We open on a speedboat going full bore, destination, as of yet, unknown. And we, as a viewer, cross our fingers hoping it's not what I think it is, and that we've stumbled upon an old episode of Flipper, or Sea Hunt -- hell, I'd even settle for an episode of Thunder in Paradise, but no, the overdramatic score cranks up a notch as the credits reveal we are indeed watching *gack* Destination Inner Space (...and that theramin thick soundtrack is sounding awfully familiar.) And I, as a fellow human being, strongly suggest cracking open a couple of brews and start two-fisting it to help you through this one as a friendly warning of what is to come.

When the boat pulls up to a floating barge, clearly labeled The Institute of Marine Science, Commander Wayne USN (Scott Brady) comes aboard and is greeted by the Skipper (Roy Barcroft) -- and I call it: no Gilligan's Island jokes if you please. The Skipper runs the barge, topside, but the real work is going on down below, on the ocean floor, in the Sea Lab. Under the command of chief scientist Dr. LaSatier (Gary Merrill), it was he who alerted the Navy that something strange has been going on, so they sent Wayne, a seasoned submarine commander, to investigate. (And how that makes him qualified is one of the film's many mysteries. And if you're expecting to find Captain Murphy, Marco and Sparks and the rest of the Sealab 2021 gang down there, too, keep dreaming.) And being the old salt that he is, the Skipper offers a dire warning that Wayne might be wishing he's back on that sub before this current crisis is all over. 

Entering the airlock, Wayne descends via a diving bell to Sea Lab. Now, I know this "diving bell" looks like one of those baking soda operated toys you'd find in the bottom of your Captain Crunch cereal box -- but it gets better. How? Well, because the "Sea Lab" looks like the toy you got after you sent in a dozen box-tops, $2, and a self addressed stamped envelope. And then after waiting out six agonizing weeks, you get all pissy when it finally arrives because it doesn't resemble anything like what's pictured on the back of the cereal box. In other words: Sea Lab is approximately three inches long -- or those are the biggest damn seaweed leaves I've ever seen. Once on board the Sea Lab, LaSatier introduces Wayne to the rest of the staff: Dr. James (John Howard), Dr. Wilson (Biff Elliot), and their head marine biologist -- and absurd romantic subplot for this evening -- Renee Peron (Sheree North), who, due to her chick status and lack of lab coat, is never referred to as "doctor" -- but our square-jawed, paunchy hero is already giving her the big eye.

LaSatier tells Wayne he's arrived just in time. Seems Sea Lab has been detecting an unknown object, constantly buzzing their perimeter, and they've got it on radar again. Escorting Wayne to the control room, they watch the blip intensely and listen in on the sonar. Wayne concludes it isn't a submarine, and with it's wobbly, concentric pattern, figures that whatever it is it must be searching for something and assumes it's just a whale. But Dr. Wilson disagrees; the object has to be electrical because it also registers an ultrasonic frequency that humans can't hear but their instruments can pick up. Wanting to get a look at it, LaSatier tells Wayne that his head engineer, Hugh Maddox (Mike Road), and their photographer are already out there in a mini-sub trying to get a picture of it. Wayne grows concerned upon hearing Maddox's name. When Renee asks if he knows him, he worriedly nods his head affirmative, and we get the sense that there is bad blood between these two.

Out in the water, the checkerboard bikini reveals the photographer is another chick, Sandra Wells (Wende Wagner). They spy something moving in the murky distance and the dissonant chords on the soundtrack says that's gotta be their target. They radio in that they're going in for a closer look, but LaSatier orders them back because they're almost out of air. Sandy takes a quick snapshot, and as the two return to Sea Lab, we notice there's an awful lot of ambient light down at the bottom of the ocean.

Back inside, LaSatier interrupts a lovers spat between Maddox and Sandy and asks to see their pictures right away. In the lab, Renee is giving the obviously bored Wayne the "ecological wonders of the deep" speech. Wayne finally interjects, saying, "there are a lot more interesting things to study down here besides seaweed." A quick retort implies he's been serving on a sub far too long; she has five older brothers, and knows all the smooth moves, so he'll have to do better than that. Wayne counters that he has two sisters and assures her he never told them everything, then leaves. Renee sighs deeply as she starts to fall for the big dope.

