Coming in at a very close second as the most hideously obnoxious -- yet wonderfully infectious, comic book cartoon theme song, is the overture to Captain America! (As translated by me complete with sound effects!) Feel free to sing along!

Like I said, a close second; coming in right behind the theme to the '60s Spider-Man cartoon. "Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Does whatever a spider can..."

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Our first episode, The Return of Captain America, opens in the depths of the Atlantic Ocean as a hi-tech sub searches the murky fathoms. Manning the sub are Earth's mightiest collection of heroes (well, this Earth anyway), The Avengers: Iron Man, Thor, Giant Man and the Wasp. Thor spots something that looks like a body, floating in the water. Giant Man is able to retrieve it, and hauls it inside. The body's clothes are in tatters, but underneath the jumpsuit is a very familiar, and very patriotic getup. The Wasp recognizes him as the star-spangled World War II hero, Captain America, but he's been missing for almost twenty years.

Suddenly, the soggy figure jerks awake, shouting hysterically for someone named Bucky. The Avengers manage to subdue him, but only after he stops struggling. The man is starting to remember what happened:

Captain America and his partner, Bucky, were trying to prevent a drone rocket, filled with explosives from launching. They were too late and race after it on a motorcycle. They both leap for it. Bucky manages to hang on, but Cap couldn't, and falls toward the ocean below. Bucky detonates the rocket drone and is engulfed in the explosion; it's the last thing Cap sees before splashing down. The Avengers are a little suspicious of the story and demand proof that he really is Captain America. This leads to the old Mighty Marvel Misunderstanding trick and they have a little dust up.

The old Mighty Marvel Misunderstanding trick has been employed by Marvel Comics since the beginning. This scenario has allowed their heroes to unwittingly battle each other, on more than one occasion.

Cap proves his mettle, and wins their trust. Introducing themselves, the Avengers explain that war has been over for a while and the Allies won. But there is still a need for those who would fight the good fight for freedom and justice, so the Avengers invite Cap to join their ranks. He accepts and celebrates by taking a nap. (Hey, it's been a rough day.)

Confused? Okay, Marvel History Lesson time. Captain America spent the time after Bucky's death, at the close of the second World War, to the present time in a state of suspended animation, frozen in a block of ice. After falling off the drone, he landed in the frozen North Atlantic. Somehow, his super-soldier serum enhanced body allowed him to survive.

Jump ahead twenty years. The Avengers were out in the sub looking for none other than the Sub-Mariner, who'd been causing trouble recently with the surface world. The Sub-Mariner came upon an Eskimo fishing village, who worshiped a shadowy "god" frozen deep in a block of ice. 

Not to be outdone by a frozen deity, Namor chucked the entire block of ice into the ocean. The mini-iceberg was lucky enough to get caught in a warm current and drifted south, thawed out, and it's formerly encased prisoner was fortunate enough to be discovered by the Avenger's sub just in the nick of time. So that's how Cap happened to be in the ocean.

Now back to the cartoon!

The Avengers return to port in New York. While Cap sleeps below, the others disembark and face the paparazzi. Mobbed by reporters on the docks, the Avengers announce they've made a remarkable discovery. Several photographers snap some shots, but one of them points something more sinister at our heroes. And in a flash of light and smoke, everyone is blinded. When the smoke clears it appears the Avengers are gone, leaving stone statue replicas in their stead. The reporters figure it's some kind of trick the Avengers are using to avoid the press and clear off.

Sometime later, Cap wakes up and finds the sub empty. He disembarks and finds the docks deserted -- except for the strange statues. He notices that Giant Man and Thor statues have assumed defensive stances. This isn't the only strange sight for hero, though. A lot has changed in the last twenty years, and Cap is overwhelmed. Feeling abandoned and out of place, a friendly cop helps him find a hotel room. Cap sacks out but hears someone entering the room. He first mistakes the shadowy figure for Bucky, but it turns out to be none other than Rick Jones (Marvel's side kick extraordinaire.) Rick says the Avengers have been missing since the impromptu press conference on the docks, and asks Cap for help to find them. 

They scour the news footage and Cap spots the sinister man with the funky camera -- that looks suspiciously like a ray gun. With the help of Rick's Teen Brigade, Cap manages to track the criminal down. The bad guy introduces himself as The Bull. He tries to use the transmogrifying gun on Cap, but he proves to agile and captures the crook. Dragging Bull to the docks, he forces him to reverse the polarity on the gun, reverting the Avengers back to normal. They are thankful but Cap defers most of the thanks to Rick. So joyous are they, though, that they allow the crook to sneak off during the excitement, The other Avengers tell Cap to head to Avenger's Mansion, to coordinate the search for Bull. Cap heads to the mansion where Jarvis, the butler, takes care of him. 

