|
When
we last left our hero, he was awake, coherent, and in relatively
good spirits.
Rested
and rational our boy looks to be in good shape.
He
is so screwed.
-
- - -
| Monkey
Business |
| Aaaauuugh!
Singing Monkeys! |
It
was a general consensus that this short film broke the back of many
a B-Fester this year. Paramount turned out a ton of these Speaking
of Animals shorts,
so I'll just say they're lucky they didn't show the wild west one
with the monkey barroom brawl. I didn't think it was that bad.
Singing Monkeys aren't that terrifying. Singing Monkeys who've
obviously soiled themselves however...
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Monkey
fall down go boom. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Monkey
pucker up? |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
Monkey shall
never rochambeaux Monkey. That is the law. |
-
- - -
| The
Monkey Hustle |
| Too
much Hustle not enough Monkey! |
Well,
I think the gist of this movie was a community is threatened by the
incursion of a freeway. So the colorful characters that inhabit that
community, most of them con-men like Yaphet Kotto and his gang of
young hoodlums, or uber-pimps like Rudy Ray Moore, try to stop this
by confusing the heck out of the audience. I think.
Lame-ass
cons, one idiot cop befuddlement, bitch-slapping cat fights, soul
food and fire hoses later, our funky-pimped-out-super-pals save the
day by doing nothing really.
So
what exactly was the point of that scene with the garbage truck?
They put the boxes in the truck. They pull the boxes out of the
truck and hide them. Then they put them back in again. Then they ran
away with the boxes that were empty all along. (They were Quasar
brand merchandise anyways.) Then Yaphet Kotto gives you three bucks.
That's
some hustle.
So
it didn't make one dang bit of sense but a good time was had by all.
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Well? |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Oh,
yeah, baby. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
The
Black Knight forgot his cod piece. |
-
- - -
| Alice
In Wonderland |
| Send
in the Dancing Nurses! |
Ah,
the naughty portion of our program. I'm sure most of us knew this
wasn't going to be Uncle Walt's version. The film started out slow,
teasing the audience, and, for a brief moment, I thought we were
going to get skunked like last year's The
Happy Hooker. But
then young Alice stepped through the looking glass and all hell
broke loose. When those people dressed in animal costumes licked her
dry? Wow.
Alice
basically goes through Wonderland curing everyone's erectile
dysfunction including the pant-less Mad Hatter and Humpty Dumpty,
then joins TweedleDum and TweedleDee in a threesome as they "tweedle"
to their hearts content. Alice goes on to discover herself by *ahem*
servicing the White Knight and the King of Hearts; but the Queen of
Hearts wants her head, too (and
I can't believe I just typed that),
and a little loving on the side.
The
audience sat and watched in a stupefied silence, with a smattering
of groaning or incredulous laughter, as the film played out. I don't
want to know what the White Rabbit was doing with that spoon. *shudder*
The biggest reaction came when the Tweedles revealed, silly, that
they were really brother and sister. The roar got even louder during
the C.H.I.P.s
style freeze-frame credits that revealed the actor and actress who
played them SHARED THE SAME LAST NAME!
Speaking
of C.H.I.P.s,
back in the late '70s, the film's adorable lead, Kristine DeBell,
appeared in that show along with B.J.
and the Bear and
was one of the camp counselors in the movie Meatballs.
I remember having a huge crush on this lady when I was younger but
then she kind of disappeared off the movie and TV map. Now I think I
know why.
It
was at the point when Humpty Dumpty called for his dancing nurses,
who proceeded to dance and strip, that I determined that this
version of Alice
in Wonderland was
the greatest movie ever made.
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
No
but Lewis Carroll's grave just detonated. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Yes,
just not on the lips. *rim-shot* |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
Is
that what they're *ahem* calling "that" these
days? |
-
- - -
| Spawn
of the Slithis |
| Can
we throw this one back? |
So
what happens in this movie? Nothing happens in this movie!
