Since we already tackled Shepherd over there, here we’re going to zero in on Clark and focus on his other Christmas movie; only this one isn’t about life lessons learned during the quest for a certain gift or spreading good will towards men. Far from it. We’re talking about a film that is either credited for -- or railed against -- for starting the whole slasher/body count movie phenomenon: A lethargic but moody little potboiler known as Black Christmas…

The girls at the Pi Kappa Sigma house have been plagued by an obscene phone caller. And as their Christmas party winds down and most of the girls pack up to head home for the holidays, they don’t realize the caller, via our old friend the Rogue-POV camera (and here it's having an asthma attack), is actually inside the house! He strikes!, wrapping one of the girls up in a plastic bag and hauls the asphyxiated victim up to his attic hiding place (for safe keeping, I guess).

After the dirty deed, he calls the extension downstairs -- and each call less coherent than the one before, introduces himself as "Billy, who has done something very bad," and torments the sorority sisters with more blathering and pig-like squeals. (Clark himself provided the voice for Billy.) One of the girls, Olivia Hussey, deciphers some of the nonsense and thinks it might be her estranged boyfriend, Kier Dullea. (And when you find out why they’re estranged, you realize Hussey isn’t your typical final girl.)

The cops are too busy to look into this, on the surface, nuisance case as they scour the countryside for a missing 13-year old girl (who may or may not have been a victim of Billy.) When the father of the plastic-wrap victim comes to find out why his daughter didn't make it home, the lushy house mom suggests she's shacked up with her boyfriend, while mouthy Margo Kidder consoles him with tales of the sexual prowess of turtles.

Red herrings, false leads, and a slow but steady body count follow. And then after the infamous “Christmas caroling murder” (and those of you who have seen the movie know what I’m talking about: Death by unicorn! Poor Margot.), the climax comes a calling. The bumbling police finally trace the call and warn Hussey to get out of the house. Too late, though, the shadowy killer is upon her. She gets away and locks herself in the basement. There’s a knock on the door. It’s her boyfriend; who wants to talk things over…

The End?

I won’t spoil the ending because there is no ending. Okay, there's an ending, but it's one of those that I like to refer to as a cheesedick ending. Usually all the knotted and convoluted plot threads in these thrillers don’t make a lick of sense until they untangle all over themselves during the climax; but not this time. It is maddeningly ambiguous. Some think the ending is brilliant, others, like myself, find it completely irrational and irritating, and more than a little stupid, sinking what up to that point had been a pretty effective mystery.

Now, it’s my understanding that there was a more conventional and satisfying ending where the true killer is revealed, but Clark didn’t like it. So, he re-shot it and the results, as they say, vary per customer. The killer remains in the shadows, but with the wonders of DVD, if you freeze frame it right, you can see who it is.

Clark broke into the industry as a second unit director on the skuzzy K. Gordan Murray classic Shanty Tramp. His first directing gig was She-Man, the tale of a man disguising himself as a woman to avoid the draft. After that, he teamed up Alan Ormsby for the zombie anti-classics Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things and Deathdream; an offbeat tale of a Vietnam veteran's return home that draws inspiration from The Monkey's Paw. They also tackled Ed Gein in Deranged, where they broke in a new special-effects guy named Tom Savani.

Clark then pitted Sherlock Holmes against Jack the Ripper in Murder by Decree before unleashing Porky's, Porky's II and Porky's III on the world. (Though I do have a soft spot for Porky's II. It was one of the first R-rated films the old underage Beerman managed to bluff his way into.) Somewhere in between there came A Christmas Story. After that, the man has just been scuffling with really bad comedies. Aside from Turk 182, films like Rhinestone and Loose Cannons are just abominable. And he's done even worse lately with a franchise that shall not be named.

Getting back to Black Christmas, the film, not unlike his other Christmas movie, initially wallowed in obscurity under several different titles -- Silent Night, Evil Night and A Stranger in the House -- and might have been forgotten forever if NBC hadn’t deemed the film too scary for prime time and pulled it. After that, people began tracking it down to see what it was all about, liked what they saw, and began championing it over John Carpenter’s Halloween as slasher ground zero.

But I think both films get and take too much credit for starting this particular genre. They both helped cement “the rules of the game” for it -- and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, what rock have you been under? And if so, welcome back, now go rent Scream and all will be made clear. You’ve got to go back a lot farther than 1978 and 1974 to find the originators of this particular species of film. Although Black Christmas probably did usher in the era of Canuxploitation as most of the horror movies you remember from the late ‘70s and early ‘80s -- Prom Night, Happy Birthday to Me and My Bloody Valentine -- were all of Canadian, tax-shelter origin.

All the now familiar genre staples are here: 

• The murder and mayhem is based or centered around a holiday.
• The rogue point-of-view shots simulating the killer.
• The lame attempts at comedy relief.
• Incompetent law enforcement -- despite the John Saxon factor.
• Death by strange, lethally sharp objects. The strangest reserved for the most obnoxious character.
• A neat and tidy killer who defies all laws of physics and can teleport at will.
• The aforementioned red herrings, false leads, and macguffins.
• A climbing body count (including the lushy house mom, future SCTV alum Andrea Martin, and one baby grand piano.)
• The final girl is the last one standing.
• And the ambiguous, open-ending that just screams SEQUEL!

And rumors were flying a few years ago about a proposed sequel for Black Christmas when it was officially released on DVD. Word was that Clark was set to direct, and stars Hussey and Saxon were rumored to rehash their roles; but those rumors quickly dried up. I guess Clark was too busy making Baby Geniuses. (Gah! Now there’s a truly terrifying film. Sorry, I promised not to bring that up,..)

Black Christmas is by no means a great film. The first time I saw it, I hated it. The second time through, I still hated. But the third time through, something finally clicked. Despite it's glacial pace and '70s fashion faux paus, there is a good film here -- if we can get past that ending. If the original ending had remained intact, all the pieces to the puzzle fall into place. Without it, it kind of train-wrecks.

So, if you’ve had enough of the Parker clan by hour 17 of the 24-hour broadcast marathon Christmas Day, you could do a lot worse than this one if you’re looking for a good scare to feed your inner Scrooge after all that holiday cheer.

Merry Christmas everybody. (Or bah-humbug if you're so inclined.)

Posted: 12/24/04. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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