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The
film wastes absolutely no time as the
first thing we see is Chesty Morgan’s
gargantuan hooters, in a freeze frame,
behind the title card. We are then "treated"
to several extended shots of Chesty
stroking her giant mammary glands (...great
googily-moogily!), distorted
by trick mirrors, as the credits roll by. (Oh,
yeah. I’m turned on. Yeah, baby. Ugh.)
Mercifully, the film proper
begins someplace else, well out of
Chesty's range, with a knock at that door.
When Nick (Saul Meth)
answers, three men storm in and throw him
to the ground, and while Tony and Hook
kick the crap out of him, Larry (Richard
Towers) rifles the apartment
looking for something. Finding a small appointment
book, he secrets it into a pocket and
tells the others he found nothing. With
that, they leave the bloodied Nick on the
floor and encourage him to get out of town
-- or else!
Larry
returns home, thumbs through the stolen
book and finds a number. He then calls a
Mr. Matty and demands $100000 -- or the
appointment book gets it. (No,
wait, that’s not right.) If
the blackmail isn't paid, he will reveal
the trappings of the mysterious
"Interstate Deal" to the cops. After
hanging up, Larry retires to the bedroom
where his girlfriend, Crystal (Chesty
Morgan -- here billed as Zsa Zsa),
is just waking up. He climbs into bed
with her and they start doing the
horizontal bop. But the film providentially
spares us the gory details (Thank
you lord!), and after
the deed, Larry goes for a walk while
Crystal takes a bath. As we
jump between shots of Crystal in the
bathtub, washing her breasts (and
losing the soap), and Larry
walking around, talking to himself (and
we know he’s talking to himself because
his dialogue has reverb), he
complains about how his boss always gets
the money, while he takes all the risks;
but with this double-cross he’s pulling,
he'll soon be set up for life.
Contacting
Mr. Matty again, he arranges for a meeting
to get the payoff. Larry then joins
Crystal for breakfast, and as they eat,
she wants to know when he’s going to
make an honest woman out of her. She’s
tired of being his mistress and wants to
be his wife. He promises that after this
one last job, then, they can finally get
married. (So,
we know he’s a dead man before the next
reel, right?) When
Larry leaves to meet his boss, he gives
the appointment book to Crystal and tells
her to put it in a safe place until he
gets back. He turns belligerent when she
asks what it is, so she withdraws the
question and quietly locks it in a dresser
drawer.
Larry
and Tony (Harry
Reemes -- yes, THAT Harry Reems)
meet their boss. We don’t get to see his
face, but easily notice a cross cut into
the back of his hand. Angry about their
failure the night before, the boss sends
them back to find the appointment book.
And if they don’t find it this time, to
eliminate Nick. Nick isn't home, but the
two hoods catch up to him as he
desperately tries to escape down the back
stairwell. They proceed to beat him to a
pulp again, and Nick confesses that the
book is in a certain dresser drawer. Since
he searched that dresser and claimed to
have found nothing, Larry says he's lying.
So, Tony stabs Nick in the guts and they
leave him to bleed to death.
Later,
Tony calls the boss. He’s sniffed out
Larry’s double-cross, so the boss orders
him to kill Larry -- and to do it fast. That
evening, as she cries over her layouts (since
she’s a famous advertising executive.
Whatever.), Crystal's phone rings.
Its Larry, and he asks if she wants to get
married and honeymoon in Hawaii. Happy to
hear the news, but before he can go into
the details, Larry says there’s somebody
at the door. (A funny segment as he
says this and THEN hears a knock at the
door.) He
puts the receiver down on the table and Crystal
hears two men enter the room (it’s
Hook and Tony), over
the phone. Larry gets plugged by a starter
pistol and falls dead. The two killers
then go into a clumsy conversational
routine, loudly identifying themselves, so
Crystal can hear them and know who they
are and where they're going as Tony tells
the one-eyed Hook to go to Vegas -- and to
stay out of the strip-clubs! -- while he
goes to the Belmar Hotel in Miami. On the
other end of the phone line, Crystal hears
the door shut and then starts screaming.
A
short time passes, and Crystal is flooded
with fond memories of Larry. (Memories
that keep overlapping and don’t make a
lick of sense.) As it builds to a
fever pitch, Crystal decides to avenge her
lover the only way she knows how -- with
her (dramatic pause) DEADLY
WEAPONS.
