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For
several weeks a giant sea serpent has laid
siege on the coastal village of Ithaca, so
several fishermen, tired of being on the
beast's menu, petition King Leyeritis for
help. Luckily for them, Hercules (Kirk
Morris) happens to be in the King's
Court and volunteers to help slay the
monster. Hercules's bestest chum, Ulysses (Enzo
Cerusico), also volunteers to go.
As the boys and their crew prepare to set
sail, leaving their worried womenfolk
behind, they promise to be back by sunset.
Hercules easily pulls up the giant stone
anchor and they're off -- right into a
vicious storm. To make matters worse, the
lookout spies the monster and raises the
alarm: "Thar she blows!" (?!?).
Herc harpoons the beast and tries to reel
it in, but instead, the monster drags them
further and further out to sea. (And
so help me, I'm not making this up, but
that "sea serpent" sure looks
like an otter.)
The
next morning, wreckage from their boat
washes ashore, but a carrier pigeon
arrives assuring all that the expedition
is okay -- well, if being reduced to
floating around on what's barely left of
the ship means "okay" -- and
they might be out a little longer than
anticipated. Cast adrift, what's left of
the crew wants to eat the remaining
pigeons and mutinies. As Herc chucks them
all in the drink to cool them off, land is
spotted. Making it to shore, the Greeks
are unfamiliar with the native flora and
fauna -- but eat it anyway. They also
attract the attention of a very large and
cantankerous bull. When the beast charges,
Hercules counters, bopping the bovine on
the head several times, killing it. They
eat that, too. Finding a path, they follow
it and come upon a village, and judging by
the native garb, Hercules conjectures that
they must be in the land Judea.
The
villagers eye these new strangers warily
-- especially a very large native, who
watches them from the shadows, fearing
they might be Philistine spies sent to
kill him.
*
* * *
And
here's another one of those movies that
evaded my grasp for far, far too
long.
I
caught
my my first glimpse of this film about ten
years ago after stumbling home one night
from the bar, drunk as a skunk, as one
normally is after stumbling home from the
bar, and kicked on the old boob-tube just
in time to see some kind of period piece
where a village was in the process of
being massacred by a bunch of baddies. Through
my booze induced fog, I watched as people
were bloodily crucified against their
houses, strung up, burned out and the rest
drug off in chains.
I
kinda faded in and out after that, but
clearly remember watching a muscle-bound
hero exacting some revenge for the
peasants in an equally spectacular fashion
(that
we'll get to during the review). And
as the mind-boggling spectacle of carnage
and flying boulders continued I realized
two things: One, judging
by the beefy hero and dubbed voices, this
had to be some kind of Hercules
movie. And Two: This, in my stupor, could
quite possibly be the greatest movie ever
made.
And
then I promptly passed out in the recliner
before the movie ended.
The
next morning, I added more misery to my
hangover by kicking myself for not
recording the end of the movie. Hell, I
didn't even know what it was called.
Checking the local TV listings in the
paper confirmed that I wasn't seeing
double due to the booze; there were two
musclemen in this thing running amok.
Maybe three. And I spent the next decade
trying to track down a copy of Hercules,
Samson and Ulysses.
Was
it as good as I remembered?
Nope.
It
was better...
The
village elder welcomes the strangers, and
confirms that they're in Judea, proclaiming
they are Danites from the tribe of Dan. (And
those of us who remember our days in
Sunday School already know that Mr. Beefy
hiding in the shadows is probably Samson.)
Making arrangements for transportation to
Gaza, where they can find a ship that can
take them home, Ulysses releases the last
pigeon with the good news. A local
Philistine horse trader sells them some
mounts and agrees to guide them to Gaza.
After they ride off, Samson (Richard
Lloyd) is still suspicious of them,
but with a price on his head, his presence
has endangered the village long enough, so
he sneaks off, too.
It's
a long trip to Gaza, so the caravan stops
at an oasis to rest. The horses quickly
become frightened and buck off their
riders; then the reason why, a lion,
stalks out of a nearby cave. Hercules
wrestles a real lion first, and then puts
the finishing lethal touch on a toothless
stuffed one. (Truly hilarious.) Only
one man can fight a lion bare-handed, so
the Philistine horseman mistakenly assumes
Hercules to be Samson -- the sworn enemy
of their king, Seran. Smelling a plot to
assassinate their monarch, he sends the
Greeks on to Gaza, via the long route,
while he takes a shortcut to warn Seran
before they arrive.