Meanwhile, in an old abandoned building clearly marked Old Abandoned Building (seriously, it says "Old Abandoned Building" on the marquee), Bull and his gang of thugs plot to take out the Avengers. Bull thinks they need to take out the weakest link first, who he believes is Captain America, and then the rest will fall. And they must have paid a visit to either A.I.M., Justin Hammer or the Tinkerer because they have a bunch of new and deadly toys. Arming up with some high tech battle gadgets and armor, they kidnap Jarvis, and leave a ransom demand that Cap come to the Old Abandoned Building alone.

Cap complies, and Bull orders his men to attack. Despite the lasers, repulsor-rays, and napalm, Cap busts some heads and kicks some serious butt -- complete with spelled-out sound effects. (ZANG! FLOORG! FWIP! Just like in the old Batman TV series. I had to rewind it and freeze advance to make sure that one sound effect said "FOOP" and not "POOP.") The battle won, Cap returns to the Mansion and finds the other Avengers waiting for him. Still too overly modest, Cap says he's just a little stiff after the rigorous battle. The Wasp jabs "Not as stiff as when we found you earlier!"

Paging Dr. Wertham. Dr. Frederick Wertham. You're needed in the Innuendo Room. Stat!

In the second episode, Zemo and the Masters of Evil, we switch locales to the secluded South American jungle hide out of Baron Zemo. Zemo was one of the Nazis top mad scientist and all around no-good-niks. (In fact, it was his rocket drone that Cap and Bucky were trying to stop.) Zemo's pilot returns with the latest batch of scientific journals, but none hold the secret of removing Zemo's mask. Asking how his boss became permanently stuck under that hood, Zemo relates that during the war, he was putting the finishing touch on his latest creation, Adhesive X, the strongest glue ever invented. (And the potential for evil glue is what exactly?) But Captain America was on to his schemes and raids the lab. During the mêlée, Cap throws his shield, shattering the container of adhesive and it spilled all over Zemo, permanently attaching the hood to his head.

Zemo cuts his story short when he spies an article saying Captain America is alive and well, and kicking butt with the Avengers. Zemo blames Cap for the whole mask thing, and everything else that's gone wrong for him. His hatred is so irrational that his stomping fits of tantrum are very disturbing (See illustration. That or he's contracted dance fever from the Iceman.) Zemo conspires to form the Masters of Evil to take out the Avengers. And more importantly, to kill Captain America. Rounding up the individual Avenger's most deadly foes -- the mysterious Melter, whose heat beam can melt Iron Man's armor, the Radioactive Man, who can withstand Thor's enchanted hammer, and Giant Man's nemesis, the Black Knight and his lance of doom -- Zemo is ready to roll.

Unaware that evil is conspiring against them, the Avengers go about there business. When suddenly, New York comes under attack. Zemo's henchmen are armed with sprayers filled with Adhesive X and are coating the entire city in it's sticky embrace. They intend to hold the city for ransom until Captain America surrenders to them. The Avengers (sans Giant Man and the Wasp) counterattack and come upon the Radioactive Man first. Thor's hammer is still useless against him and the villain tries to blast him with the adhesive. Thor dodges the spray but Cap's feet are coated with it, sticking him to the street. Thor leads the bad guy away while Iron Man tries to free Cap, but he's stuck fast.

Next comes the Melter, who blasts away at Iron Man with his deadly beam. Iron Man doesn't have time to mess around, so he uses his repulsor rays to cut a circular chunk of the asphalt loose around Caps feet, and drags it all away to safety. Thor rejoins them, and they make a strategic withdrawal to regroup and plan a counterattack. The first thing to do is get Cap free. Iron Man tries all the solvents he has but nothing works. He then hits upon the idea of asking Paste-Pot Pete for help. As his name implies, Pete is an expert on adhesives, and he owes Iron Man a favor. A villain by trade, he was last seen helping the Frightful Four fight the Fantastic Four. Iron Man flies off and quickly returns with a barrel of the strongest solvent Pete has. (How Iron Man convinces Pete to help remains a mystery. More recently Pete is trying to convince the world to stop calling him Paste Pot Pete and use his cooler code name The Trapster! At last check no one's cooperating.)

Luckily, it works. Thor's ready to attack head on, but Cap has a plan.

The Masters of Evil have returned to Zemo's rocket to refill up on Adhesive X. Unknown to them, Cap switches the barrels out, filling their sprayers up with the super-solvent instead. The villains get back to gumming up the city but are shocked to see their spray freeing those already stuck. The second phase of Cap's plan calls for the heroes to switch villains. Thor makes quick work of the Black Knight and his winged steed, while Cap and Iron Man managed to cocoon the Radioactive Man in a lead lined straight jacket. That leaves the Melter, who does a number on Iron Man's armor until Shell-Head tricks him into blasting a water hydrant. The hydrant melts away, causing a spray of water that short's out the Melter's ray. 

