Do you all think the preview for Larry Blamire's The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra looks hysterical? I sure do. 

It's difficult to pull off these homage and parodies of old sci-fi and monster movies. The built in audience for these things can be hard to please. Most of us are pretty easy, though, if the film's heart is in the right place. I hope it succeeds. It looks fantastic and pretty darn funny for those of us who truly enjoy the genre.

The problem is, living in the post Scream world, that all the pop-culture referencing and character self-awareness of movie clichés, no matter if it's a serious treatment or tongue in cheek, has now become a cliché all by itself.

After I saw the trailer for the first time a prolonged giggling fit was endured (due mostly to the fact that this was actually getting a theatrical release, meaning I'd get to see it on the big screen), then I started to remember a similar film I'd seen, a long time ago, that I had almost forgotten about. 

It, too, was a loving parody and homage to those old hair-brained - budget-strapped - alien invading - monster movies from the '50s called Lobster Man From Mars.

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We open in the bedroom of young Stevie Horowitz (Dean Jacobsen). Stevie is an aspiring filmmaker, judging by all the equipment and props he has crammed in there, whose just finished the last edit on his first film: a science-fiction epic that he believes will be his ticket to Hollywood fame and fortune. His constantly nagging mother doesn't agree, though.

He takes his prized film, and only print, to the offices of J.P. Sheldrake (Tony Curtis), a big time movie producer.

At this very moment, in his office, Sheldrake is getting some terrible news from his accountant. His studios made too much money last year and now Uncle Sam wants his share. The producer has to cough up over $4,000,000 in taxes. Unfortunately, all of Sheldrake's money is tied up in bad investments, mostly ex-wives, but his accountant has a plan. If they can somehow take a large tax loss, some time during this fiscal year, the books will even themselves out.

Sheldrake thinks it's a great idea, until he hears that there's only six days left in this particular fiscal year. He tries to throw himself out the window when his secretary buzzes in asking if he'd like to screen Horowitz's film - Lobster Man From Mars.

The ludicrous title alone spells box-office disaster to Sheldrake. It's exactly what he needs to save his hash from the IRS. He grabs Stevie and hauls him into the screening room. The projectionist spools the film up while they settle in to watch.

The credits for the film roll up and, accompanied by a James Bondian Diva belting out a ballad about Martian lobsters, reveal the film was written, produced and directed by Stevie Horowitz. (He even handled all the special-effects.) Sheldrake's Cheshire grin is from ear to ear. He's already convinced that it's going to be as bad as he needs it to be.

We're going to find out, too, because we get to watch the film with them.

It opens on the planet Mars. A narrator (Dr. Demento) informs us that there really are Martians, who live under ground on the red planet. They're a peaceful race but face an impending crisis. Their oxygen is running out. 

The Martian King (Bobby "Boris" Pickett) consults Brain X, that looks like a big lump of poop in a jar, about what they should do. Brain X talks in a kind of helium flavored B-Flick jive, with lots of klaatus, baradas and niktos, but we get the gist of his speech. (I'm hip.) His answer is simple, they can steal all of Earth's air.

They decide to send their best agent to accomplish this. He's big, nasty and reeks of rotten fish. He is the dreaded Lobster Man (S.P. Nemeth). The King charges him with the mission, but the monster refuses to go, until the King points out he can eat as many Earthlings as he likes while there.

So, before you can say "humans is finger-licking-good," Lobster Man hops aboard his flying saucer. The King sends Mambo along to help. (Who's Mambo? You'll find out in a sec but I guarantee you're gonna love him.) The sparkler is lit and the wobbly craft sputters across the galaxy towards Earth.

We switch venues back to Earth and focus on a large convertible driving down the road. The narrator chimes in warning that John and Mary (Anthony Hickox and Deborah Foreman), the young wholesome couple in the car, are doomed to a sinister fate. (You mean besides from being in this film?)

John and Mary talk excitedly about his new job, working for his uncle Freddy, when there car seizes up and quits. They watch, astonished, as a flying saucer wobbles overhead. They follow it's erratic trajectory until it crashes somewhere over the hill. After it's gone, the car starts back up and the couple decides to investigate.

