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Okey-dokey,
then, we'll start this review with a
slight disclaimer: The film we are about
to encounter is a cartoon -- a
cartoon that carries an X-Rating.
E'yup, we're about to enter the world of
vintage Toon Porn, so fair warning that
the review and language to follow will definitely
venture into non-Comic Code approved
territory. So check your morals at the
door, I'll promise to keep my pants on
if you'll keep yours on, and now, let us
proceed...
We
open in a courtroom about 100 leagues
south of the Mason Dixon line where a
judge promptly brings the proceedings to
order by banging his gavel on the bench.
Calling for the first witness for the
defense in The People vs. Mother Goose,
the witness in question is none other than
Mother Goose herself. (Hal Smith,
in drag, most notable for playing Otis the
drunk in The
Andy Griffith Show,
but also provided the voice for the Owl in
the Winnie
the Pooh
cartoons and Gyro Gearloose in Ducktales
for Disney.)
Actually, Mother Goose is the defendant in
this trial. Brought up on obscenity
charges for "murdering our children's
most moralistic teachings," her defense is that
she was only telling the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth and that
all the characters in Make-Believe Land
really only have one thing on the brain:
fornication. And to prove this, she'll
testify to what really happened in those
old fairy tales, beginning with the tale
of Jack and the Beanstalk...
...This
new account alters way, way off course
from the standard version we all know to show how much
of pervert stuttering Jack really was. (And
even though he's not listed in the
credits, I'm fairly certain that's Frank
Welker voicing Jack.) Seriously,
this guy
would screw a brush pile if he thought
there was a rabbit in it, and to prove this we get
to watch him masturbate into knothole of a
tree while spying on his pet frog teasing a
young milk maid below. (Think
French Tickler via amphibious forked
tongue.) But a squirrel kinda ruins the mood
by taking a bite (OW!) out of the invader
-- the knothole was the varmint's home --
and the girl chases the peeping Tom off.
Unsatisfied,
young Jack turns his attention to the
family cow and starts suckling off the teats
while jacking off. His mother catches him
in the act and forces him to take the cow
into town to sell off before her idiot
offspring goes blind. Along the way, Jack
is accosted by a Pimpey, the long lost 8th
dwarf, who gets off exposing himself to
unwary travelers. He tries to trade some
porn for the cow, but Jack won't sell. But
he does agree to trade it to a gypsy girl
with large hooters for some magic beans
and a little [censored]-sucky. Mom, of
course, is a little upset by the trade and
chucks the beans outside. Later, while he
sleeps, Jack has a wet-dream about the
gypsy girl and his volcanic ejaculation
dowses the beans and a giant, phallic
beanstalk erupts out of the grown and
races toward the clouds.
Hiking
to the top, Jack finds a giant castle and
is drawn inside by the strange siren call
that makes all the animals, furniture and
food inside the place hot to trot -- in
a biblical sense. Finding the source
to be a magic harp in the shape of a
naked, busty nymph, Jack immediately
starts to molest it until a giantess
lumbers on scene. Dumbstruck by the
giant's monolithic mammeries, Jack flings
himself onto her chest and starts
suckling. Not wanting him to have all the
fun, the giantess then uses Jack as a...well,
pleasuring
device. (Oh. My. God.)
They keep at it until her husband comes
home and announces he's hornier than a
warthog in heat. And Jack's only refuge
from being ground into powder for bread is
the giant cavern of the ladies' vagina,
where he's safe until the husband, who's
had a bad day on the golf course, decides
to put "his 8-iron into her sand
trap." Words fail me as Jack rides
the battering ram until it blows, and then
he washes out in the refuse. Luckily for
him, the giant is none to bright and
mistakes him for a newborn son. (And
that sound you just heard was my notepad
being chucked into the air.)
And
they all lived happily ever after...
...Back
in the courtroom, everyone from the court
stenographer to the jury is visibly
aroused by the raunchy tale. And that
includes the judge who overrules the prosecutors
vehement objections to these steamy tales.
