The
story picks up again as a stagecoach hastily winds its way toward the
next station. They’re behind schedule because they stopped and picked
up an extra passenger. (It's
Assumed Dracula.) We’re
quickly introduced to the other passengers, and it's here where we meet
my favorite character: Joe Flake, a whiskey salesman
(and Curly Howard’s stunt double. Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!)
Also on
board are Mary Bentley, and her brother James Underhill (Marjorie
Bennet & William Forrest). Mary owns the Bar-B Ranch and is
bringing James out for a visit. Showing Assumed Dracula a picture of her
daughter, Betty, he's immediately smitten with her beauty. She also
mentions that Betty has never seen her Uncle James. (Plot
point! Plot point! Plot point!)
They
arrive at the station just as the sun sets, and the manager prevents Joe
from selling firewater to the local Indians. The weary travelers bed
down for the night. All save one: Assumed Dracula goes into the Indian
camp with his fangs out and kills a young girl.
The
next morning, after the stage departs, her body is discovered. Seeking
revenge, the natives go on the warpath and run the stage down, massacring
everyone on board. (Ah,
Joe, we hardly knew yah.) Everyone that is except for Assumed
Dracula, who conveniently missed the stage’s departure. Seizes the
opportunity, he flies to the massacre sight and assumes the identity of
Uncle James.
Meanwhile,
at the Bar-B, Billy the Kid (Chuck
Courtney) has put his lawless days behind him. He's the ranch's
foreman and Betty’s fiancé. This doesn’t make Red (Bing
Russell -- Kurt
Russell's dad),
the former foreman and boyfriend very happy. He jealously watches as
Billy helps Betty (Melinda Plowman) with her target
practice. With the stage is due any minute, Betty cleans up while Billy
heads into town to meet Mary and Uncle James.
Assumed
Dracula arrives at the local saloon, announces himself as Mr. James
Underhill, and checks into a hotel room. Billy hits town just as the
Sheriff (Roy
Barcroft -- the bad guy in almost every old serial you can think of)
brings the bad news about the stagecoach massacre. Billy offers
to break the bad news to Betty. The bartender overhears them and says
that Mr. Underhill is okay and upstairs. Assumed Dracula, whose been
eavesdropping, presents himself as Uncle James just as the Osters show
up. Recognizing him as the man who attacked her, Lisa screams. Raising
the Sheriff's interest, Assumed Dracula uses the pilfered picture of
Betty to convince him that he is who he says he is. "Uncle
James" then says to ignore the superstitious peasants and he'll be
out to the ranch in the morning. Billy heads home to break the bad news
to Betty about her mother.
Later
that night, Assumed Dracula breaks into the Oster's room and kills Lisa.
The next day,
after Assumed Dracula moves out to the Bar-B, Eva tracks down Billy and
begs him to keep an eye on "Uncle James." Convinced he’s a
vampire, Billy feels sorry for her and offers her a job at the ranch.
She takes it and begins hanging wolfsbane all over the place. (Which
would be great if there was a werewolf running loose.)
Things
settle down until Red and Billy finally have it out. And oddly enough,
Red kicks the crap out of him. Billy visits Doc Hull (Olive
Caray -- picture Dr. Quinn: the old and cranky declining years.)
Her answer for any ailment is a good stiff drink. At
this point, Billy’s become suspicious of "Uncle James" and
tells the Doc all about the vampire stuff. It just so happens that Doc
Hull has a book on folklore so they both brush up on vampires. Armed
with this new information, Billy tracks Betty and Assumed Dracula down
at the old silver mine. Assumed Dracula has gone inside exploring, so
Billy confronts Betty with his suspicions. Now she thinks he's crazy. He
tells her to use a mirror on "Uncle James" to see if he casts
a reflection, and then it will be settled.
Red
finds out that Billy, Betty and Eva are conspiring against "Uncle
James" and rats them out. As Betty’s legal guardian, Assumed
Dracula locks her in her room and fires Billy, forcing him off the ranch
at gun point, and then banishes the Osters to the bunkhouse
(oh the horror!)
Later
at the saloon, a drunken Red draws on Billy. The Kid guns him down.
Sneaking back to the ranch, he arrives too late. Assumed Dracula has
already feasted on Betty’s neck. Eva and Billy sneak her out of the
house and take her to Doc Hull. As
Doc examines Betty’s wounds, the Sheriff shows up and arrests Billy
for killing Red. Even though it’s a clear-cut case of self-defense, he
still must stand trial.
While
Billy sits in jail, Assumed Dracula finds Betty and steals her back. Doc
Hull manages to hold a mirror up to him, and he casts no reflection. That
seals it, he is a vampire, and they finally have proof.
Busting
Billy out of jail, Doc Hull tries to give him a metal stake, but the
Kid insists his gun will do the trick and heads for the silver mine.
Knowing the bullets won’t work on a vampire, Doc Hull rounds up the
Sheriff and they head out in hot pursuit.
Assumed
Dracula brings Betty into the mine. He’s decorated it up to be their
home, and as soon as he finishes turning her into a vampire, it will be
their new home for all eternity. But before he can finish the dastardly
deed, Billy barges in -- guns a-blazing. He empties his six-shooter with
no effect, and then proceeds to get his butt kicked. Again. With Billy
out of the way, Assumed Dracula turns back to Betty. Fortunately, he’s
interrupted again; this time by Doc Hull and the Sheriff. He empties his
six-shooter into the vampire, too; again with no effect. Billy wakes up,
grabs the empty gun from the Sheriff and throws it at Dracula. Amazingly
enough, this old trick finally works! The gun conks Dracula in the head
and knocks him silly. Billy takes Doc Hull's stake and pounds it into
the vampire’s heart.
As
he does this, a bat slips away from the Assumed Dracula's cloak and
flutters outside where it lands.
Amazingly,
no one seems to notice this.
I pondered the cinematic impact and symbolism of this scene, but since
it has absolutely no bearing on the rest of the film, and makes my
head hurt, let’s just forget that I even brought it up. Back
to the film. We're almost done.
As
Assumed Dracula’s body decomposes, Betty wakes up, hearty and healthy, and they all
lived happily ever after.
The
end
As
I try to grasp for the right words to describe this film, all I can
come up with is disappointing. I was expecting something as awful as the
title would imply, but the film just simply isn’t all that bad. I was
hoping for something along the lines of Robot
Monster, and all I got was a Halloween episode of Bonanza.
Make
no mistake, there are plenty of goofs: The top hat wearing bat on a
string, the bad jump-cut F/X during the transformation scenes, and John
Carradine's red-tinted eye-bulging death-stare brought only fits of
laughter instead of the menace it intended. And as the hero, Billy sure
gets his ass kicked a lot.
As
I put this review to bed I pondered one more thing: The bite marks on
the victim’s neck. There were four puncture wounds instead of the
customary two, and I wondered if that made this film noteworthy as the first
canine vampire bites in screen history. Or was old Assumed Dracula just
not as accurate a shot as he used to be?
