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It's
that time of year again:
A
time when families get together, gorge on
some chemical enhanced turkey, thirteen
different kinds of pie, and then settle in
for some football, until inevitably,
something triggers that same family
argument you had last year (and
the year before that. And the year before
that...) Things turn ugly until
grandma makes a temporary peace by gonging
everyone on the head with a gravy ladle.
After the dust settles, you realize you
have approximately one month to cool off
and start speaking to each other again.
Because you get to do it all over at
Christmas.
I
love the holidays.
Things
never get, quite, that bad at the Beerman
household -- although it is my year for
keeping the gravy ladle away from Grandma.
It
is a time for giving thanks, so in the
spirit of this holiday season and holiday
seasons past, I give you a nice little
piece of cold-war paranoia in the form of
a educational short called A
Day of Thanksgiving.
So save me a piece of pumpkin pie, thank
the Lord that the cold-war is over, and
enjoy.
*
* * *
We
open on a nuclear family of six, gathered
around the radio, in the living room of a
modest house.
(Judging by the decor and fashions I'm
going to say this is the late '40s or
early '50s.)
Pop puts his paper down, breaks the fourth
wall and addresses the audience directly.
He admits
that maybe this was the best Thanksgiving
his family has ever experienced. But it
sure didn't start that way...
We
flashback to the day before and find his
children, Dick, Susan and Tommy, romping
around the house with visions of roasted
turkey, stuffing, cranberries, and all the
fixings for Thanksgiving dinner. Mom overhears
them in the kitchen, and with baby Janet
on her hip, she has to break the bad news
that due to some unexpected bills, there
will be no turkey dinner this year. They
just can't afford it. This sours the
children's mood considerably, just as dad
comes home from work. Asking why everyone's
acting like a bunch of Grumpy Gusses, Dick
finally speaks up, saying that without a
turkey dinner, they have nothing to be
thankful for and Thanksgiving is ruined. (He
even drops the bomb on dad saying all the
neighbors will be having turkey but they
won't.)
Dad
and Mom put an end to the moping by
reminding the children that there is more
to Thanksgiving then gorging yourself on
food. They scold them, saying they're far
better off now than the pilgrim's were for
the first Thanksgiving after crashing into
Plymouth Rock those many years ago. In
fact, we enjoy freedoms and privileges the
Pilgrims never dreamed of (like
microwave ovens, cable TV, and internet
porn.) The
kids start to see things the parents way,
and Dad orders them to take some time and
prepare a list of things they're truly
thankful for. And remember, there are some
places that get along with nothing at all.
(Ah!
I think we're finally coming to the heart
of the matter, and that matter is the
scourge of communism!)
Later
that night, dad watches as his family
mulls things over. Dick is in one corner,
getting high on glue fumes while putting a
model plane together. Susan is in another
corner, maniacally cutting the heads off
her paper dolls. God knows what Tommy is
up to. Finally, Thanksgiving Day arrives
and the family gathers around the table
for a feast of Raman Noodles. While dad
says grace, we go from family member to
family member as they all sound off
internally on what they're thankful for:
Tom
is thankful for the food they do get to
eat; like milk and cookies. (They
don't have milk and cookies in Russia --
only rocks to chew on.)
He's also thankful for the public library
and the works of Jack London (that
commie?!).
And he can't wait for the day when
President Truman finally has the guts to
give Uncle Joe Stalin a kick to the family
jewels.
Susan
is thankful for the clothes she wears.
She's also thankful for Sunday school, and
being able to worship God in her own way (even
by listening to Alice Cooper records
backwards.)
She's happy to belong to a family. And she
can't wait until she grows up to be just
like mom and slave away in the home for
the rest of her natural life.
Dick
is thankful for the American School System,
where anyone (as
long as your white)
can become anything they want to be,
because a man is judged by what he knows. (What
planet are these people from anyway?)
He's also happy that he can play sports
and swing a baseball bat. And he firmly
believes that in the event of one of those
pinko-commie bastards starting a nuclear
war, he'll be safe by ducking and covering
from the fallout.
Baby
Janet is happy for bath time, play time,
and the security of her mother's arms.
She, too, is happy that she doesn't have
to grow up and become one of Uncle Joe
Stalin's concubines.
Mom
is thankful that she lives in a place
where her children were born safely. (Instead
of a barn or the open icy steppes of
Siberia.)
She's thankful for hot water, phones for
gossiping, and the right to gossip about
anything she damn well pleases. Mom is
also thankful that dad has a job. She's
also thankful that the minute he gets
home, he plops his butt on the chair and
reads his paper, and doesn't lift a finger
to help her raise HIS four kids.
Dad
is thankful for the house they live in (despite
the mortgage, leaky roof, the termites,
and faulty sewage system.)
He's also thankful that he can vote for
any cretin that wants to run for public
office. He's also glad that he doesn't
have to fear a knock on the door by some
"political gangsters" or worse
yet, Jehovah Witnesses.
The
prayer concludes with dad wishing that,
someday, all nations will be able to enjoy
the eccentricities of the American
household. That democracy will spread like
a rampant virus, and we won't ever have to
worry about those infiltrating, lying,
cheating, murdering, heathen communists
bastards ever again. Amen. Let's eat.
God
Bless America!
The
End
A
Day of Thanksgiving
is one of over 400 short subjects directed
by Herk Harvey for Centron Productions.
Centron was based in Lawrence, Kansas and
specialized in educational, industrial and
safety films. They were always highly
moralistic, rabidly anti-communist, sort-of
educational, but always unintentionally
hilarious.
A
quick glance at Harvey's resume and you
realize that almost all the short films
featured on Mystery
Science Theater 3000
were his responsibility (with
Mr.
B. Natural
a notable exception.) After
spotting a derelict carnival pavilion in
the salt flats of Utah, Harvey was
inspired and decided to try his hand at
feature filmmaking, and gave the world the
cult classic Carnival
of Souls.
And I really need to review that one of
these days.
If
you care to see this little piece of
Americana and a few other bizarre shorts,
it's included on Something Weird Video's Blood
Freak DVD.
So
what do I have to be thankful for? I'm
thankful that I live in a country where I
can laugh and openly poke fun at
slightly-skewed, but good intentioned
propaganda pieces without fear of the
"secret police" hustling me off
to re-education camps, where I'm forced to
watch hygiene and road safety films until
I relent and admit I'm a happy little
capitalist.
Happy
Turkey day everybody!
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