Speaking
of Seran (Aldo
Giuffre), he and his army are
currently ransacking the Danite village. Looking
for Samson, they find no trace of him, but
find the body of another lion, without the
mark of a wound, meaning Samson must have
been there. For harboring the fugitive,
the King decrees that the village is to be
burned to the ground and it's occupants
purged -- especially all the children, so
there can be no more Samsons coming down
the pike! -- but tells his Captain to wait
until after he departs for Gaza; the odor
of burning Danites makes him ill.
After
he's gone, the Philistines set to work
crucifying people, nailing them against
their houses, hanging more, and commence
to raping, pillaging, spearing and burning
what's left, sparing only the young
maidens who are tied up and dragged off to
be sold as slaves.
When
the last pigeon arrives in Greece,
Hercules's wife, Deianira (Andrea
Fantasia), worries that Gaza has no
vessels that can reach Greece. Leyeritis
tells her not to worry. They'll borrow the
Argo (from Jason
and the Argonauts?)
and head to Gaza to pick them up.
While
the party of Greeks are still stuck out on
the road, running in circles, Seran easily
beats them back to Gaza. Sitting on his
throne, he watches the bewitching Delilah
(Liani Orfei) dance to the crack of
the whip. The horse trader arrives,
warning him that Samson is on his way
disguised as a Greek. None of them have
actually seen Samson, just the rumors of
his incredible feats and wary of his
desire to see Seran dead. Seran is
frantic, and Delilah taunts his weakness.
She tells the big sissy to relax, and
leave this Samson to her.
The
Philistine raiding party makes its way
back to Gaza. Slowed by the train of bound
prisoners (and some of those
prisoners, the ones with the beards, are
the funniest looking women I've ever seen),
one of the women collapses, causing the
procession to stop. She's cut from the
line and dragged to the side. A soldier
raises his club to finish her off when the
air is cut by a javelin that impales his
wrist, causing him to drop the weapon. The
other
Philistines look to see where it came from,
and up on the hill, Samson knocks his
camouflage away revealing plenty more
where that came from. Spurring their
mounts, the bad guys charge and attack.
Samson unleashes a lethal barrage of
spears, impaling horses and riders alike. (There's
some incredible stunt work here that I'm
not even going to attempt to describe.
You're just going to have to see this for
yourselves.) This time, the
Philistines don't stand a chance and are
massacred. Freeing the others, they tell
him what happened to their village. Samson
believes the Greeks really were Philistine
spies and vows revenge. (Uh-oh. The
old Marvel misunderstanding trick!)
Unknown
to Samson, the Philistine captain, though
gravely wounded, manages to escape.
Meanwhile,
Hercules and his party finally reach Gaza.
They're escorted to the palace courtyard
where Seran springs a trap. Surrounded by
archers, Seran accuses Hercules of being
Samson. The horse trader confirms this,
saying this is the man he saw kill the
lion bare-handed. Hercules, of course,
denies it, saying he's killed a lot of
lions. Delilah tells them to bring in the
wounded captain, but he dies before he can
exonerate the Greeks. Still unsure,
Delilah hatches a plan: If this isn't
Samson, he may be the only one who can
fight and kill the mighty Danite. Seran
agrees and gives Hercules three days to
capture or kill Samson. And if he fails,
he will kill his friends. With a wiggle of
his finger, Seran punctuates the threat
with a volley of arrows that strike
several of his comrades. Trapped, Hercules
agrees but doesn't know where to begin.
Delilah tells him to wait outside the
palace.
He
does, and is soon joined by the evil vixen
and her entourage. They head out of the
city and make camp. Delilah goes
skinny-dipping and tries to coax the Greek
to join her. But Herc is more interested
in the chicken he just killed, and of
course, he wants to eat it. After sunset,
Delilah cranks up the heat, but Hercules
doesn't fall for her wiles. So she leaves
in a snit.
The
next morning, Hercules wakes to find the
entourage gone, but Delilah remains,
dressed as a Danite peasant girl. Hercules
dresses up as a Philistine soldier, ties
her hands and drags her around behind his
horse as bait to draw Samson out. Entering
a ruined temple,
Delilah warns him to keep his eyes and
ears peeled. Sure enough, a javelin
whizzes by Hercules' head and splits a
boulder behind them. More spears come, but
Hercules manages to lift a giant slab for
a shield. He challenges Samson to fight,
man to man. Samson can't believe that
anyone would challenge him, and grows angrier
when Hercules removes his disguise, and
recognizes the alleged spy.
