In a small town along the Rhine River, a nervous, semi-naked bride-to-be tries on her veil. Her attention is drawn to a menacing tap at the window, but it's only her fiancé (whew!) who just can’t wait for their wedding. Reminding him it’s bad luck to see the bride early, he leaves. And as she returns to her grooming, an evil POV-shot lurks outside her window. She hears something and investigates, thinking it's the groom again, but a monster -- that resembles the Hideous Sun Demon in drag, viciously mauls her to death and the credits roll...

So we’ve broken B-Movie Rule #234 and #452: Showing both nudity and the monster before the opening credits. This does not bode well for the viewer. In fact, the entire credit sequences is run over a still of a dead naked woman. Heaven help us, but let's press on.

At the woman’s funeral, overcome with grief, her ex-fiancé begins burying her before the preacher can even finish the eulogy. We spy some mystery woman observing all of this from her horse drawn coach. Back in town at the local café, the villagers discuss the gruesome murder. The doctor reveals that the victim’s heart was missing. Most of the locals think it was a bear attack, but the blind minstrel says it reminds him of the old legends of the Lorelei -- an evil water demon who lured sailors to their death with her singing and feminine wiles. According to the legend, at a certain time during the seven full moons, the nymphoid demon is transformed into a hideous beast and must devour human hearts to remain immortal. Elke (Silvia Tortosa), the headmistress of the local college for girls, interrupts the plot exposition to ask the mayor for protection. Of course, every guy in the place volunteers. Pulling the plug on all the testosterone, the mayor promises that he will send Sirgurd the mighty hunter (Tony Kendall), alone, to protect the school -- and all the shapely students..

Later, at said school, the thirty-something coeds are frolicking around the pool...And the school for what, exactly? I haven’t a clue, but I have a pretty good idea it's Chicken Ranching -- if you know what I mean. Anyway, cue up the drum roll of "C.C. Rider"...A man, who looks suspiciously like Elvis in a leisure suit, rolls in on his motorcycle, driving the girls into frenzy. Ladies and gentlemen, This. Is. Sirgurd! As the crowd goes wild, I gotta think maybe they’ve all been locked up in the school a little too long. Wow. Sirgurd quickly sets the ground rules with a curfew at nine, and complete lockdown by nine-oh-five. Meanwhile, he gets free run of the place to help protect the girls. Elke isn’t all that impressed with him -- or his chest hair, so you know they fall in love by the end. Recess ends, and the girls return to class. (Recess?!? In college?!) That evening, as Sirgurd patrols the grounds, all the girls come to their windows to say good night to the brave hunter -- and I have a funny story about this scene, so stick around.

In town, the lizard-clawed POV-shot stalks and kills another woman. The next morning, a guy who looks like Col. Sanders (Luis Induni) confronts the blind minstrel, and wants to know more about the Lorelei legend. When the minstrel asks why, it's because Sanders believes the Lorelei monster is real. At the funeral of the latest victim, Sirgurd spots the mystery woman in her coach, but she magically disappears before he can get to her. That night, at the blind minstrel’s home, the POV-shot breaks in and kills him, and then we get our first big gore shot as it rips his heart out. (Hey, it’s a Euro-horror film, it's like a law or something.)

The next day, Elke won’t allow Sirgurd to swim in the pool, so he goes for a dip in the lake instead. There, he spots the half-naked mystery woman running around. Watching her for awhile, he decides to skip his bath and heads home. On the way, he catches Col. Sanders spying on him. Turns out Sanders is really a scientist who wants to let Sirgurd in on his research that is "Against all elemental principles of biology." To try and convince Sirgurd that the Lorelei is real, he takes a cadaver’s severed hand and injects it with some kind of mystery liquid. He then shines a light that simulates moonlight on the hand and it changes into a lizard's claw. Sanders says that the hand is regressing back to its original, primordial state. (What the? Oh no, it’s The She-Creature all of a sudden.) He also reveals that the only way to kill it is to use the mythical Sword of Siegfried, and luckily, he just happens to have one handy. Sanders tells Sirgurd that it’s radioactive, then stabs the scaly hand with the blade and it reverts to normal. Despite all the evidence, Sirgurd writes him off as a crackpot and leaves.

Sirgurd returns to the lake and finds the aquatic mystery woman who then reveals herself to be the real Lorelei. (I guess that means the legends are true.) Luring him into a derelict building, he introduces her to something called foreplay. They discuss the Lorelei legend and he mentions the loony scientist. And I’m not sure who’s seducing who, but they take too long. Lorelei has been out of the water too long and is drying out. Alberic (Luis Barboo), her hulking guardian, takes her back into the water, leaving the dumbfounded Sirgurd behind. Later, Alberic and Lorelei pay a visit on Col. Sanders. While Alberic whips the scientist bloody, Lorelei burns his notes. Sanders tries to grab the magic sword, but accidentally grabs a vial of acid instead -- and spills it all over himself! As his face disintegrates, the two leave.

Back at the school (and it must be recess again because they’re all at the pool), the mayor has come to ask Sirgurd's help because they’ve finally found the blind man’s corpse. Sirgurd now believes in the Lorelei legend and tells the mayor about the scientist. They find the gooey mess that was Col. Sanders, and Sirgurd takes the magic sword. Meanwhile, the locals have gathered with their torches and pitchforks and are ready to hunt the monster down. (They’re in Germany, again, it’s a law.) At the school, the Lorelei monster interrupts the obligatory lesbian bathtub scene. Luckily, Sirgurd hears their screams and manages to chase it off before they’re turned into unwilling organ donors. (Why doesn’t he use the sword instead of the rifle?)

