We open near a lonely adobe house on a secluded hill. You know, I once saw an adobe Wal-Mart in Taos, New Mexico. In fact, every building in Taos was made out of adobe. But I digress, on with the film! We spy a sign in the front yard, proclaiming it to be for sale, and things take an ominous turn as we decipher what's painted across the sign -- a scrawled warning to stay away. Closer inspection shows the house itself has been paint-tagged with this warning, too, several times, and when a car pulls up, a frantic Mr. Burns (Howard Weiss), the realtor, threatens to fire the house’s caretaker for this act of vandalism. On the verge of closing the sale on the property, he must quickly remove all evidence of the graffiti before the buyer shows up. A delivery boy arrives next with a load of food, but informs Burns they didn’t have some of the more exotic items -- like the bull’s heart, liver or monkey brains -- that the potential buyer requested. Busy, Burns tells him to just put the groceries in the kitchen and leave.

Burns manages to get rid of all the warnings before Jerry (Gary Hays) arrives. Jerry is a doctor who plans to turn the house into a clinic for abandoned and abused children. He’s also invited his girlfriend, and several of his doctor and intern friends, up for the weekend to whip the place into shape. After Burns gives him the keys and leaves, and Jerry starts to explore the old house, the soundtrack tells us there’s dirty work afoot. Entering the kitchen, he finds the groceries still on the counter and not put away. He takes stock of them and then goes ballistic because his exotic food order is incomplete. While he rants, someone dressed in black, wearing a pair of blue latex living gloves, sneaks up on him -- and repeatedly stabs him in the back! Rolling the body over, the killer starts to cackle -- and this will have you cackling, too, because the killer's evil laugh sounds just like the chain-smoking Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons. The cackling crescendos as the killer guts Jerry and deposits his internal organs into a porcelain basin by the rest of the groceries. And raise your hands if you see where this is going. (Also, the mysteriously disappearing grocery boy is now Suspect #1.)

With that, a drum machine and Casio powered travel song cranks up, then a Cyndi Lauper wannabe sings about being overworked while the credits roll. (Ah, nothing says the 1980’s like synch pop!) All the while, three men -- who we assume are some of Jerry’s guests -- make their way to the house. When a flat tire slows them down, Johnny (Steven Baio) and Mark (Myles O’Brien) fix it while the unhelpful Barney (Jerold Pearson) reads the latest issue of Fangoria magazine. (And is anyone else disturbed by how much Mark and Johnny flaunt their pecs?) Next, we get an inkling at the quality level of the script when Barney, chastised for not helping, replies, "Who are you calling a dip-[expletive deleted], asshole?!?"

As a general cinematic rule of thumb, if a script contains this line -- or any other lines equivalent to -- "Who are you calling asshole, asshole?" means, baton the hatches; it’s gonna be a long movie.

Heading to the side of the road to relieve himself in the ditch, Johnny, clumsily fighting off every natural instinct to look where he’s draining the lizard, urinates on a biker and his moll catching some sack time below. (Hah-hah, hilarity.) Johnny rushes back to the car and Mark floors it, leaving the irate and soggy biker in the dust. Also on the road to the house are Jerry’s girlfriend, Connie (Kim McKamy), and Tina (Jody Gibson). When their jeep stalls out, like any other mechanical illiterate (myself included), they pop open the hood and pray that staring at the engine will somehow cause it to heal itself. Connie starts poking around the motor while Tina continues to try and start it. But it’s no go until Tina kicks the dashboard, magically bringing the engine to life. Hey, it worked for the Fonz -- and I do believe Mr. Baio, the co-scriptwriter, is showing his sycophantic roots. Bringing up the rear and rounding out the group is the snobbish Sammy (Tony Griffin) -- we know he’s a rich snob because he’s wearing a v-neck sweater, driving a Mercedes with a built in phone and is using it to talk to his daddy (and we gather that daddy has him on a short leash) -- and his girlfriend, Betty (Kathryn O’Bryan), who's upset because they canceled a weekend in Palm Springs to go and clean some stupid old house. Sammy explains that he and Jerry are good friends, and he owes him a favor; besides, the house has an enormous pool, and Jerry is a first rate gourmet cook. And then we get more back-plot as Sammy tells Betty a secret about the old house -- a secret he didn't tell the others in fear it would scare them away, but some ten years ago, a terrible murder took place there. (Plot Point!)

