Does anyone else remember those great ads for this movie that appeared on the back covers of your favorite comic books back in the late '70s? You remember: the monster-sized orca jumping out of the water, destroying a boat, knocking that dude airborne while he tries to harpoon it as the whole village in the background burns? Yeah, that was another fine effort by artist John Berkey. Berkey also did the conceptual artwork for the '76 remake of King Kong. And unfortunately, as most of us found out, neither movie quite matched up or lived up to the action depicted on those posters. Not all that surprising once you realize the same culprits and suspects were responsible for both films. Don't believe me? Pop it in, press play and read on...

We open over the water with a pleasing tune by the always welcome Ennio Morricone. And while his haunted music paints a picture almost as pretty as the glorious red sun setting over the Atlantic Ocean, they then had to go and ruin it by starting the movie *sigh* with two orcas, better known as killer whales, frolicking and singing to their hearts content just off the coast of Newfoundland. A male and female, a happily married couple, they take turns jumping out of the water and splash down to celebrate life, as whales are want to do, I guess. But this couple is especially delirious because they're expecting their first baby -- but we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. 

Orcas mate for life, you know. That tidbit, and more orca information then you’ll ever want to know, will be beaten into your head over the next half-hour. Back to the review...

On shore, we find some recording equipment that is taping the whale's song. Following the microphone cord into the water, it leads to a diver, tending to the underwater sound receiver. Up above, the diver’s assistant waits in a pontoon. All very serene. But things start to get a little sticky when, from out of the murky depths, swims the scourge of the sea, a great white shark! When the diver spots the huge fish, he tries to hide along the sea bottom. We hear a motor from above and switch perspectives to the good ship Bumpo, tracking the great white. On board, Captain Nolan (Richard Harris) and his crew are hunting the shark so they can make a ton of money selling it to Sea World. When Annie (Bo Derek) spots the shark's dorsal fin, Nolan orders Paul (Peter Hooten) to circle the boat around then grabs his harpoon gun and takes aim at the shark.

Back on the pontoon, the diver's assistant -- who I think was named Carl (David Carradine), but I’ll be referring to him as Idiot Boy, and you'll find out why in a couple seconds -- cranks up the motor and sets an intercept course with the Bumpo, not wanting them to fire and accidentally hit the diver. To avoid him, Paul has to radically change course, causing Nolan to misfire. When the diver surfaces, Idiot Boy hauls her onto the raft just as the Bumpo pulls up beside them. Nolan reads them the riot act until he sees the diver is a woman: Dr. Rachel Bedford (Charlotte Rampling), a marine mammal specialist. Then Annie warns that the shark is coming back. 

Nolan orders Rachel to come aboard, where it’s safer, and though she complies, Idiot Boy guns the motor on the raft but barely goes ten feet before it starts sputtering to a stop; and then, of course, the moron falls over the side and into the water, meaning he probably deserves to be eaten. But as he swims for the raft and the shark closes in for the kill, suddenly, and very violently, the shark is attacked, knocked clean out of the water, and torn to pieces! Flummoxed, Nolan asks what could have done such a thing. Rachel answers only one creature in the world could have done that: a killer whale.

We jump ahead and watch Rachel give a series of lectures on our friend, the killer whale. According to her, the orca is the smartest, and most greatest, animal on the face of the planet. Seems a single whale song contains over 50 million pieces of information, so she postulates that whales also have ESP, making language meaningless, redundant, and, in a whale’s case, retarded. They’re also exemplary parents, their brains are more developed then humans, and -- write this down and note it for later -- have a profound instinct for vengeance. Rachel notices that Nolan has attended several of her seminars. Curious as to what he’s up to, the biologist isn’t all that surprised when she finds him building a holding pool. Yeah, Nolan has switched targets: he now wants an orca to sell to Sea World. Disgusted, Rachel tells him to leave the noble whales alone. She doesn’t think he can actually catch one, but fears he'll probably butcher several specimens while trying. She’ll even go out for a drink with the old salt, if he’ll call the whole thing off. (Yeah, they’ll be in the sack together before this thing is over.) But drink or no drink, Nolan refuses to listen and, along with Paul, Annie, and his first mate, Novak (Keenan Wynn), sets sail to bag themselves a whale.

