Gentle reader, we, the editors of 3B Theater, believe that it would be prudent at this juncture to warn you that the following review is chock full of nasty venom. You see, this particular film shook the reviewer to his very foundation and brought into question his beliefs and philosophies on bad film. 

In other words, he really hates this movie.

You shut up. (I hate that guy.) Where were we? Oh, yes:

While Rick (Kerwin Matthews), the leader of the expedition, rants about the plight of the villagers, Mort (David Essex), his assistant, collects more water samples and makes a startling discovery: on the waters edge, he finds a baby octopus-thingy squealing like a stuck pig. How do we know it’s a baby? Easy. We’ve already seen the adult version wiggling around during the opening credits. When Mort shows his find to Rick and his pal, Susan (Pier Angeli), she comments on how it appears to "have a brain behind its eyes." Rick postulates that it's a hybrid, or a mutation, of some kind and asks to see where it was found. They return to the marsh and promptly release it. The creature squeals louder and, as Susan ominously points out, appears to be calling out for something.

Off in the distance we see Octaman (a rather spiffy monster-suit by Rick Baker that is completely wasted in this film), watching them through the brush. And already he seems smitten with Susan. Declaring it the scientific find of the century, they recapture the little booger and haul him back to their camp. The thing and its environment demands further study but they’re out of money, so Rick and Susan head for civilization with their new find looking for more funding, leaving Mort with Victim #1 and Victim #2 behind to watch the camp. Sure enough, later that night, Victim #1 has found another baby Octaman. And as he prepares to dissect it in the name of science, Daddy/Mommy? Octaman comes to the rescue and bitch slaps Victim #1 to death, scoops up it's baby, and returns to the marsh.

Rick takes the hybrid mutation to the Ecological Institute to consult with a Dr. Willard (Jeff Morrow). Certain he’s discovered a shift in the evolutionary process, Rick wants the Institutes backing to prove it. But Willard pooh-poohs the whole thing, saying there are more important things endangering the environment to throw money at then studying a half-man/half-octopus. With no luck in academia, Rick turns to Johnny Caruso: philanthropist, rancher and circus owner. Caruso sees there’s a lot of money to be made with this new sideshow attraction and agrees to bankroll the expedition. He brings Steve (Buck Kartalain), his top wrangler, to help capture the beast, and then they all hop into Caruso's RV and head back to Rick’s camp.

Later, we find out that Mort and Victim #2 were off in the local village for a fiesta when they return with the town’s police chief, Victim #4, and Davido -- the local expert on the legend of the Octaman. Davido wows them with tales his grandma told him about the legend of a half-man half-serpent monster. (Complete with drawings I might add.) He then relates how his father was killed by el Hombre de Ocho. (The monster turned his father into an unfortunate looking dummy and threw him off a cliff.) He also claims that he can lead them to Octaman’s home. 

Why bother?!? The damn thing is right over there! See! He’s looking right at you! Aarrgghh!!

Though the Jefé and Victim #4 make fun of Davido and his tales, Rick believes him. When they start to break camp, the Jefé asks for some water for their long trip back and accidentally takes a container with another baby Octaman in it. (And when the hell did they catch that one?!)

When our expedition arrives at what looks like the very same spot they just left, while they set up camp, Mort and Steve get into a deep philosophical discussion about God and creation. Seems Mort thinks we’re all just a bunch of mistakes in progress. (Just like this movie!) Meanwhile, Octaman is still a stones throw away, wiggling his tentacles. (He’s right over there, damn it!) As the discussion turns toward the mutations and deformities in Japan brought on by the A-bomb, Susan is entranced by the call of nature again and wanders off. And the closer she gets to the water's edge, the high-pitched wailing and jump cuts start again. Seeing she’s entranced again, Rick asks what it is she’s hearing. Susan says it’s some kind of whispering that she can’t get away from and feels like she’s being watched.

You are! He’s right there! Open your damn eyes! He just turned that alligator into an unfortunate looking dummy and killed it. How could you miss that?! Okay, focus; find a happy place. Let's continue.

Having found another baby critter, Davido brings it back to the camp. Certain he’s found the nest, Rick and Mort follow him back to take a look. Meanwhile, Susan and Caruso argue over the semantics between dissection and autopsy. He then drops the "women belong in the kitchen" bomb on her. She gets mad and leaves to go and find Rick. Steve, whose smitten, goes after her, leaving Caruso and Victim #2 alone when Octaman wiggles into camp and opens a can of eight-legged whup-ass. It kills Caruso and Victim #2, then gathers up junior and shambles off.

All right! Five more and this film can be put out of its misery! Octaman! Octaman! Octaman!

The others return and find Caruso isn’t quite dead yet (Damn!) and the new specimen gone. Caruso claims it was a giant monster that attacked him, so while he and Susan wait in the RV, the others go hunting for the creature. Seemingly safe inside, the two continue their earlier fight over women's lib while Octaman closes in. Again, Caruso manages to piss her off but this time, when she tries to leave, she runs right into the waiting tentacles of Octaman. Susan manages to get away and get clear before Caruso starts shooting at it. He proves a crack-shot, driving the monster back into the marsh. Hearing the firefight, the others come rushing back. Scared shitless, Caruso thinks they need to get out while they still can but he’s out voted; the others want to take one more crack at capturing it. 