Meanwhile, at the house, our first suspect is tied to a chair. Circling the hapless grocery boy, we see the killer's face is covered with a mask as he rummages through a tool box. Finding what he wants, the killer produces a power drill with a wide wood boring bit locked in place, and then the evil laugh cackles up again while he drives the drill bit into the man’s guts. (Thus eliminating him as a suspect.)

When Mark, Johnny and Barney arrive at the house, they find no one home but do here some kind of gibberish (that sounds like a Jawa in heat) coming from somewhere. You can almost make it out as a warning, to get away, and something about children, when they trace the sound to a closet. They open the door *gasp* -- but find it empty. Finding an air vent in the back of it, Mark thinks that maybe some kind of breeze caused the noise. But Barney thinks the house is haunted and goes all paranoid. Then Mr. Burns pops up out of nowhere and scares them. (And where's he been?) The realtor scoffs at the claim of phantom voices, saying his cousin heard voices and is now committed. (Mysterious disappearance and family history of mental illness? Aha, Suspect #2.) They ask Burns where Jerry is as he leaves, but he claims he hasn’t seen him since he first came; it’s a big house, though, so he’s bound to be somewhere.

Outside, Burns runs into Connie and Tina, who’ve just arrived. He introduces himself and his wife, Sadie (Susan Grant), who anxiously waits in their car. Sadie can’t believe he would even set foot in that evil house, and the sooner they vacate the premises, the better. Inside, Johnny tries to calm Barney down, telling him about the pool and how they can all go swimming. When Mark says he has every intention of getting Tina naked and in the sack, Barney, aware that their situation is starting to resemble a horror movie, hopes Jason Voorhees doesn’t show up and kill them all. Johnny tells him to knock that "horror movie [expletive deleted] off" just as the girls come in, and, in Jerry's absence, Connie thanks them all for coming. The others aren’t very thankful when they find out the unlikable Sammy is also coming, but promise Connie to keep the peace just as he and Betty show up.

The first step is room assignments, so Connie shows them all to their quarters for the weekend. Jerry is still a no show but his car is in the driveway, which is a consternation to all. Johnny assures Connie that Burns saw him earlier, so she calls the realtor to see if Jerry told him where he might be. But Burns still insists it’s a big chunk of real estate and he's probably wandering the woods nearby. Remarkably unconcerned, Connie gathers the troops and tells them about Jerry’s plans to convert the house into a shelter for abused children. And with a little elbow grease, they can get it whipped into shape in no time. So they start cleaning -- and not just any kind of cleaning, but an '80s Synch-Pop powered cleaning!!! Gah! Inspired by Connie’s pep talk, Mark cranks up his boom-box causing men in short shorts to do disturbing things with brooms and dusters; and a mind numbing montage of sweeping and sliding down banisters follows. And when they’re not cleaning, they’re dancing with abandoned glee. (I shudder just thinking about it.) Uninspired, Barney retires to the kitchen, comments on how fresh the meat is, and starts cooking while the others merrily clean.

Night falls, and after a hard day of cleaning, the crew relaxes throughout the house. Johnny comes into the kitchen to tell Barney about the wine cellar he found, but now Barney is missing. We cut to a bedroom and spy a large knife cutting through the mattress from underneath the bed. Quickly, the hand and knife withdraw before the door opens and Mark and Tina spill into the bedroom. Tina, wanting to find out if what they say about urologists is true, tells Mark to strip down (it’s true!) and then let her take care of the rest. She takes her top off and they go for a roll in the sheets. He winds up on top, and as they start smooching and fondling, unknown to them, another hand has come from underneath the bed, through the hole, and joined in on the groping. The odd hand out starts fondling Mark’s butt -- much to his delight, until Tina says it's not her. Then who’s touching his butt? (The killer? I don’t think so.) They both jump out of bed with a scream, bringing everyone else busting into the room to see Barney come out from under the bed -- cackling away. He apologizes to Mark, saying he was aiming for Tina.

I’d call the horror movie nut a suspect, but he was with the other two while the first murder took place. So he’s in the clear, which makes him Red Herring #1.

Dinner is served.

Barney apologizes, he isn’t as good a cook as Jerry, but he did his best with what he had. They all compliment him on the liver. (Yes, they’re eating Jerry’s liver. Icky, icky!) When Sammy announces that his father pulled some strings and got him a prestigious internship at some high-ranking hospital, this upsets Johnny because, due to a lack of money, he had to drop his dreams of being a doctor and is now a lowly x-ray technician. Sammy knows this and tweaks Johnny over it, and as the argument grows more belligerent it gets to the point where Sammy asks Johnny to step outside to settle it once and for all. But Connie steps in and makes peace, and the situation is further diffused when Mark compliments Barney on the find potatoes -- but they aren't potatoes; they're Rocky Mountain Oysters. Mark still doesn’t get it until Betty whispers the Oysters true origins into his ear, and then proceeds to spit his last bite back out. 

