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Gentle
reader, we, the editors of 3B
Theater, believe
it would be prudent, at this juncture, to warn you that the
following review is chock full of nasty venom. This particular film
shook the reviewer to his foundation and brought into question his
beliefs and philosophies on bad film.
In
other words, he really hates this movie.
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Our
washed out piece-o-crap...
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Told
ya!
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You
shut up. (I
hate that guy.)
Where were we? Oh, yes.
Our
washed out piece-o-crap begins south of the border. A bunch of tree
hugging eco-terrorists, perform an ecological study on the
environmental impact of radiation fallout from nuclear bomb tests.
They
find a mutated Octopus monster. Then they all walked around in a big
circle. Then the octopus monster shook his tentacles. Then the
scientists sat around. Then they all walked around in a big circle.
Then the octopus monster shook his tentacles. Then the scientists
sat around. Then they all walked around in a big circle.
Then
they went into a cave.
Then
the octopus monster died.
There
was much rejoicing.
The
end
This
movie sucks ass.
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Gentle
reader, we, the editors of 3B
Theater, would
like to apologize for those first few paragraphs. The writer is in
the process of an attitude adjustment with a two-by-four. Did we
mention he hates this movie?
We’ll
be right back.
*whack*
*whack*
*whack*
*whack*
*THUNK*
Let's
try this again.
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We
begin south of the border, in Mexico, where a group of scientists
are investigating the environmental impact of radiation fallout from
the nuclear bomb tests. The results of the blood tests performed on
the locals isn't very good. They are all contaminated due to their
main dietary staple of irradiated fish.
Rick
(Kerwin Matthews),
the leader of the expedition, rants
about the plight of the villagers. Meanwhile, Mort, his assistant,
is collecting more water samples and makes a startling discovery. On
the waters edge he finds a baby octopus-thingy squealing like a
stuck pig.
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How
do we know it’s a baby? Easy. We’ve already seen the adult
version wiggling around during the opening credits. Back to the
review.
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Mort
shows his find to Rick and his pal, Susan (Pier
Angeli).
She comments on how it appears to "have a brain behind its
eyes." Rick postulates that it's a hybrid, or a mutation, of
some kind and asks to see where he found it. They return to the
marsh and release it. The creature squeals louder and, as Susan
ominously points out, appears to be calling for something.
Off
in the distance we see Octaman, watching them through the brush.
Already he seems smitten with Susan. They recapture the little
booger and claim it to be the scientific find of the century. It
also calls for further study, but they’re out of money, so Rick
and Susan head for civilization with their new find looking for more
funding. They leave Mort with Victim #1 and Victim #2 behind to
watch the camp.
Later
that night Victim #1 has found another baby Octaman. As he prepares
to dissect it, in the name of science, Daddy Octaman comes to the
rescue and bitch slaps Victim #1 to death. It scoops up it's baby
and returns to the marsh.
Rick
takes Mort’s discovery to the Ecological Institute to consult with
Dr. Willard (Jeff Morrow).
Rick is certain he’s discovered a
shift in the evolutionary process and wants the Institutes backing.
Willard pooh-poohs the whole thing saying there are more important
things endangering the environment to throw money at then studying a
half-man half-octopus.
Rick
then turns to Johnny Caruso, philanthropist, rancher and circus
owner. Caruso sees there’s money to be made with a new sideshow
attraction and agrees to bankroll the expedition. He recruits Steve,
his top cow wrangler, to help capture the beast. They all hop into
Caruso's RV and head for Rick’s camp.
They
return to the camp and find the mangled body of Victim #1 but Mort
and Victim #2 are nowhere to be found. While the men tend to the
body, Susan is mysteriously drawn to the marsh. A strange
high-pitched music plays and we cut from Susan's eyes to Octo's in
rapid succession. She's enthralled until Rick arrives and snaps her
out of it.
Later
we find out that Mort and Victim #2 were off in the local village
for a fiesta. They return with the town’s police chief, Victim #4
and Davido, the local expert on the legend of the Octaman. Davido
wows them with tales his grandma told him about the legend of a
half-man half-serpent monster.
(Complete with drawings I might add.)
He then relates how his father was killed by el Hombre de Ocho.
(The monster turned his father into an unfortunate looking dummy and
threw him off a cliff.)
He also says that he can lead them to Octaman’s home. (But
the damn thing is right over there! See! He’s looking right at
you!)
The
Jefé and Victim #4 make fun of Davido but Rick believes him. They
start to break camp. The Jefé asks for some water for their long
trip back. He accidentally takes a container with another baby
Octaman in it and heads home. (When
the hell did they catch that one?!)
So
the RV’s off to who knows where but, fear not, we’re treated to
a long protracted scene of the stalk and kill of the Jefé and
Victim #4. Yep, Octaman waits until they get all the way home before
he pounces on them and we get to watch every - stinking - step they
took along the way.
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Okay,
at this point I was giggling like an idiot because I finally
realized that the film's electronic soundtrack sounds just like the
soundtrack for the old Asteroids arcade game. God help us all. Back
to the review.
