Two of the really neglected crap-genres on this website are the 1980s action film and T&A flicks (Tits and Ass for those of you not familiar with the vernacular.)

So to rectify that situation, in one fell swoop, I decided to tackle a man who’s mere name can make even the toughest bad movie critic wince. A man known as the King of T&E flicks (Tits and Explosions.) A man whose penchant for record numbers of naked boob shots and casts littered with former Playboy Playmates, places him a mere one notch above Albert Pyun on the cinematic crap scale. 

I'm talking about the one, and only, Andy Sidaris. No director represents the '80s action movie to me more then Sidaris. And the film we’re going to look at is Malibu Express, the pinnacle of his work made infamous by the appearance of 72 bare boobies (Count them!).

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We open on a typist with long red press on nails typing the credits into a computer. (And five bucks says it's Andy's wife and producer, Arlene.) Our anticipation grows as the readout promises us not only four former Playboy Playmates, but 1984’s Miss Overdrive, and also one former Mr. Arizona and one former Mr. Universe. (And we keep an eye on the clock counter to see how quick it is before our first nude scene.)

The movie proper begins in a parking lot and focus on a red DeLorean roaring into that lot. The door flips up and out steps Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton), private detective, good old boy and god’s gift to women (who looks like Bo Duke with a Thomas Magnum mustache.) He walks into a firing range and produces a huge .44 magnum. The instructor sets up the target and puts it in motion. Cody takes aim and fires. He hits everything -- but the target. He shrugs, puts the gun away and leaves. (Establishing that Cody is a horrible shot. I smell high hilarity as a result of this later in the show.)

Cut to a racetrack. Cody watches a souped up I-Roc roar around the track and then pull into the pits. Out pops the driver (Lynda Wiesmeier) and we notice her dangerous curves. You get the sense that with the way all the women so far have looked at him, Cody has quite a few notches on his gun belt (if you know what I mean.)

Cody follows the driver into the locker room. We see her name tag and it reads: June Knhockers (With an "H" and we wonder if that’s a Scandinavian or German name.) She slithers out of her suit (and a quick glance at the running time shows 2 minutes-36 seconds in) and (Surprise!) she ain’t wearing a dang thing underneath. Cody announces that her *ahem* rack - and driving - are just dynamite.

Cody heads home to the Marina and his boat, the Malibu Express. He’s greeted by Doug Wilton (Robert Darnell) and the rest of the Marina Committee who want Cody and his eyesore of a boat out of the harbor. The PI points out his daddy established the Marina, so they’re permanent residents and to take it up with him. They would but his dad entered a regatta with an all girl crew and his been lost at sea for five days. Cody says he isn’t lost. (Har-har.)

He boards the boat and finds two girls, Faye and Kay, waiting for him. They just pulled their boat into the next parking spot and want to borrow his shower. Sure, it’s been three minutes since we had some nakedness, and as the soundtrack warbles "I’m in love with the girl in the Playboy magazine" we get an extended ogle at the two girls in the shower. (Let’s see that’s six boobies in five minutes.)

We disappointingly switch to Wilton in a super secret spy room filled with lots of monitors. Enter, stage left, Countess Luciana (Sybil Danning), his top operative, whose upset that he interrupted her vacation. He informs her that those pesky Russians are quickly closing the computer technology gap because someone is selling them secret hi-tech information. The trail of espionage leads to the mansion home of Lady Lillian Chamberlain (Niki Dantre), a familiar acquaintance of Luciana. They know each other somehow. (Sorry, I missed it. I was, well, distracted by something else. It's Sybil Danning! How can you not look at them!) 

Wilton feels that the two women are too close; and another, independent, party should be brought in to investigate Lillian and her brood. Wilton has the perfect man in mind (Guess who?) but he has to meet Luciana’s approval first and pass her litmus test. (Is he cute and good in the sack?)

So Wilton arranges a meeting between the two, and we get a moog synthesizer accompanied evening of dinner and dancing -- which leads, inevitably, back to Luciana’s bedroom. She wears Cody out but he passes the test. (Barely.)

He makes his way to the Chamberlain mansion, Luciana has arranged for him to stay there for a while, and is greeted by Shane the butler/chauffeur (Bret Baxter Clark) (who sharp eyes will recognize as Nick the Dick from Bachelor Party.) Shane’s seedy attitude trips off our alarms as he introduces Cody to the wheelchair bound Lillian.

Lillian thinks Cody is there to spy on her philandering family of miscreants. (Roll Call.) First we have youngest daughter, Liza (Lorraine Michaels), a hottie who is involved with the head of fledgling computer company. (Bill Gates?) She is sleeping with Shane. Next is daughter Anita (Shelley Morgan), and her husband, Stuart (Mike Andrews). Anita is a bitter alcoholic who is also sleeping with Shane. Stuart likes to sneak out of the house at night, in drag, and hit the gay bars. He, too, is sleeping with Shane. (Wow.)