Okay,
a sea creature invades Venice Beach and starts feasting on the local
homeless population. Six equally padded sequences later: (1.) about
where the monsters came from. (2.) why we have to close the beaches.
(3.) Why won't anyone believe us. (4-5.) A couple of POV stalk and
kills. And (6.) a look into the life of a disco-king's swinging
lifestyle - until he and his girlfriend become chum, our heroes
capture the beast and then let it go because "that's the way of
the sea."
Then
the Slithis eats them.
This
is the movie that almost killed me this year. It was shot through
the same dirty-sock filter as The
Corpse Grinders
giving everything a strange, blurry, maroonish tint. Dull. Dull.
DULL! AAaaaAAaaargh. I hate this movie. As Joe put it so succinctly
- and I heartily concur - this movie can kiss my ass.
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
No
but the entire film was a train wreck. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
'70s-boy
almost got around to it before his date was gutted but this film
can just plant a big wet one right where I'm pointing. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
No
but I sure did. |
-
- - -
| The
Devil Girl From Mars |
| and
her cosmic whack-a-mole machine! |
Mars
doesn't need women it needs men, desperately, so they send our
villainess to round up some breeding stock. She parks her UFO and
terrorizes a quaint English cottage and the denizens therein with
her advance technology and a refrigerator-box-robot armed with a
death-ray.
She
quizzes several Earthmen to see who has the best qualifications to
come back with her; an escaped convict, an old professor, an
American Reporter and a young boy.
(It
doesn't look real good for us as a species when the best applicant
proves to be the boy.)
The
big American hero stands happily by and let's the convict be the
hero. He enters the UFO, whose interior someone pointed out looks
like a cosmic game of Whack-a-Mole, and somehow manages to sabotage
it causing the ship to explode, killing himself but saving the
Earth.
Our
second feature featuring a country house spook-show theme, its
origins as a stage play are painfully obvious at times. If you
replace the Devil Girl with a Space Duck, it also plays out like an
extended episode of Courage
the Cowardly Dog.
Considering the time that this was shown and its content, the film
went over remarkably well for those of us that were still awake.
All
I can say is if her Martian technology is so danged advanced, how
come she couldn't park her UFO a little closer to the cottage?
Answer me that one Ms. Superiority Complex? Yeah, I'm looking right
at you. Here, let me tip your robot over for ya! Take that Mars!
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Yup. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Those
limeys are such prudes. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
No
but that robot was a piece of junk. |
-
- - -
| Airport
'77 |
| Mayday!
Mayday! Mayday! |
A
poem dedicated to Airport '77.
| Wet
Disaster |
| Bermuda
Triangle |
| Plane
in the Water |
| Glub
- Glub - Glub |
| Petroni
on the Prod |
| Red-lining |
Man,
who isn't in this movie.
The
only real question during Airport
‘77 was not
whether the plane passengers would be rescued, but which actor or
actress would leave the most teeth marks on the furniture. Lee Grant
holds the lead coming down the back stretch but, watch out, Jack
Lemon is moving up on the rail.
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
None
that I can recall. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Honorable
mention to Jack Lemmon who was brave enough to kiss Brenda
Viccarro but not Christopher Lee. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
The
747 takes one in the "Bermuda Triangles" from an oil
refinery platform. |
-
- - -
| The
Breakfast Break |
| Still
awake, still coherent what goes on here? |
Coupled
with the delay brought on by Fire Marshall Sally, even though we
lost a whole reel of Beast,
there wasn't a whole lot of time for this year's breakfast break
before the next feature spooled up.
There
was barely enough time to whoof down a ham sandwich from the bakery,
recount the horrors of singing monkeys and debate on why Alice
in Wonderland is
the greatest movie ever made before we had to stumble back into the
theater where A&O Films had a nasty surprise waiting for us.
-
- - -
While
someone bangs a ditty on a clavichord, an easily distracted midget,
decked out in full Renaissance gear and powdered wig, tries to
settle into his chair for a quick snack but is thwarted by others
who steal his stuff when he isn't looking that degenerates into a
midget brawl over a pillow.