Meanwhile, our two whales are still singing and squealing to their hearts content, unaware that the Bumpo is closing in on them. As Annie loads Nolan’s harpoon with tranquilizers, she’s not so sure about hunting whales, either, since the whales mate for life; she doesn’t want to break up a family. Thinking everyone’s gone crazy, Nolan takes the harpoon and aims at the male. He fires, but misses, harpooning the female instead. Squealing in distress the whale starts thrashing about, becoming entangled in the harpoon’s tow cable. Everyone on board, even Nolan, is made uneasy by the whale's almost human cries of pain as they reel her in. Then the wounded female goes berserk, ramming the Bumpo’s propeller. As the prop tears her apart, Annie thinks it’s trying to kill itself. Finally, they get their catch hoisted up, out of the water, hanging from the boom by her tail, but she continues to scream and thrash (and in the most disgusting scene in the whole film) aborts the fetus of her unborn calf. When it falls onto the deck with a splat, the male whale squeals in a rage. Nolan goes a little nuts, too, screaming for someone to get the thing off the deck. Grabbing a hose, he sprays it off the deck, washing it over the side, but keeps on spraying at the afterbirth until Novak stops him.

The next morning, Nolan finds the carcass beside his boat. (We also note that the whale carcass is amazingly stiff already. You could almost argue that it was over-inflated.) He also finds Rachel and Umilak (Will Simpson), a Native American, waiting for him. Strangely, Nolan seems genuinely contrite about killing the whale, and is amazed the wounded animal swam to shore, against the tide, before it died. Rachel disagrees, saying it was the mate that pushed it here, following Nolan back to shore. E'yup, the whale has dropped the gauntlet, so to speak. Umilak backs her up, saying the native legends are filled with stories of vengeful orcas hunting and killing those who tried to kill them, and he warns Nolan to stay out of the orca’s territory.

Nolan tries to make things right. First, he pays to have the whale carcass buried as a token gesture. (Something tells me, though, that the orca just isn’t going to get it.) Second, he invites Rachel to a wake for all the deceased but she declines, giving him a book about whales instead. And when Swain (Scott Walker), the harbormaster, informs Nolan that his boat has been given priority at the repair shop, he also firnly suggests Nolan use the boat and "take care" of the problem he’s caused. But Nolan says he’s through hunting whales; besides, Nolan adds, the whale is long gone by now. Well no; it isn't. Swain says the orca has been spotted around the point all day. Walking to the edge of said point, Nolan watches as the orca surfaces and has a quick flashback to the whale aborting the fetus -- mixed and mingled with images of a car wreck. 

So either the plot has taken a curious turn, or the editor is drunk and spliced in the wrong footage. Back to the review...

The next morning, with their nets empty, the natives of New Haven are growing impatient since neither Nolan nor the government will do anything about the whale. Warning Nolan of the sentiments brewing against him, Umilak, strangely, now encourages him to go and hunt down this devil but it seems Nolan has his own ideas on how to deal with the whale. Making a scarecrow of himself, Nolan sets the dummy out on the point, hoping to lure the whale up again so he can shoot it. Rachel finds him and says his plan is foolish. Nolan confesses that he wouldn’t have shot the beast anyway. Seems he feels a kinship with the orca for he, too, lost his wife and unborn child in accident, killed by a drunk driver. (So that’s what that flashback was all about.) Hoping that the whale is as smart as Rachel says, when it does surface, he hopes to apologize to it and try and make peace.

Rachel isn’t quite sure what to make of Nolan’s current state of mind. (I still think she’s falling for him.) Meanwhile, the orca is on the prowl again. Attacking the refueling docks, the whale ruptures several fuel lines, and when the fuel ignites, the fire follows the pipeline up to a refinery and it explodes. As the fire spreads, engulfing most of the dock, the orca squeals in delight and jumps out of the water, reveling in the mayhem and carnage it’s inflicting.

