|
It
was a dark and stormy night. The natives
were growing restless, and our cliché
generator just broke.
In
a small village along the Mexican border,
what's left of the locals quickly pack
their belongings to escape the curse that
has come to plague their town. This
strange pestilence started when those two
foreigners moved into the old monastery on
the hill overlooking the village. For the
children who went to work for them began
to die under mysterious circumstances. The
two interlopers are really doctors from
Europe -- Vienna to be more precise, and
claim that the children were stricken down
by some highly contagious mystery virus.
Suspicious, but frightened by the rumors
of what's really going on inside the
monastery walls, the natives decide
discretion is the better part of valor and
amscray.
Soon,
all that's left is the Lopez family:
Poppa, Mama and daughter Juanita (Estelita
Rodriguez). They remain behind
because their only son, Francisco, is
somewhere inside the monastery walls.
Juanita tries to see her brother but is
informed that he, too, has contracted the
mystery contagion. As the family mourns,
if they really knew what happened to poor
Francisco, I guarantee their blood would
curdle with fright.
*
* * *
Methinks
I'm taking this a little too seriously. We
are talking about a film called Jesse
James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter.
Right? *sigh*
So,
we finally got around to doing the
companion piece to Billy
the Kid vs. Dracula. And I’m sorry
to report that this film falls victim to
the exact same pitfalls. Director William
"One-Shot" Beaudine and writer
Carl K. Hittleman again play it straight,
so we’re basically stuck with another
Halloween episode of Bonanza.
The
script is solid, the sets are solid, and
the stunts are solid, so there really
isn’t a whole lot wrong with it. But it
comes off as so banal, you’ll catch
yourself anxiously awaiting the conclusion
so's you can just move on with your life.
Okay,
no more amateur dramatics. I promise. Now
on with the film...
As
a lightning storm rages outside, inside
the monastery Maria and Rudolph
Frankenstein (Narda Onyx and Steven
Geray) marvel at the severe weather
that rumbles through the plains on a
regular basis. They’re both a chip right
off of dad’s old block and continue his
ghoulish experiments, although Rudolph
doesn’t seem to really have the stomach
for it. Not really interested in
reanimating cadavers, these two are more
into experimenting with an artificial
brain their father created. And when these
pre-processed brains are placed in the
subject patient they become mindless
slaves. So far though, each attempt to
transplant a brain has ended in an abysmal
failure.
Maria believes that the test subjects
we’re too young and weak, and doesn’t
realize that Rudolph, who thinks these
experiments are an abomination, is
secretly poisoning the test subjects. With
only one brain left, they must find the
perfect transplantee.
Meanwhile,
Jesse James (John Lupton)
and his beefy friend Hank (Cal
Bolder) are trying to raise a
little money. Hank fights the local thug
of the saloon owner (Nestor Paiva
-- another fan favorite here at 3B
Theater) and beats him soundly.
Nestor tries to welch on the bet until he
realizes he’s dealing with thee Jesse
James and pays up.
What’s
left of the James Gang then meets up with
what’s left of the Wild Bunch to pull
off a stage hold-up. Both gangs have seen
better days, put together there are only
five men. Butch -- the leader of the Wild
Bunch -- argues with his brother Lonny (Rayford
Barnes -- who looks real familiar)
about his share of the loot. Since he was
the one who found out about the stage
carrying the $100000 payroll, and the
decoy trick they use to get through the
Pia del Morte (a small pass that's
a perfect spot for an ambush),
Lonny feels he deserves a
bigger cut. He also
isn’t very happy about cutting in the
James Gang. In a drunken stupor, he draws
on Jesse. But Jesse proves faster and
shoots the gun out of Lonny's hand. Fed
up, Butch tells Lonny he’ll only get the
same amount as everybody else.
This
doesn’t sit well with Lonny, so he
sneaks off and rats the gang out to
Marshall Macfee (Jim
Davis). Telling Macfee that he is
going straight, he wants amend his lawless
ways and see Jesse James hang. So
Macfee and his posse get to Pia del Morte
first and set an ambush for the ambushers.
