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While
a college professor rants about the impending arrival of the
Colossus Comet; the resident mad boy geniuses, Reed Richards and
Victor Von Doom, finalize their plans for an apparatus to harness
the comet's mysterious energies.
After
class, Reed (Alex
Hyde-White) (no,
not the bad guy in that Scooby
Doo
episode) and
his good friend, Ben Grimm (Michael
Bailey Smith), head home. Home is the
Storm Family Boarding House, where young Sue Storm
(who has a
big crush on Reed) and her younger brother, Johnny, wonder if
Reed intends to watch the Colossus Comet with them. But he has other
plans.
With
their machine completed, Reed wants to proceed with caution, while
Victor wants to plow ahead with reckless abandon. Colossus arrives,
so they crank up the machine (it's
kind of a glorified lightning rod) and
begin to soak up the energies.
Outside,
on the campus grounds, a large crowd has gathered to view the
Colossus lightshow. Ben notices the strange goings on at the science
lab and deduces his buddy, Reed, is up to something and
investigates.
Victor
(Joseph Culp)
forgot to carry the two
in his calculations, so the apparatus overloads. Reed manages to
bail off before the machine is consumed by the comet’s energies;
but Victor is caught in the flare. Ben arrives and manages to knock
him off of it -- but Victor is badly burned.
Later
at the hospital, Reed is informed that Victor died due to his
injuries. He feels responsible for the accident. As Ben consoles
him, Reed promises that Victor won’t have died in vain.
Ten
years later, Colossus approaches the Earth again.
Reed
has built a rocket ship. (If
he can’t bring the energies to his machines, he’ll take his
machines to Colossus.) He recruits Ben to fly it (he
joined the Air Force after college),
and rounds out his crew with the all grown up Sue (Rebecca
Staab) and the
less then mature Johnny (Jay
Underwood).
At
the Baxter Building, Reed and Ben remove a metal briefcase from the
vault. Ben accidentally runs into the blind sculptor, Alicea Masters
(Michelle Brown).
Ben is smitten and so is she.
They
are also spied upon by the mysterious sewer dweller known as the
Jeweler. He, also, is infatuated with Alicea but is more interested
in what’s inside Reed’s suitcase. There
are other spies afoot. Two henchmen of Dr. Doom, a mysterious metal
garbed figure, also has them under constant surveillance.
Reed
reveals the case’s contents to the other three. It is a large
diamond that will work as a "cosmic refractor" and power
his rocket.
Doom
orders his men to steal it but the Jeweler beats them to it. Doom
watches, through his spy cameras, as the sewer urchin steals the
diamond and leaves a replica in its place. This pleases Doom because
it will prevent Richards from getting to Colossus first. He will
enjoy watching the foursome die.
The
launch goes off without a hitch. Things continue to go smoothly
until Colossus’s approach. The fake diamond breaks down so instead
of refracting the radiation, the four astronauts are bombarded with
cosmic rays. The ship explodes and plummets back to Earth.
At
the crash site, all four have miraculously survived. Reed can’t
figure out how the ship could be obliterated while they escaped
unscathed. (His
analysis is a bit premature. They're not quite
"unscathed".)
Sue
can become invisible, Johnny keeps setting himself on fire, with no
detrimental effects, and Reed’s body has become like elastic. Ben
appears to be okay but the others are visibly shaken by their new
abilities.
The
foursome is presumed dead by the rest of the world. Alicea is
commissioned to sculpt a memorial for them. In the sewers, the
Jeweler decides that she is to be his queen and sends his minions to
kidnap her.
Meanwhile,
at the Hall of Justice (whoops,
wrong comic book) Doom is angered by Richard’s survival. He
sends his henchman to gather them before others discover they
survived. (And in one of those amazing comic book
coincidences, they crashed in Doom's homeland of Latveria.)
At
the crash site the gang is ecstatic, thinking they've been rescued.