This
goes on for two hours.
I
will never, ever, understand the French.
When
I saw the line-up for this year B-Fest, I was a little disappointed
to see that no film-shorts were on the docket this year. When I
picked up a program at the door, though, it promised that there were
indeed shorts coming but they intended to spring them on us when we
weren't looking.
They
already blindsided us with Monkey
Business, that
sent many a B-Fester into a fetal position to rethink things for
awhile, but then some cruel person decided to spring this infamous
short on us right after breakfast. (What?
Did they want all that food back?)
I
had heard the legend of Gavotte
before, but this was my first time experiencing it in person and,
believe me, once is enough. You can lump this thing in with Hieronymous
Merkin as a
warning to B-Festers to behave or we'll show it again.
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Midgets!
Midgets! Midgets! |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Midgets!
Midgets! Midgets! |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
Midgets!
Midgets! Midgets! |
-
- - -
| A
Brief Yet Painful Interlude |
| because
the children must be warned! |
A
quick side note on Merkin,
a film that almost killed me and several others during B-Fest 2002.
For those of you who haven't experienced the horror that is that
"movie" but attended this year's fest, imagine, if you
will, watching the Tweedles from Alice
in Wonderland
"tweedling" for about two hours AFTER they made their
sibling revelation with all the pretensions of Gavotte.
That,
my friends, is the horror of watching Hieronymous
Merkin.
-
- - -
| The
Forbidden Dance |
| Sugar
Mountain High-AIIEE, Colorado! |
I'm
always amazed at how well these dance movies go over at B-Fest. I've
also often wondered why they never made a movie about "The
Curly Shuffle"
or "Pac-Man
Fever." Did
they ever make a movie about the "Macarena?"
Or the "Ketchup
Song?"
Anyways,
Laura Herring is the princess of the rain forest but her tribe is
overrun by Richard Lynch. She must save her people and her land, so
she heads to America with Sid Haig - her witch-doctor strong man -
and gets to work saving the environment by becoming a stripper.
Okay, okay, exotic dancer. Whatever. She mutually falls in love with
a rich brat, much to the chagrin of his racist parents and,
together, with the power of the Lambada, win the big dance-off.
Oh,
yeah, they do that after Lynch kidnaps her and forces her to do the
forbidden dance for him - privately. Wink-wink-nudge-nudge-say no
more. Her lack of any perceivable rhythm but powerful gyrating hips
distracts him long enough for our hero to rescue her and get to the
dance contest in time. Huzzah.
I
knew we were in trouble the minute the movie staked it's claim that
it was dedicated to saving the rain forests. Oh, brother. The
partners of Golan and Globus split and they each produced their own
movie based on the Lambada: Lambada
and The Forbidden
Dance. I don't
think The
Forbidden Dance
ever used the word Lambada, I don't think they could without getting
sued by the other movie, except in the title song "Lambada".
At
this point, being up for 24-hours, I was actually starting to nod
off and zone out. This would not do at all, dammit. I retreated out
of the theater and headed for the vending machines. So far, it had
been chips and jerky and Diet Dew. Time for some help, so, for the
first time in about six months, I slammed two bottles of Pepsi --
and added a couple bags of M&Ms as a kicker.
The
sugar was hitting me before I got back in the theater. I also
noticed I seldom sat still for the rest of the movie marathon.
Whoopee!
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Behold
the power of Sid Haig. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
I
was too busy bouncing off the seats to notice. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
Nobody
takes it to the groin like Richard Lynch. |
-
- - -
| The
Beast
of Yucca Flats |
| and
beware the wheels of progrees. |
M'man
Tor Johnson plays a defecting (defective?)
Russian scientist who gets bushwhacked in the deserts of Nevada
by the KGB. Tor retreats into the desert just in time for the latest
A-Bomb test.
Tor
turns into the Incredible Bulk and hulks around the desert killing
all who come in his path, while a morose narrator laments about
getting steamrolled by the wheels of progress. That narrator droned
on and on but Mike found his philosophy on life very similar to L.