They spot a cave with smoke billowing out of it and deduce the ship must have crashed inside (and as all us savvy B-movie veterans instantly recognize that the exact cave in question, used to belong to Ro-Man the Robot Monster.) The fiendishly naive couple spy strange glittering tracks around the entrance but head into the cave anyway to find the UFO. 

They'll need proof, or the authorities won't believe them, so John heads back out to the car. He gets a camera out of the trunk then heads back in. While he snaps several shots of the craft, a lobster clawed rogue POV cam crawls into the trunk of their car to hide.

John and Mary stop at a roadside cafe looking for a phone. He calls the authorities and is patched through to Colonel Ankrum (Fred Holliday), the head honcho of the 13th Army's Military Intelligence Domestic Division for Unexplained Phenomenon. Ankrum calls John a kook and hangs up on him but then immediately calls the Pentagon. They, in turn, don't believe him, either.

A private investigator, named Sledge (Tommy Sledge), overhears John's phone call. The man fell out of a Chandler, or Hammet, novel and landed right on his head. He lays on the tough-dick metaphors a little too thickly drawing worried stares from everyone. He even has to turn his jazzy soundtrack down when the operator can't hear him when he tries to phone his secretary. He plans to tail the youngsters hoping to cash in somehow.

John thinks his Uncle Freddy can help them. They'll get the pictures developed, round him up, and try the authorities again. Their car suffers a blow out so they limp to the nearest gas station. The mechanic promises to replace the tire with the spare lickety-split but they'll have to wait a whole day to get the pictures developed. He gives them directions to the nearest hotel and where to leave the film.

After they leave, the mechanic opens the trunk to get the spare. A giant claw seizes him, then yanks him in. The trunk shuts and the car rocks violently. The Lobster Clawed Rogue POV Cam goes on a rampage. It enters the cafe and turns a nasty looking weapon at the two patrons and pulls the trigger. When the smoke clears all that remains of the victims are smoldering plastic skeletons.

In their hotel room, John and Mary watch a special news report about the attack on the cafe. Reporter Dick Strange believes Martians are behind the attack and interviews noted astronomer, Professor F. Plocostomos (Patrick MacNee). The Professor's answer to every question is a succinct "no." It would be impossible for Martians to come to Earth, according to him and his "the only life on Mars are Giant Martian Clams" theory.

John is excited about the interview because Professor Plocostomos is actually his Uncle Freddy. Sledge steps out of the closet, blurts some more hard-boiled chatter, then goes back in.

That night, the mechanic, who I thought was dead, tries to eat a sandwich. He only takes one bite before his chest bursts open and two cackling Martian bat-creatures worm their way out then flutter off into the night. The creatures run sorties over Lover's Lane, attacking unsuspecting couples.

The next morning, John and Mary are disappointed when the pictures come back blank. John thinks it was the radiation from the ship but Mary wonders if he forgot to take the lens cap off. (John isn't the brightest bulb in the world.) 

They get the car from the still not dead mechanic and head to the Professor's Institute. On the way, though, the car becomes possessed and runs them off the road by itself. They get out and are confronted by something "not of this Earth." 

The couple runs from the Lobster Man so he sics Mambo on them. Now Mambo looks kind of familiar but I can't quite place him. He looks like a gorilla wearing silver moon boots complete with an antenna adorned deep-sea diving helmet for a head. This "robot monster" catches up with the couple. It torques on John but Mary saves him by pulling the monster's air hose loose.

Having escaped, the couple presses on and finds the Professor. They tell him about the Lobster Man. He's happy that his Clam theory was close and Martians are crustaceans. John asks if the Professor knows how to stop it. His uncle is quick to respond that he just found about the monster, not five minutes ago, so how the hell should he know? He calls Ankrum but finds out the Colonel has left to investigate the alleged crash site.

Ankrum sends his detail, consisting of one man, into the cave to flush out the Martians. The soldier enters the cave and disappears. Ankrum hears a firefight then the soldier stumbles back out, falls to the ground and disintegrates leaving the familiar skeletal remains.

Then one of the cackling bat-creatures attacks Ankrum. He swats at it with his pistol. (Try firing the damn thing!) Ankrum draws a bead and blows it out of the sky. (He must have hit the wire holding it up.) A tinny Moog version of Patton's theme accompanies this great victory over the Martian scourge (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!) then Ankrum quickly retreats.

