole receives word
from them that the Ben's dog is dead and that he’d better do
something about Zambrini or they’ll burn his place to the ground. (Yes
it takes the death of a dog to finally spring the Sheriff into
action.)
The
next day at the café, Lynn does the watusi to a song on the
jukebox. Zambrini secretly watches her gyrating. A customer shows up
and Lynn is surprised that he knows who she is. He’s an
investigator from the hospital. He’s been looking for her and
wants to taker her back with him so she can get well. Lynn says
she’d like to go back and leaves to get her things.
Zambrini
asks the man what’s going on. He says that Lynn is an escaped
mental patient who killed her father. Zambrini harrumphs and goes to
Lynn’s room. She asks if he wants her to stay here with him. Of
course he does (how
else is he going to feed his pigs) but what about the
investigator? She assures him not to worry. She’ll take care of
him. And the lullaby of death cranks up again while she gives
herself a kabuki make-up job.
MAKE
IT STOP.
The
make- up mysteriously disappears when she tells the investigator he
has a phone call. There’s no one on the line but while his back is
turned, Lynn stabs him several times. Cole shows up but doesn’t
notice the body lying on the floor of the café. He asks Lynn if she
knows what happened to Ben. She plays dumb so Cole leaves.
MAKE
IT STOP.
Zambrini
drags the investigator into the pig lot and the hell- hogs chow
down.
At
his office, Cole receives a call. It's the mental hospital and they
want to know if he’s seen their investigator. He hasn’t but asks
what was the name of the escaped mental patient they’re looking
for. He’s dumbfounded when they say it's Lynn and what she has
done. He calls Zambrini, warns him that Lynn is a lunatic and to
stay clear of her. Cole rounds up his deputy and they head out for
the café.
Zambrini
goes to Lynn’s room and says she has to leave. He says not to
worry, he can hide her but she can’t stay here. Confused over this
rejection, Lynn stabs Zambrini to death. She makes one more call to
daddy but we hear the operator on the other end saying the number
has been disconnected and to please hang up and try again.
MAKE
IT STOP.
It’s
suddenly the dead of night. Lynn drags Zambrini to the hog lot,
where she hacks him to pieces and throws the parts over the fence.
That dirty deed done, she strips off her clothes and throws them
into the pen, too, to throw the Sheriff off her trail. (Believe
me lady that isn’t going to be very hard. In fact. Don't even
bother.)
Which
leaves us with the denouement. Cole makes out the report for the
incident and types in the cause of death for Lynn and Zambrini.
There weren’t any parts left that were big enough to make a proper
identification. Zambrini’s pigs are loaded up and taken to market.
The farmer gives Cole a necklace and charm he found in the lot and
he recognizes it was Lynn’s. (Hey,
Dick friggin Tracy! Where’d her car go?)
MAKE
IT STOP.
We
cut to a church. (The
hell?) And then cut to a road
where a familiar VW pulls over and picks up a hitchhiker. The rider
thanks her but is surprised that a little lady would trust a spooky
old gent like himself. No problem she says. You look just like my
daddy.
MAKE
IT STOP!
TURN
IT OFF!
TURN
IT OFF!
TURN
IT OFF!
The
End
THANK
YOU!
You
know, there are several different kinds of bad movies that find
there way on to a site like this one. Some are "bad" in a
way that makes them very entertaining. That makes them a
"good" film in my skewered way of thinking.
Some
are BAD- bad and you and I, as a viewer, would like to get the hour
and a half back that we wasted watching it.
Then
there are the really- REALLY bad ones, where about half way through
a rage is brewing and seething in you. And by the time you get to
the closing credits -
if you make it that far - you want to track those who are
responsible for the production down. Then take them behind the
woodshed, grab the biggest chunk of wood you can find (preferably
with a nail in it) and get a little payback.
Where
does Pigs
fit in this scheme?
Well,
let me put it to you this way.
I
picked this thing up at a video store that was liquidating there
stock. The cover art promised giant killer pigs, munching on a
hapless victim. On the back was this description: A series of
mutilation murders with no clues or motives-blah-blah-blah-the owner
of the restaurant is releasing his herd of giant hogs at night to
roam the streets in search of the only food they crave - humans!
Wow.
Katherine
Ross received top billing and it had the greatest tag line: "If
you go down to the woods today…you’re in for a PIG
surprise." I had never even heard of Pigs
but it showed such potential that I quickly snatched it up. (I
should have known better. I should have known better.)