Well, after that misogynistic scene, how about some totally inappropriate racial humor? Ho Lee (Victor Wong!), Sea Lab's cook (*groan*), intercepts Wayne and asks, in broken English, what he'd like for dinner. When Wayne asks for fish instead of steak, Ho Lee frets because Where is he going to find fish for supper? See that's funny because there in the ocean with all the fish down there -- and because he's Chinese, and...eh, let's move on.

Maddox and Wayne finally meet and give each other the stink-eye while looking over Sandy's pictures. (And if Maddox's baritone voice is sounding familiar, it should. Stick around -- more on this later.) Since they can't make out what it is, Wayne thinks they should shut Sea Lab down and call in the Navy until its neutralized. Almost instantly, Maddox gets irate and nastily accuses him of "making another hasty decision." Ah, the plot thickens. And as those two glare at each other, LaSatier reminds Wayne that since Sea Lab is a civilian operation he's in charge. Maddox agrees, then snipes that it's not like when they were on the Starfish, Wayne's sub, cluing us in our their prickly history. Dr. Wilson breaks in, warning that the object has returned -- and it's heading right for them!

Next we have a jarring cut, and since there is little difference between the interiors, I will clue you in that we're now inside the UUFO. (Note to the filmmakers, an establishing shot would have come in real handy here!) Slowly, a glowing disco light descends from the ceiling and starts flashing; then a hatch opens up, and a lever pushes a giant cocktail wiener, frozen in a cube of ice, out into the light where it slowly starts to melt. Back in the Sea Lab, Maddox suits up in the diving room. Wayne then enters and says he's going with him to investigate the UUFO. As the tension boils over, Maddox starts ranting about a five men, a flooding compartment on the Starfish, and Wayne refusing to open the hatch to let them out. All five men drowned. But Wayne counters that Maddox somehow got out of the compartment all right, and then the fight is really on; but LaSatier, Renee and Sandy enter before they come to blows. Ah, the plot thickens some more. Old grudges will have to wait, warns LaSatier, until the present threat is dealt with. Both men grudgingly agree. Sandy wants to come, too, but Maddox orders her to stay behind. After Wayne sucks in his gut and squeezes into his wetsuit, the men depart. After they're gone, Renee encourages Sandy to sneak after them.

After an extended scuba-diving sequence, where they swim and swim and swim and swim and swim, Sandy catches up and they let her tag along. They find and enter the UUFO through a big hole in the bottom that we can only assume is a design flaw (-- and how the heck those three all fit inside that little UUFO prop is another mystery.) It's very very cold on board but they find the defrosted, two-foot long, cocktail wiener. While Maddox and Sandy poke at it, Wayne checks out the other symmetrical compartments and finds more frozen cocktail wieners inside them. Convinced the craft is of extraterrestrial origin (-- it reminds me of a bowling alley, go figure --) Wayne thinks they should return to Sea Lab and call in reinforcements. Maddox picks up the cocktail wiener, to bring with them, gladly ignoring Wayne's orders to leave it behind. And when they leave, close your eyes unless you want a big old buffalo shot of Wayne swimming away.

Wayne and a white-shirted ensign are the first on scene. Now, a white-shirted ensign is from the same species -- deadicus meati expendable -- as a red-shirted ensign of the Star Trek genus. Both share similar traits, especially a tragically short life expectancy. Donning gas masks, and armed with fire extinguishers, they head inside and use the foam to suppress the vapor -- and find the cocktail wiener, split open and empty! And then what was inside the wiener attacks and kills the white-shirted ensign from behind. (Everyone should have seen that coming.) Kind of a cross between The Horror of Party Beach monsters and those fish men in that one Outer Limits episode, the hatchling comes after Wayne -- but he blasts it with foam, then grabs the injured Wilson and drags him outside the lab. We hear glass breaking and a rush of water before Wayne seals the door shut. And when Maddox and the others arrive, he warns that something's in there and it killed one of the men. Maddox tries to go in anyway, but Wayne stops him before he floods the whole complex. Of course Maddox doesn't believe him -- about the monster, and thinks Wayne is up to his old tricks. Ignoring him, Wayne suggests to LaSatier that they abandon Sea Lab and call in the cavalry. They radio topside, but while Wayne issues the radio man his orders on what to do and who to call, the monster surfaces and kills everyone on board the barge. Down below, the radio line goes dead and the power kicks off. Luckily, the emergency generators kick in, but not so luckily, Sea Lab gets it's air from a pump topside -- and they only have about 12 hours worth of oxygen left unless they get it going again.