Ron Hubbard's.
A
nuclear family of four loses two, as the children wander off in the
desert and run afoul of our monster. Meanwhile, two redneck
patrolmen decide to shot first and ask questions later and mistake
the father as the psycho murderer.
This
merry homicidal chase goes on and on until Tor finally keels over, I
assume, from heatstroke while a lonesome bunny solemnly grieves.
The
craptacular duo of Coleman Francis and Anthony Cardoza strike again.
I'm still trying to figure out what that opening assault before the
credits had to do with the rest of the movie but my brain isn't
functioning properly right now.
Is
this what A.D.D. feels like?
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Oh,
yeah. Rednecks shooting innocent bystanders from a plane
definitely counts. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Bad
Tor! |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
Good
Tor! |
-
- - -
| Fortress |
| Behold
the Power of the Intestinator! |
In
the far flung future of '99, yeah I remember when this happened,
Zero Population Growth is the norm, so if you breed out of season
you go to jail. Christopher Lambert and his wife get caught with one
in the oven, so they're incarcerated in a co-ed underground prison
that's guarded by Spaceballs
and sadistic warden.
Each
prisoner is force fed a small explosive device that will give you a
lethal case of indigestion if you break out. The audience dubbed
this doodad The Intestinator. Our feisty couple find out the warden
is really a cyborg -- that wants to really know what love is, and
this helps them engineer their escape.
That
'70s Show
references were flying fast and furious during this in reverence of
the presence of Kurtwood Smith as the warden. I love Red Foreman as
much as the next guy but Mr. Smith will always be Clarence Bodiker
to me, no matter whose foot gets broke off in my ass.
I
blame the sugar, mostly, for my constant, and consistently bad,
impersonation of Christopher Lambert's Highlander
motto - "There can be only Juan!" It was also the general
consensus of the audience that The Intestinator will run for
governor in California in '08. G'night folks. I'll be here all week.
Tip your waitress and try the veal.
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
No
but some air-sickness bags might have been appropriate. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
No
but the Intestinator will give you a nice forced rectal. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
You
can't have a good prison riot unless somebody does. |
-
- - -
| The
H-Man |
| Done
broke and it broke real bad! |
Kudos
goes out to A&O films for the relatively low number of technical
glitches at this year's B-Fest (a problem that plagued last
year's event.) There was really only one big glitch this year
but, unfortunately, it happened during a film I really wanted to
see.
I'd
never seen Toho's The
H-Man before, and was
really looking forward to it, but just as it was getting up to speed
-- the film broke and they weren't able to fix it. *sigh*
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Maybe. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Maybe. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
Maybe. |
So
they substituted in a bunch of shorts to fill its time slot.
-
- - -
| Monkey
Business (Again) |
| -
- - - |
| TV
Guide Presents: Thinking About What We Watch on TV |
| -
- - - |
| The
Man of Stone |
| -
- - - |
| Courtesy
Comes to Town |
| -
- - - |
| The
Wizard (Again) |
| and,
luckily, they didn't show Gavotte again or my head would
have detonated all over the auditorium. |
The
highlight of the Monkey Business rerun
was the brilliant interpretive simian dance put on by Skip
Mitchell on the stage. Yes, Skip, that lone person clapping was me.
Didn't that hurt?
I
was subjected to the TV Guide short back in grade school. Say it
loud! Say it proud! I'm white and I is ignorant. Yeehaaw!
The
Man of Stone is an edited down version of what appears to be
an expressionistic (eastern?)
European gothic thriller. A narrator gives us a very non-secular
version of the legend of the Golem, as all references to the
anti-Semitism that triggered the use of the monster is glossed over.
The short was visually stunning, especially when that thing squished
that guy's head, and I'd love to see the full version of it.
The
fourth short tries to show us the keys to courtesy by debating whose
manners are better: kids or adults. A newspaper man sends his
glandular dysfunctional children out to uncover the truth. The film
is highlighted by a leering old man grabbing a young girl. That was
me yelling out "Bad touch! Bad touch!"