And while dreams of a porcine version of Night
of the Lepus danced around in my head,
I watched it for the first time.
E-friggin'-gad.
First
off, the film stars a Katherine Ross but not thee Katherine Ross
that you and I both thought they were talking about. It was a trick,
as this Katherine Ross was a minor character and not that Katherine
Ross anyway. I also came to find out that the film was originally
released as Daddy’s Deadly Darling.
We can conjecture that the film didn’t do very well, was
repackaged and resold playing up the pigs minor - yet pivotal - role
to cash in on the re-emerging ecological horror movies of the '70s.
The
first time through, I thought it was a redeemless piece o’ crap on
the level of Octaman
(and
we all know how I feel about Octaman.)
It had been a while since we had a real stinkburger on the site so I
thought I’d warn you all away from it. Of course that means I had
to watch it again. (The things I
do for you people.)
I
checked the IMDB first, to see
what other people thought about it. Most of them thought it was some
kind of an amazing black comedy or a tongue-in-cheek surrealistic
masterpiece. (Did
we watch the same film?) Maybe they were right and I needed
to watch it again - and sober this time. I did watch it again, then
took my notes and sat down to type up this review. It wasn’t quite
as bad the second time through (in hindsight it was kind of
like getting a second anvil dropped on your head. After the first
one are you really going to notice the second?)
and I thought maybe those IMDB
yo-yos were on to something.
Now
I’m always talking about the cerebral random play jukebox in my
head, that’s usually stuck on one song that I can’t get rid of.
Well, I suddenly had Lynn’s siren psychotic-trigger-song of death
playing through my head. (Other
survivors of this film know that I’m talking about the
"La-La-La-La" song.)
Was there some kind of hidden message in it all? Was it Cinema de
Crap that suddenly became Cinema de Arte somewhere in the dark
murkiness of the picture? A deep, subliminal meaning or a
non-glamorous look at the mentally unstable perhaps? I was getting
sucked into its surreal artiness and bizarre hippie-power-ballad
soundtrack. The film had me mesmerized. I was buying into it.
There
was only one thing to do.
I
stopped typing, walked into the utility room and came back with a
hammer. I took the tape, sat it on the table and pulverized it into
about a dozen pieces. The spell was broken. Knowing full well that
my drastic actions saved me and prevented someone, anyone from
seeing this abomination makes me feel all warm inside. I plan to
scatter the remnants of it along Highway 30 on the way home this
weekend, satisfied that I removed a copy of this horrendous
cinematic black hole from circulation.
As
for the misleading case for the tape? Well, the case I’ll keep as
a reminder of how close I came to the pit. A warning to those who
tamper in God’s domain and fall for slip covers that are too good
to be true.
So
who’s responsible for this?
One
Marc Lawrence, who wrote, produced and directed it as vehicle for
his daughter, Toni. (Thanks,
dad.) What kind of guy writes a film for his daughter where
the daughter is a victim of incest and a psycho killer? So proud of
it was he that in the credits he didn’t even use his real name but
F.A. Foss instead.
Lawrence
has been around for a long time, been in movies since the '30s and
you’ll recognize him as one of "those" guys. He was the
evil chauffeur in This Gun’s
For Hire and was
going to throw the hapless Veronica Lake to the fishes before Alan
Ladd saved her.
Lawrence
ran into trouble in the '50s with HUAC - the House Un-American
Activities Committee - and was accused of being a communist.
Lawrence named names, was blackballed and spent the next decade
exiled in Europe. Pigs
was his first picture upon his return. Vengeance be his I guess.
He
was last seen in End
of Days. To his credit, Mr.
Lawrence is a pretty good actor and his method performance as the
mumbling Zambrini almost, repeat, almost gives the film one
redeeming quality.
Toni,
well, she tries hard and as a sniveling psychopath, she’s friggin'
brilliant.
Jesse
Vint, who I happen to like as an actor, played the dopey sheriff as
a favor. He’s another "that guy" and along with his
brother Alan, went on to torment Marjoe Gortner in Earthquake
and played the Dixon brothers in the much better tribute to
backwater America in Macon
County Line.
If
anybody knows where any of these guys hang out, I got a two by four
with a railroad spike in it ready, willing and able. Now I won’t
hurt anybody, I just want an explanation as to what exactly happened
to the part where "the owner of the restaurant is releasing his
herd of giant hogs" to "roam the streets in search of the
only food they crave-humans!"
Gentlemen,
you have 30 seconds for you answer before I start swinging.
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