(Were we listening to the same
story?) Wanting to hear more, the
judge orders Mother Goose to continue. And
after a few false starts, she continues
with the true tale of Cinderella...
...Which
begins with an ugly old hag named Morta
visiting the Wicked Witch of Whang.
Needing to find herself a husband, and
more importantly, an easy source of income
for her and her two similarly visaged
daughters, Morta sets her sights on the
widower Fortunato. The witch gives her
a love potion that tricks him into
thinking she's a beautiful maiden -- so
beautiful he marries her on the spot.
Unfortunately, when the spell wears off,
Fortunato is so aghast at his new wife's
looks he takes the money and runs, leaving
his daughter, Cinderella, behind to fend
for herself. This, of course, brings on
the wicked step-mother act and poor
Cinderella must wait on on her and her incestuous
step-sisters 24-7. (Ugh.)
Meanwhile,
the Prince of the land is in desperate
need of a Princess, so a Grande Ball is
announced and all the local maidens are to
attend this cattle call with possible
nuptials to follow. Cinderella wants to
go, but Morta won't let her and orders
that she get to work on dresses for her
own daughters. Later, after the others
leave, Cinderella tries to piece together
the leftover scraps into something
presentable, determined to make it to the
Ball and meet the Prince. Suddenly, in a
flash of light, her fairy god-mother
appears. But the daffy old bat's spells
constantly misfire, and Cinderella is
turned into a pumpkin. She keeps trying,
misfiring, transmogrifying, and things
just go from bad to worse.
At
the ball, the Prince is having anything
but. The proceedings then come to a
screeching halt when a giant, floating
cake enters the ballroom and settles to
the ground. Then, popping out of the top,
Cinderella emerges clad in a thong bikini
made from the scraps.
The Prince is smitten, Cinderella loses
the bikini; there's rainbows, starbursts
and an Alan Parsons Project
inspired lightshow and musical number
while these two try to do the horizontal
bop. When the clock strikes twelve,
however, Cinderella disappears before they
can do the deed, leaving no tell-tale
glass slipper behind. But the Prince feels
he can recognize this beautiful virgin, and sets
about to find her. Alas, he can't -- he
can't even find a virgin in all the
kingdom until he finally stumbles upon
Morta's house. She tries to pawn of her
daughters (-- who come to think of it,
are almost clones of Carol Burnett's
mop-n-bucket character --) to the
Prince, but he spies Cinderella and his
search is over. Taking her into the
garden, he gives her the, well -- Royal
Seal of Approval.
And
they all lived happily ever...WHOA! Hold
the phone. Turns out the Prince was a
philandering deadbeat, the kingdom soon
goes to pot, and Cinderella is saddled
with about dozen offspring, an STD thanks
to Prince Chuckle-head, and then the
bitchy in-laws move in! Well that sucks...
...Back
in the courtroom, Mother Goose testifies
that most of her fairy tales ended in
disaster like that, and that the other,
more happy endings are nothing but
glorified bull-twaddle. The gallery
continues to swelter and slather, and the
judge, with a lecherous eye on the chesty
stenographer, orders the defendant to
continue. She does, but seems to get
several stories jumbled together while
talking about Jack Sprat's affair
with Mary Mary Quite Contrary.
Backing up, Mother Goose takes another run
at it. But she still seems a might addled
because her next tale seems to combine
elements from Little Red Riding Hood
and The Three Billy Goats Gruff...
...We
find Red in a bed, where she awakens and
realizes she's late for a wedding. With
the help of several woodland creatures,
she dresses quickly and sets out on the
path to the church. Along the way, she
runs into several men who demand a toll
before she can pass. Without any money,
the ogling men gladly take it out in
trade. This happens several times, and
with each sexual encounter Red loses more
and more of her inhabitations -- and
clothing, so that by the time she reaches
her last obstacle before the church, she's
plumb starkers. The last obstacle in
question is a bridge and the dreaded troll
who lives underneath it. Thinking she has
to pay another toll to pass, Red is surprised
when it turns out the
troll is a flaming homosexual. His payment
demands are some Billy Goat's Muff or
having her round-up one of those studly
woodsmen she's already encountered.