The mood quickly changes at the sight of Ben, who has transformed
into a monstrous thing. Ben, not surprisingly, is upset by his new
condition.
They
are put under quarantine and thoroughly examined. (With
some weak attempts at humor.) They don’t realize it's all a
ruse and that they are prisoners of Doom. He plans to transfer their
new powers to himself.
To
do this, though, he needs the refractor diamond. So he sends his
henchman to the Jeweler’s lair but the Jeweler won’t sell; it is
to be a gift for his unwilling bride to be. They report this to
Doom, so he decides to take care of it -- personally.
Growing
suspicious of their solitary confinement, the Four decide to break
out. They knock out the guards and steal their uniforms, to
stealthily find out where they are. Ben remains in the cell to watch
the guards.
Sue
uses her invisibility to knock out the guard by the door. Reed
can’t read the foreign language on the computers; but it looks
familiar to him. They continue the search and find Doom’s evil
contraption to steal their powers.
They’re
discovered and the alarm is sounded. Ben hears this and busts
through the cell door to go and help his friends. Doom sends his
guards to kill them but they use there powers (rather
lamely I’m sorry to report) and escape.
The
four return home to the Baxter Building. Reed tries to figure out
what happened to them. He deduces how everybody received their
powers, and why, but Ben only wants to hear about a cure. He loses
his temper when there isn't one and storms off.
Ben
wanders the streets, scaring tourists and garbage men. Eventually he
is discovered by some of the Jeweler’s gang. They invite him to
join them, down in the sewers, and the Jeweler welcomes Ben to his
kingdom.
Back
at the Baxter Building, Sue unveils the nifty costumes she’s made
for them. Reed finally remembers where he saw the foreign writing
before. It's Latverian, his old pal Victor used to write like that.
He puts two and two together and deduces that Victor is still alive
and is Dr. Doom.
Speak
of the devil, Doom raids the Jeweler’s hideout and kills most of
his henchmen. The Jeweler threatens to kill Alicea if Doom doesn’t
back off. Doom could care less, he only wants the diamond.
Ben
cares however.
Doom
calls Ben by name and Alicea recognizes him as the man she bumped
into. Doom knows a good hostage when he sees one. He takes Alicea
from the Jeweler and menaces her with his gun. Ben picks a bad time
to revert to human form and is run off with a laser. Doom now has
the diamond and some insurance in Alicea.
Outside,
Ben screams in anger and reverts back to the Thing.
Doom
announces to the other three that unless they surrender themselves
to him, he will use his giant laser to destroy New York City. (He
demonstrates it’s destructive capabilities by destroying stock
footage of the White Sands atom bomb tests.)
Ben
comes back into the fold, they all don their costumes, jump into the
Fantisticar, and head for Latveria for a final showdown with Doctor
Doom.
Not
quite the end
As
big a B-Movie freak as I am, I have one passion that surpasses it:
My love of Marvel comic books. (And
yes, they’re #$%&ing comic books, not Graphic Novels.)
I read everything from The
Avengers to the X-Men.
I
used to read about 14 titles a month. (You
use to be able to buy 14 comics for the price of one today.)
I started in the mid-'70s and it reached an apex in the late '80s
when comics started to get a little too expensive as a side habit. I
kept up with my core titles until the mid-'90s, when Marvel
inexplicably began dumping twenty years of continuity, in most of
their books, in a bad decision to revamp.
Marvel
had been in a steady decline in quality in the '90s, anyway, with an
emphasis on style instead of substance. It became more about flashy
art and alternative foil stamped covers instead of the strong
characters which had made the Marvel Universe so great. So I gave
up.
In
my adolescence, I fumed as Marvel’s chief rival, DC Comics,
managed to translate their characters to the big screen with great
success. (Although
I think I’m the only person in the world who didn’t like Batman.)
