We open on the observation deck of the Satellite of Love. While a thunderstorm rages, unable to go outside and play, the occupants are bored out of their skulls. (I know they're in outer space but go with it.) Magic Voice -- the ship's computer, encourages them to play a board game until the rain passes, but all the game pieces are lost or broken. Joel Robinson (Joel Hodgson) asks his robot pals, Tom Servo (voiced by Kevin Murphy), and Crow T. Robot (voiced by Trace Beaulieu), if they'd like to play a little poker. Gypsy -- another robot of lesser intelligence (voiced by Jim Mallon), asks "What's poker?" Seeing someone to be fleeced, they all decide to play a little five-card stud.

We come back from the commercial break and discover Gypsy is cleaning house -- despite the fact that she can't hide a bluff. (She has a thing for Richard Basehart and chants his name whenever she has a good hand.) Their game is interrupted when the communicator flashes to life. Joel answers the call, and his captors, Dr. Clayton Forrester (Beaulieu) and his impish crony, TV's Frank (Frank Coniff), prod him into action for the latest round of their dubious experiments.

Okay, for those of you who have never seen Mystery Science Theater 3000 before, I do believe some plot exposition is in order. The gist of the show was that Forrester -- a mad scientist whose "aptitude for evil is only matched by his technical and physical ineptitude" -- has dreams of conquering the world. It seems the good Doctor plans to accomplish this by playing the worst movie ever made to the public. And the film must be so mind numbingly awful that the entire populace would fall into a stupor, allowing him to slip in and take control. (Well, you can't deny his lack of vision.)

To accomplish this, he kidnaps Robinson -- the Gizmonic Institute's janitor, seals him in a satellite, and launches him into space, making him the perfect captive audience. All alone, Joel creates his robot super-pals to keep him company and to help him survive the films. Joel keeps his sanity by cracking wise during the films, and together with Tom and Crow, they skewer them mercilessly, foiling Forrester's plans.

Down in the bowels of Deep 13, the Mads (that's Joel's nickname for them) keep right on trying, and run Joel through the hoops once a week, and then sells the finished product to basic cable. They also force him to do an invention exchange, so they can steal his better ideas and then force him to watch the films. 

All caught up? Good. On with the review.

Joel and the Bots are herded into the theater, but before they get to the main feature, they must survive a couple of short films first. Aquatic Wizards couldn't emulate the '50s anymore if it tried. Down in Cypress Gardens, Florida a smarmy narrator narrates as we watch people play in the water, water ski, wipe-out, and develop webbed feet. The next short is Catching Trouble, featuring the Great-White-Ross. Down in the Everglades, Ross, along with his surly Seminole guide, brutally rounds up animals for zoo exhibits around the country. Ross sallies forth and commits to raping and pillaging the land by chopping down a tree where a wildcat tries to take refuge. He then torments a couple of black bear cubs by shaking one out of a tree and tackling the other repeatedly. It ends with him burning an acre of land to smoke out two rattlesnakes. Tom and Crow ask if humans really act like this, to which Joel replies that he's really ashamed of the human race right now. (Definitely not PETA approved.)

The plot follows a clan of cave people who follow a strict code of laws, and to disobey them means pestilence and death to everyone in said clan. So not wanting to bring the wrath of the lawgiver down on them, everybody obeys without question. (Kind of a primitive form of mutual total destruction.) A young boy (Robert Vaughn -- okay now he's at least 30) begins to question the taboo laws, and thinks the old ways are wrong, and a better life is to be had without them. He thinks there is more to see and more game to hunt on the other side of the river. The boy -- we'll call him Bob, asks the Elder (Beach Dickerson) why they can't cross the river. His only answer is because the law says so -- and besides, that's where the "God Who Gives Death with Its Touch" lives. Drawing the attention of the village nihilist with all of his questions, Bob gets an earful on how everything is evil -- and that everything that is evil must be killed. The nihilist (Frank de Kova) -- we'll call him Crank, doesn't like Bob's all that much and spends the rest of the movie trying to convince everyone that Bob is evil, and therefore (following his logic), should be killed.