The Lobster Man continues to run amok, mostly raiding the showers of girl's dormitories. 

Ankrum takes the bat creature's corpse to the Professor. They send Mary off to the kitchen to make some tea while they study it. (They have a habit of sending Mary off to the kitchen whenever she asks a very pertinent question.) The Professor believes the creature isn't dead and is regenerating itself. Ankrum wants to just flush the thing down the toilet and be rid of it but the Professor says they need to study it. Ankrum says flush first ask questions later.

The creature comes back to life, settling the great debate. It takes flight and starts attacking. They try to beat it off but it kills the Skipper (Stuart Dowling), the expert fisherman the Professor called in to help (sure, why not?), and then zeroes in on John. Mary walks in with a tray of tea just in time. The bat crashes into her and is covered in the hot liquid. It falls to the floor and disintegrates, rather messily, all over the floor.

The Professor claims Mary has found the answer to all their problems. The others are confused so he pops a tape in the VCR that shows a cook putting a lobster in a pot of boiling water. (Why an astronomer would have that tape handy is a question probably best left unanswered.) John, bless him, still doesn't get it but Ankrum says he can get four divisions, armed with pots of boiling water, at a moment's notice.

Fearing they won't be able to keep the water hot enough that way, the Professor has a better, albeit more convoluted, plan. Now to be more convoluted then 10,000 men armed with hot-water bottles must be something special. Well, how's this: The Professor wants to lure the Lobster Man to the Throckmorton mansion, a haunted house, located near several hot springs. Once they get him there they can toss him in.

Ankrum doesn't like the idea but gives them six hours to try before he sends in the hot-water brigade and artillery. Unfortunately, the other Martian bat was spying on them and relates the plan back to the Lobster Man.

The Professor gives John and Mary a quick, and contradictory that doesn't make a lick of sense, haunted history lesson behind the Throckmorton mansion. It's rumored that there is even a working torture chamber somewhere behind it's walls. The butler lets them in and introduces them to the last of the Throckmortons (Billy Barty!).

Throckmorton leads them in a séance as he tries to channel the spirits of the house. Things start flying around the room but we find out it's a scam, and the butler is making it all happen from a secret room. Luckily, the objects only bounce of John's head. 

The butler keeps throwing switches but Mambo sneaks up and knocks him out. The Lobster Man breaks down the doors and uses his ray-gun on Throckmorton. The others retreat. The men make it outside where Ankrum and his stock footage army wait to bomb the house. Mary is caught and the Lobster Man wraps his tentacles around her. (The hell? Since when does a lobster have tentacles?)

Ankrum gives the order and the house is obliterated. The men realize that Mary was still inside. Ankrum consoles John saying she died for her country, sacrificing herself to kill the Lobster Man. Sledge shows up, out of nowhere, and points out some glittering footprints leading away so, unless the Lobster Man walked backwards to this bonfire, he escaped. John holds out hope that Mary got away, too.

At the cave, the Lobster Man convinces Mary that he fled Mars because of the invading Bunny-Men from Neptune, and only wants to be left alone in his cave. He even lets her go so she can bring the others back for a friendly lunch. To be lunch that is.

The others find Mary and she tells them Lobster Man's sob story. The Professor doesn't buy it then incredibly makes a connection between Neptunian Bunny-Men and the Martian plot to steal Earth's air supply. (If that happens how are we supposed to make love out of nothing at all?)

His deception foiled, the Lobster Man and Mambo put their machines on auto-suck and go out to eat. They attack our heroes and commandeer Ankrum's jeep but the aliens have a little trouble driving a stick. This gives the Earthlings enough time to escape and find another vehicle.

The monsters chase them. They pass a entrance sign for Yellowstone Park (and I could probably stop the review right now because I'm sure we all know how this going to end.) 

The Earthling's jeep overheats so they have to stop but the Professor has yet another plan. Using Mary as bait to sucker the Martians in close, the Professor and Ankrum somehow direct the water out of the boiling radiator and spray it all over Mambo. Is this the end of Mambo? Yes, it is, and he makes an even bigger gooey mess than the bat-critter did.