Whose
manners are better? Well? The film is a little ambiguous here.
The
Wizard? Still zany, still creepy. Wheeeeeee!
And
where the heck is What is Communism?
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
The
monkeys were flinging their own poo. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
I
think the siblings wanted to kiss in the morals short. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
That
Man of Stone is one bad mutha- fu - shut my mouth - I'm
just talking about the Man of Stone. |
-
- - -
| The
Magnetic Monster |
| and
the old bait and switch! |
A
scientist thought it would be a
good idea to bombard a radioactive isotope with alpha waves for 200
hours. His intentions might have been good but the end result is a
mass that feeds on energy that could, conceivably, consume the
world. What? It's made of solarnite?
Richard
Carlson leads a strike team of scientific eggheads that try to find
and contain the isotope, then destroy it before it gets completely
out of hand so he can make the world safe for democracy. And then
his new family can get a house, with a big yard, trees and white
picket fence etc. etc. etc.
This
was a movie that I pitched in to help sponsor through the B-Movie
Message Board. I won't apologize for it, even though I
understand it was the cause of at least three audience member
committals to the loony bin and one unconfirmed suicide.
The
Magnetic Monsters plays out like one long episode of The
Outer Limits. It's a pretty good movie that played at the
wrong time during a 24-hour film festival. Too much science and not
enough action turned the tired and surly audience on it very
quickly.
This
film was supposed to be the grand finale but someone had the
foresight to talk A&O films into switching it around with The
Big Brawl so the festival would end on a more upbeat note.
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Yes.
Security fails us again. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
Isotopes
don't kiss. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
Yes,
In the green yard by the tree. Et tu, Richard Carlson? |
-
- - -
| The
Big Brawl |
| and
the old switch
and bait! |
Jackie
Chan's family runs afoul of the mob in prohibition era America.
Jackie fights them off as they try to force his father into their
protection racket. The Don is impressed with his fighting skills,
especially his display during an anachronistic roller derby
sequence, and wants Jackie to fight for him in an annual street
fight in Texas for a large pot of cash.
Jackie
refuses until they kidnap both his brother's fiancé and Mako, his
trainer, so he fights his way through several rounds of opponents,
each one tougher than the last. He does eventually win but plenty of
plot threads were still up in the air as the credits rolled.
If
they didn't care, I guess I won't either.
So
Jackie Chan catches us on the rebound after The
Magnetic Monsters.
The audience roared with delight as Jackie's girlfriend was played
by Kristine DeBell, old Alice herself. The roars reached deafening
levels whenever Mako challenged Jackie to be pure in mind, body and
spirit, so we encouraged him to stay the hell away from her because
he didn't realize where she's been.
I
also assume Jackie's last opponent, the big bald guy, who liked to
kiss his opponents while beating the snot out of them, went back to
the Fatherland after his defeat, joined the wermacht and was
eventually chopped up by a propeller after a brief dust up with a
certain archeologist with a penchant for raiding lost arks. The poor
sap.
|
Airline
Catastrophe: |
Nope. |
|
Wet
Slobbery Kissing: |
If
Jackie wants to stay pure he best keep his lips off Alice. |
|
Character
Takes One in the Junk: |
Yes,
several times. |
-
- - -
| Is
This the End of B-Fest? |
| Not
quite yet. |
Yeah,
wohoo, I did it! I stayed awake for the whole friggin' thing. That's
right. I kicked B-Fest ass! I'm the god. I'M THE GOD. OH MY GOD I'M
TIRED.
We
pitch in and help clean up the auditorium. C'mon people, those of
you who scrambled out so fast, you can do better than that cleaning
up after yourselves -- with a special shout-out to the goof who
spilled the Gold Fish Crackers then proceeded to grind them into the
carpet. Keep this crap up and they aren't going to let us have any
food in there at all next year, kids. This isn't your parents house.
Take all you want but leave only footprints behind you know what I
mean?. The rain forests are counting on us people. Didn't you watch The
Forbidden Dance?