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Our
expedition arrives in what looks like the same spot they just left
and set up camp. Mort and Steve get into a deep philosophical
discussion about God and creation. Mort thinks we’re just a bunch
of mistakes in progress. (Just
like this movie!)
Meanwhile,
Octaman is still a stones throw away, wiggling his tentacles. (He’s
right over there damn it!)
The discussion turns towards the mutations and deformities in Japan
brought on by the A-bomb but Susan is entranced by nature again and
wanders off.
She
goes to the water’s edge when the high-pitched wailing and jump
cuts start again. Rick sees she’s entranced and asks what she’s
hearing. Susan says it’s some kind of whispering that she can’t
get away from and feels like she’s being watched.
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You
are! He’s right there! Open your eyes! He just turned that
alligator into an unfortunate looking dummy and killed it. How could
you miss that?! Okay, focus, find a happy place. Let's continue.
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Davido
has found another baby critter and brings it back to the camp.
Certain he’s found the nest, Rick and Mort follow him back to take
a look. Meanwhile, Susan and Caruso argue over the semantics between
dissection and autopsy. He then drops the "women belong in the
kitchen" bomb on her. She gets mad and leaves to go and find
Rick. Steve likes her and goes after her leaving Caruso and Victim
#2 alone.
Octaman
wiggles into camp. He opens a can of eight-legged whup-ass and kills
Caruso and Victim #2. (All
right five more and this film can be put out of its misery!)
Octaman gathers up junior and shambles off.
The
others return and find Caruso isn’t quite dead (Damn!)
and the
new specimen is gone. Caruso claims it was a giant monster that
attacked him.
So,
while Caruso and Susan wait in the RV, the others go hunting for
Octaman. They continue their earlier fight while Octaman closes in.
Again Caruso manages to piss her off. She tries to leave but runs
right into Octaman.
She
manages to scramble back inside while Caruso starts shooting at it.
He hits it, several times, driving it off back into the marsh.
Hearing the shots the others come back. Caruso thinks they need to
get out while they still can but he’s out voted. The others want
to take one more crack at capturing it. (I’d
love to give the film originality points for this because the
moneyman wants to get out but don’t hold your breath.)
Rick,
Mort and Steve hop in a boat and putter out into the marsh where
Octaman attacks them. Steve manages to whack off one of it's
tentacles and drive it off but Mort is severely injured in the
attack. Back in the camp, Davido hears the commotion and goes to
investigate, leaving our favorite bickering couple alone again.
Octaman
(whose
amazing regenerative powers have grown him a new tentacle already!)
attacks
the camp and knocks Caruso around again.
Susan throws a lantern at it and Octo screams in pain. Back in
the boat, the men have given up on the faulty motor and row ashore
where Davido waits for them. They tell him to watch Mort while they
head for camp.
Meanwhile,
at the camp, the fires out (actually
there’s absolutely no trace of it.)
Octo has gathered
Susan in his tentacles and heads for home. Rick and Steve spot them
and give chase. They discover that the monster doesn’t like having
a flashlight shined in his eyes. Rick tells Steve to keep
distracting it because he’s got an idea.
Rick
grabs a gas can and dumps it in a circle around the monster. He then
lights it, surrounding Octo in a ring of fire. He tells Steve to
back off because the fire will eat up all the oxygen - thus subduing
the creature.
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And
with that, brilliant statement, my notes were launched into the air.
I started cackling like an idiot, threw up the white flag and
officially surrendered. Continue the review at your own risk.
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His
MacGuyveresque plan works as Octo is quickly dehydrated and drops
Susan. Rick deftly jumps through the *snicker* intense fire
and saves her. (He
must have held his breath. I mean - there’s no oxygen left in
there - right? Hee-hee.)
The
fire dies out and they drop a net over the prostate monster.
(Do they secure the net? Hell no. What did you think?)
They use tranquilizers to keep the creature quiet. Caruso
( and nope, he’s still not dead)
wants to load him up and head for home but he’s out voted, again (I
demand a recount!),
as the others want to make a study of its natural habitat.
And
then the rains came. Mort is snoozing on guard duty so Susan wakes
him up. They start going through the whole Beauty and the Beast
scenario.
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At
this point, the film gave me a bad case of déjà vu. This is the
exact same scene that Julie Adams and Whit Bissel had in
The Creature from
the Black Lagoon.
Then I found out
why. More on this later.
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Meanwhile,
guess who the rains revived? Octaman attacks Mort but Susan uses her
feminine wiles on him so he drops the attack and shambles off. The
others investigate the commotion. Caruso still wants to leave but
Davido says he can lead them to Octo's hidden lair. (What
hidden lair?! He’s right over there!)
So
they pile into the RV and head further into the wilderness, leaving
us with the question as to why Davido didn't take them to this damn
secret lair in the first place. They round a corner but find the
road is blocked by a bunch of trees. (Sound
familiar?) While the others try
and move the trees, Davido finds some Octaman tracks that lead into
a cave. He calls the others over and they decide to explore it.