You know, I’d love to give the film some originality points for this because the moneyman wants to get out first, but don’t hold your breath.

I'm not exactly sure what the plan is when Rick, Mort and Steve hop in a boat and putter out into the marsh, but Octaman promptly attacks them. Steve manages to whack off one of it's tentacles but Mort is severely injured before they drive it off. Back in the camp, Davido hears the commotion and goes to investigate, leaving our favorite bickering couple alone again. Luckily, Octaman -- whose amazing regenerative powers have grown him a new tentacle already! -- attacks the camp and knocks Caruso around again. Susan comes to his rescue by throwing a lantern at it and the monster warbles in pain. Back in the boat, the men find Davido waiting on shore. Rick leads the charge back to the campsite where that huge fire has magically put itself out (-- actually there’s absolutely no trace of it --) and el Hombre de Ocho has gathered an unconscious Susan in his tentacles and shambles off. Rick and Steve give chase and discover that the monster doesn’t like having a flashlight shined in his eyes. Rick tells Steve to keep distracting it because he’s got an idea:

Rick's absolutely MacGuyveresque plan works as el Octo is quickly dehydrated, and after he deftly jumps through the *snicker* intense fire and saves Susan -- He must have held his breath. I mean, there’s no oxygen left in there, right? Hee-hee - the fire dies out and they drop a net over the prostate monster. (Do they secure the net? Hell no. That would make sense. What do you think?) Using tranquilizers to keep the creature quiet, Caruso (and nope, he’s still not dead) wants to load him up and head for home but he’s out voted, again (I demand a recount!) because the others want to make a study of its natural habitat.

Meanwhile, guess who the rains have revived? Octaman easily throws off the net and attacks and pummels Mort; but Susan, using her feminine wiles, distracts him and he shambles off. When the others investigate the commotion, Caruso still wants to leave but Davido says he can lead them to Octo's hidden lair. 

What hidden lair?! Look! He’s right over there!

So they pile into the RV and head further into the wilderness, leaving us with the question as to why Davido didn't take them to this damn secret lair in the first place. They round a corner but find the road is blocked by a bunch of trees. (Sound familiar?) As the others try and move the trees, Davido finds some Octaman tracks that lead into a cave. He calls the others over and they decide to explore it.

Six years later, they emerge, right where they started. What did they find in there? NOTHING! More on this later. 

Damn, but this movie has a lot of explaining to do.

They return to the RV but guess who’s inside waiting for them? Caruso opens the door and Octaman jumps out. (How in the heck did he get in there?!) Using a flying pinwheel attack with all his arms, Octaman knocks everybody out except Susan (-- and this time I think he really did kill Caruso but I can’t confirm it.) But she manages to get a hold of Steve’s pistol before the monster wraps her up again, knocking her out, and carries her off toward the marsh. When the others recover and give chase, Rick won’t let Steve shoot at it with his rifle because he might hit Susan. They do cut the monster off from the water and are stalemated until Susan wakes up and shoots Octaman, point blank, in the chest. When he drops her, the others open fire. After taking several hits, the Octaman stumbles into the water and disappears, leaving the others to watch as the surfacing bubbles quickly peters out.

Octaman is, was, and ever shall be thee biggest, knee-buckling curve I’ve ever encountered or endured -- topping even The Howling VII: New Moon Rising (or, as I like to refer to it, Howling VII: No Werewolf in Sight - Honky-Tonk Armageddon.) Octaman shall be the litmus test for all 18^th Amendment films to follow.

Dr. Freex warned us all over at The Bad Movie Report. He states that the film caught him off guard, too, and should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention. I did a little research and, would you believe it, stuck in the middle of the treatise on the ban of chemical weapons and the regs for what to do with a deposed dictator, is a warning, scrawled in crayon, to avoid Octaman at all costs. (Well, there wasn't, but there is now!)

I tried to fast forward to where I lost it by consulting my notes. They too started crisp and clear but slowly degenerated and lost cohesion. There were even a few death threats that my subconscious left for me among the doodles for subjecting it to El Hombre de Ocho. So having no clue where I left off, being the idiot that I am, I just started over. THREE TIMES!

The "Caucasian Monster Immunity Clause" also got a little old as only the local natives are killed. Johnny, Mort, and Rick are slapped around a lot, and even presumed dead a couple times, but always manage to survive. (Okay, I think Caruso is killed at the end, but still. Sheesh.)

And then there’s that whole cave thing where they wandered around for what seemed like a year (Fourteen minutes of actual screen time), but absolutely nothing happens. They go into a cave. They walk around. They come out of the cave. That's it. And that's not an exaggeration. It doesn’t advance the plot one iota; it’s just there to pad the film and drive the viewer deeper into insanity.

The thing is, before that cave scene, you could almost smell that the film was about to end. (Hell, then again, I thought it was almost over when they burned him in the circle of fire.) And I can't stress enough how much you reeeeally want it to end at this point. And yet they go on one more tangent, right into that cave, but nothing happens and they end up right back where the started, again!, at the RV. This all could be forgiven if maybe the cave led to Octo’s hidden lair, but no.

You’ve been warned. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and put my crayons away.

Posted: 11/19/00. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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