After
a quick group photo, Mike and I headed to the Caddy but some idiot
left the dome light on (sorry about that, Mike) and
the battery was toast. Bergerjacques comes through, again, saving a
call to AAA, and gives us a boost. A nicer guy you'll have trouble
finding than old BJ.
During
the hotel party before the marathon, several of the B-Fest virgins
wanted to have a post party afterwards. I didn't want to temper
their enthusiasm but I knew from experience that all you really want
to do after B-Fest is take a shower and go to bed. And not necessarily
in that order.
So
the party was scrubbed but we gathered for dinner at a Chinese
Buffet House. El Santo manages to track us down again, the man is
truly amazing, and we recap the experience over egg rolls. Everyone
was leaving at different times in the morning, so we made our
goodbyes there and headed back to the hotel.
Upon
arrival, we have to pass through a convention of Scientologists
who've commandeered the hotel's convention center. I was a little
creeped out by all the chains and padlocks on the doors -- and got
even more creeped out when Telstar explained what the Church of
Scientology is all about. Wow.
There
was a message for us when we got to our room. The weather was
worsening back home, so the earlier we left the better. Not a
problem. Not even the knowledge that a thousand zealots were
congregating below me kept me from slumber, sweet slumber.
-
- - -
| Home
Again - Home Again |
| Let
it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow. |
The
next morning we packed up and headed out without a hitch. Except for
that part where I fell down a flight of stairs. But I'm okay,
really. The Caddy starts up fine. We pop in TelstarMan's B-Fest 2004
CD and almost drive into Lake Michigan as Mrs. O'Leary's 3rd Grade
brass ensemble butchers "Also
Sprach Zarathustra."
We we're laughing that hard.
As
we head down Lake Shore Drive, I see the exit we took last year that
got us lost, even though it's marked right. So we ignore the signs,
keep going for just two more blocks, jump over to Congress Blvd,
that dumps onto the Eisenhower and we we're out of Chicago in less
than 20 minutes.
You
got to be %^#@ing kidding me. My excursions into Chicago are like
the even and odd number Star
Trek films. One trip no
problems, the next a study in terror. This means we're totally
screwed next year.
The
trip home goes pretty fast as Mike gets me addicted to Firefly.
And why was that show cancelled again? The weather and the roads
weren't great but manageable. As we got closer to home it got worse,
though, and the frequency of cars in the median and the ditch
increased dramatically. Seriously, there were easily over a 100 cars
off the road between Des Moines and Lincoln.
We
make it through the Black Holes okay but, as soon as we cross the
Missouri into Omaha, our luck runs out as we hit a furious blizzard.
And since it was Super Bowl Sunday, not a plow was to be seen. Just
a big white sheet of make your own lane, on a four lane road, with
visibility down to nothing. It was white-knuckle time, but we didn't
stop the movie. Luckily, between Omaha and Lincoln, the snow stopped
and after Lincoln the roads were clear all the rest of the way home.
-
- - -
| Parting
Thoughts |
| Thanks
again, everybody. |
This
honestly was the most fun I've ever had at B-Fest.
It
was a pleasure meeting all of the newbies and equally great to
finally put some faces on some people I'd been talking to for a long
time. It was good to see Skip, Marlowe, Ragnarok and the Stompers
again, too. Hopefully the good Dr. Freex will be able to return next
year.
BJ?
Thanks for everything, man. Telstar? Lead and we shall follow.
Marlowe? Yes, we do need to do another roundtable together. Howz
about John Wyndham? I call dibs on Day
of the Triffids. Mike?
Thanks for driving despite all the f---tards on the road. And to
A&O films for putting up with us and putting on a fine show once
again.
See
ya next year at B-Fest 2005.
| Well,
Survived Another One. |
| Back
to Part
I! |
| So
who're are these clowns I'm talking about? |
| B-Fest
Photos! |
| Big
thanks to Mike Bockoven for the photographic evidence. |
|
