Our tape begins with a few coming attractions, and since I can't find the remote to fast forward through them, let's see if they're any good:

First up is Beverly Hills Brats, and if you ever wanted to know what happened to that kid who played Ralphie in A Christmas Story, well, he's the star of this thing and we haven't heard from him since, if that gives you an inkling to it's quality. The film also boasts Martin Sheen, Natalie "Mrs. Thurston Howell" Schaefer and the screen debut of Ramon Estevez -- who eventually dumped his dad's original first name and went on to crap-infamy as Emilio Estevez.

Next up is Let's Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator, which is from our friends at Troma, and it might be about a family of serial killers or a Tupperware party gone horribly wrong. I'm not sure. There was another preview, about growing up in the '60s and stealing a Cadillac to drive to California where all problems can be solved, but I finally found the remote and zapped through it.

And now Our Feature Presentation...

So our feature film finally cues up and we're back in the familiar territory of the swamps and marshes of southern Arkansas. As a narrator (Charles B. Pierce) waxes philosophical about the eerie serenity of the wetlands while he gives us the nickel tour, this natural serenity comes to a screeching halt when a large, primordial creature covered in long, coarse hair wanders into the scene near a river, starkly out of place against this backdrop. This is the legendary monster of Boggy Creek; a bigfoot like creature that has haunted the area around Fouke, Arkansas since the 1940s but has proven even more elusive than its cousin of the Pacific Northwest. While the narrator ponders if the creature is real or just myth, upstream, a deer comes out of the forest to drink. Then the deer decides to go for a swim and tries to cross the river 

Now, if you look close, it appears to me that there's something looped around the buck's neck, so technically, it isn't swimming but being drug across the water by the neck!

The distressed deer gets about halfway, then is held in a holding pattern so we can spy a bubbling disturbance -- as if something was under the water breathing (or passing gas?) -- chugging right toward it. Using the ominous soundtrack as a hint, we deduce that whatever's causing it isn't a friendly beaver. When the bubbling wake overtakes the tethered deer -- that has now magically changed to a dead-deer carcass -- the animal gets thrashed around until a large clawed hand comes out of the water. The deer changes form again, into a fake, prop-head, that pukes up a vomiting cone of blood as the monster throttles it, and then slowly drags it under. Then, all is silent as the water's surface turns placid until the deer's dismembered head bobs back to the surface. We cut to the shore and see the monster come out, dragging the bloody carcass behind him into the trees. 

So, with that bloody opening (where I suspect that at least three deer were sacrificed to get that scene), coupled with a full on view of the guy in the monkey suit already, we know we are in for a far different kind of film than the first Boggy Creek movie. Is abandoning the documentary style of it's predecessor to the film's detriment? That remains yet to be seen, but judging by what I've seen already, this could get seriously ugly.

We cut to the University of Arkansas, where we find Dr. Lockhart (Charles B. Pierce) at a football game, cheering on the Razorbacks. A professor of anthropology with a course on the mysterious swamp monster, Lockhart receives word from Tim Thorne (Chuck Pierce -- and if you're thinking nepotism, you're spot on right), one of his grad assistants, that there have been a rash of recent sightings of the creature. With that, Lockhart, who firmly believes in the creature, decides it's time to lead an expedition into the swamps to try and get proof of the creature's existence. So Lockhart, along with Tim, Tonya Yazoe (Serene Hedin), another grad assistant, and her "citified" friend, Leslie Walker (Cindy Butler), load up all kinds of sensors and scientific equipment (but not one single camera) into their jeep, and with a camper in tow, head out for the swamps and the monster's stomping grounds. 

