Admittedly - Danger: Diabolik! barely qualifies for Operation: 00oddballs. Our hero of the piece isn't a super-spy - but a villain of the vilest variety. So why is it here? Well I could go on about how it qualifies but I'll be frank and say the real reason I'm reviewing it is because I really have no desire to watch Monica Vitti as Modesty Blaise ever again - ever, never, ever. (Or as I like to refer to it - Modesty *Bleaugh*.) 

So Diabolik it is - a film that is probably best known here in the states as the final episode of the late and lamented Mystery Science Theater 3000. Can the film stand alone without Mike and the Bots? Read on.

- - - -

We open in an unnamed European city. How do we know it's Europe? Well a police convoy just roared by and the wailing sirens kind of tipped us off. The convoy is escorting an armored truck, that is carrying ten million dollars, to the pier for shipment somewhere else. 

Inspector Ginko (Michel Piccoli) is in charge of this operation and it's all a ruse. In the armored car are sacks of blank paper - used as a decoy to lure anyone who wants to steal it away from the real money. Ginko admits to his superiors that the entire crime underworld doesn't scare him but one man does - Diabolik - a mysterious criminal mastermind known for pulling off nearly impossible crimes. (And the mere mention of his name strikes a dissonant chord on the soundtrack.)

The real money is hidden in a Rolls Royce. Several officers disguise themselves as dignitaries and drive the luxury car towards the docks for whatever rendezvous awaits the currency. As they pull away, we spy a black Jaguar tailing them. (The dissonant chord on the soundtrack, when the car appears, tells us this is our probably our boy.)

The Rolls makes it all the way to the pier without incident. Up above, on a crane, sinister hands work a flatulent remote control (- honest, it sounds like somebody's tooting whenever a button's pushed) and soon the Rolls, and it's accompanying unmarked police escort, are enveloped in a colorful smokescreen. 

The Rolls is abandoned and lost in the smoke. Ginko spots the Rolls, in a net, being hoisted by the crane out over the water. They also spy a man, clad from head to toe in black leather, laughing at them like Snidely Whiplash. Ginko rages Diabolik's name while his men open fire. Diabolik ignores the bullets and shimmies down the cable to the Rolls - pulls out the money bags, drops them in the drink and then dives in after it. The water swirls into a whirlpool, and continues swirling, as the credits roll to a swanky nonsensical tune. (If this swirling keeps up I gonna need some Dramamine.)

Diabolik (John Phillip Law) escapes in a waiting speedboat and then transfers the money into his black Jaguar. But he's spotted by a patrolling helicopter that gives chase until the Jaguar disappears into a tunnel. Inside, we spy a blonde woman, waiting, in a white Jaguar. 

At the other end of the tunnel, the helicopter waits. Soon enough, the black Jaguar emerges and is greeted with a hail of gunfire. It crashes over a cliff and explodes. The copter radios it in and returns to base. After the smoke clears, we go back inside the tunnel and spy Diabolik, the mystery woman and the money sitting in the white Jaguar. 

The woman, Eva (Marisa Mell), is Diabolik's partner and lover. She peels his mask off and they swap some spit. (And I honestly don't know how the guy breathes through that thing.)

They drive off and soon Diabolik is pressing more buttons - the flatulent remote control farts a signal - opening the hidden entrance to his super-secret hideout. Past the vaulted doors, through the lighted tunnel - that looks just like the revolving tunnel Bigfoot carried the Six-Million Dollar Man through - and once you reached the giant day-glow tinker toys, you're in. 

Diabolik drops Eva off at the bedroom and she strips, heading for his giant rotating bed (that would put Matt Helm's to shame), while he goes to put the money in his vault. He opens it - but hesitates before putting the money in.

Ginko reports to his superior, the Minister of Finance (Terry Thomas), on the botched mission. The Minister can't believe that one man can outwit the entire police force. Diabolik will have to launder the money, somehow, and get it out of the country. Ginko says it's no use - Diabolik is too tricky and who knows what he'll do with all that money.

