Our movie opens with ominous music and a pool of red tinted liquid a boiling and churning. And when the film's title presents itself, it proceeds to bleed (or leak maybe?) on the rest of the credits.

We jump to a chain-smoking middle aged man decked out like some ersatz new-age guru sitting behind a desk in front of some nice wood paneling. This man (Brad Grinter) will serve as our narrator for the rest of the evening -- think Bela Lugosi in Glen or Glenda (and we already know we're in trouble...) In between drags off his butt, he goes on a rambling preamble about change and catalysts, and how they come about, that rivals anything Criswell ever did for Ed Wood. Sounding like one of those self-help nuts that you here around 4a.m. broadcasting from a 2-Watt radio station, spouting there own brand of psycho-self-help-babble, each sentence is filled with a pregnant pause. No, not for dramatic effect, he's just forgotten his lines and has to (as nonchalantly as he can) check the script on his desk to see what his next line is...

* * * *

If you've ever wanted to know what would happen if you combined a little Manos: The Hands of Fate with Tammy Faye Baker's former religious flare (and eye make-up), sprinkled in a little Herschel Gordon Lewis inspired gore, the plot-logic and Shakespearean sincerity of Robot Monster and every anti-drug scare film you've ever seen, you'd probably agree that such a combination would have some noxious -- if not totally lethal results. Then imagine that whole concept was scripted by Ed Wood and directed by Coleman Francis, and you might get an inkling as to exactly what kind of brain-bending movie watching experience Blood Freak truly is.

After stumbling through his monologue about fate and destiny, the narrator reveals he has a morality play in store for us. The soundtrack turns from ominous to obnoxious as he throws us over to the Florida Turnpike where we meet our protagonist, Hershel (Steven Hawkes). Herschel is a muscle-bound, motorcycle-riding Vietnam vet who doesn't have a care in the world -- but fate has something else in store for him:

All he had to do was keep on driving but Herschel decides to stop and help a lady motorist in distress. I use the term "distress" loosely because all she did was stop the car, got out, and looked at the hood. Herschel stops and offers to help but the car has magically healed itself. Then the mystery woman invites him home. He agrees -- and I'm assuming all this because there is dialogue but no sound! And then the rest of credits roll.

 And I already know I need more beer.

The two drive on until the soundtrack piles up and crashes to an abrupt halt. We move inside some swinging pad where a group of no-good-niks are submerged in a orgy of drug taking (huffing glue, pill popping, reefer, goofballs, bennies etc.) Enter Hershel and the woman, who finally introduces herself as Angel (Heather Hughes). As her name implies, Angel is a God-fearing bible enthusiast, and warns Hershel about her sister Ann and her hippy friends. Telling Angel he doesn't do drugs makes her very happy. She introduces Ann (Dana Culliver), who offers Hershel a little reefer. He refuses while Angel begs her to give up her evil ways. But Ann's heard this speech before and won't listen.

Angel leaves to change clothes, and several other female patrons try to woo the beefy Hershel but he rebuffs them all. Thinking Hershel is too much a man to be wasted on her holier-then-thou sister, Ann conspires with the greasy Guy (Larry Wright) to get him hooked on drugs so she can have a shot at him. Guy gives her some potent stuff that will do the trick. While Angel and Hershel debate theological issues over in the corner, like using sticks and stones to commit adultery (?!?), the party continues with it's wanton debauchery. It gets to be too much for them. Angel tries to save Ann one more time before they leave, but Ann gives them both hell about judging yet ye be judged (or something), and kicks them both out. But she still has a heavily-mascared eye on our boy Hershel.

The narrator chimes in about the fantastic order of things, oblivion, and the choices we make that shape our destiny. Who are we to judge, man. On one hand you have the good sister, on the other the bad. So which path should he take? (Man Robert Frost so ripped this movie off.) He warns Hershel that the seekers of the truth must choose a path, but warns the results may be worse than the hell he saw in Vietnam. Amen brother.