They stop at a general store in Fouke so Lockhart can get some ammunition for his rifle. The clerk asks if they're going camping, and when Lockhart says they're actually monster hunting, this brings a fit of laughter from all the locals gathered there -- who all clamor "there ain't no such thing." While the scowling Lockhart gives them all a stare of righteous indignation that would cower Moses himself, the clerk adds that no one but "drunks or city folk wanting to get their names in the paper" have seen this so-called monster. Then another local pipes up, saying maybe they ought to get a monkey suit and raid the college-boy's camp. Still scowling, Lockhart's indignation boils over into full blown hostility. He warns them that he believes in the monster; in fact, it scares him, and he might be so scared that he'll shoot anything that even remotely resembles a monster if it gets close to his camp. Sweeping the room with his death-scowl one more time, he then takes up his ammunition and leaves. 

And if you listen real close, there, Doc, you can hear them locals calling you an asshole, and debating on whether to break out their own shotguns and pay house call on your camp anyway -- without a monkey-suit.

Leaving those unbelieving heathens behind, the troupe drives on until Lockhart tells Tim to stop at the next farm. It belonged to W.L. Slogan, who had a close encounter with the creature some 30 years ago. They get permission and explore the old barn where the sighting took place:

While Lockhart tells the story, someone smears mayonnaise all over the lens and we get a myopic flashback where we spy Slogan bringing his cattle in for the night. He hears something in the barn and takes a look inside. The opposite barn door is open, too, and there, silhouetted in the light, is the monster watching him! Slogan beats a hasty retreat and so does the monster.

The story done, they all pile back into the jeep and head down the road again. Suddenly, Tim hits the brakes, hard, to avoid a deer carcass lying in the middle of the highway. Lockhart asks Tim to help him drag it off the road before someone has a wreck. Upon closer inspection, they see the deer's head is missing and something has been chewing on it. Was it a bobcat? Or was it the creature? (Cue ominous music!)

Ominous music being Don Music banging his head on the old Casio keyboard for awhile.

Lockhart's crew finally finds a clearing and makes camp. Later, around the campfire, Tim sketches up the creature (and we really wish Tim would keep his shirt on because he appears to have a third nipple that's a little distracting.) Lockhart says it's an accurate rendering which scares the (and the movie can't stress this enough) "citified" Leslie, but country-gal Tonya (disturbingly) finds the thing sexy -- and we're not even going to touch that. Lockhart is confident that they might find the creature because of all the rain they've been having; the creature has never been spotted during a drought, so he theorizes that when the river floods the lowlands, it drives the creature out to higher and dryer ground. He then loads everybody back in the jeep so they can get acquainted with the area.

Now, remember how I was complaining about Tim's shirt earlier? Yeah, well, I'll withdraw that if Lockhart will stop wearing those disturbingly short shorts. Those things are reserved for little Japanese boys named Kenny who befriend giant, fire-breathing turtles, not middle aged men who should know better. People usually rag on '70s fashions, but the stuff we wore in the '80s wasn't much better. In other words -- Lockhart act your age and put some *&%$ pants on for chrissakes!

Stopping to investigate an abandoned homestead, the crew head for the derelict house when a rabid dog bounds out of the woods and attacks them. And do these geniuses run for the jeep and escape? Nope. They run into the abandoned house. Well, Lockhart does go to the jeep and gets his pistol, and pops off a few rounds at the dog but misses -- badly. (Don't bother to aim or anything. Sheesh.) As the foaming dog lays siege to the house, despite it's decaying brain, it continuously outwits our heroes. (And talk about faint praise...) Lockhart proves a terrible shot, and as I counted his rounds, expecting the six-shooter to magically reload itself (because there was no way in hell he had any spare ammo in those *ugh* tight shorts), this scene drags on and on... When the dog goes underneath the house, Lockhart uses up the rest of his ammo blowing holes in the floor. Then, as I waited for the magic seventh, eight and ninth bullets, Lockhart ceases fire and tells Tim to check the closet to find something to cover the holes in the floor before the dog gets in. Tim, being the idiot that he is, mistakes the back door for the closet, opens it wide, and comes face to face with the frothing dog. Lockhart throws him out of the way, pulls the trigger -- and (I'm as shocked as you are) the gun clicks empty! While the dog backs Lockhart into a corner, the others scramble out of the house and into the jeep. Worthless Tim grabs the rifle, returns to the house and manages to blasts the dog just as it lunges at Lockhart. Leaving the sick, and mortally wounded dog to slowly bleed to death on the floor, they vacate the premises. (I'm sure after Lockhart gave it one of his long, patented death-scowls.)