On that note - we go back to the giant rotating bed that is now covered in ten million dollars. A certain pile keeps moving, and soon the couple emerge. Okay, the movie is Italian, the Minister is British and the currency is American. Where are we exactly again?

The Minister holds a press conference on the current crime wave that's sweeping the country. And to his regret, the government has reinstated the death penalty. The reporters bombard him with questions - and we recognize two of them are Diabolik and Eva. While the Minister rants that Diabolik won't make a fool of him, the two villains both swallow an anti-exhilaration-gas antidote. Then Diabolik snaps a few pictures - releasing the dreaded exhilaration gas with every flash. It starts with a few giggles - but soon the press conference is reduced to a giant quivering mass of hysterical laughter.

Ginko wants to resign but his superiors won't let him. In fact, he's granted the "special powers" he's been requesting to reign in the criminals that are running rampant. But he's expected to get results - or else.

After some flying newspapers and nifty animated sequence, showing Ginko's noose around the underworld's neck growing tighter, the police crackdown continues. One of their primary targets, I'm assuming since they can't find Diabolik, is crime lord Ralph Valmont (Adolfo Celi). (Last scene wearing an eye-patch and tormenting 007 as Largo in Thunderball and annoying Bond's brother in Operation: Double 007.)

Valmont and his lieutenants meet on his yacht to try and come up with a plan to combat the police. His syndicate is falling apart. And to make matters worse - word comes that his night club, the base of his narcotics operation, has been raided and all the drugs seized. (The trippiest scene in the whole dang movie.)

That's the last straw. Valmont calls Ginko and the two strike a bargain. If the crime lord can deliver Diabolik to Ginko, then the Inspector will back off and turn a blind eye towards Valmont's dirty deeds.

The action leaps from the boat to Valmont's private jet plane (not the first and not the last example of the film's time and space warping abilities.) Valmont puts his plan to a vote and his underlings vote five to three to turn Diabolik over. Valmont makes it unanimous by shooting two of the dissenters and sending the third plunging to his death through a trap door. (I mentioned they're on a jet now right? Actually Valmont tried to shoot the third but missed and - in a funny scene - another henchmen uses a piece of gum to nonchalantly seal the breech caused by the stray bullet.)

Valmont sets his plan in motion. He orders everyone to keep their eyes and ears open. Diabolik's secret life must have a chink in the armor somewhere. They know he has blonde girlfriend and to concentrate on finding her. For if you find her - you find Diabolik.

In the super-secret lair, Diabolik and Eva are still in bed. It's Eva's birthday soon and he asks what she would like as a gift. They watch the TV and a news report comes on about some foreign dignitary's impending visit. It gets their attention when mention is made of the dignitary's' wife and her fabulously necklace - consisting of eleven emeralds. Eva wants that for her birthday and Diabolik promises to get it so they go to work.

Eva disguises herself as a prostitute (not much of a stretch) and stakes out the hotel/castle where the dignitaries are staying. After a few hassles with another prostitute, fearing she was invading her territory, Eva reports in. The dignitaries are staying in the highest room in the castle/hotel with thirty cops outside, and thirty more inside, and every room covered with surveillance cameras. Diabolik believes Ginko is in charge of such elaborate security. Eva says she didn't see him but Diabolik knows he's there.

He's right. Ginko escorts the elderly couple up to their room. He instructs them to leave the emerald necklace out, in plain sight, as bait. We notice a hidden camera, secreted in a large portrait, hanging on the wall that is focused on the bait. All entrances to the room are covered - except the back window because to get to it "is a steep wall that even a fly couldn't climb." 

That's because flies don't have camouflaged leather jumpsuits and suction cups to climb those steep brick walls. Diabolik takes out the guards on the beach and uses the suction cups to scale the wall. He reaches the window and - with the help of a Polaroid - foils the security camera. He snaps a picture of the room and places it in front of the camera.