Armed
only with the knowledge that one of the
killers has one-eye and likes to hang
around strip clubs, she heads to Vegas and
gets a job as a stripper. (She
has no experience, but the club owner is
really impressed with her *ahem* talents.)
So we get a couple of padded burlesque
sequences where Crystal struts her stuff. (And
frankly, her routine is about as seductive
as a drunken beaver in heat, trapped in a
burlap bag doing the watusi.) She
finally spots a one-eyed man and they wind
up back in his hotel room. Crystal pumps
him for information, on Tony's whereabouts
in Miami, and once she gets it, slips a
Mickey Finn into his drink. While Hook
falls into a stupor, she then strips off
her top and proceeds to smoother him with
her gigantic bosoms. (Screen
history, folks. Screen history.)
Halfway
done, Crystal jumps the next plane to
Miami and tracks Tony to the Belmar
Hotel’s swimming pool, where he's
sunning himself in a lawn chair. Crystal
plop-plops (yes,
you read that right) beside
him and tries to make small talk, but he
ignores these obtrusions the best he can.
Later, Tony and his very jealous
girlfriend, Eve (Denise Purceli),
go to the hotel bar. Crystal plop-plops
right down beside them and makes a general
nuisance of herself. Eve thinks the
philandering Tony is involved with the
large-chested woman and leaves in a snit.
Tony follows her back to their room. As
Eve packs to leave, Tony turns on the
charm and calms her down. Then, for some
reason, Eve tells
Tony that she overheard his phone call
with the boss about the hit on Larry. He
replies by calmly taking off his tie and
strangling her with it. Leaving Eve’s
body on the floor, he exits...
...And,
suddenly, he’s in Crystal’s room. (The
hell?) She tries to be seductive
again (god bless her) and
drugs his drink. (Where does she
hide the drugs? Why in her cleavage, of
course.) After
Tony succumbs to the drug, she goes into
her dance of death, again, and smothers
him.
Her
revenge now complete, Crystal returns home
and goes to her father’s house where she
confesses it all and tells him about the
appointment book. She knows it has
something to do with Larry’s death and
plans to turn it over to the police.
Taking all this in, dad thinks it’s a
fantastic story and asks if she still has
the book. She nods, yes, it's still in the
dresser. He tells her to go home and get
some sleep, and then he’ll take her to
the police station in the morning. (Anyone
else see where this is going?)
That
night, Crystal hears someone mucking
around in her house. Turning on the lights
reveals her father breaking into the
dresser. We then see he has a cross cut
into his hand. (So he was the big
boss all along?) When
Crystal starts to dial up the cops, Pops
pulls a gun and tells her to stop. She
continues to dial saying "You
wouldn’t shoot me."
He
then shoots her right between the boobs. (How
in the hell could he miss them!?)
Crystal
slumps to the floor, and Dad turns his
attention back the dresser. Crystal
produces another gun (and
did she have that hidden in her cleavage
as well?) and fatally shoots her
father in the ass. After he falls dead, in
a scene of strong pathos (*snicker*),
Crystal drags herself over to her
father’s body (*snort*),
and expires over the top of him. (Aww,
that’s so sad.)
Bwahhahhahahhahahhahhh…*sniffle*.
The
End
Man,
I miss Joe Bob Briggs. And
what does this have to do with Deadly
Weapons
you ask? Hang on. All will be explained.
The
tall, laconic good old boy who used to
give us Andy
Sidaris flicks on Joe
Bob’s Drive-In Theater for The
Movie Channel, and later, while
guzzling down Old Milwaukee, the worst
films in TNT’s library on Monstervision
has been off the air and out of the
limelight for quite a while now. This used
to be a staple of late Saturday night
viewing. (My favorite had to be the
Friday the 13th
Marathon -- or Godzilla
Night.) Turner let him go about the
same time that Mystery
Science Theater got cancelled. Even
though Monstervision was in a bad
downward spiral anyway, due to a
programming department that for some
reason thought Look
Who’s Talking Too
was a monster movie (God?