Bob is the son of the tribe's symbol maker. When they go into a cave to make symbols for the upcoming hunt, Dad (Leslie Bradley) tells Bob that he once went across the river once and saw the "God Who Gives Amoebic Dysentery with his Touch", and encourages his son to just stay put; but Bob's not listening. Dad joins the hunting party but Bob can't go, because he hasn't reached the age of manhood quite yet. (I assume the age of manhood is 35 then?) They flush out an unfortunate looking bear suit (worn by Beach Dickerson. Him again?) and Dad is severely mauled before the others can kill the beast. They haul him back to the village where the local quack performs some emergency surgery, stitching him up with some yarn and a tongue depressor. 

This leads to the second break in the film, where Joel tries to present the History of Comedy to the robots but is interrupted by a call from Deep 13. Frank and Forrester are still fighting. It escalates from dull edged scissors, to sharp scissors, and eventually, large sledgehammers. After trading several blows, Forrester finally gets the upper hand with a cattle prod and stuns Frank unconscious. He apologizes to Joel for the interruption, and then proceeds to accidentally shock himself unconscious. 

When the film starts up again, Crank skillfully tricks Bob into crossing the river. Rounding up a few other boys (including Beach Dickerson again) Bob talks them into going with him. They cross the river and are confronted by some stock footage from One Million B.C. (You know, when the monitor lizard and the crocodile fight to the death, last seen in Robot Monster.) All the boys throw their spears in the air, turn tail, and run back to the river. But one of them doesn't make it back across. (Was that Beach Dickerson who drowned? Yep.) While the others return to the village to break the bad news, Bob decides to go back across, alone. He's tormented by a squirrel but exacts revenge by killing and eating it. Warming himself by the fire, Bob is attacked when from out of the bushes comes "He Who Looks Like a Burnt-up H.R. Puff-n-Stuff" (who may or may not be Beach Dickerson.) Bob runs away, but runs smack dab into a tree and knocks himself unconscious. (Yes, they were singing the George of the Jungle theme song when this happened.) 

Back at the village, Dad has recovered enough to go looking for his son. Crank is already turning the villagers against Bob, blaming him for the death of the boy drowned in the river. Bob wakes up, and the head trauma he sustained gets the creative juices going as he quickly invents the bow and arrow. He uses his new weapon to bring down a deer. (No, the deer pelt was not played by Beach Dickerson.) He tries to carry it back to the village, but is attacked by a pack of wild dogs. Dad arrives in time to save him, and together, they drive the dogs off. 

For breaking the law, Bob is brought before the village council. Crank thinks he should be executed, but Dad and the elder suggest he act as one who is dead until he reaches the age of manhood. (Basically he's not allowed to talk, and no one can talk to him, until that time.) Crank is out voted, loses his temper and attacks Bob. They wrestle a bit and Bob prepares to shoot him with an arrow when the elder orders them to stop. 

Time passes, and Silent Bob falls for a pretty blonde girl (Sarah Marshall). He isn't allowed to talk to her but wins her over with his latest invention: a Zamphyr flute. After playing a few John Tesh standards for her, she he breaks the law and talks to him, but they're interrupted by a large commotion at the outskirts of the village. A creature approaches from across the burning plain -- a/k/a the forbidden zone; a place where the law says nothing can live. It isn't a creature, but a man on a horse (Beach Dickerson -- AGAIN? No, I'm not kidding), something the villagers have never seen. (Hey, maybe it's not Beach but James Franciscus looking for Charlton Heston?) 