They run out of water so they all flee from the Lobster Man. He closes in on Mary who runs by a sign pointing towards Old Faithful. She stops to try lure the Lobster Man closer to the geyser. The Monster closes in. John checks his watch but it's still two minutes until the next eruption.

He intervenes, offering himself as a better meal than the chicken-legged and flat-chested Mary. The Lobster Man counters saying Mary is only an appetizer. John checks his watch again. The geyser should have erupted by now. He then realizes his watch stopped again. The Lobster Man cackles while he blasts John with his ray-gun. 

Mary watches as John disintegrates. Undaunted, she lures the Lobster Man right on top of the geyser. It finally erupts and the monster is caught in the wash and it makes the grandest mess of them all. 

The Professor and Ankrum console Mary over the loss of John. Ankrum says the geyser got him but the Professor disagrees. It wasn't the geysers, the Lobster Man got too crabby. (Wanh-wahn-wahn-wahahahahahn.)

Ankrum gives Mary the same speech he gave John when they thought she was dead. Sledge puts in a final appearance, too. Suddenly, John's skeleton starts to glow, and the power of the cheesedick ending puts right everything the Lobster Man wronged. John and everyone else is resurrected. The young couple embrace and the narrator assures us they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

The lights come up in the theater. Sheldrake happily agrees to take on Stevie's *ahem* "unique" film, and sends the boy director to sign the proper papers. The only problem is, Lobster Man From Mars is a monster hit. Sheldrake is ruined, Stevie takes over his film company and oversees the production of Lobster Man at the Circus.

The End

Lobster Man From Mars was a film that took two weeks to write but ten years to film. The tandem of Stanley Sheff and Bob Greenberg originally had the idea back in 1979 when they both worked on The Orson Wells Show. It was Wells himself who inspired the title, a reference to his old War of the Worlds broadcast that he always called The Lobster Man from Mars Show.

They tried to get the script produced but the financing always fell through. In the meanwhile, Greenberg helped with the production of another sci-fi parody, Bruce Kimmel's The Creature Wasn't Nice a/k/a Naked Space. (The title change was either to cash in on star Leslie Nielson's Naked Gun films or Kimmel's earlier The First Nudie Musical.) Ten years later, a solid investor put up some money and filming commenced. The budget increased when a deal was cut for the films video rights, based solely on some completed footage, so the film had already made a profit before it was even finished.

The film is full of anachronisms. Is this supposed to be the '50s? Sledge has his funny moments but rightly seems out of place. Sheff, who was producing a comedy special with Sledge at the time, felt he was so funny that he had to get in the film somehow. If they would have altered his PI shtick, ever so slightly, and geared it more towards a morally draconian narcotics officer, from the Juvenile Delinquent movies of the same time period, he might have fit in better. (But that's just picking a nit.)

Beyond that, this homage is spot on with its characters, clichés and crappy special effects. You can see the wires used to animate the bat creatures and that really is a sparker jammed in the UFOs tail pipe. The only thing that was missing was a visible zipper on the Lobster Man's suit.

All the B-flick references in this movie would take a while to list but here are the most obvious. Colonel Ankrum is in reference to actor Morris Ankrum who always played the General in these things. There are nods to Robot Monster (Mambo and the cave), It Came From Outer Space (the glittering foot-prints) and Invasion of the Saucer Men (young couple find a UFO but no one will be believe them.)

Throckmorton's séance is right out of Ed Wood's Night of the Ghouls (and there is a hint at Corman's Poe films with its haunted history and mention of a torture chamber.) Brain-X is a nod to Invaders From Mars and his jive talk is derived from The Day the Earth Stood Still. The Martian bats were inspired by It Conquered the World and its autopsy is straight out of The Thing From Another World. The monster's gruesome demise is a combination of Fiend Without a Face and Day of the Triffids but the film owes the biggest debt to Teenagers From Outer Space for the skeltonizing gun. (Maybe the Lobster Man is a distant cousin of the Gargan? They're both crustaceans after all.)

Put all those elements in a blender and punch puree, and you'll probably wind up with either a real big mess or, if you're lucky, you'll wind up with something as entertaining as Lobster Man From Mars.