Operation: 00oddballs rounds the corner - and heads for the back stretch - with James Coburn's super-cool alter ego, Derek Flint. His first adventure - Our Man Flint - gives us a diabolical scheme to take over the world, anti-American eagles, the ultimate Zippo, and beautiful pleasure units waiting for us all at the Whiskey-A-Go-Go in the Reward Room. Oh, yeah.

Shall we go?

- - - -

Our latest features opens with a montage of natural disasters, of biblical proportions, plaguing the Earth (and a quick check of the VCR to make sure I didn't pop in Flash Gordon by accident.) Aboard a black submarine, three figures - a stunning red-head, a bald-headed thug and that guy from Knight Rider - twist some knobs on a cosmic doohickey. They watch the devastating results of their machinations, through the periscope, as hurricanes rage, volcanoes erupt and a dam crumbles - and a valley of miniatures is washed away. Afterwards, the three villains exchange "job well done" glances.

In Washington DC, at the headquarters of the international crime fighting group known as - oh-lord - Z.O.W.I.E. (Zonal Organization World Intelligence and Espionage or something like that), Cramden, the leader of the group, consults with his fellow agents to figure out who is behind these unnatural weather disasters. Cramden smells a dubious plot behind it because whoever controls the weather controls the world.

The ice caps are melting in the arctic - threatening coastal cities all over the world. Cramden (Lee J. Cobb) tells his underlings not to worry, though, because he's got a team of spies that are closing in on the weather bandits. But he barely finishes that sentence when word comes that the entire team was wiped out. A new agent is needed to save the world. They turn to the British contingent but the infamous 0008 is occupied - so Cramden tells everyone to submit what qualifications are needed. They'll be fed into a computer to determine the best man for the job.

The answer comes but Cramden is none to happy about it. The safety of the entire world relies on the original international man of mystery - Derek Flint. 

Cue solarized go-go dancers, Jerry Goldsmith's hideously infectious score and let the credits roll.

Cramden feels Flint is wrong for the job because he's a maverick that doesn't follow orders or procedures. He's vehemently against it - until the Presidential hot-line rings (an ever present red phone with Presidential seal and a very familiar ring) and the commander-n-chief says Flint is the man. Cramden begrudgingly agrees.

We find Flint (James Coburn) practicing his martial arts. A Colonel approaches but he refuses to even talk to him. What follows is an increase in rank and refusals until - after a ton of Presidential prodding - Cramden himself seeks Flint out at his posh New York penthouse that would give the Playboy Mansion a run for the money, complete with a entourage of beautiful attendants (Shelby Grant, Sigrid Valdis, Gianna Serra and Helen Funai).

While Cramden rings the bell, we get a quick tour of Flint's pad. He is a true renaissance man, philanthropist and playboy all rolled into one. He tinkers with several gadgets and tunes Cramden in on a view screen. Flint sends his German Shepherd to, well, shepherd him in. Cramden is overwhelmed by the decor. Flint sees this, flips a switch and all the artwork in the room changes, folds and flips into another art period.

Flint has just returned from Moscow after giving the Russian Ballet a refresher course and apologizes for being a little jet-lagged. Several women appear and start to lather him for a shave while Cramden makes his sales pitch. 

The world desperately needs his talents but Flint refuses. He's not in that line of work anymore. Cramden rants and raves, to no avail, and storms back to Washington. His plane lands but waiting on the tarmac is a soldier holding a familiar red phone that rings for him. Cramden takes the call, protests, rolls his eyes and gets right back on the plane to go back and try again.

Back in New York, Flint and his beauties descend upon a restaurant. A band plays and one by one Flint takes a tour of the dance floor with one of his posse. Little does he suspect that sinister eyes are upon him, namely the red-head and baldy from the submarine.

The bald man is Hans Gruber (Michael St. Clair), a Hitler Youth trainer who escaped from Nuremberg, and the lady is the deadly agent, Gila (Gila Golan). Who are they working for? Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

While Hans prepares a poison dart, Gila dons a disguise. The two deftly snatch the harpist off the stage and Gila steps in without missing a beat. Hans gives Gila the poison dart and she uses the harp as a bow (!) and tries to draw a bead on Flint. Cramden arrives and heads to intercept Flint on the dance floor. Gila fires but hits Cramden, instead, who unwittingly stepped in the line of fire. 