Hah-hah! Testicle humor! Wait. Maybe a couple of them were Jerry's. Bleauuuurrrgh! Icky! Icky! ICKY!

The lively meal is interrupted again by a knock at the door. It’s the Sheriff (Hal Shafer), and he’s out looking for the missing grocery boy. They haven’t seen him. Looking around for a few silent moments, Sheriff Cash cackles a bit and then announces that he never thought he’d set foot in this house again. Showing him the door, Connie tells him to check with Burns. After Cash leaves, Barney goes paranoid bonkers, demanding to know why everyone’s being so cryptic about the house. Connie tells him to calm down and after they finish dinner she promises to reveal the history of the house.

Returning to his squad car, Cash gets on the horn and calls Fred, his deputy. Now Freddie (Johnny Vance) definitely went to the Barney Fife Academy of Police Training and is stationed up on the hill with a pair of binoculars to watch the house. He promises to keep an eye on those kids, and if they start smoking pot, he’ll bust them all. Cash tells him to leave the kids alone but to keep and eye out for the house’s old caretaker -- who they want to question about something. (Nope, they want you to think that the caretaker is Suspect #3 but we're getting too smart for that, so we'll call him Red Herring #2.) Freddie roger-wilco’s that order, and when he trains his binoculars on the Sheriff’s car, he radios Cash to ask who that is with him. Cash answers that no one is with him. Alas, Freddie reports that someone’s in the backseat of the car comes too late. He hears Cash gurgling over the radio and springs into action. Racing to the car, he finds Cash, dead, with a slashed throat. In turn, he's grabbed from behind, spun around, and stabbed several times in the gut.

Inside, Connie has gathered everyone together to give them the history of the house. Since Sammy already knows the story, he and Betty retreat upstairs for a promised "spanking." (Uh-oh, I think this is going to start getting kinky.) Finding the hot water is out, Sammy is indignant and puts in a call to that no good real estate agent. At Burn’s house, he and Sadie are in bed but she refuses his pitiful advances. As she claims her first husband never begged for sex (Plot point. Who’s this first husband?), the phone rings. Burns promises to take care of the hot water in the morning, but Sammy demands action immediately. Grumbling about firing the caretaker, Burns gets dressed. Before he leaves, Sadie warns him to be careful because the house is evil.

Back at the house, Connie confesses that ten years ago, the house used to be an orphanage. And when the owners hired an 18-year-old kid named Martin to help out, Martin was so cruel and nasty to the kids that several of them conspired and accused him of molesting them. Martin was arrested one those charges but later acquitted at trial. During the trial, though, his father hung himself in shame. After the verdict, Martin snapped, returned to the orphanage and killed all the kids and then torched the place. And since his body was never found, it’s been said that "Mad Martin" still roams the woods around the house, killing whoever comes near. (Making Mad Martin -- who may or may not be the caretaker -- or Burns -- our Suspect #3.)

When Connie finishes, that’s enough for Barney who announces he’s leaving ASAP. But the others aren’t so sure, so Connie tries to rally the troops and convince them to stay and help her and Jerry make something good out of something evil. Everybody decides to stay -- except Barney, but no one will give him a ride. And I think they’d all leave if they knew a cackling, rogue POV-cam was stalking them right outside the window!

Barney’s a nervous wreck, so Johnny says they’re all going swimming later and invites him to come along to get his mind off things. But Barney’s convinced the only way he’ll survive the night is to get out of there. He wants to ask Sammy for a ride, but Johnny says to leave them alone because they’re probably already asleep. But Sammy and Betty are far from sleeping: they're playing bondage games. Sammy has Betty tied to the bed, and when she laughs at his S&M outfit, he gags her. He then brings out a can of whipped cream but it’s empty. Cursing his luck, he tells her not to go anywhere (Hah-Hah! Bondage joke!), 'cuz there’s more whipped cream in the kitchen. On the way he runs into Barney who begs for a ride. And when Barney notices his get-up, he grows even more paranoid, warning him to to have sex or he'll be killed -- just like in the movies. Sammy believes Barney has finally lost it, but the guy is asking some pretty logical questions: Where’s Jerry? And the delivery boy? Convinced they’re bout already dead, Barney warns they’ll all be dead if they don’t get out of here. But Sammy brushes him off, saying he’s seen one too many horror movies, and movies on into the kitchen where Johnny and Mark are making plans for the pool party. Ignoring their "compliments" on his outfit, whipped cream in hand, Sammy heads back to Betty -- where, unknown to him, the cackling killer has already entered the room but, due to her gag, Betty can warn no one or scream for help.