Our story resumes as Angel takes Hershel to meet their father. Tom likes Hershel, and his life's philosophy, and offers him a job on his turkey ranch. Needing a job, Hershel is interested but he has no place to stay. Angel says he can stay with them. So it's all set: Hershel will start at the turkey ranch first thing Monday morning. But Monday is a few days away yet, giving Ann ample time to get her hooks into the big lug. The next morning she finds Hershel cleaning the pool. Donning a skimpy bikini, she puts the vamp on Hershel but he does not bend. While he blathers about how drugs are bad, and why can't she be more like Angel, Ann digs out some of the good stuff that Guy gave her from her secret stash in a Band-Aid box (product placement?). She lights up and offers Hershel a drag. He refuses until she throws a hissy-fit and calls him a coward. Offended, Hershel grabs the roach and takes a nice long drag off of it. Then another. And another. They both take several more hits and are soon in full blown dementia mode -- and giggling like idiots. Now that he's good and stoned, Ann promises "That when I'm done, you'll be glad I'm not at all like my sister" and leads him off into the bedroom.

The narrator saves us from poking our eyes out and raves who could resist such temptation. (Is everyone else raising their hands too?) He then debates if this is really bad, and then bemoans the fate of those who like to rinse and repeat their mistakes. He then takes another drag and ends his speech by losing his train of thought and shouting "Right on!"

Monday morning finally arrives and Hershel emerges from the green haze of Ann's bedroom, late for work. While the guy on the soundtrack stomps on his wah-wah peddle, Hershel rolls his hog into the Midway Turkey Farm and Hatchery. He heads toward the holding pens and the turkey's gobble ominously. (And if you listen close you can hear someone cawing and cooing, trying to get the turkey's to make some noise.) Now everyone knows that every Turkey Farm has its own super-secret lab where dubious experiments with chemical additives is going on -- and Midway is no different. Tom introduces Hershel to his head researchers, Lenny and Gene, and tells them to put Hershel to work.

Just so we can keep them apart: Lenny is the one with the beard, while Gene is the one who can never remember his lines and keeps looking at the camera when he knows he's not supposed to.

Hershel asks what kind of work he's supposed to do, and aside from the general labor, Lenny says they're experimenting with certain drugs on the turkeys, and need someone to eat the meat to see if there are any detrimental side-effects. Hershel isn't sure about eating the tainted meat but Gene assures him it's safe -- it's just something they have to do for the government. They sweeten the pot by offering to give Hershel some of their extra drugs as a bonus. Hershel agrees. They'll start tomorrow and Lenny reminds him to "Bring your appetite."

The day progress and Hershel makes a fine poultry wrangler until he starts suffering from withdrawal. By the time he returns home, he's hurting for a fix real bad. Ann tries to comfort him but that's not what he craves. She calls Guy and he brings more drugs over. They immediately torch-up and Hershel stops twitching. Hershel grows violent when Guy asks for payment. Threatening the little weasel that since he got him hooked, he will provide the drugs for free. Fearing for his life, Guy agrees.

The next day at work, Lenny presents Hershel with his first batch of chemically altered turkey. It's been basted in heroin, and stuffed with the finest hallucinogenic mushrooms and peyote, served with a delicious poppy seed gravy. Hershel gives it a quick sniff for safety, shrugs, then digs in. The other turkeys watch in horror as Hershel gorges himself on their former comrade. When he finishes up (I can't believe I ate the whole thing), the meat doesn't sit well in his stomach. In fact, it's starting to revolt. He moves away from the table and wanders off into the bushes. Roaming around in a drug induced delirium, he stumbles, falls down, and then his body starts twitching that degenerates into full blown convulsions. Lenny finds Hershel in this agitated state, panics and runs to call for help. But he stops, gathers Hershel up, and drags him away. Later, Lenny and Gene explain to Tom why they didn't call an ambulance and dumped Hershel's body down the road: They feared an investigation into their experiments and somehow they'd take the blame and get into trouble. (Gene! Stop looking at the camera!) Tom reads them the riot act because all they did was feed him some turkey and dubs them a couple of "dumb bastards" (the movie's favorite catch phrase. I don't think Tom was aware of those two's dubious experiments.) Tom leaves. Gene and Lenny realize if they stick around, there's going to be a lot of questions from the police. They agree to skip town.