Cramden collapses, clutching his arm where the dart hit. Flint examines the dart, quickly determines the toxin - just by taking a whiff of it - and performs emergency surgery there on the dance floor using a house key and a candle. (Man this guy is good.) He saves Cramden and Flint - knowing the dart was meant for him - admits he's got a job to save the world whether he wants it or not.

Cramden recovers and Flint accepts the assignment but needs a few hours to prepare - and say goodbye to his women. We next spy him back at his pad, suspended between two chairs, in a trance like state. The ladies watch and they fretfully explain that he's entered a transcendental state to meditate but it frightens them when he stops his heart like that. Flint's wristwatch starts beeping and we see a small metal probe emerge from it. It starts poking his wrist and this eventually brings him out of the trance. He says his goodbyes and heads off to Z.O.W.I.E. headquarters.

He reports to Cramden - who tries to arm him with the usual array of spy gadgets. A Walther PPK, exploding briefcase etc. but Flint refuses them all. All he needs is his 82-function-Super-Zippo Lighter. (83 functions if you count actually lighting a cigar.) He also refuses to use the government code book and will use his own - a progression of numbers of an origin that Cramden refuses explanation.

Cramden had the dart analyzed. Aside from the curare poison, there were several other ingredients including garlic and other spices. Flint recognizes them as ingredients for bouillabaisse (a certain French soup for us uncultured types - who are probably calling it freedombaisse by now.) Flint determines, by the proportion of ingredient amounts, that the soup had to come from the town of Marseilles, France, and expects to find his assassin there. Cramden offers to fly him but Flint says he has his own jet.

On the way out, Flint passes two guards. He attacks them without provocation and kills them. Cramden arrests him on the spot but Flint points out some telling mistakes in their uniforms and tiny plastic surgery scars. They're fakes. This is confirmed when the real guards are found. One is dead but Flint is able to save the other man by using a light socket and Cramden as a difibulator to get his heart going again. They have to be very careful, Z.O.W.I.E.'s been compromised, whoever they're dealing with can't be underestimated.

Flint arrives in Marseilles and starts hitting the restaurants and sampling the soup. (Yes we're supposed to notice that all the maître de's recognize him.) His search leads him to a seedy bar where we spy a stripper (Is that Turu Santana?) doing her thing and Hans Gruber, in the back, slopping away at a big bowl of bouillabaisse while Gila yells at him for carrying around a certain jar of cold cream. 

They both spot Flint entering the bar. He orders a bowl of soup and determines that this is his killer's feeding ground. He spies one of the locals giving the stripper a hard time and intervenes. It comes to blows and their brawl lands them in the coat check room. (In a bar?) The local turns out to be Agent 0008 (Robert Gunner). It turns out that they're working on the same case. They continue to brawl and secretly exchange info between punches. 

Agent 0008 has uncovered and international narcotics ring. He thought it was SPECTRE but it's a new group, known as Galaxy, and it's all tied in with the freakish weather. That's all he knows, so Flint gives him the bum's rush out the door.

Flint heads to the bathroom to clean up. Gila sends Hans in after him to finish the job. Hans pulls a pistol but Flint uses his kung-fu and knocks the gun away. The fight continues until Hans is tossed into a pay toilet stall and Flint has to come up with the correct change to continue the fight (!).

Hans is killed with his own dagger. Flint starts to clean himself up and sees his face is smudged in the mirror. He hits upon and idea and starts spreading the smudge all over his face. (I remind everyone he's in the bathroom and do we really wanna fathom what that it is he's smearing all over his face?) 

In the bar, Gila dumps the narcotics out of Hans' cold cream jar, into her purse, and replaces it with a ticking device of an explosive nature then leaves. In the bathroom, Flint completes his disguise by reversing his tux coat into a white Nehru jacket and wraps the drying towel into a turban around his head.

He spies Hans' empty soup bowl and cold cream case. He carefully examines it and realizes what's inside. He uses Hans' pistol and fires it off, scaring all the other customers away and detonates the jar from cover. He examines the remnants then sends a cryptic coded message to Cramden. He's off to Rome to find another can of cold cream.