Later that night, Nolan receives a phone call. Swain informs him they’ll be working on the Bumpo all night and that he WILL set sail at daybreak and kill the orca or else. Nolan finally gives in but plans to fight the whale alone, as it should be, or how Nolan thinks the whale thinks is should be -- or whatever. He tells Paul to fuel up the truck and pick up Annie, and they’ll meet up, later, down the coast at the next village. When Nolan calls Rachel and tells of his plan to fight the whale alone, she talks him out of it. She's fallen for the big lug, and he agrees to skip town with the others. But when Paul heads to the gas station, they refuse to sell him any gas and Umilak warns him that the only way any of Nolan’s crew will leave New Haven is by boat. He even volunteers to go with them, to help out. Regardless, the only way out of this jam is for Nolan to kill the orca.

Back at the docks, Nolan tells Annie that he’s going out to the garage to gather a few things. Unbeknownst to them, the orca is currently circling under the boathouse. (So we're clear, their house is built over the bay, supported by several mooring posts.) Sensing something is wrong, Annie calls out to Nolan, but it's too late; the orca strikes and starts knocking out the support poles. As the house starts to crumble and fall into the water, with the cast on her leg, Annie can’t crawl up and out to safety. Nolan tries to come to her rescue, but the whale continues the assault and he can’t keep his footing. Paul arrives as the house continues to break up, and together, they try to use a net to haul Annie safely out. Dangling precariously close to the water’s edge now, Annie stretches as Nolan finally reaches her -- but the orca attacks again and bites one of her legs off before she's pulled clear!

When the Bumpo sets sail at dawn, the crew consists of Nolan, Paul, Umilak, Rachel and Idiot Boy -- who asks if someone should be up in the crow’s nest. Nolan says not to bother, the orca isn’t ready to fight yet. Feeling responsible for putting all those romantic notions into Nolan’s head about the whale and it’s thirst for revenge (-- but I think it's because the two haven't jumped in the sack yet), Rachel also sees a few holes in her theories of the über-whale; it may be more intelligent than us hu-mans, but it has the same fallibility’s of vengeance, rage, and bloodlust. The rest of the crew worries about Nolan, too, as he's obviously lost a few fish-sticks from his mental platter when he keeps mumbling that he wants this to be a fair fight.

Eventually, and thankfully, the orca makes the first move and attacks the boat. And then Nolan’s notions of a fair fight are kind of skewered when he heads out on deck with a depth charge! Consisting of three sticks of dynamite, he lights the fuse but Rachel won’t let him use it. (What the hell is her problem? Whose side are you on lady?) In their struggle, the dynamite is dropped over the side where it explodes, harmlessly. For her stupid actions, Rachel becomes nauseous and sticks her head over the side and makes with the Technicolor yawn. Seeing this, the orca makes a wide turn, under the boat, and rushes up to (hopefully) bite her head off -- but Nolan pulls her back just in the nick of time. (Okay, okay the orca surfaces and was no where near her.)

Then, during the next sequence, our suspension of disbelief barometer redlines, careens out of control, and augurs itself deep into the ground when the orca doesn’t pursue the attack but waves his flippers and tail in the air in a "come this way" gesture! Smarter than he looks, Nolan realizes the whale wants them to follow it and, being the genius that he is, orders Paul to follow it. And speaking of geniuses, since its been a while since anyone got munched, Idiot Boy leans over the side of the boat and instantly becomes whale kibble. (So long Idiot Boy. You will be missed.)