Save us from TV programmers, and once
again I plead with TNT to bring back 100%
Weird), these were dark
days for the B-movie fan. His newsletter, We
Are the Weird, also died about this
time. (I subscribed to that fanzine
and even got a letter printed in it and a
written reply back from the man himself.) And
nothing, but nothing, has stepped up to
fill that void. So if you're reading this,
Joe Bob, write another book -- or better
yet, get back on the air. Come back.
Please. We need you.
Which
brings us back to Deadly Weapons. The main
reason I rented this -- thing was
because Joe Bob was on the cover of the
rental box. The synopsis of the film, that
promised a woman gaining revenge by
smothering gangsters with her giant
boobies, was totally secondary. I’ve
been at this for too long to be suckered
in by a wild synopsis like that. If it
sounds to good to be true, it usually is. (Rule
#354 in bad film watching.)
And
I lie like a dog because the rental box
for Pigs
suckered me in, and suckered me in but
good.
The
video opens at an abandoned drive-in where
Joe Bob falls out of his trusty Grand
Torino and mourns the passing of these
American icons. In 1956, he says, there
were over 12,000 drive-ins in America. 95%
of them are now gone, but he plans to keep
the drive-in alive by releasing a series
of videos called Joe Bob Brigg’s
presents the Sleaziest Movies in the
History of the World. This one came
out in 1990 with the claim that there will
be 1,000 of them in total, and they will
all be done by 2016. I would like to
believe him, but I don’t think this will
come to fruition. Bad
Girls go to Hell
is the only other video in Joe Bob’s
Sleaziest Movies in the History of the
World series that I could find. Does
anybody know if there were any others?
Stumbling
into the projection booth, he gives us
some background info on the film’s
stars, director and plot, and then cranks
up the film after giving us the Drive-In
Totals on his 3-B scale. The other 3-B
scale: Blood, breasts and beasts. And
I think Chesty counts for two out of
three, there.
Chesty
Morgan, born Lillian Wilczkowsky, came to
America from Poland, by way of Israel, in
the late '60s. Her 73-32-26-inch frame
made her a big hit in the burlesque houses,
and she came to the attention of nudie
exploitation pioneer Doris Wishman.
Wishman and Morgan butted heads while make
Deadly
Weapons.
Wishman felt her starlet was
unprofessional. (She
is.) You’ll laugh as Chesty
desperately tries to avoid staring at the
camera while she fondles her trademarks. (This
explains the plethora of scenes of her
staring blankly off to the side at the
wall.) And you'll laugh again as
the cameraman tries to keep both her face
and her bosoms in the frame together. Her
acting ability ranks somewhere between Zsa
Zsa Gabor and Anna Nicole Smith.
Chesty’s character was also dubbed,
badly, to hide her thick polish accent.
Still, the padded scene where she keeps
calling the front desk to see if a Mr.
Hook has checked into the hotel is a
priceless piece of trash cinema.
Chesty
did team with Wishman again for the more
famous Double
Agent 73.
Here, Chesty has a spy-camera implanted in
her breast, and only has a certain amount
of time to complete her mission or the
camera will explode.
But,
and I'm
going to say it right now, there is
absolutely nothing sexy or erotic at all
about Chesty Morgan’s 73-inch breasts.
The one word I can think of to describe
them is simple enough, and that word is grotesque.
Looking like an Adobe Photoshop
manipulation that’s come to life, and
gone horribly wrong, these twin
dreadnaughts sag past her navel, and her
varicose veins are plainly visible. When
not naked, she looks like a frumpy old
woman, tottering around on platform shoes
-- and, in fact, it's almost worse
when she has clothes on! Teetering around
constantly, she always appears to be on
the verge of toppling over. And since nudity
is the only thing going for this movie,
unfortunately, most of the nudity will
have you averting your eyes. Watching
Chesty is like watching a train wreck. You
can’t help but look, but after a while,
your conscience gets the better of you and
you stop, rub your eyes, and look away as
you realize you’re not very proud of
yourself. The rest of the plot is standard,
pre-hardcore fare. The other actors are
just as bad, and the twist ending, and
skanky incidental mood music, will send
your brain into vapor-lock.
And
while the film isn't the sleaziest movie
in the world -- it does have some camp
value -- you can still occasionally catch
a whiff of urine emanating from it. My
advice is to get a running start and get
blasted before viewing, or you won’t
make the end. And allot yourself at least
one half-hour of bathing time after
viewing to get the stench off.
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