Back in the submarine, Gila and Rodney (Edward Mulhare) report to three men, decked out in lab coats, that we assume correctly are the brains behind Galaxy. She reports that Flint is dead but is informed that her assumption is a bit premature. Rodney wants to take over Operation Kill Flint but the scientist grant Gila one more chance because she's just received information that Flint has a weakness. Four weaknesses to be exact.

What follows is a quick montage of Flint's female posse being abducted from a beauty salon, a dressing room, an elevator and shower respectively (and does she always bathe in a bikini?)

In Rome, Flint and an exasperated cab driver have been crisscrossing the city in search of the right cosmetic company. Proving that he is human, like the rest of us, it's the last one he checks, the Exotica Beauty Company, that turns out to be the one he's been looking for all along. His instincts kick in and he radios another message to Cramden saying he's probably walking into a trap. With luck, he'll find Galaxy's secret lab - if not, send flowers. Cramden gets the message and decides to head to Rome himself.

Flint bullies his way in to see the manager - that turns out to be Gila. He feels they've met somewhere before. She admits they have and he recalls seeing her playing the harp in New York - and planting a bomb in a bar in France. He wants to talk about the weather and galaxies. She promises to answer all his questions - but not here - and playfully dangles the keys to her place.

We jump cut to her place and Flint proves to be the ultimate wooer of women as he gets more and more information out of Gila about Galaxy. It's located on a volcanic island but before he gets the exact location, she quiets up and lures him into the bedroom. 

The next morning, like any good spy, Flint loves 'em, pumps 'em, (for info you dirty minded cretins!) and leaves 'em. He quietly gets dressed, steals Gila's keys and heads back to Exotica. 

He uses the keys and enters undetected. Or so he thinks. He finds a large walk-in safe in Gila's office and with the help of his Super-Zippo and several buttons that convert into a stethoscope off his shirt, he cracks the combination and enters. Once inside, Rodney and Gila spring the trap and seal him inside.

The entire office is quickly converted into a trailer camper and hooked up to a car. They pull out and Rodney presses several buttons on another doohickey - and the Exotica Cosmetic Company sinks into the street and is quickly replaced with an outdoor cafe. The villains, and their prized captive, roll off - just as the same Cabbie arrives with Cramden and the cavalry only to find the building and Flint gone into thin air.

Inside the safe, Flint studies the contents and finds a map with the location of Galaxy Island. He then uses function #56 of the lighter and blowtorches his way out of the safe. He spies Rodney and Gila in the car towing him around. Using more of his clothes, he rigs up a listening device and listens in on their conversation.

We discover that Rodney and Gila don't really like each other. Rodney thinks they should just shoot Flint but feels Gila won't let him because - not-so-secretly - she's fallen for him. Gila points out that a gun would have killed him quickly but now Flint is slowly suffocating. This appeases Rodney - for the moment. 

In the trailer, Flint radios in that he's discovered the location of Galaxy. Cramden replies to give him the location and he'll send in the Navy and Air Force to bomb it. Flint is about to give the coordinates when he overhears Gila say that Flint's four playmates have arrived on the island for reprogramming. 

Cramden waits for the coordinates but Flint's message promises location later because he's headed for a family reunion first. Cramden rages while the car and trailer finally reach their destination. They enter the trailer but Flint is gone. They open the safe and he's back inside it lying prone. Rodney checks for a pulse but finds none. Flint is dead. (But we know better.) They throw his body in a coffin, snap a picture of it and send it off to Cramden. Then they load the coffin into the submarine and head off for Galaxy Island.

Back at Z.O.W.I.E headquarters, Cramden receives a copy of the picture just as all the view screens go haywire. Every channel is the same thing. The picture finally clears up and the Galaxy Trio (no not Galaxy Girl, Meteor Man and Vapor Man but the scientists) present their ultimatum to the world. Surrender to their rule, destroy all (god I hate these words) weapons of mass destruction or they will continue to melt the ice caps. They activate two extinct volcanoes to demonstrate their powers. The world has one hour to answer or face annihilation. 

Meanwhile, the sub closes in on Galaxy Island (that has more than a passing resemblance to the Island of Misfit Toys.) Inside his coffin, Flint's watch gets his ticker ticking again. The sub enters an inlet and secret hangar by passing under a waterfall. 

