I noticed something peculiar at the beginning of this week’s film: You could physically hear someone drop the needle on the record of the spaz-jazz soundtrack before the credits roll. A thud, and then a hiss and pop and away we go...

 

Well, we open -- I believe -- in the '50s at the local dragstrip where the equally local teens race each other in their souped-up "rails" (that’s a tripped-out jalopy to all you squares.) We haven’t quite reached the age of Big Daddy Roth and the Rat Fink yet, as the only thing that appears to be modified are the engines. With the final few heats winding down, Lisa (Lori Nelson), our little hot-rod gal, puts her T-Bird into action (and with Lee Iacocca as my witness, she barely breaks 15mph.) Lisa wins her race -- much to the delight of her boyfriend and mechanic, Jeff (John Smith). A hot-rodding legend, it was Jeff's and Ben Merril's idea to start up the dragstrip club and organize the races. Merril (Chuck Connors) is a police officer whose brainstorm was to get the young speed-freaks on the racetrack and off the streets. Still in its infancy, the dragstrip hasn’t won the complete approval of the mayor, the city council or most of the citizenry yet. But so far, so good.

The meet completed, Lisa and Jeff, along with his brother Steve (Del Erickson), and friend Flat-Top (Frank Gorshin), decide to head to Yo-Yo’s -- the hot-rodders favorite hang out. Asking Jeff to ride with him to diagnose an engine problems, along the way, we find out that Steve and Jeff are orphans when Steve asks to live with him instead of their oppressive aunt. Steve also whines that every time he really wants to go fast, somebody's always around to slow him down. (So we already know he will die horribly in a car wreck before the final reel. Or sooner.) Almost on cue, another dragster roars up, and despite Jeff’s loud protests, goads Steve into a race.

We cut to police headquarters where Merril converses with his boss about the merits of the dragstrip. (And you can’t help but notice the HUGE picture of a car wreck adorning the wall behind his desk.) Merill's boss says he’s preaching to the choir when they’re interrupted by a phone call. 

There’s been an accident.

Merril arrives on scene just in time to see Steve’s body hauled out of the wreckage. (Jeez, I thought he’d last longer than that.) Jeff was thrown clear and escaped injury, so Merril breaks the news that Steve didn’t make it. Understandably, Jeff doesn’t take this very well and is inconsolable. And since Steve was a minor under his direct supervision, Jeff's drivers license is suspended -- and it would have been much worse, but Merril went to bat for him. The deadly wreck has also caused a public backlash against the dragstrip. When Merril asks Jeff for help to try and save it, he is so overcome with survivor's guilt he flatly refuses to have anything more to do with hot-rods. Mindlessly throwing himself into his work, Jeff tries to forget about the wreck and cars altogether. (Did I mention the guy is an auto mechanic?) Lisa calls the garage where he works, several times, but Jeff is reluctant to talk to her and refuses an invitation to meet her at Yo-Yo's. 

Lisa goes anyway, and meets up with Flat-Top and Two-Tanks (Ed Reider), and their respective girls, Judy (Carolyn Kearney), and the ditzy L.P. (Roxanne Arlen) who won’t shut up. (L.P. -- Long-Playing record. Get it?) Once inside, we’re entreated to an uncomfortably long rug-burning, toe-tapping, and finger-snapping shindig sequence accompanied by a familiar spastic jazz band. Above the din, Lisa asks why they've been cutting out on the drag-races. Flat-Top says it’s just not the same without Jeff, and Two-Tanks challenges him to a race out at Dry Lake. After they go to burn some rubber, Lisa heads to the garage to warn Jeff that the kids are acting up again, hoping he'll stop them, but he still refuses. 

Dejectedly, Lisa returns to Yo-Yo's, and in the parking lot finds a rather greasy looking character in a black leather jacket riding a tripped-out Olds. He revs up the engine, trying to impress the chicks -- and you know what the say about guys with ostentatious cars, right? They're over compensating for the size of their *ahem* "stick shifts". Bronc Talbott (Mark Andrews) is his given name, but I’ve affectionately dubbed him Greasy. And Greasy gives Lisa the big-eye, but she gives him the brush-off. Following her into Yo-Yo’s, he establishes himself as the bully and the antagonist for the rest of the film. He also needs a mechanic for his wagon, so Two-Tanks steers him in the direction of Jeff's garage. From their initial meeting we can already tell that Jeff and Greasy will fight before the end of the film.