Despite all the evidence, LaSatier doesn't think the alien is hostile, was only defending himself in the lab, and wants a chance to communicate with it. But Wayne's not listening and orders another white-shirted ensign to get him a spear-gun and meet him in the diving room. Entering the pressurized chamber, the monster suddenly emerges out of the pool! Wayne and Maddox barely get the hatch shut in time but not before the white-shirted ensign gets savaged by one of it's claws and is hauled off to the infirmary.

With the radio out, the diving bell inoperable, and quickly running out of air -- and not to mention an alien monster lurking about, our trapped aquanauts weigh their diminishing options. A supply vessel is due at noon, but that's cutting it very close on the oxygen reserves. So Wayne orders them to seal off the lab to conserve the air. LaSatier protests that there are marine specimens that need oxygen in the lab. (Aren't the fish getting their air through the water? And wasn't the lab flooded anyway?) But Wayne has a different set of priorities; he seals off the infirmary and orders everyone else to the control room to save all the oxygen they can. Using the largest pithy brush he can find, LaSatier tells Wayne that he can remove Dr. Wilson from his cold equations because he doesn't need air anymore and has moved on to that great coral reef in the sky. Also, Renee brings word that the white-shirted ensign has developed a nasty infection and will die unless they get him to a real hospital very soon.

The situation dire and nearly hopeless, it's time for action. And when Wayne asks for help in subduing the creature, Maddox refuses to take orders from the ruthless tyrant. Having had enough, Wayne dresses down Maddox in front of everyone, angrily accusing him of lying to himself and the others. Sure, Wayne sealed off that flooding compartment on the Starfish. He had to to save the rest of the crew. But there was an escape hatch in that compartment. And why was Maddox the only one who managed to get through it? Wayne pushes further, accusing the man of panicking, and freezing up, while the others drowned -- and he's been transferring his guilt on to Wayne ever since. Ah, the plot comes to a boil. But then, Wayne's tirade softens a bit; he admits everybody has a breaking point and anybody can crack under the pressure. Encouraging him to stand up and admit it, like a man, Maddox confesses: he did freeze up, and that's why he left the Navy because he couldn't face his comrades after that. And just like that, Wayne welcomes him back to the fight and they're suddenly bestest friends again. Ah, the plot sputters and pees down it's own leg. 

With that crisis resolved, while the others leave to set up a trap for the creature, Sandy consoles Maddox, saying it was brave to fess up -- and now that he's admitted to killing five people, she's more then willing to fall in love and marry him. (Gah!) Rounding up yet another white-shirted ensign, Wayne gathers up several spear guns and sets up an elaborate trap for the creature. Arc-welding the guns to the bulkheads (-- way to conserve oxygen there, ya knotheads --), they string rope through the triggers and set a trip wire in front of the diving room door. The trap set, Wayne knocks on the door and that brings the creature a running. It trips the wire and takes three spears in the chest. Roaring in pain, the thing stumbles back into the diving room and jumps into the water. 

Believing it's only wounded, Wayne wants to go after the creature and finish it off. Maddox and the last white-shirted ensign (-- and considering the monster's score, buddy, I'd reconsider this --) volunteer to help and suit up to go with him. Armed with spear guns, they play a game of cat and mouse -- or maybe shark and tuna, considering the circumstances, with the creature. Maddox manages to get another spear into it, and what follows is an underwater ballet of flailing arms, legs, and slow-motion punches as the men try to subdue the creature; kind of a precursor of future movie fight choreography, like a low-tech version of bullet time from The Matrix. Quite a sight folks, quite a sight. Now, the outcome of this fight appears to be far from settled, but the editor saves our heroes as we magically jump-cut back inside the Sea Lab, where Wayne, Maddox and the (I'm as shocked as you are that he's still alive) white-shirted ensign hold the creature down while LaSatier gives it a sedative. 