Flint's coffin is unloaded and hauled away. Rodney and Gila are still bickering and sniping at each other. They take the coffin into an elevator to present it to the Galaxy trio. After the elevator closes, we pan back to reveal the forklift operator, who transported the coffin, is none other then Flint himself. He uses the forklift to crush the other guard and steals his uniform.

He uses the disguise to explore the complex. He heads outside and finds a veritable eden of hedonistic pleasure (if you're a guy I point out. Bikini clad women frolic about and tend to the needs of the Galaxy men. He watches a monorail, roar overhead, that leads deeper into the complex. He tries to radio in but Galaxy is jamming all transmissions until the hour of their ultimatum is up. 

About that same time, Gila presents an empty coffin to her superiors. She makes excuses while Rodney gloats. 

Flint hears a strange horn sounding and sees everyone is headed back inside. He follows the crowd in but is ferreted out by an anti-American eagle that's guarding the entrance. (It's been trained to hunt down Americans. How diabolical!) The trainer calls off the bird while several other guards escort Flinyt inside. 

Once inside, we realize that the minions of Galaxy must not be very bright because everything is clearly labeled, with great big letters, so not to cause confusion - including the communications room and several steam valves that control the energies of the volcano. They pass a giant turbine that is most likely the power source of the entire complex. Flint seems genuinely fascinated by the machinery but the guards won't let him marvel for very long and hustle him in to the main control room.

The Galaxy trio, Doctors Krupoff, Woo and Schneider, (Benson Fong, Rhys Williams & Peter Brocco) are excited to finally meet the great Derek Flint in person. The guards say he was only carrying a Zippo and turns it over to Dr. Woo. Woo is about to give it back when Schneider stops him, realizing it must be a spy-gadget, and tosses it aside.

Rodney makes his play to take over Gila's command of security - saying her bumbling, and feelings for Flint, could have had disastrous results. The scientists agree and decide that Gila, as a woman (oh, brother), may serve Galaxy in other ways and sentence her to reprogramming as a pleasure unit. Gila protests but her fate is sealed. She lunges at Flint for protection and manages to scoop up and slip his Zippo back to him undetected. They're separated and Gila is hauled off.

The leaders of Galaxy then make their sales pitch to Flint, wanting him to join them - much to Rodney's consternation. They offer a utopia of easy living, through science, and peaceful coexistence. They point out that they don't even use guns. (You know, he's right. Nobody's armed. Hey, waitaminnit. Was that a pea-shooter Gruber was carrying then?!?) 

Flint rejects their offer. He apologizes, saying, he came to Galaxy not to join it - but to destroy it. The scientists are sorry to hear that and order him reprogrammed and placed in their R&D department. Rodney can't believe his ears and protests. Dr. Schneider is the first to realize Rodney may be right and expresses concern that Flint's will is too strong and no matter how much brainwashing he's given, he won't conform. The others agree and it's decided that Flint will be returned to his basic elements by the elctrofragmentizer. 

Flint is escorted out but manages to give Rodney a knee to the family jewels for blowing his possible escape plan. (See, in Galaxy's world we couldn't do things like that anymore.) He's taken before the elctrofragmentizer. Several switches are turned on, and a menacing electronic thrum builds in intensity. A guard herds him towards it but Flint breaks out the Zippo and activates the Bat-Smoke-Screen. In the confusion, he tosses the guard into the machine where he's instantly vaporized.

The other guard attacks - but Flint breaks out the judo and tosses him into the disintegration field, too. He doesn't escape the scrape unscathed, though, the Super-Zippo fell in and was vaporized as well.

Back at Z.O.W.I.E headquarters, word comes over the red hotline that the world will capitulate to Galaxy's demands. Cramden gets permission to join his old Navy commander to witness the scuttling of the fleet.

Meanwhile, in the reprogramming room, a man, who I swear is Mr. "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" Whipple from those old toilet paper commercials, is in the process of brainwashing Gila - who is now clad in a red bikini. The "process" involves her staring into a spinning swirl of color while repeating the mantra "my soul purpose in life is to bring pleasure to my companion."

