Alas, our Mad Mammoth Monkey Marathon must sadly come to an end. As we like to say around these here parts -- Stick a fork in it, it’s done. And I can’t think of a better final turkey to gouge than the American/ Korean co-production of A*P*E.

The film opens with the S.S. Fisher Price desperately trying to stay afloat somewhere on the American Standard Sea. We find two old salts on the deck deep in conversation about the "big boy" down in the hold. One informs the other that the gas they used has him sleeping like a kitten. The other, who was present at the "big boys" capture, feels sorry for the 36-foot tall ape that’s destined to be the next attraction at Disneyland. Just as the first man brags about how the gas will keep it out for at least five more days, the boat begins to shake and a large hairy hand -- with giant press on nails! -- smashes up out of the hold. Before the crew can react, the S.S. Fisher Price inexplicably explodes in a huge fireball. When the smoke clears, we can barely make out our monster in the dark waters (and apparently completely unaffected by the explosion.)

The shaggy ape wades toward shore but encounters a little trouble in the shallows when he runs into a giant shark. The ape either attacks it or dances with it. (It’s really hard to tell which.) Then the ape gets bored and splits the shark in half. (This is a truly disturbing scene as it’s pretty obvious they are using a real "deceased" shark as a prop.) Coming ashore, the ape starts to make a general nuisance of himself. First he destroys the port facilities by chucking oil barrels around that inexplicably explode on impact. (A new volatile high grade crude?) This rampage continues until we quickly jump to the Korean International Airport in Seoul. Crack reporter Tom Rose (Rod Arrants) is there to pick up his girlfriend, Marilyn (Joanna de Verona -- better known today as Joanna Kerns of Growing Pains fame), who has come to Korea to star in a new movie. 

She wades through the local paparazzi to meet him. These two lovebirds can’t quite get over the matrimonial hump because she has issues with career over commitment. Taking her to the hotel, we get an extended padding sequence/tour of Seoul. (Seoul -- a city on the move, a city of industry, a city of the future…) They part ways, promising to meet later to talk things out.

Okay, waitaminute...He’s in an open field with no trees. HOW IN THE HELL DID HE NOT SEE HIM BEFORE?!? And in the daylight, we finally get a good look at our giant gorilla and all I could muster in my notes was this: I'd definitely get a refund on the Scotch-Guarding. Press on dear viewers at your own cinematic risk.

Back in Seoul, Captain Kim (Lee Nak Hoon), a member of the Korean security force, starts to receive calls about the gorilla attacking a small village. He assumes it’s a hoax but sends someone to investigate. The officer arrives to find the village burning and completely demolished. Kim contacts Colonel Davis (Alex Nicol -- who’s not quite as cranky as the General in Mighty Peking Man), his liaison to the American Military. Davis doesn’t believe it and claims it’s all a publicity stunt for the big movie that’s being shot.

We shift to a horde of kids breaking into a playground. While they play, the giant ape watches, obviously enchanted by the goings on. The kids get busted by their teacher who scolds them. One tries to take one more ride down the slide but spots the ape. The kids scatter in terror. (Again, how they couldn’t see him before is a mystery.) The ape wanders on and spots a giant snake sunning himself in a tree. Grabbing the snake, he tosses it away and the snake lands and slithers off. (Wow, not quite the epic battle the poster depicted.) Moving on, he interrupts the filming of a medieval martial arts film. The crew recovers from the initial panic and pelts the gorilla with flaming arrows, managing to drive it off.

Okey-dokey, at this point, I pause to let you know that A*P*E was shot in 3-D. And Paul Leder, the director, used the Dr. Tongue approach to 3-D by seizing every opportunity to thrust objects at the screen. The arrow attack is the first of many clumsy attempts to enhance the effect. Leder also employs the old rinse and repeat with his 3-D effects shots, so we see the same arrow, rock, and tank coming right at us again and again and again...

We next see a cow grazing. Then we pan back to see the gorilla step over a toy cow painted the same color. (This sequence got the biggest laugh out of me.) The ape then plays with some poor hang-glider (vroom-vroom). Tossing it around like a paper airplane, the ape is overcome with giddiness at this fanciful display. (This slow motion clap sequence got the second biggest laugh out of me.)

When Col. Davis hold a press conference about the giant menace, he promises that the monster will be captured or killed by nightfall. He also swears that the ape poses no immediate threat to anyone and the situation is under control. Tom is there but doesn’t believe him, so he badgers Davis with a couple of skeptical questions. As the conference ends, we discover that Kim and Tom are old buddies; so Kim allows him to accompany his expedition to find and neutralize the ape. They’ll be leaving in two hours. This gives Tom enough time to go to the movie set and warn Marilyn. Arriving just in time to watch a rehearsal for the film's big rape scene, Marilyn’s co-star gets a little too rough, so the director (Leder himself) yells cut. (Damn method actors.) As the director tries to get his male lead to tone it down, Tom and Marilyn have a talk about marriage and giant monkeys. She’s still not sure about the marriage, but promises to be wary of any giant monkeys.