Later, after giving Two-Tanks a citation for peeling of some rubber though an intersection, a patrolmen goes to the nearly deserted dragstrip where Merril and Lisa barely have enough cars for a single heat. Warning Merril that bad things are coming, the officer says reports are pilling up, ticket citations are on the rise, and the mayor wants to shut down the dragstrip and ban all hot-rods. Things are getting desperate for Merril, and he needs Jeff back to salvage things. Asking Lisa to try again, Jeff finally agrees to meet her at Yo-Yo's. While she waits, Greasy stirs up trouble by unplugging the jukebox in the middle of a dance. Jeff arrives just as Flat-Top answers Greasy's challenge to a game of chicken with Greasy. Jeff tries to stop his friend but Flat-Top shrugs him off. And Jeff refuses to go and watch, but Lisa does, to be with Judy while Flat-Top tries to kill himself. After a brief Mexican standoff, Greasy wins as Flat-Top quickly chickens out and puts his car in the ditch. Luckily, he isn't hurt. They all return to Yo-Yo’s where the waiting Jeff and Lisa try and make-up. On their way out, Flat-Top confesses that Jeff was right and he will never do anything stupid like that again. Merril shows up because someone (Jeff?) reported the chicken-run. No one is talking now, and he reads everybody the riot act. Greasy isn’t all that impressed and cranks up the jukebox, drowning the frustrated Merril out.

When the police arrive, Jeff and Lisa were both knocked out and can’t remember clearly what happened. Covering his own ass, Greasy says they were driving on the wrong side of the road and that Jeff ran the kid over. The skid-marks back this up, and Jeff is placed under arrest for manslaughter. And he's not the only one in hot-water. The mayor wants Merril's badge and the dragstrip shut down immediately. Not believing Greasy's version of events, Merril asks for a little more time before turning in his badge. He asks the chief to call Lisa and Jeff (he’s out on bail) and tell them to meet him at Yo-Yo’s in one hour. Checking out the crash-site, Merril notices that on closer inspection the skid-marks contradict Greasy's story. He finds Greasy’s car at Yo-Yo’s and takes some paint samples off the cracked front panel to compare with the paint marks on the dead kid’s bike. Confronting Greasy with the mounting evidence against him, the truth uncovered, and Greasy smashes a bottle over Merril's head knocking him out. When he tries to escape, he runs right into Lisa and Jeff -- who proceeds to kick the crap out of him. Merril recovers and places Greasy’s under arrest, saying his actions are as good as a confession. He then asks Jeff and Lisa for help, because even though they’ll have to start over from scratch, Merril wants to try and reopen the dragstrip. 

The end

Once again, a lurid title promises us one thing but delivers us something completely different. Our Hot-Rod Girl runs a race at the beginning -- again, at speeds barely breaking 15-m.p.h. -- and never gets behind the wheel again. Instead, we get a tale of a dopey beefy guy struggling with his inner demons brought on by his brother’s accidental death. There’s also the subplot of Greasy -- who's only interested in the glamour aspects of hot-rodding and not the spiritual side of the link between man and machine. And methinks I’m digging a little to deep here, so I’ll stop grinding gears and say to ya’ll -- Never mind that last part. 

One of the few films that I can think of where the police are pro-teen, Hot-Rod Girl isn’t terrible a movie -- but it isn’t all that great either. The plot is standard and predictable, but there are enough likeable characters to carry the film. But those likeable characters, I have to point out, were all supporting characters as Lisa and Jeff are the film’s least interesting ingredients. Unfortunately, they are the stick and the fulcrum that move the plot along. The film also falls into a familiar trap as our "teens" appear to be in there 20s and 30s. I neglected to mention the fact that in High School Hellcats, aside from the Connie character, most of the actors appeared young enough to be teenagers. Unfortunately, Hot-Rod Girl’s players are so obviously long-in-tooth that I couldn’t forget. Also, watch the fight at the end between Jeff and Greasy and see that Two-Tanks is obviously Greasy’s stunt double.

Aside from the main characters, the film’s weakest points are in the racing sequences themselves. If we aren’t being subjected to cars shot against a rolling mat (the car is static while they run footage behind it, giving the illusion of motion) the film is being sped-up to hide the fact that the cars are barely moving -- this was usually done by skip-framing or removing film frames, resulting in a comical, herky-jerky speed-o-vision. Flat-Top and Greasy’s chicken-run combines both with hilarious results. Now I know power-steering hadn’t been invented yet, but I just love the way the actors over-crank their steering wheels. When they should be bouncing from ditch to ditch, they instead maintain a steady course thanks to the projected film behind them.

Leslie Martinsen, the film’s director, has a long and storied career directing television shows. His resume includes: Airwolf, Manimal, The Powers of Matthew Star, The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo, Buck Rogers, Diff’rent Strokes, Dallas, The Love Boat, CHiP’s, Fantasy Island, Quincy, Bigfoot and Wildboy (does anyone else remember this show besides me? "Biiyaaaaabbaaaaaa!!!!!!"), Wonder Woman, The Six Million-Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman, Barnaby Jones, Mannix, Mission: Impossible, Maverick, Batman and -- and I think it might have been easier to just list the shows he didn’t have a hand in.

Big thanks to Bill Peetzke -- motorhead extremis, and fellow Canadian enthusiast -- for the loan of Hot-Rod Girl, as all attempts to get a copy of Dragstrip Girl wound up twisted and wrecked in the ditch. Thanks for the save, buddy!

More J.D.'s and Rocket-Bras!

Posted: 10/06/00. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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