There is one hitch, though, the wife comes out, sees her necklace is gone and screams before he can get away. This brings Ginko and his boys a running. Diabolik was using the stairs to make his escape but must now retreat to the roof with Ginko hot on his heals. He locks the door and scans for a means of escape. There aren't any - except for a catapult.

Ginko breaks the door down just in time to see Diabolik launch himself with the catapult, over the wall and into the sea. The officers fire at the falling body. Several officers swear they hit him - and no one could survive the fall anyway. But Ginko orders everyone down to the beach to find the body. After they all leave, a very naked Diabolik emerges from behind the catapult and scampers down the steps. (I wonder were he's hiding the necklace?)

Meanwhile, the prostitute who hassled Eva reports to Valmont. With the help of an artist - and more animated hijinks - they get a composite sketch of Eva. Valmont believes a woman of such beauty must have had  some work done by the infamous Dr. Veneer - lost-licensed physician to all criminals. They round up the plastic surgeon but he denies knowing her. He's lying. Valmont suspects this and warns he'll be killed if his denials prove false. After Veneer leaves, Valmont orders copies of Eva's picture distributed among his cronies.

Back at the beach, Diabolik's deception is uncovered but he's already escaped, with Eva, in his car. Several patrol cars spot them and give chase. Diabolik and Eva listen to their own police band radio and realize the cops are closing in. They stop and lay a trap for their pursuers - by stretching some tin foil across the road. Eva is injured while unloading it but they get is set up and escape while the cops crash into the foil, swerve off a cliff and explode on impact.

On the way back to the super-secret lair, Diabolik orders Eva to have her arm checked by Dr. Veneer tomorrow. On her way, she's spotted in the white Jaguar by one of Valmont's goons and tailed to Veneer's office. 

Veneer warns Eva that this had better be her last visit but won't say why. His nurse prepares her for an infra-red treatment (?) - but is chloroformed from behind while Valmont sneaks up on the unsuspecting Eva. While Eva is drug off to parts unknown, Veneer pays the ultimate price for lying to Valmont.

At his lair, Valmont waits for Diabolik's call. The phone rings. Diabolik saw the ad in the paper for the missing white Jaguar. Valmont wants the ten million, plus the emerald necklace, for Eva's safe return. Diabolik agrees and arranges to meet Valmont at the airport. Valmont plans to pocket all the loot and turn Diabolik over to Ginko.

Diabolik is escorted onto Valmont's jet and positioned right on top of the trap door. After the plane takes off, Valmont demands his ransom. Diabolik hands over a suitcase. All the money appears to be there but the necklace is missing. Valmont demands it but Diabolik says, no Eva, no necklace. Valmont can't believe his unprofessionalism. Diabolik counters if he doesn't like it - to just use the trapdoor on him because it's the only deal he's going to get.

The pilot informs Valmont that they're over the target. Valmont orders him to circle the target until further notice. Diabolik is moved off the door before it's opened. Valmont tells Diabolik that Eva is down there below. They will give him a parachute - if he hands over the necklace. He hands it over and dons the parachute. 

Valmont fondles the necklace as Diabolik prepares to jump. Before he does - Valmont orders his men to shoot him instead. Before they can, though, Diabolik seizes Valmont and jumps out the trap door, dragging the criminal with him.

As they freefall, Valmont's jet explodes. Diabolik confesses that he hid a bomb in the suitcase because he knew it was trap all along. They plummet to the ground until Diabolik pulls the chord. They float towards the ground. Under the threat of being dropped, Valmont reveals that Eva is being held in a nearby cabin. Diabolik drops him anyway but they're close enough to the ground that it isn't fatal. 

Diabolik retrieves the necklace, heads to the cabin and rescues Eva just in the nick of time from a cigarette smoking degenerate with some non-comic code approved biological urges. They head outside but discover that Ginko was in on the trap, too, and has the place surrounded.