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Six
years later, they emerge, right where they started. What
did they find in there? NOTHING! More on this later. Damn this movie
has a lot of explaining to do.
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They
return to the RV but guess who’s inside waiting for them? Caruso
opens the door and Octaman jumps out. (How
in the heck did he get in there?!) He does a flying pinwheel
with all his arms knocking everybody out except Susan (and
this time I think he really did kill Caruso but I can’t confirm
it.) Susan manages to get a hold of Steve’s pistol before
Octo wraps her up again, knocking her out. He then carries her off
towards the marsh.
The
others recover and give chase. Rick won’t let Steve shoot at it
with his rifle because he might hit Susan. They cut the monster off
from the water and are stalemated. Susan wakes up and shoots
Octaman, point blank, in the chest. He drops her and the others open
fire. Octaman takes several hits then stumbles into the water and
disappears. The others watch as the surfacing bubbles quickly peeter
out.
The
End
THANK
GOD.
When
I came up with the Rating
System for this website, I promised myself that it would take a
real stinkburger to be branded with the 18th
Amendment. As I
said in my Mission
Statement, I love monster movies and the worse they are by
normal standards, the better they are in my book.
I
normally would ferociously defend any film in this genre. But once
in a while, I get a curveball. A nasty surprise that brings my
philosophy to it’s knees sending me into a fetal position - with
thumb planted firmly in mouth - to rethink things for a while.
Octaman
is the biggest, knee-buckling curve I’ve ever encountered or
endured, topping even The
Howling VII: New Moon Rising
(or, as I like to refer to it, Howling
VII: No Werewolf in Sight - Honky-Tonk Armageddon.)
Octaman
shall be the litmus test for all 18th
Amendment films
to follow.
Dr.
Freex warned us all over at The
Bad Movie Report. He states that the film caught him off guard,
too, and should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention. I did a little
research and, would you believe it, stuck in the middle of the
treatise on the ban of chemical weapons and the regs for what to do
with a deposed dictator, is a warning, scrawled in crayon, to avoid Octaman
at all costs. (Well,
there wasn't, but there is now!)
But
I, being the idiot that I am, thought - "How bad could it
really be?"
Well,
to start with, it took three Herculean attempts just to get through
the damn thing. The film is the looooongest 90-minutes you’ll ever
have the non-privilege of enduring. I’d make it about a half an
hour in but then things would start to get a little, well, fuzzy.
I’d snap out of this funk only when the snow and static on the TV
brought me back to this plane of reality. Luckily, after the auto
rewind finished it's task, my VCR would regurgitate the tape,
begging for mercy, or I might still be in a stupor.
I
tried to fast forward to where I lost it by
consulting my notes. They too started crisp and clear but slowly
degenerated and lost cohesion. There were even a few death threats
that my subconscious left for me among the doodles for subjecting it
to El Hombre de Ocho. So having no clue where I left off, being the
idiot that I am, I just started over. THREE
TIMES!
Now
you might think I’m exaggerating but I’ve never seen a film that
took so many meandering scenes and slammed them mindlessly into
brick walls the way Octaman
did. There was the psychic link between Susan and Octo that is
suggested but never studied or verified but played a pivotal role in
the film. I mean is Octaman a Mommy or Daddy? If she's a mommy that
unearths a whole other strata of psychosis when thinking about it's
relationship with Susan. Wow. A lesbian monster. The mind boggles.
The
"Caucasian Monster Immunity Clause" also got a little old
as only the local natives are killed. Johnny, Mort and Rick are
slapped around a lot, and even presumed dead a coupla times, but
always manage to survive.
(Okay, I think Caruso is killed at the end, but still. Sheesh.)
And
then there’s that whole cave thing where they wandered around, for
what seemed like a year (14
minutes of actual screen time),
but absolutely nothing happens. They go into a cave. They walk
around. They come out of the cave. It doesn’t advance the plot
it’s just there to pad the film and drive the viewer deeper into
insanity.
The
thing is, before that cave scene, you could almost smell that the
film was about to end. (Hell,
then again, I thought it was almost over when they burned him in the
circle of fire.)
I can't
stress enough how much you reeeeally want it to end at this point.
And yet they go on one more tangent, right into that cave, but
nothing happens and they end up right back at the RV.
(This all could be forgiven if maybe the cave led to Octo’s hidden
lair but no.)
I’m
not exactly sure what Harry Essex was trying to accomplish here. He
wrote The
Creature From the Black Lagoon
so at one point he seemed to know what he was doing. Maybe he
thought he could do better then Jack Arnold? But Octaman
is such a blatant rehash, almost verbatim in some scenes, of The
Creature From the Black Lagoon,
and executed so poorly, that you have to wonder just exactly what
his thinking was. I'd ask what the logic behind it was but I have a
hard time using the word Octaman
and logic in the same sentence.
I
can’t stop you from watching Octaman.
Heck, I had to satisfy my own morbid curiosity but, and not to sound
too cheezy, be careful of what you go dabbling in. You may not like
what you find.
You’ve
been warned. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and put my
crayons away.
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