As thee monster quiets down, Wayne orders the white-shirted ensign to secure the creature and keep everyone away from it while he and Maddox jump back in to the water and head topside to get the pumps working again. Alas, the white-shirted ensign must have failed basic seamanship, judging by those knots and shoddy work on binding the creature, and to make it worse, LaSatier held back on the sedative dose, not wanting to harm the creature, so if you see this ending in fire, too, give yourself a cookie. Wayne and Maddox quickly make it to the surface without getting the bends and make a grisly search of the barge. Maddox says the diving bell is toast but that's not Wayne's biggest concern: he's thinking about the UUFO -- and the other cocktail wieners still on board! 

Almost on cue, we cut to inside the spaceship where another frozen cocktail wiener is shoved out and starts defrosting under the disco light.

Up above, Wayne asks if the barge holds any explosives. Maddox says they have some TNT left over from when the cleared the coral reef for the Sea Lab. (That's conservation for ya!) With the explosives in tow, they return to Sea Lab and start rigging a detonator for it. Now fully succumbed to Carrington's Syndrome, LaSatier begs them not to destroy the UUFO. Warning that it isn't a visitor but an invader, Wayne says they have to stop it before more creatures can be hatched. While they argue, Sandy gets her man alone and they have one of those ungodly maudlin conversations that convinces us that poor Maddox probably won't be around for the final reel. The detonator finished, Wayne and Maddox submerge, and once again, Sandy sneaks after them. Entering the UUFO, they spot the nearly defrosted cocktail wiener and start setting the charges.

Back on the Sea Lab, Renee feels sorry for the creature and starts to apply water to it to keep it from drying out. The monster, that had been stirring, rages awake and breaks it's bindings rather easily. But it ignores Renee and heads straight for the diving room and plunges into the sea. In the UUFO, the charges are set and Wayne starts the timer, just as the monster crashes through the entrance and comes after them. Maddox ignites a flare and holds the creature off, ordering Wayne to get Sandy safely out of there. (The poor sap, he never stood a chance -- and it's doubly hard trying to be heroic while wearing those huge flippers.) Wayne grabs Sandy, who won't leave her man voluntarily, and jumps back into the water. Maddox and the creature wrestle until it knocks the flare away, where it conveniently lands on the explosives. Out in the water, Wayne and Sandy barely get clear before the UUFO detonates into a very small pieces, taking Maddox, the creature, and all the frozen cocktail wieners with it. Wayne solemnly shakes his head as the two roll away in the blast's wash to safety.

Later, after the things are repaired and brought back to normal, Wayne returns to Sea Lab. He finds everyone packing up their gear. Renee says Dr. LaSatier is sad because he's being removed from this project. Wayne says he won't be sad for long after he breaks some good news to him. Finding LaSatier in the lab, staring through the porthole at the sea, he tells Wayne that they blew a golden opportunity; they had a brand new life form to study but instead they blowed it up. Ignoring that, Wayne thanks him for overseeing the repair operations on Sea Lab, but now, the President of these United States wants to see him. The Commander-n-Chief realizes that the first UUFO had to be destroyed but he wants to put Dr. LaSatier, and his group, in charge of researching a plan to communicate with the aliens when and if another one shows up (and apologize for blowing up their first ambassador before Wayne blows the second one up, too.) With that, LaSatier perks up, answering we can't keep that man waiting and leaves to gather his things. Wayne then turns his attentions to Renee and asks, What's the best pick up trick her brothers taught her? She's ready to try something different: the direct approach. She tells him this, then leaps into his arms and smooches him.

The End

When one thinks of the 1960's and the subject of pioneering and exploration, we usually recall NASA's heyday of Apollo and (allegedly) landing people on the moon. Yet the 1960's was also the era when people became fascinated with another area of exploration of the virtually unknown; not in outer space, but underneath the surface of the oceans. (How else could you possibly explain the success of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea -- but I kid.) 