Diabolik orders Eva to hide in the cabin and if he's captured, she knows what to do. He takes up a machine gun and starts peppering Ginko's men. The police close in, so Diabolik hits upon some plan. What it is we're not sure but he's chewing on his last few bullets for some reason. 

Valmont recovers from his fall and starts shooting at Diabolik too. Ginko tries to call him off but Diabolik jumps out and blasts Valmont, using up all the rest of his ammo. He ducks back down under a hail of gunfire. Ginko orders a cease fire and finds that Diabolik is dead. (Of no apparent wounds I might add. Is at any wonder why this guy is outwitted so often?)

Diabolik's corpse is hauled off for an autopsy. The coroner's assistant preps the body. Hey, she looks kind of familiar? The coroner prepares for the first incision when Diabolik's eyes pop open. He claims to have used some ancient Tibetan method to place himself in suspended animation. The assistant pulls her mask off confirming that it is indeed Eva.

Outside, several reporters await the autopsy results. Eva appears, wheeling the alleged corpse, covered in a blanket, right past them. She assures them that the coroner will make a statement, in ten minutes, that will be absolutely shocking.

At his office, Ginko mourns the passing of his arch-nemesis but can't believe he's really dead. He gets a call saying Diabolik has escaped. His assistant doesn't believe it. He's got Diabolik's death certificate in his hand. Ginko takes it and yells at him. It's Valmont's death certificate. He died of eleven gunshot wounds. Wait, wasn't there eleven emeralds? Ginko scrambles to find out where Valmont's body was sent.

At the crematorium, Diabolik poses as Valmont's elderly next of kin. The attendant gives him an urn and they head to collect the ashes. He scoops into the ashes - revealing all the emeralds that Diabolik somehow managed to jam into the bullets. (Too late. I already called no friggin' way.)

Diabolik gongs the attendant over the head, with the urn, and gathers up the emeralds. His disguise allows him to walk right past the unsuspecting Ginko. He returns to his super-secret lair and finds Eva swimming in a spectacular looking moon pool. (Who ever did the set designing on this movie didn't get paid enough.) He tells her to close her eyes and then gives her the emeralds. Happy birthday. (I hope he at least washed them off first.)

After the latest debacle, a new Minister of Finance is appointed. He offers a million dollar reward for information and the capture of Diabolik. He feels his new hard line stance will bring Diabolik to justice. He receives a message from the master criminal. It seems he doesn't think the government is spending it's money very wisely - so he'll just remove all the government's money.

The new Minister thinks it's all a bluff but is answered by a montage of government buildings exploding and collapsing. The government is in chaos. All the reserve money is destroyed and worse yet - all tax records of the population is lost, meaning they don't know who owes taxes and how much. The Minister calls on the nations civic pride to come forward and pay what they owe in taxes. He's laughed out of office.

As the government teeters on the verge of collapse, Ginko hits upon one more plan to bring Diabolik to justice. What's left of the government's gold supply is melted and formed into one 20-ton ingot. It's sealed inside a steel container and loaded on a train. (How this will stabilize the government is a mystery.) Ginko knows that Diabolik won't be able to resist trying to steal the gold. He hopes the giant gold ingot will pose too big a logistical problem and scare the thief off. 

Fat chance.

The train leaves the station. Ginko radios from his compartment, every ten minutes, to confirm that everything is okay. Meanwhile, a certain leggy blonde, in a pair of form-fitting hip-huggers, flags down a passing truck. It seems she's having some troubles with her Jaguar and needs a lift. She entices the driver out of the cab to get her luggage. After he gets out, Diabolik gets in and roars off. The driver chases him, on foot, while Eva jumps in the Jaguar and speeds after the truck - passing the hapless driver.