While Iron Man and Thor haul the other villains off to jail, Captain America presses on to take out Zemo. The old foes square off and all hell breaks loose. The fight is fairly even, but soon Cap has the upper hand. Zemo's pilot comes out of the rocket plane and shoots Cap. He and Zemo think they've killed him. Victorious,  Zemo retreats into his rocket to escape, but the bullet only grazed Cap's skull, knocking him out. They launch just as Thor returns. Using his enchanted uru hammer, Thor creates a vortex, and Zemo's ship vanishes. Cap wakes up in time to see the ship disappear and asks if Zemo is dead. Thor says no: the vortex only caused a distortion in time and space, so Zemo is still alive, but where, or even when, he is is anyone's guess. (Uh, good plan there Thor.) 

The End

In the Marvel Universe, only Bucky and Uncle Ben Parker stay dead forever. Everybody else has been resurrected at least once (or in some cases two or three times.) However, I don't think any character has been killed, presumed dead, revamped, overhauled, and retooled more than Captain America. He's had several comic book runs. Made numerous cameos in other Marvel animated adventures. Had a couple of his own kitschy 1970's live action television movies, and one truly odious feature film. (Curse you Albert Pyun!) This version is a wonderful time capsule of Marvel's early days, and has a nice retro-vibe going for it. The stories are basically condensed versions straight from the comic books. (In this case The Avengers #3 and #4.)

Cap's cartoon was featured with several other heroes; Thor, Iron Man, Sub-Mariner, and the Hulk. They premiered on the syndicated The Marvel Super-Heroes Show in 1966, complete with yet another whiz-banger of a theme: "The Merry Marvel Marching Song". ( Click here if you want to here it.) Most people remember these old cartoons coupled with their local affiliate's after-school kid's shows, usually complete with their own costumed hosts. Alas, our local host -- the helmeted Commander NTV, whose masculine voice was betrayed by the *ahem* dangerous curves of her jumpsuit -- didn't have this cartoon, but we got the old George Reeves Superman show so we'll call it a wash. 

Again, the biggest complaint is the crude animation style, known as Xerography, where you actually copied pencil sketches straight onto an animation cell. My complaint isn't the lack of movement, really, it's the horrible overuse of the same images over and over and over. This really comes to light in the scene after Captain America wakes up on the sub. Thor starts talking, and through the sub's window, you can clearly see Cap's body still floating out in the water because they used the same animation cel from before.

I've always been one of Cap's biggest fans and supporters. I've defended him against hundreds of knuckle-dragging Neanderthals in faded Bat-Man and Spawn t-shirts -- the ones that smell funny, with worse goatees than mine, and have had that same shirt on for so long you can see chest hair growing through the tattered mesh, at the local comic shops. I've followed his core title, off and on, for thirty years, enjoying Mark Waid's initial run on the book, and I curse Marvel's name everyday for killing it right when it was getting interesting and turning him over to Rob "The Hack" Liefeld. I got back on board during Heroes Reborn, but after Waid left, it just wasn't the same.

Where I enjoy Cap the most, though, is his almost constant presence among the ranks of The Avengers. I enjoy how he's got the respect of almost every hero, and they'd follow him anywhere. Cap's at his best when he's leading that team, and I'm really looking forward to seeing him kick Kang's ass in the current story arc. I'll also add that the first issue of The Ultimates version of the Avengers -- where Cap leads the 101st Airborne in an assault on a Nazi stronghold to stop a super bomb, had me standing up and cheering at the end.

Now if you'll let me get serious for just a second.

After the despicable acts of 9/11, it's okay to be patriotic again and to like heroes like Captain America. Before that, though, he was too white bread for some: a jingoistic poster boy for the WASP set. Cap didn't fight crime at night, wasn't as psychotic as the villains he fought, and was about as close to being a bad-ass as say Pee-Wee Herman. He was a man of high ideals, ethics and principles. He was your parents type of hero.

There's a very profound scene in the middle of the first episode of the Captain America cartoon, where Captain America, the human embodiment of the American ideal, wandered the streets of New York in a shell-shocked daze. When Cap was frozen, America was at the top of her game. We'd help win the war and were about to enter the baby boom of the '50s. Twenty years later, things had definitely changed. The cartoon came out in 1966, and the comic book it was gleaned from in 1964. America wasn't in the best of shape then, and was threatening to fall apart at the seams; it's President had just been assassinated; there was civil injustice, unrest, and cultural clashes; the generation gap was as large as it's ever been; and the country's involvement in a skirmish in a certain southeast Asian country was about to spin out of control. Cap is feeling out of place -- outdated, and feels "I don't belong here." And then the cop finds him, and after realizing it's really the real Captain America, he's emotionally overcome and states "I'm glad you're back Cap. The world needs you now more than ever." Then he turns away so Cap can't see he's crying

Jump ahead another thirty years. Captain America's comic book has been canceled. Kids are killing kids in the schools. Terrorists have struck and threaten to do it again. And there are rumors of a war for all the wrong reasons. Someone put it best when they said "In America, you're not responsible for your own actions, but you can be blamed for everyone else's." America is a knot of litigation, apathy, greed, paranoia and triviality.

Cap, come back. The world needs you again.

Posted: 05/29/02. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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