Destination Inner Space combines both elements and comes up with one, cheesy and gooey mess of a film. It is the realization of a nightmare; of what would happen if the Secret Toy Surprise inside your box of Captain Crunch turns homicidal, or your latest batch of Sea Monkeys go rogue and try take over the world. Does anyone else find it odd that in film's from this era, we Earthlings first instinct when encountering an alien life form is that it's hostile and to blow it to kingdom come. Sure there's a token resistance, put up by the scientific community to study it, and I know a lot of these invaders and visitors were allegories for the menace of Uncle Joe Stalin, but still, they've come all that way. Howz' about a little hospitality before luring them into a electric flytrap? I guess survival instincts hold sway over our curious nature. 

The film's plot is kind of interesting: an alien invader sends a remote controlled ship, with frozen eggs that can be thawed out and hatched, to establish a beachhead on it's selected target. I liked how it's high-pitched frequency poses new dangers, like microwaving everyone inside Sea Lab. Science was not my strongest subject but it appears that some thought went in to techno-jargon the players speak. There is also some question to the creatures origins. Is it from outer space? Or sent up from the deep trenches that LaSatier refers to?

But the film's subplots, however, are completely moronic that weigh down and eventually sink any novel ideas the film might have had. The forced romance between Renee and Wayne is bad enough, but it pales when compared to the brewing psychosis between Wayne and Maddox. The film actually does a good job of building tension between these two, despite both actor's ham-fisted delivery, but then it all falls apart in the abrupt revelation of Maddox's delusions followed by his ridiculously quick recovery and redemption. Wow, that was just awful.

So the plot will give you brain damage, but this is a monster movie, so what about the special effects? Does it deliver the goods? Well, uhm, geez. Where to begin...

The monster, or "the amphibian," as it's referred to during most of the film, is a sight to behold. Quite solid at the first glance, I've seen much worse in other films, but upon further inspection one can't help but notice the brand-name flippered feet, or the big bulge on his back that's hiding the air tank. Better still are the few hilarious instances when the Monster turns, just right, and the sunlight illuminates through his two huge eyeholes and you can see the stuntman, Ron Burke's, head silhouetted inside!

I've already touched on the Secret Toy Surprise origins of the miniature work, but let's continue. The biggest problem is there's nothing to give you any sense of scale. Things are lit all wrong and you can't help but notice these props are barley inches long or built to a smaller scale. Once inside, the sets are pretty barren with aquariums passing as portholes. And with all the ambient light, I'm going to assume that the Sea Lab is submersed in about 10-feet of water -- so what's the point of being submerged at all?

The underwater stunt work is fine and the monster holds up in his water scenes. But keep a sharp eye out for several instances of the monster lurking about and watch the bottom of the screen. It appears some kind of bug got caught in the lens and is desperately trying to escape. (See photo at right.)

The familiar, and overused, soundtrack was lifted from another similarly plotted underwater alien invasion movie, The Atomic Submarine. The theramin instrument has an eerie, ethereal aquatic sound, making it appropriate, but it can grow annoying after awhile The film is also chock full of stock sound effects from the Hanna-Barbera cartoon library. The monster's war hoop began life as a pteranadon on The Valley of the Dinosaurs or Dino Boy. Speaking of which; if Mike Road's (Maddox) voice did sound familiar to you, but you can't quite place it, let me help you out. Road's unmistakable resonating inflections provided the voice for several Hanna-Barbera staples, including Zandor from The Herculoids but he's probably best remembered, to me anyways, as the voice of Race Bannon from Johnny Quest. Coupling all that together makes something about this movie -- the sets, the props, the plot, and the actors -- trigger some latent Saturday morning memories in me. Was this thing made for TV? It felt like a live action segment from one of those Saturday morning anthology shows like The Banana Splits or The Kroft Super Show. Anybody know for sure?

If you're thinking I'm being too harsh on this movie, I only do it because I love every hair-brained minute of it. It's awful -- but it's also hilarious. I can't explain it. What is the strange charm that these things hold over me? What is this mesmerizing power that keeps me coming back to them again and again and again?

Behold! The Power of Cheese! 

Thank you, movie. Thank you.

Posted: 05/20/03. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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