Back in the kitchen, Mark tells Johnny that he should go after Connie. Johnny is reluctant. He likes Connie, but she’s Jerry’s girl. But with a little prodding and coaching from Mark, he’s willing to try and woo her away. Then Mark tells him Connie goes nuts for a man with a good body who rubs himself seductively. (Uh, okay.) Johnny says he’ll try that theory at the pool. Meanwhile, Sammy has returned to Betty -- who screams a warning through her gag, but he can’t make out what she’s saying until it’s too late; the killer comes out of the closet and takes a machete to Sammy, covering Betty in his gore. (We cut away but I’m going to assume the killer dispatches Betty too.)

Several rooms away (and out of earshot?), as Connie and Tina work in the old nursery, Connie goes into all kinds of morbid details on how Martin slit the throats of all the babies in the ward -- one even had its tongue cut out. (Again, I think we’re supposed to consider her a suspect but it’s impossible that she did it, so Connie is Red Herring #3.) Downstairs, Barney, armed with a baseball bat (-- ya know, I’m really starting to like Barney), cautiously answers the door. It's only Burns, come to fix the hot water problem, and Barney is relieved when the realtor agrees to give him a lift back to town after he’s done. Heading to the basement, Burns starts tinkering around with the furnace. (Hey, Einstein, the hot-water-heater is over there in the corner.) Outside, around the pool, Mark pulls Connie aside and asks her to help out Johnny, claiming his friend has a skin rash and keeps rubbing himself, to embarrassed to ask for help (that sneaky little matchmaker.) Connie falls for this and agrees to help. In the basement, Burns appears to have fixed the problem. When the lights mysteriously go out, he turns on his flashlight and realizes he’s not alone down there. From out of the darkness, the killer appears and takes off his mask. Burns recognizes whoever it is, but then takes a machete in the crotch that skewers all the way through and comes out between his buttocks.

Out at the pool, Mark encourages Johnny to make his move and reminds him to rub himself. Approaching Connie, rubbing his chest vigorously, he mistakes her close examination for a rash as being turned on. And when she invites him up to her room because she has something for him (some ointment), Johnny mistakes it as an invitation for some bed activity and can’t believe his luck. When they head inside, Barney tells them he’s hitching a ride with Burns and apologizes to Connie for his cowardice. (Where’s your baseball bat son? Didn’t those horror movies teach you anything? Stay armed!) Outside, Mark (who is turning into an A-1 creep) finally convinces the suddenly chaste Tina to jump into the sack with him again. She'll only do it if he promises to check under the bed first. (And the myth of blue balls is just myth people.)

Heading into the darkened basement to see what’s taking Burns so long, (again, son, where is your bat?), Barney's quickly back in full panic mode when all he finds is Burns’ hairpiece. Suddenly, the killer pops out of the shadows, runs by him, up the stairs, and locks Barney in the basement.

I assume he didn't kill Barney because he couldn’t get his machete dislodged from Burns? Also, you should know, by now, through process of elimination, who the killer really is. Have you figured it out yet?

Upstairs, Johnny gleefully rubs his pecs while Connie roots around for some ointment. Signals skewered, when he tries to kiss her, she quickly pulls away. She's very upset, but they quickly figure out that Mark has set them up. Speaking of Mark, he and Tina have retired to the bedroom and are going at it hard until Tina stops him, saying he forgot to check under the bed. Mark pitches a fit, but she’s adamant. He makes a big production out of it but there’s no one down there. He then pulls the curtains back, and without even looking, proclaims no one's there, either. Next, he moves on to the closet, opens the door and, without looking, again, is about to say no one’s in there, either, when the killer comes out and plants an axe in his head. Thinking it's Barney playing another morbid trick ( -- and that was some trick with the axe), she asks the killer if she's supposed to be scared. Is she supposed to die next? Fine, she’ll play the part. Tina mocks in protest while the killer closes in and grabs her by the throat. She fakes choking noises until the killer breaks her neck. And that final look on her face, I believe, is genuine surprise.