When the James Gang/Wild Bunch shows up,
including the turncoat Lonny, they wait
for the decoy stage to pass through first.
Macfee springs his trap, and while he
takes care of the Wild Bunch, Lonny aims
his rifle at Jesse. Hank sees this and
gets in the line of fire, taking a bullet
in the shoulder. Jesse helps him onto a
horse and they both escape.
Macfee
tells the others to take the bodies back
to town while he goes after Jesse. Lonny
demands to go with him because he wants to
see the outlaw dead. (I’m sure
the $10000 reward has nothing to do with
it. Lonny’s a pretty cold fish, his
brother was just shot down and he
doesn’t even give him a second glance.
And I still don't recognize the actor and
it's really starting to bug me.)
Hank’s
wound is pretty serious. Luckily, they
stumble upon the Lopez family. Jesse tells
them that Hank was hurt by accident.
Juanita offers to take them to the doctor
in Prescott. Being on the lamb, Jesse
declines as best he can. Juanita figures
out that it wasn’t an accident and
offers to take the men to the doctors at
the monastery. Along
the way, Juanita goes to the river for
some water and an Indian grabs her. When
Jesse goes to search for her, he soon
finds himself wrestling with the Indian
for his trouble. Jesse manages to kill the
brave with his own knife, and Juanita is
very, very grateful to him for saving her
life. Then suddenly, they stumble onto a
John Ford set as the rest of the tribe
thunders by on horseback never to be seen
or heard from again. Safe, the girl and
the outlaw kiss.
Entering
the abandoned town, Juanita refuses to go
up to the monastery and tells Jesse that
she will stay behind. Jesse and Hank ride
on. After telling the sibling doctors the
same cock-and-bull accident story, Rudolph
wants to help and Maria’s eyes bulge
with glee at Hank’s beefy frame; she has
found her perfect specimen.
While
Jesse takes care of the horses, the
doctors begin to work on Hank. In a
delirium, Hank calls for Jesse by name,
and I guess they’ve even heard of the
outlaw way over in Vienna, and Maria tells
Rudolph that the situation is perfect: the
outlaws are on the run and won’t be
missed. Needing to round up all the
witnesses, she sends Rudolph out to bring
Juanita in.
Time
passes. Macfee and Lonny show up at the
monastery but Maria lies and says she has
seen no one. They believe her and leave. Hank
starts to get better with Rudolph’s care,
and Juanita sits with him and warns him
that as soon as he is strong enough, he
and Jesse must leave this place or they
will die. Hank asks Juanita if she will
come with them. She doesn't answer.
That
evening, Juanita pleads with Jesse to
leave as soon as Hank is able. She is
pleased that he also asks if she will come
with them. Even though she does love him,
she cannot go and must remain to stop the
evil that destroyed her village. Turns out
someone else has got the hots for Jesse.
Maria turns on her feminine wiles and
weird accent and tries to seduce the
outlaw. Promising that together they can
build and empire and rule it -- well,
together, Jesse is not swayed and informs
Maria they'll be leaving as soon as Hank
is ready to roll.
This
rejection sends Maria into a snit. If she
can’t have the outlaw, then no one can.
She then sets in a motion a trap that will
get Jesse out of the way so she can
experiment freely on Hank. Telling Jesse
that Hank has relapsed and needs medicine
from the pharmacy in Prescott. (Uh,
okay.), she gives Jesse a
prescription that reads:
Hello.
My name is Jesse James. If lost, please
return me to Marshall Macfee and hang me
by the neck until dead (or
something like that.)
After
Jesse rides off to Prescott, Maria and
Rudolph begin the brain transplant
procedures on Hank by shaving his head.
And while Rudolph amputates his old brain,
Maria starts percolating the new one.
In
town, Jesse gives the pharmacist the bum
prescription. The clerk reads it, and then
nervously excuses himself to the back room
where he high tails it out the back door
to the Marshall’s office. Lonny is the
only one there, and seeing the reward
dollar signs a-spinning, sends the
reluctant apothecary back to his store to
distract Jesse. But Lonny isn't all that
good at being sneaky and Jesse quickly
dispatches him. After the pharmacist shows
him the false prescription, realizing he's
been had, Jesse heads back to the
monastery where Juanita has managed to
sneak in and observe the awful
experiments.