Upon their return to camp, "citified" Leslie has had enough and wants to head back to town and sleep in a hotel. Breaking out his righteously indignant death-scowl again, Lockhart says he never promised this would be a picnic, then returns to his notes and records. He goes over the countless incidents with the usually docile creature, which is why he is puzzled by the Otis Tucker incident...

...We break out the mayonnaise-cam again and spy Tucker trundling down a back road in his truck until he has a blowout. He breaks out the jack and starts to put on the spare when he starts hearing some strange noises. He shines his flashlight around but sees nothing. That's because the monster's right behind you! (Cue ominous music sting!) Tucker slowly turns, and then screams as the monster "wurbeldy-gurgles" and attacks him...

...Lockhart says no one knows for sure what happened to Tucker. He never regained consciousness after he was found and died two days later in the hospital. His wallet was still on him, so it wasn't a robbery, but something bludgeoned his skull and tipped his truck over, off the jack, and into the ditch. (One more time with that ominous music sting!)

The sun is starting to set, so it's time to set up all the fancy sensors and computer equipment they brought along. They establish a perimeter of sensors 200 meters around the camp, all tied into a computer in the camper. The computer acts as a radar station and picks up anything that moves in range. When Lockhart sends Tim and Tonya out in opposite directions to test the sensors, sure enough, two blips appear as Lockhart explains to Leslie (and the audience) why it doesn't pick up birds, raccoons and possums because it's set for a certain weight specifications. Lockhart radios his two guinea pigs to head back to camp, and he and Leslie watch as the blips get closer to the center when a third blip appears and starts zeroing in on Tonya's position -- and whatever it is, it's really big and moving really fast. Tension mounts as a heavy breathing, Rogue POV-shot follows Tonya. And as their blips on the radar grow closer and closer together, Lockhart takes up his pistol and heads out to intercept the bogey. He finds Tonya but the big blip has disappeared, leaving behind only an acrid smell.

Night falls, and Lockhart watches the radar while the others sleep. The big blip returns, so he wakes everyone up and they watch the screen as it circles the camp: Closer, and closer, and closer still! What's that noise?! Okay, Who forgot to fill up the generator? TIM?!? The camp is plunged into darkness and panic ensues. Lockhart orders the girls to stay inside while he and Tim fill up the generator. They find the gas can and start filling it up (and please try and get some gas into the tank, there, Tim.) Soon, the generator sputters to life and the floodlights reveal the creature, looking at them, towering above some small trees just outside of camp. Lockhart and Tim stare back in awe, then Tim runs away while Lockhart begs the creature to talk to him. The monster screeches and grunts, and then starts to move forward. Lockhart fires his shotgun. (That's a funny sounding shotgun?) Huh? I didn't know they made tranquilizer shotguns? The creature roars in pain, but the tranquilizer dart has no effect. Plucking it out of his chest, the creature storms off into the trees and out of sight.

The rest of the night is pretty uneventful.

The next day, they head back into town so Lockhart can interview a Sheriff's deputy about a recent encounter. Everyone's pretty tense after the previous night's harrowing encounter, so Lockhart tells them a creature story of a more comical nature...

...The mayonnaise-cam takes us into the home of Oscar and Myrtle Colpotter. And Oscar's looking for the Sears catalog because he's got to take a massive dump and needs some reading material to pass the time. His wife tells him it's on the back porch and we get to follow Oscar, with the catalog in tow, all the way to, and then inside the outhouse. (Thank you, movie.) We are then treated to Oscar's noisy bodily functions as he dumps his load while ogling and drooling over the female underwear models in the catalog. Thankfully, something sinister starts scratching on the door. He thinks it's Myrtle, spying on him, until the monster smashes the door in. He beats the creature off with the catalog, but gets his foot stuck in the crapper hole. Drawn out by the ruckus, Myrtle spies the creature running away. She helps Oscar out of the hole and starts to hose his leg off...