So Cody leaves and Harper secretly tells his goon squad, Matthew (Art Metrano), and the Steroid Twins, Mark and Luke (Richard Brose and John Brown) (I’m going to assume that these two are the former Mr. Universe and Arizona), to escort Cody off the premises post haste. They run Cody off the road (I point out that he WAS leaving ALREADY and you just STOPPED him.), pull him out of the car, and beat the crap out of him. Matthew then whips out a machine gun and obliterates Cody’s car. (That’s how to get him quickly out of there, destroy his car. Genius!) They watch Cody limp away down the highway.

He eventually finds his way to a junkyard. It’s female owner obviously doesn’t get many visitors because she’s stripping before he’s in earshot. (Cody appears to have the strange mutant power to cause a chemical reaction in women causing them to strip.) Cody exchanges his *ahem* services for a car and returns to the Chamberlain mansion.

He overhears a heated conversation between Shane and his bookie. It seems the butler is 30 grand in debt and needs the money, PDQ, or he’ll be DOA. Shane presents his blackmail photos and videos first to Anita. He uses his "hi-tech" equipment (Think again, bub, that’s a Betamax. The poor deluded fool.) to show her the video he taped earlier of their sexual encounter at the boathouse. Anita’s so pissed that she doesn’t care about the photos and hopes the gamblers kill him.

Striking out with Anita, Shane turns his attentions on Stuart. He drives him to the Screaming Cockatoo, a frequent hangout of the drag queen, and shows him photos of him shagging his wife. Of course Stuart could care less, so Shane tries the photos of them together. Still no dice. (Shane isn’t very good at this.)

Lillian throws a party and everyone’s invited. Luciana is there with Cody. Harper is there with Liza, trying to talk Lillian into investing in his computer company. Shane runs into his bookie (who also runs the catering service used at the party) and his time is running out. He needs the money by tomorrow or he’s a dead man.

Shane realizes he needs to turn up the pressure on the Chamberlains. After the party is over, he returns to his bungalow/quarters and starts to gather up all his blackmail material. Someone sneaks into his room and stabs him repeatedly. (The masked killer has some dangerous curves but I remind everyone that this doesn’t rule out Stuart -- who I'm ashamed to say is the best looking "woman" in the film.) The assailant gathers up the photos and videotapes. Shane manages to take a snapshot of the killer and then dives after his attacker. The killer then shoots him with a silencer pistol and leaves. Shane manages to crawl outside before he dies.

Cody hears noises inside the bungalow and spies Anita rummaging through the drawers, looking for something. He catches her but she won’t say what she’s looking for. Cody continues the search and smears his fingerprints in the blood on the drawers and moves evidence all over (some detective). He finds Shane’s camera and takes the film.

He gathers the entire Chamberlain clan together and tells them to clam up and let him handle the cops. He then calls his personal phone operator (?) who runs a lip service on the side. She calls the cops and soon Lt. Aldridge (John Alderman) and Detective Beverly Macfee (Lori Sutton) arrive. Aldridge presents Lillian with an envelope that was sent to him that morning. Inside are all of Shane’s photos. Lillian is disgusted with all of them. Shane’s body is hauled off and Aldridge tells them not to leave town.

Beverly, an old acquaintance of Cody’s (wink-wink-nudge-nudge), accompanies him to the boathouse to look for clues. She says Stuart is their prime suspect but as far as he’s concerned, everyone had a motive and opportunity to kill Shane.

Meanwhile, the Chamberlain’s other servant (wait for it), maid Marion (Robyn Hilton) (Aaaaarrrrrgghhh!), is spying for Harper. She reports in that Cody and Beverly are headed to the boathouse. Harper sends two more goons, Peter and Thomas, to kill them and retrieve the film Cody took. (How do they know he has the film? Search me? Wait a second. Peter and Thomas? Matthew, Mark and Luke? I assume the rest of the apostles are somewhere else?)

The bad guys bust there way inside but spot no one. One hears the shower running and heads to the bathroom. He pulls the shower curtain back and comes face to face with Cody’s .44 Magnum. He’s a foot and half away but still misses. (Har-har.) Luckily, Beverly draws her piece and blows the bad guy away. The other goon runs. Cody blasts away and again hits everything but the bad guy. Beverly saves his hash and ends the chase -- permanently. (No "Stop or I’ll shoot" or "Halt, police.") The two realize that the only one who knew they were coming here was Lady Lillian. (When they told her I haven’t a clue.)

That night Cody returns to his boat and finds his two naked neighbors inside, waiting for him, but he knows he’s being followed. It's Matthew and the Steroid Twins. Luke stands watch on the dock while Mark searches above deck and Matthew searches below. Cody draws his gun (like that’ll do any good) and tells the girls to hit the floor.