Flint arrives, in the nick of time, and dispatches Mr. Whipple (squeeze that, buddy) and begins deprogramming Gila. This takes about five seconds thanks to Flint's highly effective counter mantra "you are not a pleasure unit" whispered into the ear. 

Gila snaps out of it. Flint says he's heading for the communications room. Gila says she can't because she's expected in the Reward Room. What's that? Flint asks. She has no time to explain but she guarantees he'll love it - but he must brand her first to complete the illusion of her being a sex slave. (Oh, wow. We've crossed some threshold here that I can't quite express but it gets worse because you haven't seen the Reward Room yet.)

The Reward Room is basically the Playboy Mansion on steroids. The male schlubs who work for Galaxy pop some aphrodisiacs (think Viagra), that's what was in the cold cream jar, and hustle into the waiting fantasy rooms filled with beautiful women. Gila heads to the Polar Bear Room, while Flint heads into the Disco-A-Go-Go room and rounds up two of his kidnapped ladies. (The guy can even cut a mean groove on the dance floor. Truly amazing our man Flint.) He works his magic on them breaking the spell.

They move on to the massage room to pick up another - and find the last one in a mock up of a drive-in movie theater where no one is watching the movie (if you know what I mean and I think you do.) Flint even knows the Vulcan death-grip and uses it to rescue the last missing girl. They meet up with Gila in the Polar Bear Room and Flint tells them all to wait here because he's going to send Galaxy into orbit.

The first step of his plan leads to the radio room. After giving the radio operator a lethal dose of static (!) - he begins to transmit his location via Morse code. In the control room, the Galaxy Trio waits for the President's broadcast of capitulation and overhear Flint's message but can't decipher his personal code.

On an aircraft carrier, the message is deciphered and given to Cramden just as the President starts his speech. Cramden let's out a whoop. Flint's still alive and orders the Navy to set course for the coordinates given. He then gets on the red-phone and tells the President to stall - which he does, rather clumsily.

The scientists finally break the code and realize Flint is on the loose and send Rodney to find him. Flint stops transmitting and starts rampaging through Galaxy, breaking all the control panels he sees. Rodney spots him and the chase is on. (And this is also when Goldsmith's score really kicks in!) 

The chase leads them to the controls for the volcano. Flint destroys the valves, filling the room with super-heated steam. He kung-fus several guards and finally has the duel with Rodney. Rodney dons some kind of mace and swings wildly - but can never land a blow on our nimble hero (and who said those ballet lessons wouldn't pay off.) With one deft hassan-chop, Rodney is dispatched. 

Flint eyes the master controls for the turbines, with a large wrench in hand, when the Galaxy Trio appears and pleads with him not to destroy all their work. It could have been a utopia but Flint says the price was too high. The scientists even offer a full surrender if he'll spare their work. No one else need die. Rodney recovers and snaps "one more can die" and hurls a heavy hook and pulley at Flint. He dodges it but it knocks all the scientist over a railing and down a shaft that leads to the volcano's molten core. 

All the damage Flint has done, finally goes critical and Galaxy starts to come apart at the seams. Rodney retreats and Flint let's him go to save the girls. He fights his way back into the Reward Room and rounds them up. The complex is wracked with explosions and falling debris. (One very noticeable goof has a good sized rock bouncing harmlessly off Gila's head. See illustration.) In the Control Room, Rodney is buried under a ton of falling rubble.

There is too much chaos moving towards the normal exits, so Flint leads his entourage up, instead of down, and out. And wouldn't you know it, the water fall is artificial, too. As Galaxy explodes below them, Flint seals the women inside steel drums and sends them plummeting over the edge to the sea below. 

From the carrier, Cramden watches as the barrels tumble out and orders a boat to go and pick them up. Since there's no one to seal him in a barrel, Flint shows off one more time and does a perfect high dive off the top of the waterfall into the waiting water below.

On the carrier, the woman are carefully helped on board by the anxious sailors - while poor Flint has to drag himself onto the deck all by his lonesome. While Galaxy explodes, he plops down in the captain's chair and is doted on by his posse - especially the newest member, Gila, who closes in for a kiss. 

After swapping some spit, they all then turn and watch the fireworks show. Galaxy finally does the big ka-boom and the anti-American eagle is seen floating gently away. 