The
transplant completed, Maria moves on to
the next step. Donning her Strickfaden's
Electronic Brain-Swapping-Beanie-Helmet,
she connects it to Hank’s new brain.
Fluorescent tubes light up, machines whir,
and Tessla coils spark off as she begins
to program the artificial brain: Accomplished
by raving at the top of her lungs and
thinking bad thoughts into her magic
helmet. The
experiment appears to be a success as Hank
stirs, but he quickly loses consciousness.
Maria tells Rudolph to get her a syringe
of medicine to stimulate him. But this
time she catches Rudolph filling it up
with poison. Having had enough, he turns
on his sister. As they struggle, Maria
screams for help. Hank wakes back up and
throttles Rudolph to death.
Maria
gleefully dubs her new pet Igor.
Horrified
by what she's seen, Juanita flees to find
Jesse. They meet on the road to Prescott,
and she pleads with him not to return to
the monastery. But Jesse is a stand up guy
and must return to see if he can help
Hank. And go he does, while Juanita
continues into town to find Macfee.
When
he arrives at the monastery, Jesse thinks
he has the jump on Maria, but Igor sneaks
up and knocks him out. Strapping him to
the table, Maria drugs him with every
intention of making him a slave too. (Wait
a second. I thought they only had one
brain left?)
Somehow,
Juanita manages to convince Macfee of the
evil goings on at the monastery. Telling
to Juanita to wait outside, he finds Jesse
strapped to the table. Unfortunately,
Maria finds them before he can cut Jesse
loose. She
sics Igor on him and he bear hugs Macfee
until he passes out. While they
drag Macfee off to the dungeon, Juanita
sneaks into the lab and releases Jesse. But
her timing sucks, too, as the
bad guys come back and catch them. Maria
tells Igor to kill them both, but Hank
manages to assert himself and can’t kill
his friends. He instead turns on Maria and
kills her. The relapse is only temporary,
though, and Hank/Igor’s faulty motor
neurons get stuck on kill mode. Unable to
shoot his friend, Igor starts wiping the
floor with Jesse. Juanita quickly picks up
one of Jesse’s discarded guns and shoots
Igor. As he dies, Igor reverts back to
Hank and calls out Juanita’s name.
The
film ends with Juanita tearfully saying
goodbye to Jesse as Macfee hauls him off
to jail.
The
end
Well,
that’s ending's kind of a downer, but
honestly, the film really didn't have all
that far to fall. It does
pick up a little during the brain swapping
scenes, but they just can’t carry the
film no matter how much gusto Narda Onyx
pumps into her character. And she pumps. A
lot. I’m not quite sure what accent she
was trying to pull off, but it didn't stay
the same from scene to scene. And I
finally remember where I saw Rayford
Barnes before. He was Joe Don Baker’s
fellow detective in the MST3k
great Mitchell.
I
don’t want to be a historical nitpicker,
but if memory serves me correctly, I
believe Billy the Kid wore twin guns while
Jesse James wore only one. The creators of
these two films even got that mixed up.
That shouldn’t really bug me, but for
some reason, it did.
This
film doesn’t even fall into the "so
bad it’s good" category because it's
so lethargically mundane. Not a lot
happens in this movie. It isn’t terrible,
but again, with a title like that, I was
expecting a lot more.
While
watching Billy
the Kid vs. Dracula I kinda warmed up
to characters of Billy and Betty, but here
I was completely indifferent to Jesse and
Juanita. I don't know if I should blame
the story or the actors, but I really
didn't care what happened to any of them.
And that's the biggest difference between
the two films, making Jesse
James meets Frankenstein's Daughter,
hands down, the bigger chore to sit
through.
I
can recommend both films as bizarre
anomalies of mixed genres, but beyond
that, there just isn’t a whole lot
there.
|