...The story brings a laugh out of everyone, but Lockhart admits the story might not be valid because Oscar was known for a bad drinking problem. (Ha-Hah! High hilarity. Poop jokes never fail. *sigh*) 

While the others go for more supplies, Lockhart interviews the deputy at his home. The deputy relates the tale of how he came home from fishing one day after catching the limit. His wife ordered him to clean the smelly fish over by the garage, so he took the fish down the driveway, went around to the side of the building, where he was brutally attacked by a throw rug. Well, make that Somebody threw a midget in a monkey suit on top of him. The two wrestle around for awhile until the deputy finally bucks him off. The little critter steals the cache of fish, then runs to a bigger critter waiting a few yards away. The big critter then picked up the midget critter, slung him on, piggy-back style, and loped off into the woods. The deputy swears the little critter was amazingly strong, and he needed seven stitches in his back after the encounter. He then asks Lockhart if he's spoken to old man Crenshaw yet. Seems this Crenshaw has lived on the bottoms all his life and has reported numerous sightings of the creature. Crenshaw also claims the beast is super-fast and a great swimmer. Lockhart promises to check in with him.

Later, at the camp, Lockhart has just about had it with Leslie's whining and complaining. He orders the girls to stay in camp while he and Tim go out looking for the monster -- just to get away from her for awhile. After the men leave, Leslie talks (well, more like scares) Tonya into taking the jeep and driving her back to town. They drive around and manage to not only get lost, but bury the jeep in a mud bog, too, As the sun sets, the girls are screaming at, and blaming each other for their current predicament. And when Doc and Tim return to camp, they find the girls and the jeep gone. 

Several hours pass. The men are still waiting. The girls are still bickering. The jeep is still stuck. And the hard-breathing Rogue POV-cam has showed up again. 

Me? I've concluded that this movie needs more midget monsters. A whole horde of them, plowing over Doc Lockhart and his hi-falutin, fiery gaze of indignation and death scowl. Then, these midget monsters should pummel him into something that resembles a wet prune. This guy couldn't lead an expedition to find his own ass -- even if he had one hand in his back pocket. And Leslie and Tonya might as well take their catfight outside and start wrestling in the mud. That would be cool. Well, that, and everybody still needs to put some @*&# regular pants on.

Okay, where were we...

After consulting the owners manual, the girls finally decide to try the front mounted winch on the jeep to get it unstuck. Spooling out the cable, they even manage to get it hooked onto a tree and start winching the truck out when Leslie spots the monster watching them. Terrified, the girls abandon the jeep and run back down the muddy road. Back at the camp, Lockhart spies a familiar blip on the radar headed their way. Tim thinks it might be the creature, but Doc has other ideas. He tells Tim to play it cool and wait. Sure enough, the girls drag themselves back into camp and tell them of their encounter with the creature. Lockhart starts to fire up his indignant glare again but then reels it back in. The girls have been through enough tonight.

The next morning, the expedition moves on to a small resort area along the river to rent a boat to go and see old Crenshaw. (And I'll admit, the resort looks just like the Lost River Lake from Piranha.) While they negotiate for a rental boat, we watch a bunch of swimmers frolicking in the water. Now what's that in the background there? Uh-oh. A familiar bubbling wake is heading right toward the swimmers. (I wonder if they're tethered?) Delightfully unaware that something is lurking under them in the water, one of them finally spots the bubbling trail. And what's causing it finally breaks the surface and it turns out only to be a young hooligan in a fright mask.

Lockhart and his crew putter out onto the river and are harassed by some clown on a jet-ski. As he circles them, Tanya makes goo-goo eyes at him until he finally peels off and heads back. But we spot another bubbling wake between him and us. Then the jet-ski hits something and the rider falls off. And I'm not sure what happens next. Either the monster is closing in on him as he desperately tries to get back to the jet-ski, or this moron just isn't a very a good swimmer. I don't know. You be the judge. Regardless, he gets away.

