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The lights went down and everyone else settled back into their seats. The next feature was to be a midget short and that got the crowd very excited. It was called Movie Maniacs that featured a drunken and surly midget dressed up like Charlie Chaplin running amok.

He eventually pisses off the wrong people and has to make a run for it. The running looked vaguely familiar and I realized it reminded me of The Wizard of Speed and Time. I wasn’t the only one as a lone audience member stormed the stage and started kicking the floor.

Despite the audience’s pleas, the short was not repeated backwards.

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Fifteen films into a bad movie marathon and the team of Golan/Globus finally shows up. It’s a typical tale of spoiled upscale kids versus poor kids whose lives have been honed by the mean streets of the city. But here, instead of knifes and chains, the class war is fought with the power of dance!

After being expelled from a formal dance troupe that was crimping their style, two break dancers, Shabado Quinonas and Bugaloo Shrimp, team up with Lucinda Dickey and Christopher Macdonald and try to win a spot in some big dance revue.

Our little troupe preservers and lands the coveted last spot in the revue by dazzling a panel of judges. They gradually win them over eliminating their arch enemies of the formal dance troupe in the process. 

Oh, yeah. The guy singing the theme from Flashdance in the back of the theater? That was me.

Okay, so, we have a riot during Message from Space, but the audience goes nuts and cheers for a break dancing movie. 

I tell you, there ain't no justice in this world.

I wonder if the cafeteria is open yet?

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I belong to a select group of people who comprise the Battlefield Earth Club. To talk about Battlefield Earth Club can get you into trouble. What little I can tell you is the video was given to me, with instructions to watch it, and then pass it on to someone else. I did as I was told. Last I heard that single copy had exchanged hands at least a dozen times and was now somewhere in Wyoming.

In other words, seen it, don’t want to see it again. Never liked John Travolta. Never will. On the way to the cafeteria I curse Quentin Tarintino’s name for giving John his career back. What was he thinking? I don’t know, Travolta always had that face that screams, "Punch me!"

I buy a couple of cheeseburgers, fries and a big soda and find a table with a nice scenic view of Lake Michigan. At this point I’m still not sure where Paul is and I hope he’s okay. Factoring in all the circumstances, those were the best dang cheeseburgers I ever ate.

I found one of those computer stations situated outside the theater and checked my e-mail and dropped by the B-Message Board and logged in on the Live from B-Fest Thread. I snatched two more B-Fest cups from the dwindling pile and made it back inside the theater just in time to see Big John blow the cows apart. *sigh* 

I settle back in my seat, marking time until the film ends.

- - - -

Nothing can restore your faith in humanity by having a classic come along to wipe away the memories of the previous film - no matter how beat up the print is.

As I said, the print was in pretty bad shape and the film ground to a halt a couple a times for repairs. During one extended lapse an eerily beautiful rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" began to pick up steam from the audience. It was off key in a minor chord but sounded great. To appease the masses while the film was repaired they ran The Wizard of Speed and Time both ways again much to everyone’s delight. The Hottentots stormed the stage and stomped away.

The repairs complete the film wheezed back to life and, despite several key scenes that vanished completely, Clint Eastwood still napalms the eight-legged nightmare into a big fiery mess.

And I don’t care what anybody else says, the special effects in that movie are pretty darn good.

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Okay, so Hammer Films revived the classic monsters in the '60s and got the blood flowing in bright red color. I don’t know, to me, some of them can be pretty darn dull and too gothic for there own good. The Mummy is the biggest culprit. Any film with a flashback within a flashback is in deep trouble in my book.

Christopher Lee drew the short stick, again, and had to go under wraps as Kharis while Peter Cushing got to play the good guy, again. Cushing and some others desecrate the tomb of Princess Ananka and accidentally awaken Kharis, Ananka’s guardian. The scene switches to England where a high priest of Ananka sics Kharis on those who raided her tomb.

He buzzsaws through most of them but it turns out that Cushing’s wife is the spitting image of Ananka so Kharis catches her and tromps off into the bog. The high priest is killed, the girl is saved and poor Kharis sinks into the bog until the sequel.

I’m still laughing at that big honking elephant gun that the spindly Cushing was hauling around. That thing was lifting him! It also should have knocked him right on his English keester every time he fired it.

It’s not that I didn’t want too but, at some point, I think it was half way through The Lonely Lady, I decided to stay in back and absorb B-Fest from the widest angle possible. I guess you could call it the Dr. Jane Goodall approach as opposed to the Steve Irwin approach.

And believe me, brothers and sisters, I had the best seat in the house. I saw everything. I had the seats memorized of all the laser pointers, flashlights and the "GYMKATA!" guy. In fact, I encourage everyone to try B-Fest from the back row at least once. It’ll give you a whole new perspective.

- - - -

The Japanese have found a UFO deep in the ocean and accidentally activate it. Meanwhile, Godzilla is rampaging along the coast. I find it funny that they don’t even bother to evacuate anymore when he attacks and the military doesn't give a hoot about civilian casualties.

After a rousing battle between the Big G and the military, the UFO shows up and, after a quick DNA check on the monster, blasts him back into the ocean. The UFO settles on a building and hacks into the world’s computers and starts gathering data on Godzilla.

A scientist, his cute kid and a feisty reporter figure out that the aliens have come to Earth to colonize and will adapt to the dominate species, which is obviously Godzilla.

Godzilla takes out half the city but manages to destroy the UFO and then turns his attention on the alien. The alien in turn tries to eat him but it quickly finds out that Godzilla is bad for the digestion and is flash fried from the inside out.

When I saw Godzilla 2000 in the theaters a while ago, it was the first Godzilla movie I’d seen in a theater since Godzilla on Monster Island waaaay back in the '70s. Godzilla movies are meant for crowds. Especially crowds who are big fans of rubber-suited induced carnage and mayhem. It was a ton of fun cheering him on with the others. It was perfect and ended B-Fest on a very high note.

Unfortunately that can only mean one thing.

Sadly, B-Fest 2002, has come to an end.

- - - -

The lights came up and I took a couple of seconds to soak up the carnage left over from B-Fest 2002. Wracked with pangs of regret I came to terms with the fact that one of the greatest 24-hour periods of my life had come to an end. I wanted it to keep going but it was over.

So it’s nothing that can’t be fixed for next year. 

In other words; See ya’ll at B-Fest 2003.

- - - -

We made it back to Omaha about 2:30 in the morning. I could have pressed on to Grand Island but chose instead to borrow a bed again. I fell onto the bed and the next thing I knew it was almost 1:30 the next afternoon.

I had put all my stuff in my car the night before so all I had to do was jump in the Barneymobile and head home. I made one quick stop at Krypton Comics and bought a copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special and several back issues of The Hulk. Then it was back on the road where home, my own bed and a nice long shower was waiting.

- - - -

See you all next year.

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