Of course, Crank immediately calls him evil, and encourages everyone to kill him. Bob thinks they should spare him, and learn from the rider, but Crank's turned them into a mob. They spear the rider, knocking him off the horse. (And if you look closely, one of the spear men is casually chewing some Double Mint Gum, and so help me, I think it's Beach Dickerson again. More on Beach later.) The wounded rider says "peace" before Crank finishes him off. Bob is outraged, but some good has come of it; Dad and the elders are starting to come around to his way of thinking, and they give the rider a proper funeral. (Presided by, you guessed it, Beach Dickerson.)

Joel and the Bots take their last break and rag on Crank for being so paranoid. Joel goes into a philosophical discussion on the root of evil, and why people don't like change. He concludes that the root of all evil is pineapples on pizza. (It also makes a great ipecac.) 

More time passes and Bob reaches the age of manhood, gets his voice back, and pledges (not very convincingly) to keep the law. Crank chides him some more but Bob has had enough. He says that one day they will have to settle their argument, and in all likelihood, one them will be dead when the argument is finished. He takes Blondie as his wife and they carve out their own cave in the side of the cliff, much to Crank's disgust. She wants to settle in and start making little cavemen, but Bob wants one more crack at crossing the river. Knowing she can't stop him, Blondie lets him go. 

Bob secretly leaves the camp and heads over the hill, toward the river. Dad finds out what he's done, and knowing Bob will be killed if he gets caught breaking the law again, he sneaks away to try and bring him back before anyone else finds out. Unfortunately, Crank gets wind of it, too, rouses the villagers into a lynch mob, and goes after them. On the other side of the river, Bob finds "He Who Wishes He Didn't Have Such A Long Name to Type Out But Gives Death With His Touch Anyway." This time, Bob stands his ground, and the creature doesn't attack. Bob makes a friendly gesture and the creature mimics him. Dad finds them and tells Bob to back away from it. Bob refuses, saying it isn't an evil thing, and is curious to its purpose. Then the rest of the angry villagers catch up. Crank orders them to kill the creature, and Bob and Dad for breaking the law. Luckily, the pack of wild dogs have lapped around and attack the war party. 

During the melee, Crank manages to sneak around behind Bob and the creature. He shimmies up a tree, takes takes a large rock (don't ask me how it got up there), and drops it on the creature's head; it crumples in a heap. Bob takes his bow and shoots Crank dead. (And there was MUCH rejoicing. Yay.) Disposing of the dogs, the others gather around the corpse of the creature. Upon closer inspection, Bob pulls it's head off, and it turns out to be a helmet, revealing a wizened old gent inside. They also find a book, filled with pictures of things from present time. (Oh, Roger. Do. Not. Go. There.) The law is proven fallible, so some new laws must be created. They will take the book and look for others who might be able to translate it.

I'll admit, I had a completely disastrous first encounter with Mystery Science Theater 3000. Living in BFE, Nebraska, we had no cable, but my cousins had one of those new fangled satellite dishes. And while perusing their latest program guide, I saw that some show was airing War of the Colossal Beasts. Later that night, I talked my cousin into tuning away from the Playboy Channel for a while, so I could check out this monster movie. Those of you who know you're MST3k, will know that the episode featuring War of the Colossal Beast opens with that mind altering (make that mind shattering) short featuring Mr. B. Natural. As I watched, dumbfounded, fighting off the WTF? urge, we made it through the short. The main movie started, and frankly, I was a little annoyed by the silhouetted figures down in the corner who refused to shut up. But then I started listening to them, and I'll be danged if they weren't funny. Make that really funny. Make that friggin' hilarious. It got to the point where Tom Servo is making poop jokes about the trucks passing through the Colossal Man's intestinal tract that I knew I was in the presence of genius. Thus my love affair with the show began. (There are other sites around that talk about the origins of the show so I'll skip the history lesson.) 

Those of you who came in late and started watching the show on the Sci-Fi Channel -- after it was unceremoniously dumped by Comedy Central, need to track down some of these earlier episodes. Seasons One and Two contain some really good ones, but these guys really hit their stride at the beginning of Season Three. (I refer to Season Three and Four as the Golden Age of MST3k.) When Season Five started, Joel left and was replaced admirably by Mike Nelson. Season Six and Seven suffered a bit, with TV's Frank unfortunate departure, and they were splitting time between the show and making a big screen adaptation. Frank was replaced by Pearl Forrester (Mary Jo Pehl), a character I didn't warm up to until they hit the Sci-Fi Channel. 