And
as they say, lets get ready to RUMBLE!
Now
the written word will not do this fight
justice, either: Punches are thrown,
Styrofoam boulders are chucked, iron bars
are bounced off each other's skulls,
pillars are toppled over, and at one point,
Samson throws Hercules through a stone
wall. Of course, during this dust-up they
get to talking:
Hercules
apologizes for having to kill him, saying
he does it to save his friends from Seran.
Samson listens, realizes he was wrong and
stops the fight. What they really should
be doing is teaming up to bring Seran
down. Hercules agrees, but they're
forgetting about one little thing:
Delilah.
She
mounts the horse and tries to escape. Producing
a very large lasso, Samson manages to rope
the horse, which collapses and dumps its
rider. Not to be outdone, Hercules uses
another rope and snares the girl, and
together, they reel her in. They
return to the smoldering ruins of the
Danite village where the survivors bury
the dead. Hercules is appalled by this
atrocity -- especially all the dead
children. Samson ties Delilah's hands and
turns her over to the Danites for
safekeeping, while he and Herc go kick a
little Philistine ass. But fearing for her
life, Delilah starts scheming again,
begging Samson not to leave her there with
the vengeful Danites. And she has a plan
if they'll listen. Hercules doesn't
believe her, but Samson, the big dope,
does and unties her. Her plan is to set up
an exchange at the temple of Dagoth. She
will have a boat waiting, so the Greeks
can leave, and once they're safely on
board, Samson will conveniently escape.
They
let her go and she returns to Gaza. Seran
agrees to the deal. Yeah, I don't trust
them either. At the temple, the Greeks are
escorted to the ship. On board, Ulysses
finds Philistine soldiers hidden in the
hold and spies more in the hills. Delilah
lied. Needing to warn Hercules of this
treachery, he manages to sneak off the
ship.
Hercules,
meanwhile, hauls Samson to the temple.
Neither one of them really trusts Delilah,
either, and they smell a trap, too.
Ulysses warning comes too late as Seran
springs his trap. His soldiers charge up
the hill toward the temple but are
repelled by a barrage of Styrofoam
boulders. Meanwhile, on the ship, the
Greeks make quick work of the Philistines
hidden on board.
Badly
bloodied, Seran's forces retreat. Delilah
rages and asks why don't they attack.
Seran offers they need a little persuasion,
and orders his archers to fire on his own
men to get them going again. This negative
reinforcement gets them swarming up the
hill, but Ulysses has hit upon a plan and
instructs Hercules and Samson to topple
the whole temple over. With much
straining, the walls come a tumbling down,
burying half of Seran's army.
The
only problem is, that leaves the other
half of Seran's army to deal with --
namely those pesky archers. They open fire
and burn the ship, forcing the Greeks
overboard. Under a rain of arrows,
Hercules, Samson and Ulysses fight their
way to the beach but find their escape
vessel on fire. Trapped against the sea,
they spot the welcome sight of the Argo.
The mighty ship opens fire, and soon,
phalanx after phalanx of Greek arrows are
raining down on the Philistines.
His
army in tatters, Seran takes up a bow and
draws a bead on the fleeing Hercules.
Ulysses sees this, warns his friend, and
steps into the line of fire, taking one in
the shoulder. While the shooter takes
deadly aim again, Samson snatches up a
discarded spear, lets it fly, and quickly
impales Seran through the stomach. Delilah
cries out and cradles the dying Seran in
her arms, and then stares daggers at her
retreating enemies who swim to the safety
of the Argo. (But
is that a hint of wistful melancholy we
see in her eyes?)
Once
they're all on board, the Greeks set sail
for home. After thanking them all for
their help, Hercules warns Samson to
beware of Delilah's treachery and
recommends a women more like his beloved
Deianira. Samson shrugs, dives off and
swims back to shore.
The
Greeks sail on, leaving him to his own
destiny.