Later, Sirgurd and Elke’s obligatory "We don't really hate each other, we’re really in love scene" is interrupted by a spring-loaded bush. (All apologies to Jabootu.) Sirgurd sends her back to safety while he investigates. As she runs back, the spring-loaded bush catches up and closes in on her. When it’s almost upon her, Sirgurd arrives in time to scare it off.

Okay, now, here’s where the film takes a plot-tangent right into a brick wall:

Suddenly, we’re in a motor boat out on the lake with Sirgurd and the mayor. Donning an aqualung, Sirgurd leaves the mayor behind with instructions to blow up the lake if he doesn’t return. (Blow up the lake, Right, Gotcha -- wait!) After some minor underwater scuba-footage, Sirgurd emerges in an underwater cavern. He's greeted by Alberic and given some renaissance festival clothes. We also catch a glimpse of a few other semi-clad sirens lurking about. Alberic takes him before Lorelei who tells Sirgurd that he has been selected to spend eternity with her. But the noble Sirgurd says he can’t because she's spilled the blood of innocents. No sale. She even tries to hypnotize him but Sirgurd can’t be swayed. Extremely annoyed, Lorelei orders Sirgurd to be chained up while she goes to the surface and kills Elke to punish him for spiting her. Lying on her altar as the moonlight washes across her, Lorelei transforms into the lizard thing and leaves.

I call this previous segment a tangent into a brick wall because at no point in the film has this lair of the Lorelei ever been mentioned. How did he know where it was!!

At the school, Lorelei attacks Elke. The creature draws blood, but Sirgurd arrives in time and plunges the magic sword into the beast, saving Elke. Mortally wounded, the Lorelei stumbles off into the woods. Back at the bottom of the lake, the bomb goes off -- collapsing the cave, killing Alberic and the other Sirens. Sirgurd follows the monster back to the lake where it reverts to her female form. While Sirgurd holds her dying body, her spirit appears to him on horseback. The spirit tells him that she will be waiting for him on the other side and rides off.

The end

I probably could have picked a better film for my first foray into Euroshock cinema, but this film holds a special significance for me as my first theatrical Midnight-Movie Experience. Back when I was still in high school, the local theater held a midnight screening, and it was showing none other than When the Screaming Stops. I arrived early, and after paying for my ticket, received a small paper sack. Assuming this was for free popcorn, I sauntered up to the snack-bar and asked the cute counter girl to fill it up -- hold the salt. She then informed me -- as politely as she could -- that it wasn’t for popcorn, but was a complimentary motion-picture-sickness-bag. It was then that I notice the sacks striking similarity to an airliner’s barf-bag: The film I was about to see was supposed to be so gross, that we were to use the bag if we got nauseous. Man! This was gonna be great! We we’re also informed that the screen would flash red whenever a gruesome scene was approaching, so those with weaker stomachs could avert their eyes. Barely containing myself, I settled into my seat and watched the film.

The film itself was as goofy as I remembered it. Written and directed by Amando de Ossorio, he is probably best known for the spectacular Tombs of the Blind Dead. And everything that he did right in Dead, he basically does wrong here. It is a weird mish mash of Italian horror conventions and German mythology, and the film obviously loses something in the translation because the fact that Sirgurd knew about the Lorelei’s underground lair is just too big a plot hole for me to forgive.

I also recall the scene at the school, when all the girls come to their windows to say goodnight to Sirgurd. I could have sworn that they opened the curtains and began to strip out of their nightgowns, but then there was a real bad film-splice -- and the girls were magically lacing their nightgowns back up, and closing the curtains -- much to the dismay of males in the audience. Unfortunately, this seems to be a false memory, or a hormone induced figment of my imagination. All the other nude scenes and some of the gore were also spliced out of the print we we were shown back then. Still, even undiluted, compared with other films in the same genre, there is little nudity and the gore-effects are strictly Chef-Boyardee -- many a can of tomato paste we’re sacrificed in making this film. And once again, the loopy organ-soundtrack appears to have been abducted from a porno film.

There really is no mystery or suspense to the film, either. My faulty memory also had the headmistress of the school being the monster. (I have got to cut back on the beer.) It doesn’t take long for the locals to accept the fact that a monster is doing the killing. The scaly critter appears to be a cross between an alligator, the Sun Demon and a Gorn. And the gals will be happy to know that the monster is an equal opportunity killer, as it actually kills more men than women.

The only real problem that I have with the film is the lack of a likeable character. Sirgurd is a pompous ass and oozes smarmy machismo -- and I counted at least eleven different leisure suits. While Elke switches from ice queen to floozy so fast, and so often, you don’t know which one will show up from scene to scene. And everybody else is killed off as soon as we’re introduced to them. The best part of the film is the wacko scientist and his lab with all the free roaming animals (including a sheep that’s perhaps just a little too friendly.) I loved the way Sirgurd wasn’t fazed at all by the scientist’s collection of cadaver parts, or that his sci-babble made absolutely no sense. But I think that’s the main reason why I enjoyed When the Screaming Stops so much, because it is so absurd -- in content and execution. I’m also happy to report that the flashing red lights are included on the video, but alas, there were no complimentary barf-bags at the video store check out.

Posted: 07/21/00. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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