Every episode usually contained the same set of sequences; the opening segment, invention exchange, a short and then the main film that's interrupted by three breaks, usually filled with skits and songs. Episode #315 begins with a good opening sequence; we all remember being stuck inside school during recess while it rained. (For heaven's sake let me out!) Who hasn't lost a vital piece to your Mousetrap game, or refuse to play Monopoly because the game could last a good eight years. The best individual opening sequence is from #314: Mighty Jack. The Satellite of Love is under attack. Sirens blare as the ship burns. Crow and Servo are severely damaged and they can't find Joel. He stumbles out of the fire retardant foam, does his best Shatner impersonation, and falls dead. Crow and Servo fall into a panic until they all get up and yell "psyche!"

Episode #315 does have the best invention exchange: The Children's Book of Rainy Day Ipecacs barely beats out the Tank Tops from #204: Catalina Caper. (Forrester and Frank wear real tank turrets and take out a target.) If you still don't know what an ipecac is, it's something taken to induce vomiting. 

The breaks in this episode are better than average -- especially the Catching Ross parody, and the fight between Dr. Forrester and Frank is hi-keeba-hilarious. Some of my other favorite individual skits include #511: The Gunslinger, where Tom Servo explains and demonstrates how easy it is to warp time and space, and the sequence keeps starting over. (Servo is nonchalant while Crow and Joel are greatly rattled.) Another is from #303: Pop People, where they recreate Trumpy's magical powers and things start flying all over, but the most memorable one is from #620: Danger! Death Ray! Tom Servo creates his own death ray (for peaceful purposes only) and blasts Crow to smithereens. Crow stumbles on screen, smoldering black, and then slowly erupts in flames. The best collected skits are from #416: Fire Maidens from Outer Space where Crow's evil twin Timmy tries to kill Tom Servo. And there are many more that I can't place exactly to a particular episode. Those that immediately come to mind are the giant slot cars Joel builds for the bots; Crow's works great but Servo's doesn't. I also recall when Joel gave everyone else great presents, but all Crow gets is a new pair of dress pants. I also remember a fake commercial for a huge play set during one of the Gamera movies that included thousands of soldiers, buildings to destroy, tanks, fire trucks, and several giant monsters (by Marx!) 

MST3k also had it's share of memorable short films. Catching Trouble, for me, barely beats out Mr. B Natural as my favorite gonzoid short. It is so wrong in every possible way. For the longest time I always associated Ross with The Crocodile Hunter on Animal Planet but they are as different as night and day. They also featured several old movie serials, including Commando Cody, The Phantom Creeps, and (Hey! Its) The Undersea Kingdom.

As for our main feature, Teenage Caveman is vintage Roger Corman. Roger filmed movies by using the three R's. Reduce (the budget). Re-use (the same footage). And Recycle (the characters, actors, action, plot and scenery). Joel and the Bots keep pace with the movie, and there really are no lulls in the comedy. The film is infamous for Corman regular Beach Dickerson playing a wide range of roles, where he actually kills himself a few times, and then presides over his own funeral because Roger was too cheap to hire anymore extras. (The same thing happened to Dick Miller in Apache Woman.)

Now remember, these are just one man's opinions. Frankly, I think they're all good (except of #616: Racket Girls which I thought was terrible) and you really can't go wrong with any episode. 

From The Canned Film Festival, to Reel Wild Cinema, to Monstervision, I've got a soft spot for all these vehicles that brought cinematically challenged films to the small screen, but Mystery Science Theater 3000 stands head and shoulders above them all. 

So track an down episode, turn down the lights (where applicable), and enjoy.

Posted: 09/19/01. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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