Matthew breaks in and fires but misses. (It must be contagious.) Cody returns fire and blows Matthew’s ear off. (Hey, he’s getting closer.) The bad guy retreats and Cody chases him outside. Mark finds the ladies and demands the film. They don’t know what he’s talking about. He does a quick search and when it doesn’t turn up, he sneaks away. Cody loses the other two, so all the bad guys got away. (Well, except for Matthews ear.)

Cody calls Beverly and tells her about the evidence (the film) he removed from the crime scene. He also tells her about the connection with Shane’s murder and Harper’s computer firm. He wants to get the film developed and plans to take it to a photographer friend who has a dark room at the racetrack. So Beverly joins him and they watch June take a few laps while the film is developed.

A short time later, the pictures are taken out of the soup. Most of the photos are of Shane having sex but there’s one shot of the killer. Cody asks if a blow up can be made of the killer’s face. He gets it and they both recognize the killer. (We don’t get to see it yet.)

They take refuge behind a large rock. The bad guys split up and circle around to flush them out. Cody tells June he only has one bullet left. Mark comes into view first and draws a bead on them. June flashes her knockers, distracting him. Cody fires his one bullet and actually manages to hit him. He grabs Mark’s gun and blasts Luke when he comes into view. (I believe he’s finally got it.)

Where at this very moment a wild strip party is going on (which pushes the running total of boob shots to a whopping 72). Harper was showing Liza videotape of Shane and her sister doing the nasty when Cody and the police raid the place. Cody tells Aldridge to arrest Liza for the murder of Shane and produces the photo that clearly shows Liza under the silk stocking mask.

Cody gathers all the players onto his boat including Wilton, the cops and the entire Chamberlain clan (even Liza) for the denouement.

Something didn’t sit right with Cody. He noticed that in the photo, Liza held the gun in her right hand but everyone knows she's was left-handed. (Uh, okay.) He knew Anita didn’t do it because she was too drunk after the party; and Lillian couldn’t have done it because she’s stuck in a wheelchair. Stuart couldn’t have done it because he was too tall and the entry angle of the bullet wounds suggested someone shorter. (Makes sense. Man, he’s good. Wait a minute. Where the hell is this going?)

The production team of Andy and Arlene Sidaris took a strange course into the world of exploitation filmmaking. Andy was an Emmy Award winning director for ABC sports (including the Game of the Century between Nebraska and Oklahoma back in '70). Arlene was a producer and writer for The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries TV show.

Andy’s first feature for his Malibu Bay Films (based in Hawaii where they live) was Stacey. You started to see the formula for of all his films to follow. The main character was played by a former Playboy Playmate, Anne Randall, as a sexy PI who breaks up a religious cult.

He further refined the formula with his second feature Seven (my Bad Movie Planet partner Greywizard has a review of it here.) Like in Seven, his films would have a hunky leading man (usually an ex-soap opera star), who would lead a team of buxom babes (Playboy Playmates) against the bad guys. Later on he tacked on the sex, nudity and bigger explosions.

Arlene officially joined the team producing, and script doctoring, Malibu Express. (I’m sorry, DOCTOR Arlene, I believe you lost this particular patient.) This was the first of the Abilene Trilogy followed by Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Picasso Trigger. They both starred Cody’s cousins Rowdy and Travis. (They couldn’t hit anything with a gun either.) However, in these installments, the Abilenes became secondary characters behind the female leads.

This film I feel is Sidaris's best in that it's the easiest to get through and won't cause any serious brain damage. Hinton is a likeable dope and for the most part, the actors don't embarrass themselves that badly. The film couldn't be more '80sish if it tried. From the DeLorean to Cody's really big gun and the references to Dallas, Magnum PI and The Dukes of Hazard. 

Sidaris’s films usually averaged at least four Playboy Playmates apiece. In fact, Playboy put up half the financing for Malibu Express but after the 52^nd boob shot it starts to become a little tedious and borders on overkill. Somehow he manages to make nudity inane. (Did I just say there is such a thing as too many boob shots? Aauugh! Curse you Andy Sidaris!) 

Sidaris is a competent enough director and all his films appear to have high production values and look good. However, his scripts stink. No, they suck. They suck ass. The plots are muddled (see the last five minutes of this film), full of plot holes and bad attempts at humor. He’s saddled with actresses with large breasts who can’t act, and beefy guys with more beef between their ears than in their pecs that can’t act, either. The thing is, it's all his fault. He's the top banana for all his productions. 

That combination of bad acting, plot and nudity usually leads to high hilarity if you have a high pain threshold for such things. With this clown it ain’t easy, though. One Sidaris movie a year is about all I can stand -- no matter how many bare boobies he shows me.