Diabolik uses the truck to run a police barricade but bails out before sending it over a cliff. It crashes to the bottom blocking the train tracks below. Eva picks him up and she blows a kiss to the poor truck driver as they roar past him again.

As it comes out of a tunnel, the train slams on the brakes and stops before running into what's left of the truck. Ginko orders the train to reverse quickly. He suspects that Diabolik has mined the tunnel entrance to trap the train inside. They make it out, just in time, as the tunnel entrance explodes and caves in.

The gold train is rerouted - not realizing they are falling right into Diabolik's trap. It crosses a bridge spanning over the ocean. Diabolik breaks out his trusty flatulent remote and it let's out the biggest fart yet. The bridge explodes and the train plunges into the water below. Who knows how many are killed - but we spy Ginko surface and swim to shore.

Below the water's surface, Diabolik and Eva use helium balloons and a mini-sub to haul off the giant gold ingot to his super-secret lair. Once they get it inside, Diabolik dons his fire-proof jumpsuit, that "would allow him to survive on the sun," and uses his laser to cut two small holes in the steel casing. He attaches a hose to one of the holes and jams the laser into the other. Gold melts at a temperature less than steel. He plans to smelt the giant ingot and use the hose to spray it into molds of smaller, and more manageable, gold bars. 

He cranks the laser up and waits for the gold to turn molten and liquefy. Once it does, he starts spraying it into the molds. He gives his customary sinister laugh but it is quickly drowned out by his intruder alarm. (His alarm sounds a lot like one of Bach's organ fugues.)

Ginko finally proves to be a worthy opponent. He's learned from his mistakes. Knowing that Diabolik would steal the gold, he "radioactivated" (I'm gonna assume he meant irradiated) the gold with radioactivity. That way, they could use a Geiger counter to trace it to Diabolik's secret lair.

As his base is overrun by the police, Diabolik orders Eva to escape out super-super-secret-tunnel number seven. He'll join her as soon as he opens the locks to the ocean, drowning everyone left inside the base. Eva won't leave him - but he assures her they'll meet again because he can't live without her. Eva slips off into the shadows as the police draw closer.

Diabolik makes it to the hatch, that will open the floodgates, but it's too late. The cops put out to much suppressing fire that he can't risk exposing himself to open it. He retreats back to the smelting room. He sees that he left his laser on and it's starting to melt the steel. He tries to reach the controls for the laser but is again met with a hail of gunfire. 

The laser overheats and explodes. Diabolik pulls his face-cover shut, on his suit, just before he is showered in molten gold. The smoke clears and the gold cools and hardens. The walls of the chamber are covered in gold. And in the middle, encased in gold, with his face still visible through his faceplate, Diabolik is a human statue.

Hours pass. Reporters are brought in to document the secret lair. Ginko supposes that Diabolik is dead again. (And after a flash of brilliance - he reverts quickly to extreme idiocy.) He doesn't like his enemy displayed like that, so he orders all the reporters out. 

Once the room empties, Eva appears, out of the shadows, and approaches the statue. She looks into Diabolik's eyes and then starts dry-humping the statue. Someone grabs her from behind. It's Ginko. He knew, if she thought she was alone, she'd come back to see Diabolik. (Okay, he isn't an idiot after all.) She asks for a few more minutes alone with her former lover. He agrees and leaves them alone. (He's an idiot.) 

She stares into his eyes again. They suddenly spring to life and gives her a wink. She says she'll be waiting for him. Ginko returns and escorts her out of the room. After they leave, we zoom back on Diabolik's eyes and he gives us a wink - and his patented sinister laugh echoes as we fade to...

Finis a/k/a The End

It's really hard to like this movie. I don't hate it - but I don't really like it all that much either.

It's hard for me to like this movie because I have a difficult time relating to anyone in this movie at all. The bad guys are so damn smug and amoral - and the good guys are such complete idiots - that it grows tiresome by the end. So much so that at one point, I was hoping everyone would just die putting me out of my misery. At the end, when Diabolik, encased in gold, winks at the audience - I honestly wished he'd just rot in there. Does that make me amoral too? Maybe.