The End

Back in college, during my lesser enlightened days, I and the usual gang of cohorts, Hudson, Nekkid Bill and our friend Renee caught Our Man Flint, on cable, one night at Murphy's, the local watering hole. In our inebriated state, all the guys toasted "To Galaxy!" while Renee, in her vast and level-headed wisdom (and always the voice of reason among all that testosterone), toasted "To Flint!" It's been a standing toast at our reunions ever since.

Let's clear something up first. If the world's in trouble, and it were up to me to decide who to get to save it? There's no question. Forget 007 - I'm calling Derek Flint. The jet-setting playboy, and doer of good deeds, did it his way through two films and a less than stellar made for TV movie. He's smart, tough, lethally effective - and Hugh Hefner's wet dream.

Unfortunately one cannot talk about this, his first film, without ducking the hedonistic and - let's say it - misogynistic take on the roll of women in the proposed utopia. A world of perfect peace populated by go-going pleasure units may seem like a great idea - and very, very, very, very tempting - but I, too, will have to respectfully decline - and cry myself to sleep every night, cursing my moral fortitude, thinking I could have had Gila Golan in a bikini whispering naughty things in my ear lying right next to me. *sigh*

When you analyze the film, it gets a little sticky when you consider Flint's motivations. Is he trying to save the world from this fate, and make the world safe for democracy, baseball and apple pie? Sure. But I've often wondered if he stops it for more selfish reasons. If Galaxy succeeds, then the entire world will resemble Flint's playboy lifestyle. You'd think he'd be all for that but then, instead of everybody wanting to be like him, in Galaxy's utopia, everybody could and would be like him! In our world - he's the king. He's unique. Why ruin it and let everyone else in on the fun. Heck, yeah. I'd probably blow it up too. (Woody Allen's Dr. Noah would have a similar plan in the royal mess that is Casino Royale - hatching a plot that would make all the woman of the world love short men and kill all men over five-feet-four inches tall.)

When I reviewed Diabolik, I ragged on the lead character as being amoral, smug and too damn perfect. Derek Flint may be the polar opposite of Diabolik but the character can be just as grating at times, too. As Cramden so eloquently puts it - "dammit, man, is there anything you don't know!" Flint's saving grace, though, is when the character answers - "of course not."

Flint's abilities and gadgets run from the sublime to the outright ridiculous. The film works because Coburn is so friggin' brilliant in the role. He plays it straight on a dime, while everyone else around him is on another goofy plain of reality - metaphorically speaking. The deceptively wiry Coburn is one of my favorite character actors. Best known for his steely grin and gangly frame, what always struck me were his intense eyes. With a raising of an eyebrow - or a subtle squint - he can run the gambit of "hi, how you doing" to "I'm going to kick your ass" with only the slightest change of expression. Cobb, another great character actor, is great as Flint's curmudgeonly foil. Golan is beautiful and went on to star in The Valley of Gwangi.

The film speeds by and dares you to keep up. In fact, the film threatens to break up and fall apart, due to this friction, because the viewer is forced to swallow a lot of, for lack of a better word, silliness. But just when you think it's lost you, the film takes another hilariously absurd turn, Coburn does something unbelievably cool or more than likely, Jerry Goldsmith's brilliant score - the glue that holds the whole flam-dam-thing together - cranks up into a fine groove and the film hooks you again. I can't really explain it any better than that.

Sharp eyes will spot Howard Lydecker's name in the credits. All those wonderful "fake" miniature sets that were destroyed were his doing. Lydecker is famous for his special-effects work and made a career working in the serials making little things go boom! (Which reminds me, I've really got to update Manhunt in the African Jungle one of these weeks.) 

I really enjoy Our Man Flint. It's a swinging good time if you can get past a few moral hiccups. I was disappointed with the sequel, In Like Flint, and I'm still not sure what The President's Analyst is about. Out of all the oddball spy flicks, the Austin Powers trilogy owes the greatest debt to the Flint series. They're all picking on James Bond, but by the time Our Man Flint came out in 1966, 007 himself had fallen into parody as well. So what we've got is a parody of a parody of a parody. Parody only works if it has a good straight man. So is it any wonder then that this genre fizzled out so quickly?

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