While Ann worries because Hershel hasn't come home yet, he's still lying in a ditch, convulsing away. Suddenly, the twitching stops. And a new monster stalks the earth. A creature so wretched, so horrible, that it defies all laws of nature. A creature that is half-man and half-poultry. A Were-Turkey -- with the body of a man and the (papier-mâché) head of giant turkey. Yes. Hershel isn't Hershel anymore. He's become the dreaded Blood Freak! 

Turkey-Hershel returns home and finds Ann in the bedroom. One look at his beaked and feathered head, she screams and promptly passes out. He scribbles a quick note and wakes her up. She reads it and realizes it's Hershel. Able to talk to him as long as she doesn't look at his face, all he can do is gobble a response. (Actual turkey noises.) According to the note, he needs more drugs, but Ann is more concerned about their future. What if his new look never wears off? Ann starts to feel guilty, realizing all this is probably her fault. She promises to help him anyway she can. (She must be high because there's a frigging mutant turkey-man in her room!) Her guilt-attack is short lived, though, and she's soon whining again because if he stays like this, it will ruin all her plans. She wanted to get married but now she's not so sure. She lists the pros and cons: What would the kids think about their father having a turkey head? In fact. What would the kids look like? (I can't believe this crap either.) Hershel's answer is to cut the lights, plunging the room into complete darkness. Ann calls his name anxiously. No answer. She calls his name again. No answer. One more time and we finally get a gobble in reply. She then cries "Oh, Hershel" in orgasmic pleasure. 

And a woman has sex with a turkey-monster. Screen history, folks. Screen history.

After the deed, Ann calls Angel for help. Sobbing (I wonder why? Maybe because you just slept with a turkey-monster you hose-bag!), Ann confesses that she got Hershel addicted to drugs, and things have gotten much worse -- a lot worse, and Angel must come see it to believe it.

The narrator interrupts again. He's finds the latest development interesting. Only when things get really really bad do we turn to God. While he rambles, Ann shows Angel Hershel's new look. Angel takes it well. Will of God I guess. The narrator ends this particular diatribe by warning to be careful what you pray for.

Time passes, and Ann calls in a couple of her stoner friends (who I've dubbed Tanner and Ogilve due to their striking resemblance to a couple of the Bad News Bears.) She needs their help in keeping a steady supply of drugs for Hershel. They don't believe her stories until she calls Hershel out to meet them. Now I'm gonna assume that these three are so baked, or some drug-residue from the film has come out of the TV, causing us not to notice that Hershel is suddenly outside, prowling around somebody's house. Spying a man shooting a woman up with heroin, Turkey-Hershel tip-toes around to the front and ambushes the woman as she leaves and drags her off into the bushes. 

Back at Ann's place, she, Tanner and Ogilve sit in a circle of green haze. The two potheads agree to help anyway they can, but It won't be easy because Hershel scared Guy off, making the drugs harder to come by. The drugs finally hit Ogilve and he points out that the turkey-monster really isn't Hershel and fears he might hurt somebody. (Hey! Somebody's finally making sense.) But Ann still loves Hershel and believes he will get better.

Meanwhile, Turkey-Hershel finds another woman strung out on heroin. He attacks and strings her up by her ankles, and then slits her throat, feasting on the cascading torrent of blood that runs out. While Turkey-Hershel cups the blood in his hands and smears it all over his beak, another woman witnesses this attack and screams once -- the sound man then loops that exact same scream in ELEVEN FRIGGIN' times.

Back at the house, Ann is still blubbering about ruining Hershel's life but finally agrees that maybe he is a monster. Tanner and Ogilve tell her not to worry and they'll take care of it.