Diabolik is the hero, by default, but his actions are, for the most part, despicable and totally self-serving. (I don't want to fathom how many people were killed during his rampage on the federal buildings - something the movie just glosses over.) His nemesis, Inspector Ginko, isn't much better. He's only effective when given "special powers" (read suspension of things like warrants and due process) and allies himself with gangsters to bring Diabolik in. Eva is as Eva does - but she just rubbed me wrong for some reason. Does she really love Diabolik? Or just all his really neat stuff and the ill-gotten goodies he brings her?

The film was produced by our good friend Dino de Laurentis, based on the Italian comic book of the same name by Angela and Luciana Giussoni. At about the same time, Laurentis was also backing another comic book adaptation, Barbarella, that is better known - mostly due to Hanoi Jane Fonda's strip tease during the opening credits. John Phillip Law actually appears in both films.

The film stays true to it's comic book roots - with a moronic plot of impossible daring escapades, followed by even more impossible escapes, that would only work in the four color panels of a comic. We can buy this stuff in the funny pages but on screen it will have you pulling your hair out in some instances.

So we have unlikable characters, doing very bad things, so why watch this movie at all? If you can get past the characters and story - and look at the picture as an exercise in style, by director Mario Bava, then the film excels. I wouldn't even call the film camp or kitsch but extremely over-stylized.

You're probably saying, you idiot, what's the difference? I'm honestly not sure - but there is a difference to me at least. Camp and kitsch are often associated with comedies. Now Danger: Diabolik! could be considered a black comedy but I honestly don't know what it is - except an over the top exercise in excess; greed, sex, violence, politics and whacko set-designs, costumes and props. Even Ennio Morricone's soundtrack seems slightly out of kilter but still cranked up to ten.

Think of it like you would a Tim Burton movie. Lot's of neat stuff to look at but after the film ends - nothing really sticks with you except the images. Danger: Diabolik! is like the polar opposite of Burton's Batman. Both have amoral characters doing bad things (only Batman's amoral ways brings the bad guys to justice - but still amoral nonetheless) but while Burton's vision is dark, murky and gothic - Bava's is a brightly colored explosion and pop art orgy. Part of Danger: Diabolik! style and script can also be attributed to the caped crusader's earlier TV show that took the world by storm in the '60s.

That is the main difference between this movie and the aforementioned Modesty Blaise. Bava makes his film watchable while Blaise is 119 excruciating minutes of Monica Vitti (who is sexy if you find a frumpy Barbara Streisand in a beehive hairdo sexy) changing clothes and Dirk Bogarde mugging for the camera. Even Terrence Stamp can't save that piece of poop.

When Danger: Diabolik! was first released over here in the states, it bombed and quickly disappeared. Over the years, it's garnered a cult following and more critics starting championing it saying, as Americans, we simply just didn't get it. 

Now being a dumb old American myself, maybe I am missing some of the hidden meaning and ambiguities of Danger: Diabolik!. I understand that the complete original print was accidently destroyed and the copy that I saw was cobbled together and redubbed, leaving some things out, but I don't know if it would really matter. 

It is one big piece of eye candy. A lesson in style and color that sensuously sizzles on screen put on masterfully by Bava, a director I do truly enjoy but is rightfully better known for his ghoulish horror tales. If you look at this film and the truly awful Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Bombs I'm glad Bava rarely tried his hand at comedy.

Also, as far as dumb old American go, I have an above average tolerance for films that are long on style and short on substance. I enjoy a good sizzle as long as it doesn't fizzle out by the end. Danger: Diabolik! is great to look at - but you can only look at a piece of art, no matter how great, for only so long before your eyes get tired, or you get bored, and move on. And to me, Danger: Diabolik! was sputtering out long before it crossed the finish line.

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