Meanwhile,
every Marvel attempt ended in disaster. Anyone remember Dolph
Lundgren’s horrible take on the gun-toting vigilante in The
Punisher? How about George Lucas’s
disastrous Howard
the Duck? (Yep,
that was a Marvel Comic.) I remember seeing a preview for the
Captain
America movie in
a theater, but it was never released and went straight to video. (After
seeing it, I know why. It was pathetic.)
There
were also the yearly promises of a big budgeted Spider-Man
film, but it was
stuck in Hollywood litigation purgatory where it only recently
managed to escape. (It’s
presently in the hands of Sam Raimi and I hold high hopes for it.)
There
are a few basic concepts that Hollywood must come to grips with
before they can successfully translate a Marvel Comic to the big
screen.
1.
First
and foremost, they have to put more trust in their source material.
They tend to alienate the fan base by totally ignoring the history
of the comics. I cringe when I hear words like, "Although I've
never read the comics," and "I feel my interpretation of
the characters really adds depth."
Every
one of the films I've mentioned was dead before it started because
the screenplays were terrible and made no sense. I have no problems
with dramatic liberties but at least try to stay true to the
character. They didn't change Superman
or Batman's
origins for their films. (They
may have tweaked them but for the most part are consistent.)
Why do they insist on doing it for Marvel characters? (These
bastardizations of my childhood memories have got to stop.)
2.
Second,
films just haven't been able to capture that comic book action in
superhero battle sequences due to limited special effects. The
fights need to be epic but you need to get in real close to enjoy
the action. Before, these sequences were either run in slow motion,
or machine-gun edited, until you couldn't tell what happened. (With
films such as The
Matrix however,
I think CGI graphics can solve this problem.)
3.
Third,
and the toughest, is trying to find that balance between action,
plot and characterization. The main problem with Captain
America was that
it had too much bad plot and no action. Cap's total screen time was
less than five minutes.
It's
tough, but I think a decent production team, A COMPETENT SCRIPT, and
a good director can pull it off.
Which
brings us to this film.
I’d
heard that Roger Corman’s production company was making a movie
about Marvel’s famous foursome. I even saw a trailer for it, on
the Carnasour
video, but danged if I couldn’t
find it anywhere. Scuttlebutt said that it was so horrible, that the
powers that be at Marvel decided to shelve it. (It’s
come to light that a larger studio was interested in making an FF
movie so they pulled the plug on the film even though shooting was
finished.)
Eventually,
copies of the film began circulating around the comic shops and
conventions. I finally managed to get my hands on a bootleg and took
a look at it. (A
bootleg of a bootleg, judging by the quality of the video.)
Even
though the film isn’t great, it is one of the better
"interpretations" of a Marvel comic book I’ve seen. It
has a manic energy that almost overcomes its budgetary limitations.
(Almost.) If
nothing else, it is a lot of fun.
It
sticks, for the most part, to the group’s origins; but is way off
on Doctor Doom. The actors are enthusiastic enough, from the deadpan
Hyde-White, to the overly spastic Underwood, but there isn’t much
for them to do. They have the super-hero posturing down and do their
best with the sci-babble they’re given as dialogue.
The
special effects range from the very good Thing costume, and his very
articulate face (although
the stuntman in the suit was kind of small), to the laughable
stretching of Mr. Fantastic. The Invisible Woman had potential that
wasn’t tapped. The Human Torch’s fireballs are kinda neat but
when he finally manages to fully flame on into an animated flying
sequence, it turns out disappointing. (The sequence where he
races the laser beam and deflects it is eerily reminiscent of the
Mad Scientist episode of the old Fleischer Superman
cartoons.)
The
Marvel Universe is the best there is, and is ripe for Hollywood to
produce a completely satisfying film. It hasn’t happened yet, but The
Fantastic Four is as close as they’ve
come.
So
will I go and see the new X-Men
movie? According to the law of
averages, they will someday have to get it right, even by accident,
someday, and I intend to be there when it happens.
-
- - -
I
did see the X-Men
movie. I went in expecting the worst but am happy to report I left
with a smile on my face. Let’s hear it for the law of averages.
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