And I just realized this movie managed to rip-off JAWS, JAWS II, JAWS III, Up From the Depths and Piranha all in the last five minutes. That's gotta be some kind of record.

They find Crenshaw's shack but no one's home. They look around until a big, hairy and surly looking brute lumbers into view. Since he's wearing a pair of one-strap overalls, I'm gonna assume this is Crenshaw and not another monster. Fearing they're Revenue men from the government, Crenshaw (Jimmy Clem) holds a shot-gun on them. And if they are G-Men, he'll shoot them all on the spot. Lockhart assures him they're from the University, here on a field trip to gather information. The brutish bumpkin apologizes and assures everyone that his "bark is much worse than his bite" and offers them all to sit a spell. He also offers everyone a plug of chewing tobacco and a drag off his moonshine jug. Only Tonya accepts. Crenshaw is smitten with her but she's soon turning green and runs off to hurl her cookies after consuming the noxious concoction. While she barfs, Lockhart starts asking questions about the Boggy Creek monster. Crenshaw claims they're regular visitors around his place and he can't get no sleep because of the racket they make. 

Lockhart can see that Crenshaw is preoccupied with something, but can't quite figure out why. He leaves him to check on Tonya and the others. They want to head back but a bad storm is brewing and it isn't safe to be on the river. Crenshaw offers his house for shelter but he must tend to his fires and starts stacking huge piles of wood. Lockhart herds the others inside and tells them to sit tight. Something isn't kosher. There's evidence that this isn't the first night for these huge bonfires, so he questions Crenshaw on what he's afraid of. But the bumpkin won't answer and douses the wood with gasoline. 

The sky grows black as thunder and lighting start to rumble and flash in the distance. Crenshaw asks Lockhart if he's a real doctor -- that "can patch people up." He isn't that kind of doctor, but Crenshaw takes him out of the main room, away from the others, and makes a sales pitch to Lockhart, saying they can make it rich with the creature because he knows how to catch it. Intrigued, Lockhart asks how. Crenshaw opens the door to a side room revealing the midget creature lying on the floor in a heap. While Lockhart examines it, Crenshaw confesses that he caught it in one of his traps a few days ago, and now he wants to cash it in.

Lockhart says he's crazy, and then realizes what the bonfires are for: They're to keep the bigger creature away from it's offspring. The little creature appears all but dead but Crenshaw orders Lockhart to fix him -- or else. Lockhart says they got to get it to a real doctor (or at least a vet.) Crenshaw says there's no time because the sun's gone down and he's got to go and tend the fires. The fires are lit, and Crenshaw takes up his shotgun and stands a vigil around the tree line. And it isn't long before everyone spots the creature lurking about. Lockhart tells Leslie to watch Crenshaw while he takes Tonya and Tim in to see the little creature. 

When the storm breaks, the rain pours down dousing the fires. Now unhindered, the monster closes in. As Crenshaw retreats toward the house, Lockhart heads outside with his pistol, but instead of aiming at the creature, he aims it at Crenshaw and forces him to hand over the shotgun. He then orders everyone back inside the house. Giving the shotgun to Tim, he tells him to watch Crenshaw. As the big creature starts to break the front door down, Lockhart runs into the other room and cradles the little creature in his arms. He takes it back to the main room just as the big creature splinters the door apart and breaks in. Hoping the creature understands what he's doing, Lockhart gives the little one back. (No harm, no foul right? Besides, it was Hillbilly Jim over there. Rip his head off. You can rip Tim's head off, too, if you want. And that stupid city girl too.) The creature takes its offspring and retreats back through what's left of the door and disappears into the storm. 

Crenshaw grabs the shotgun away from Tim and tries to fire at it but the gun is empty. Lockhart took the shells out when no one was looking. 