Turkey-Hershel's hunt continues. And he finds yet another woman strung out on heroin. (Yes, he'll only drink the blood of drug-addicts, and apparently, only female drug addicts at that.) He strings this one up in the exact same fashion and starts draining and drinking her blood too. After we hear that same looped scream five more times, it finally alerts the neighbors. Turkey-Hershel throttles the first man who comes out -- who says something like "wogga-wagga" while being throttled. They loop that too. This brings out the man's husky son -- or it might be his wife. Let's call him Pat swoons over the dead body, and then throws his/her doughy frame into the fray. Tackling the killer, Pat takes a handy ice-pick and stabs the monster right in the eye. Turkey-Hershel screams -- e'yup, that's looped to infinity as well -- and wrestles the ice pick away from Pat and returns the favor, several times. Clutching his gored eye, Turkey-Hershel stumbles off into the night.

Now inexplicably, even for this movie, Ann decides to get over Hershel by going back to Guy. While Ann takes a nap, Guy calls his supplier and asks for more drugs. The supplier (who looks like Michael Moriarity, so we'll call him Mike) tells Guy to get lost because he never paid for his last batch of drugs. Guy swears he has money this time. Mike warns he better -- or else.

As Turkey-Hershel continues to stumble around I'd like to take this opportunity to implore the cameraman to at least try and keep the damn shot in frame or at least in focus.

Mike shows up with the drugs but Guy is $75 short. No sale. Gathering up the drugs up, he is about to leave when Greasy Guy makes him an offer he can't refuse: He's got a beautiful chick that Mike can have -- if it will square all accounts. Mike wants to see the chick first. And after he gets an eye full of Ann, he agrees to the offer and kicks Guy out of the house. He approaches the sleeping Ann and starts to fondle her breasts. Thinking it's Hershel, Ann starts to wake up. (Honey, you came to see Guy remember? No, you probably don't.) She screams when she doesn't recognize her attacker. Mike muffles her, but she won't stop struggling. So he starts to strangle her until he sees Turkey-Hershel spying on them through the window. Mike panics and quickly walks away. (Why isn't he running? You'll find out in a second.) He retreats into a nearby machine shop with the clucking Turkey-Hershel right behind him. He finally catches Mike and beats the crap out of him, and the brawl ends with the monster throwing him onto a table saw. Turkey-Hershel fires the machine up and chops Mike's leg off. While grasping his bloody stump, Mike's screams are looped ad nauseum. (A truly effective scene -- except for the screaming. The actor playing Mike was really missing a leg adding a realistic touch to the gore.) He finally stops screaming -- What? Did the tape break? -- and dies.

Stumbling outside, Turkey-Hershell finds a clearing and falls to his knees. He clasps his hands in prayer and looks to the sky for help. He doesn't realize that Tanner and Ogilve have been following him. Ogilve approaches Hershel from behind, and quietly raises a machete. He brings the blade down to deliver a lethal blow. We cut before it's impact -- to an actual turkey getting it's head lopped off! We're then privileged to watch its headless body flop around for awhile in slow motion until it finally stops. We cut again, to dinner party, and the main course is served: On the platter is a batch of turkey meat and Hershel's turkey head. The meat is torn to pieces and consumed by some unknown feasters and the film fades to black. 

The End?

Nope. Not quite. 

The screen fades back in on Hershel, twitching in the ditch. Tom has found him and wakes him up. It was all a horrible dream. Hershel confesses that he was injured badly in Vietnam and got addicted to painkillers, and has supplemented that with other drugs. Tom says they'll call Angel, who works with addicts at the recovery center. After Hershel starts the long road to sobriety, Ann calls Angel and confesses that she gave Hershel some bad drugs and is feeling guilty. If she new he was already an addict, she'd never have done it. Ann still loves Hershel but can't face him. Angel assures her sister that if Hershel truly loves her, he'll forgive her -- and the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Our beloved narrator chimes in one last time. He rambles something more about change and probability, and warns everyone about the abuse of your body. There are chemicals everywhere. In the food we eat. In the water we drink. And in the air we breath. And almost on cue, he takes a huge drag off the cigarette and starts hacking up a lung. He then announces, between hacks, that he will give us one more look at the players in our story. (And watch for his final look of indignity.)

We spy Ann in a melancholy mood, wandering down a pier. Her mood picks up when she spots Hershel. They embrace and share a kiss. They both have kicked their drug habits (forgive me), cold turkey, and will face the future together, drug free and in the service of the Lord.