The
End
You
know, if I didn't know any better, I'd
swear this whole thing was a parody. Every
genre convention is amped up to such
ridiculous levels, but discharged so
effectively, that the effect on the
audience is palpable. You'll be laughing
your ass off one minute, and than boggling
at the all the wild stunts the next. The
set-pieces are fantastic, the score
rollicking, and the climactic -- albeit
premature, battle between the beefy
contenders does not disappoint.
Kirk
Morris was pushing a pole on a gondola,
when a producer spotted him and thought
that with his roguish good looks and
sculpted frame, he had a future in film.
Morris had several of these films under
his tunic, mostly playing Maciste -- the
son of Hercules, but this was the first
and only time he actually played Hercules.
(Steve Reeves was the best, but
Morris is a close second.) Richard
Lloyd is admittedly a little stiff as
Samson. He's great when he's chucking
spears at people, or throwing boulders and
rocks, but you can't help but giggle when
he walks -- especially when he waddles
away from the camera. Let's just say I'm
pretty sure I know where he was when his
diarrhea came back. Know what I mean?
Writer/director
Pietro Francisci popularized these muscles
and mayhem movies when his Hercules
and Hercules
Unchained
were imported to the States in the late
'50s with surprising box office success.
Which, of course, brought on a rash of
imitators to cash in.
Samson,
Ulysses, Maciste and Atlas all had their
separate vehicles, but the most popular
protagonist was Hercules. And when your
scriptwriter gets even more bereft of
ideas, they start teaming them up. And
that's exactly what Francisci did by
teaming up our three stalwart heroes. And
by all rights, the proper title of this
film should probably be Hercules,
Samson and Delilah
as Cerusico's Ulysses disappears for half
the movie and provides nothing but comedy
relief. After all, it is Liana Orfei's
vamping and scheming that provides the
lever and fulcrum that moves this plot
along.
The
only thing else I've seen the lovely
Orfei in is the wonderfully creepy Mill
of the Stone Women
that's on tap to be reviewed here next
update. Stay tuned.
And
what a plot we have here. I think it's
pretty cool how Francisci's script manages
to bring all our players together, and
it's not all that convoluted -- well, once
you get past the whole giant sea serpent
towing them all the way from Greece to
Judea part -- and I seem to
recall another movie where Herc got blown
even further off course and wound up
shipwrecked in the land of the Incas in Hercules
vs. The Sons of the Sun.
I sh*t you not. I
also seem to recall one where Maciste
somehow winds up fighting a witch in
Victorian England. Again, I sh*t you not. I
just think it's refreshing that here, a
little thought went into it and they
didn't just throw them together
haphazardly.
But
then again, plot-schmot. Who needs a plot
when you've got giant monsters, stuffed
animal wrestling, bull head-butting, the
greatest village massacre committed to
film, crucifixions, hangings, impalements,
raping, pillaging, deadly arrow barrages,
spear-chucking, incredible stunt work --
including a very big nod to the amazing
stunt-horses who took all those
devastating falls during those arrow and
spear barrages -- and that's not even
getting to the laughable dubbing, cartoony
sound-effects, Delilah's erotic serpentine
whip dance of the cobra, the evil
Philistine king who puts the bastard in
dastardly villain, the converted German SS
helmets of his lackeys, two beefy guys
beating the living snot out of each other,
and the complete and utter destruction of
not one, but two, great stone temples.
We're talking some major Styrofoam boulder
chucking-fu, here, kids.
And
that, my friends, is just scratching the
surface. By the time Hercules,
Samson and Ulysses
finally made it to America in 1965, the
sword and sandal epic was out and the
spaghetti western was in. I think this is
one helluva last-of-the-genre hurrahs,
though. Sorry, this is just one of those
films that I have a hard time containing
my enthusiasm for. And I believe a lot of
it has to do with the long search, and the
satisfaction that it actually turned out
better than I remembered. I just wish
someone, anyone, would get these things
out in widescreen. The copy that I managed
to procure off of eBay is a
pan-n-scan dub off of Turner Classic
Movies, and the framing in a lot of
the shots really stinks, making one wonder
how much vino the editor had imbibed --
but that's the only real complaint I have
about the movie.
Most
Peplum fans agree that Mario Bava's Hercules
in the Haunted World
is the apex of this genre. That's fine for
them. Me? It'll take a lot more than that
to top the 86-minutes of sheer and
absolute freaking insanity contained in
this film.
Seek
this movie. Find this movie. Watch this
movie. And you will love this movie, too. Trust
me.
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