Leading the Bumpo out of the bay, the whale lures them into the ocean in a northerly direction. That night, as they listen to the orcas mournful singing, Rachel asks Nolan what he thinks the whale is saying. (Asking what a whale who wants to kill you is saying? Is this foreplay?) After that scene sputters and dies, still further north they venture, and as the the Bumpo starts to encounter small icebergs, mercurial Umilak now thinks they’re crazy to follow the orca into the ice fields. Yes, the icebergs could easily crush the boat but this gets Nolan to thinking: if they get far enough north, the water will be iced over completely and the whale will need to break through it to breathe, making it a sitting duck. Determined, now more than ever, Nolan says they’ll continue north where he will either kill the whale -- or watch it drown.

Again! the orca withdraws and doesn’t finish them off, giving Rachel and Nolan a chance to talk some more. *Groan* Here, Nolan confesses his sins of the past few days. All he wanted to do was make some money, pay off his boat, and return to Ireland. (So that explains the accent.) As he grows more morose, knowing tomorrow is the final day of the fight (-- If you only had brought more dynamite), Nolan declares the orca loved his family more than he loved his -- and that finally gets him in the sack with Rachel.

Completely smushed, Nolan's body slides into the sea and, in the film's final insult, assumes a crucifixion pose as it slowly sinks below the waves. As Rachel watches all of this, we hear the approaching helicopter. Then Morricone cranks up the "Love Theme from Orca" as the whale swims further north under the ice cap. His wife and child dead, and his enemy vanquished, I’m assuming the whale is committing suicide. And the instrumental is really kind of touching and tugs on the old heartstrings -- until someone starts warbling some hilariously bad lyrics to the music, and whoever wrote and sung it obviously uses English as a second language. Wow.

Spring has sprung and that, for those of us who are cursed with large yards, means it’s time to head to the garage and pray the old Briggs and Stratton two-banger on your mower will fire up and hold together for one more season. I tackled and reclaimed my yard today. What a mess. Yeah, I probably should have mowed it at least one more time last fall but I absolutely detest yard work. Anyway, I’d banged out the synopsis for Orca the night before and all that was left was to add production notes and my snarky comments on what I thought about the film; but I wasn’t sure where to start. Stick with me, this will be relevant in a second. See, I was almost done with the backyard when something tragic happened. I swear to god I didn’t see it, but when the engine bogged down for a brief moment, I knew what probably happened, and when my mulcher belched out the remnants of a foot-long garter snake it was confirmed. 

Unlike most people, I have a live and let live policy on snakes and I felt really bad about killing the poor thing. (Honestly, I didn’t see him.) But then it hit me: Maybe garter snakes mate for life, too? Maybe its mate was now circling in the shrubs, waiting for me to go inside the house, so it could set my garage on fire to lure me back out and claim it's bloody revenge, and then slither onto Blaine St. and get flattened by a truck. 

These infamous words (spoken in broken English with a thick Italian accent) were muttered by the even more infamous film producer, Dino de Laurentiis. For those of you unfamiliar with this Italian treasure, Laurentiis is a very successful film producer who in the late 1970's, for some inexplicable reason, became hell-bent on trying to outdo JAWS at the box-office and create his very own blockbuster. That infamous quote came out when Laurentiis’ much ballyhooed remake of King Kong was due to the hit the theaters in 1976. His promise of incredible special-effects, including a giant robot Kong, came back to haunt him because we all know how that turned out. Most of Kong’s scenes were played by Rick Baker in a monkey suit, and the giant prop robot only appeared, static and rather clumsily, if memory serves, in only two scenes; when Kong is first revealed in New York, and after he fell off the World Trade Center. And in the end, the movie was a critical disaster and a shambles at the box office.

Starting out as another chapter in the 1970's genre of ecological revenge flicks, where man is portrayed as the real monster, Orca then, for some strange reason, pulls a 180-degree turn on us and clumsily tries to make Nolan the injured party, and the whale becomes a complete psycho. If a whale can be psychotic. They are the most intelligent creatures on the planet, right? It’s maddening, really, how many times the movie, personified by Rampling, switches sides. I know I was ready to strangle her. Speaking honestly, the film would be much better served if it could settle on who really is supposed to be the bad guy. I know I was rooting for the whale.

Okay, that’s enough.