Back in Connie’s room, she tells the mortified Johnny it’s OK what he did; they were both duped. But Johnny is really embarrassed and beats a hasty retreat. He heads downstairs, into the kitchen, and runs right into the killer. He, too, makes the mistake of thinking it’s Barney and gets cold conked with a hammer. The killer then ties him up and -- get this -- drags him over to a microwave oven that's sitting on the floor. Sticking the victim's head into the machine, over Johnny's protests, the killer sets it to cook on High for about ten minutes and hits start. (With the door open? Will that even work?) As his brain slowly cooks, Johnny starts flashbacking to his childhood until his head explodes.

Couple that with the fact that his voice gets higher as he’s being cooked and that scene is as goofy as it sounds and will have you spitting beer out your nose.

The only two people left alive -- three if you include the killer (and you really should know who it is now) -- hear Johnny’s head go pop and the microwave chime. Barney’s still locked in the basement, but Connie is free to investigate. And as we get the final girl’s tour of the carnage, her hysteria grows as she bounces from room to room filled with gore -- but no bodies. She gets to the phone and calls the Sheriff and tells him to get there pronto because Martin is back and running amok. (Waitaminute. Isn’t the Sheriff dead already?) Then suddenly, the line goes dead. Unfazed, Connie opens a drawer and produces a .357 Magnum. Checking the chamber, she’s loaded for bear, and then cautiously enters the kitchen, finds the smoking and bloody microwave, but Johnny’s body is gone. Following the blood trail to the basement door, she opens it and peers into the darkness. Where’d Barney go? (No, he’s not the killer. We saw him still locked in the basement while Johnny was microwaved.) She gets to the bottom of the steps, and turns the lights on, but the basement is empty -- except for several large tarps over in the corner. 

Pulling back the first tarp back, revealing several bodies, including Jerry, Connie then hears a familiar cackle behind her. Turning to face the killer, Connie watches as he walks nearer. Ma'am? You have a gun in your hand! It’s a .357 Magnum; the deadliest handgun ever invented! It could blow the killer's head clean off! Use it you ninny! She raises the gun and puts two slugs in the killer. (Thank you.) The killer falls to the floor, but recovers and manages to knock the gun out of Connie’s hand. (You dope. I told you to shoot him in the head.) Pulling out a knife, the killer backs Connie into a corner. Then he finally removes the mask, revealing that the killer is none other than -- all together now -- Sadie!

Sadie? The realtor's wife? Really? Sure it’s Sadie, she’s the only one left. Relax, let her explain.

Sadie reveals she is Martin’s mother. Remember, she said Burns was her second husband. This also might explain why she stabbed Burns in the crotch. Anyway, she also reveals that it was she, not Martin, who killed all the kids the first time. Not wanting anyone in the house where her son was brought to shame, that's why she had to kill all the others. Now, as she closes in for the final kill -- wait! Who's that climbing out from underneath that tarp? It's Barney! (Yeah, Barney!) He picks up the gun and puts two more bullets into Sadie, who finally falls dead. Connie runs to him, and he consoles her: like in all horror movies, Barney knew if he pretended to already be dead, the killer would eventually reveal themselves to the final victim, and then he’d spring into action. They hear sirens approaching so they rush upstairs. After they're gone, we do a slow pan back to Sadie -- and her eyes pop open! She lifts her head and starts cackling again, but it's her last laugh as she immediately falls back dead. For good.

And I’ll say it right now: the movie should have ended right here. But no, they have to tack on a really stupid ending. So take my advice and stop the DVD/tape right now. Fine...

Some time later, Connie finishes a shower. On the radio, a couple of DJ's inform that it's been a week since the mass murders. As the Morning Zoo Crew have fun talking about the grisly nature of the killings, including how some of the bodies were eaten, Connie dries off. There's knock at the door, and when she opens it up, expecting Barney, she instead comes face to face with the masked killer. Connie screams and retreats back into the apartment. The killer stalks her all the way back to the bathroom, but when he stabs her, nothing happens; the knife is a fake. The attacker takes off the mask; it's Barney. He leaves the bathroom, laughing at his own little sick joke; but Connie spies some scissors on the counter, and the look on her face tells us that she definitely isn't joking. Snatching the scissors, the screen goes black as we hear Barney scream while he's stabbed to death. 

While Scott Baio was making Joannie Loves Cha-Chi, and Jimmy Baio was breaking in with the Bad News Bears to pitch in the Astrodome, cousin Steven Baio was teaming up with Dominick Brascia to make a horror movie. Fans of the Friday the 13^th series will remember Brascia as the chubby, mentally-challenged, chocolate-chowing Joey who gets chopped to pieces with an axe in Friday the 13^th Part V: A New Beginning -- the one without Jason if memory serves. In fact, the issue of Fangoria