The next morning, while the others pile into the boat, Lockhart has a final chat with Crenshaw. The big galoot sees the error of his ways and admits Lockhart was right -- the creature needs to be left alone out in the wild. The two shake hands.

A while the intrepid Lockhart expedition putters back up river, their fearless leader has a few ponderings of his own to leave us with: He has no intention of telling anyone about their encounter with the creature; it's not that anyone wouldn't believe them, he fears those who would believe them and come out here like they did. He wants to help keep the creature a mystery. They aren't monsters, really. They're just another part of nature and are meant to be left in the wild just like God intended.

Amen, you self-righteous turd. 

And as the end credits roll, we see the two creatures, fully recovered and frolicking around the woods to maim and kill all unsuspecting motorists who're just trying to change their flat tires.

The End

Aarrrgh! But this movie sucks.

You know something, I really enjoyed The Legend of Boggy Creek. If you haven't read that review or seen it, it's a pseudo-documentary feature on Arkansas very own Bigfoot. The film is really compelling and authentic for the first two-thirds when it uses testimonials and re-enactments of encounters with the beast. And whether you believe in such things or not, doesn't matter because the film is so sincere it puts the hypno-whammy on you and will have even the harshest skeptic believing in it. The last third of that film, though, concentrates completely on the creature's attack and siege on the Ford family house and the film's spell is broken. It's no longer a documentary but a monster movie with a really bad gorilla costume. I love and champion monster movies -- especially monster movies with bad gorilla costumes -- but with such a great build up, the end of Legend is a big let down.

Charles B. Pierce wrote, produced and directed both of these films. Everything he did right for the first one, he ignored and made his second effort an outright monster movie. The monster's costume is better, but that's the only thing better about the sequel. It's bad, it's plodding, and it's horribly padded. And the only thing more atrocious than the dialogue, is the acting ability of the actors executing those lines, making for plenty of laughs to be had at the film's expense.

So, with all these grounds for high hilarity, What it is it about this film that just rubs me the wrong the way?

It's pretty easy, actually. Boggy Creek II basically comes off as a 93 minute vanity project for Pierce. No, not a pet project he earned -- or his special vision that he wanted to get onto the screen. No. This is a personal piece of vanity for Pierce himself. The entire film has him prancing around like God's personal instrument of bad filmmaking. Pierce had just come off co-writing the Dirty Harry sequel, Sudden Impact, and this carries over to Boggy Creek II; and his fiery, self-righteous glare and death scowl is only the tip of the iceberg. Strutting around the swamp in form fitting clothes, waving his big pistol around with a macho swagger that doesn't fit his stature, his sh*t doesn't stink, he knows it, and he'll gladly tell you why. He just oozes an attitude that says, Since I'm in it, this turd of a movie is suddenly gold plated. His script allows him to act like a complete and total schmuck, but it doesn't matter because he's the hero of the film and justified moral center. Why? BECAUSE HE WROTE IT THAT WAY!

That may sound harsh but it's true. Pierce has some real talent as a director and storyteller, but he has no business being in front of it as an action hero. (Or odious comedy relief for that matter. See The Town That Dreaded Sundown.) The rest of the cast consists of his son and regulars from his other productions, but they don't fare much better -- except for Clem, who steals the show as the surly bumpkin.

The film does overachieve in spots, and even has a few suspenseful moments as Pierce tries to recapture the magic of the first film with the flashback sequences. But the mayonnaise covered camera lens kind of ruins it. Despite all of the complaints, it still has a guy in a monkey suit running amok -- so it will always have that going for it to balance things out.

If you've only seen this movie, I beg you to track down and watch the original The Legend of Boggy Creek. Boggy Creek II is a fine piece of crap-cinema with lots of stuff to poke fun and groan at. You'll probably be shocked that the same people are responsible for both films. I don't know if it's as painful as I've made it out to be -- or if it just caught me on a bad day because I seem to remember liking this movie a lot more when I first saw it. 

Oh, well.

Posted: 12/13/02. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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