The end

Un-buh-lievable!

A chain-smoking narrator with a nasty hacking cough who waxes about stuff that's basically irrelevant to the film; a big and dopey leading man who's half Arnold Schwarzenneger and half Elvis Presley who is destined to become the first turkey-monster in screen history; a bible-thumping, verse-misquoting vixen clad in a mod mini-skirt; and her dope-smoking sister with a thing for thick mascara who isn't sure she can marry a turkey monster -- but is more then willing to have sex with it! Blood Freak is incredibly audacious, yet taken so seriously that the mind boggles at the sheer magnitude of it. Watch as the actors keep flubbing and butchering their dialogue while they desperately try to not look at the camera or crack a smile (and fail 90% of the time.) Marvel how the cameraman can't keep the action in focus -- or in frame! Plug your ears as the sound-man uses that the same scream, laugh or gobble and loops it in over and over and over...

Some call it the missing link between Florida's exploitation filmmakers (nudity and gore) and the sunshine state's other most notoriously known film style -- the fundamentalist films of Ron Ormond and Donald Thompson. I call it something else: The greatest cinematically challenged movie ever made.

Well it all started on two different movie sets in the great state of Florida. (Home of Stomp Tokyo, Disneyworld, botched elections and the source of many bizarre exploitation movies.) Brad Grinter was a part-time film-instructor and full-time nudist who funneled some of his student's tuitions for his own film projects. He had just made his directorial debut the year before with Flesh Feast. Inspired by Florida's very own gore king, Herschel Gordon Lewis, this was the last screen appearance of Veronica Lake. Lake played an evil scientist who created a batch of flesh-eating worms for Adolf Hitler's face. Meanwhile, Steven Hawkes, Grinter's future partner in crime, was a muscle-bound European actor -- complete with a thick accent topped off with an Elvis style pompadour and side-burns. It was while in Florida filming a couple of Spanish Tarzan knock-offs, during the filming of Tarzan and the Brown Prince, that a botched fire-effect left Hawkes with burns over 90 percent of his body. (If you look at his arms during Blood Freak the scarring is pretty obvious.) To avoid legal hassles, the Spanish film crew skipped off to South America, leaving Hawkes behind to recuperate. Needing money to foot his medical bills, he starred in a couple of skanky nudie-cuties. Grinter also dabbled in the nudist genre, and somehow these two met, found some financial backing, and Blood Freak was born. 

At some point, the financier backed out and disappeared, leaving Hawkes and Grinter with an unfinished film and no money to continue. They managed to cobble together what they had and shot the last few scenes (okay, half the movie) in 8mm. Upon completion, the film fell victim to the newly installed MPAA ratings system and was slapped with an X-Rating for violence. The film's distribution was almost non-existent and it only raked in about $170,000 (but you have to figure that $169,977.24 of it was profit once you figured in costs.) Grinter made a few more nudist colony pictures, and then disappeared off the cinematic map. Hawkes made another film but then retired from the business, too, and opened up a nature reserve in Florida where he still is today.

I'll also take this opportunity to give Something Weird Video a glowing review and kudos on their Blood Freak DVD. The movie has been digitally remastered, although I don't know why because half the film is out of focus. Not only do you get the feature film, you also get over three hours of extras including The Walls Have Eyes (one of Hawkes' sleazy nudie-cuties), Brad Grinter: Nudist, and four more shorts ranging from the horrors of Narcotics to the joys of Thanksgiving and over a dozen trailers to similar-themed gore films. Are all their DVD's this crammed packed with goodies? If so, I know where I'm blowing my Christmas money.

Every B-Movie fanatic, cult-movie freak and crap-movie maven worth their stones needs to see this movie at least once. Words really fail me when I try to explain this movie's effect on me. The best way I can sum it up is, as much as I love it, I have to be careful with the film and only watch it sparingly. Why? The movie is so gloriously bad, yet it made me laugh so hard I honestly fear for my health.

Beyond that, I'll just let the movie speak for itself. Seek this movie. Find this movie. Watch this movie. And you will love this movie, to. Trust me.

Posted: 11/15/02. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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