Terminally late already, Red doesn't have
the time, but luckily, the Troll's old
boyfriend shows up. And as the old lovers
happily reunite, Red scampers across the
bridge and onto the church.
Naked
as a j-bird, Red interrupts the ceremony.
Seeing her beauty, the groom quickly
sprouts a painful woody. The naive Red
sees this and misunderstands. Thinking she
needs to pay admission to enter the
church, Red asks to kiss the groom,
kneels, and proceeds to give the hardened
man a [censored]. The Friar consoles the
bride with much wine, and soon they're
going at it. And then the whole
congregation joins in and a massive orgy
ensues...
...We
cut cut back to the courtroom where a
similar scene has erupted. Mother Goose
slowly shakes her head and admits her
guilt, saying this is why she hardly ever
tells what really happened in Make-Believe
Land. Case dismissed.
And
They All Lived Happily Hornily
Ever After...
Animator
Don Jurwich broke into the business during
Warner Brother's last, futile gasps to
keep the Looney Tunes going in the
mid-1960s, writing a couple of Road
Runner and Daffy Duck vs. Speedy
Gonzalez shorts. He then jumped over
to United Artists and churned out a couple
Pink Panther theatrical pieces and
worked on the syndicated Pink
Panther
and Tom
and Jerry
TV shows. He jumped ship again and landed
at Hanna Barbera where he had a hand in
the Super
Friends
and the ruination of
Scooby-Doo
with the introduction of Scrappy.
He also ram-rodded the adaptation of Frank
Marshall's Happy
Days
into the time-traveling oddity The
Fonz and the Happy Days Gang
and later, in the 1980s, oversaw the
half-hour long G.I.
Joe
toy commercials for Hasbro.
At
some point, in the mid-1970s, Jurwich
crossed paths with producer William B.
Siberkleit. Siberkleit was no stranger to
the exploitation business with films like The
Centerfold Girls,
Linda
Lovelace for President
and Detroit
9000,
and needing a new film for a tax shelter,
he conspired with Jurwich to cash in on
the latest craze of adapting fairy tales
into raunchy, hard-core porn and Once
Upon a Girl...
was born.
According to legend, the film
was cobbled together by several
moonlighting animators from Disney
studios. The animation is crude and the
storyline even cruder, filled with
lewd jokes that teeter somewhere between
raunchy and lame. I think they were
trying for camp, but on this they
misfired, or were shooting blanks, so they
hedged their bet with lots and lots of naked cartoons
humping each other -- all to a skanky, synthesized soundtrack by
Marty Slavin who also scored The
Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio.
Of course, being animated, anything goes
and, believe me, everything went! And
according to Siberkleit, most of the
animators working on the film were female
and they were the ones who came up with
the raunchier scenes -- some so raunchy
they had to be left out.
Long
ago relegated to bootlegs, Severin
Films has finally released an Uncut,
Uncensored and Incredibly Unsuitable for
Children version of Once
Upon a Girl...
on DVD. And if you want, you can
click on over to their website and see
a preview that's available online.
I'm
not the biggest fan of porn, soft or hard,
and unless it's bat-crap insane along the
likes of Flesh
Gordon
and Alice
in Wonderland
it seldom holds my interest for very long.
This vintage Toon Porn definitely fits into
that bat-crap insane category, and coming
in at a brief 71-minutes, Once
Upon a Girl...
doesn't overstay its welcome. Don't get me
wrong, all 71-minutes are gratuitous but
just when you think it might trip and fall
into a pit of tedium, it peels off another
layer of prevision that drops our jaws
just a little bit further, so we continue
to watch, unbelieving, wondering what in
the heck is gonna happen next.
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