The Origin of 3B Theater

It seems to be a prerequisite, if you do one of these websites, that a One Year Anniversary column is customary. (That and I couldn’t quite finish the review for Werewolves on Wheels and figured this would be easier.) So here goes.

The move was nothing traumatic. I’d been commuting to my job for about four years and I finally decide to live in the town I worked in. I don’t want to say buying a house is easy - but it was a lot less complicated than I figured. (And in 17 years - it’s all mine.)

Home ownership has it’s up and downs. So far, in one year, I’ve survived a minor fire, a major flood - both caused by yours truly - and I’m patiently awaiting the earthquake. (The flood is a really funny story, but I think I’ll save it for another day. If you can’t wait, email me and I’ll give you all the gory, wet details.)

Aside from my passion for bad film, I must claim baseball as another mania. Like in film, I have a soft spot for lost causes - and have rooted my Chicago Cubs on for almost 15 years. (The lost cause to end all lost causes.)

Back in college, I was a member of Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia - a men’s music fraternity. I received word, through the grapevine, that they’d been asked to sing the national anthem for a Chicago White Sox game. (Alas, a quick glance at the schedule saw the Cubs in Atlanta, so a dream of singing the anthem at Comiskey and hopping the L-Train to Wrigley for the 7^th inning stretch just wasn’t meant to be.)

Well we got lost three times just getting there, but managed to make it to the ballpark in time. (There is a certain level of hell reserved for the Chicago highway system.) I can only describe it as a religious experience - walking on the actual field, past the players in front of 32,000 people. Singing was strange because there was about a three-second delay in the sound system. It’s bizarre to hear yourself singing - while you’re still singing. And those high notes were a lot higher than I remembered.

The game got over and we proceeded to get lost again. Eventually, we escaped Chicago and made it home just in time to go to work. All in all, it was 52 hours of sleep deprived fun - from Wednesday 10am to Friday 1pm. (On the drive back I started seeing giant Snufflelupaguss on the road and was heard to say - "Snuffy! What are you doing here?")

I’d been writing a video review column called The Bargain Bin for the newspaper I work for. It was geared to guide people away from the new release aisles and introduce them to something they might have missed. The articles weren’t genre specific, and I basically had a free hand on the videos I chose. (As long as they didn’t get too weird.)

I love all movies but I have a passion for what Dr. Freex has inspired me to dub the cinema of crap. So I needed an outlet - and a website seemed the obvious solution. (And dare I say - it looked like fun.) I wanted to write about all kinds of films, something along the lines of Daniel Peary’s Cult Movie books. I wanted to talk about films that, I felt, deserved the same cult status. But writing about these cinematically challenged masterpieces was so much fun, that it has dominated the site. (I’ve thought about starting another site dedicated to those films - like Zulu, Battleground and The Naked City.)

The problem was, although I’m not a computer illiterate, HTML coding gives me dysentery because it makes no sense to me. That’s when my good buddy, 'Nekkid Bill', introduced me to the wonderful world of Geocities and, more specifically, their site building for morons program - Geo Builder. 

Now all I needed was a fitting name and rating system for the virgin site. The actual name came from a line in Bob and Doug McKenzie's fine feature film, Strange Brew, which can be summed up that any film can look good through a three-beer haze.

So I had a ready made name and rating system. I whipped up a few graphics, borrowed a few others and used three Bargain Bin reviews, Cannonball Run, Prophecy and Fandango to get started. Then in late October of  '99, 3B Theater was officially launched on the web.

It was a rough beginning. My graphics stunk. (All I have to work with is Windows Paint for crying out loud.) I had no vidcaps and frankly, compared to other B-Movie sites, it was coming off as rather lame.

I limped along into December and was ready to give it up when I made a startling discovery. Without ever realizing it, my computer - that I’d owned for almost two years, had the ability to capture video frames. (I’d used it for a DVD player but had never used the STVPro until I accidentally fired it up and discovered the capture button.)

The year culminated when the newspaper I write for decided to have a B-Movie Film Festival of there own - and wanted me to host it. I threw myself into the role, making the programs (what to watch for and strategic points where audience participation is encouraged), survival certificates and dragging my sorry butt out of bed at 5 a.m. to promote it on the radio. I also concocted a home made short film to show during the break titled Plans 1-8 From Outer Space. I felt it answered the question that's always puzzled me, what plans did the aliens try before resurrecting the dead in the Ed Wood classic.

I enjoyed the heck out that - and I’ve enjoyed doing 3B Theater even more the past year. Sometimes it’s a pain in the butt, getting something posted every week, and sometimes I cheat to get it done. (Like what you’re reading here.) I’ve no intentions of stopping as the source material seems to be endless.

But (uh-oh) the biggest problem facing me is that I’m running out of free space. (Like I said, homeownership leaves little cash lying around to pay for bandwidth.)

What does that mean to you the reader? 

Well, I’m mulling my options right now. I believe I have enough room to make it to 2001, but after that, I don’t know. I’ve contemplated going bi-weekly with the updates, to conserve space, and streamline everything. (5 vidcaps per review etc.) So some big changes are coming and some decisions have to be made. (Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.)

I also want to get better with my writing. I don’t date my reviews but it’s pretty obvious, if you browse around, which ones are older. I think they’ve progressively gotten better (more funny and insightful, too, I hope) but there is still room for improvement.

I also someday want to earn a spot in the B-Masters Cabal. (A guys gotta think big.) I also have every intentions of braving the streets of Chicago again to attend the B-Fest in January. Hope to see you all there.

We've Been Saved!