Meanwhile, the ape is in the process of flattening another village. There is some unintentional slapstick here in a protracted scene of the fleeing citizens -- no matter where they go, or what corner they round -- who keep running right into the gorilla. But for some reason, Kim's patrol can't seem to find him. (You’d think his swath of destruction wouldn’t be that hard to follow.)

Back on the movie set, they’re still having some trouble with the rape scene. (Oy!) The director calls for action and the actors fight. Following the script, Marilyn manages to break away and flees from her tormentor. They have to redo the take, several times, due to technical difficulties, trying everyone's patience (including mine.) Unbeknownst to them, they have a new audience member watching from the hills. When they start the scene, again, it progresses nicely, but this time, Marilyn runs right into the giant ratty-natty hand with the press on nails. 

Enchanted with his new prize, the ape wanders off. The director flags down Kim’s patrol and tells them the beast has captured Marilyn. They put a call into Davis who sends reinforcements. Stupefied by the orders to catch the beast alive with all the death and destruction it has caused, Davis feels the monster should be shot on sight.

While the others track the gorilla, Tom is worried, believing the gorilla will kill Marilyn. Kim isn’t so sure; he feels if that were the case, the ape would have killed her right away. Cradled in the monkey’s paw, Marilyn pleads "Be gentle big fella" and then strikes a disturbingly prostate pose in his hand. As the ape coos with excitement, a fleet of helicopters comes into sight. Preparing for battle, the ape sits her down, allowing her to scramble into a narrow cave. The ape tries to grab her but his hand won’t fit in the hole. (Is the film trying to tell us something here? Forty foot monkey -- five foot girl?) The helicopters circle closer while ground troops launch a gas bomb attack. Tom borrows a jeep to sneak in and save Marilyn. And while the ape knocks a few choppers out of the sky (sorely missing the gonging sound that they added in It Came From Hollywood), Tom finds Marilyn and whisks her away. The battle rages on and the ape flips the army the bird.

Okay, movie. With that gesture, it's now official. I surrender. Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! We are now on cruise control.

Kim tells Tom to take the girl back to his place in Seoul. During the trip, they still can’t commit to marriage. (This is done completely by voiceover over shots of the jeep making several  right turns.) Marilyn confesses that she, somehow, felt safe with the ape, and found something appealing in his eyes. (Don’t look at me. I gave up, remember?) Tom doesn’t like that kind of talk, so she accuses him of being jealous.

As Tom drops Marilyn off, she wishes they’d just catch the ape and send him home. He says that isn’t likely, and before he leaves, he mentions that he knows a Buddhist priest that has never married two Caucasians before. (Hey! I’ve heard that joke.) She asks if he’s free on Saturday. (Awwww…) While he heads back to cover the ape story, Kim's wife and children welcome Marilyn into their home.

The gorilla has reached the outskirts of Seoul and starts tearing up the buildings while looking for Marilyn. The authorities quickly evacuate the city -- but somebody forgot to warn or check on the occupants of Kim’s house. (They were obviously distracted by that creepy marionette.) As Tom links back up with Kim, the streets of Seoul are quiet, too quiet, but not for long! The monkey rampages into downtown Seoul. At Kim’s house, they can hear the monster getting closer. At Army HQ, the casualty reports are mounting, causing Davis to call General Pak, the supreme military commander of all South Korea. After he rips the roof off of Kim’s house, the ape finds what he’s looking for. He scoops Marilyn up and heads out of town just as Davis finally gets permission to "kill that hairy sonofabitch."

They track the beast down, and despite it having the girl, Davis gives the order to open fire. As the mobilized tanks and machine guns start blasting away (in 3-D again, so the same toy tanks pop off and the same soldier thrusts the barrel of his gun at the screen and fires again and again and again…), the ape shields the girl from the rain of bullets with its body. The music starts to turn sappy as the wounded gorilla gently sits her down. Tom swipes another jeep and rescues her.

Badly wounded, the ape still has a lot of fight left in him. He starts chucking rocks at the tanks and manages to smash a few of them. (The same rock three times. He does have one hell of a curveball though.) He then causes a rockslide, that forces the infantry to retreat, but Davis has too much firepower. After taking several direct hits from the tanks, the ape then vomits up a shower of blood (ewwww!), keels over and dies -- much to Davis’ delight.

Tom consoles Marilyn, saying "It was just too big for a small world like ours." (Oh, brother.)

Now, having sat through the entire film, the most mind-boggling element of A*P*E is when you realize that aside from a few coos and trills, the giant ape makes absolutely no noise. No grunts. No ook-ooks. No primal screams. As I watched the film I felt that something was missing, and it wasn’t until the first battle with the helicopters did I realize the monkey was a mute. (Has anyone else noticed this?) He just dopily wanders around the countryside, switching from fits of playfulness to tantrums of utter destruction. This drastic shift doesn’t allow the audience to really identify with or take sides on the big monkey issue.

The editing is also really bad with a ton of jarring jump cuts. Scenes don't change, they abruptly end and switch to a different locale. And if you listen real close, you can hear the director start to yell cut that made it into the film's soundtrack!

This film is yet another attempt to cash in on the Kong-mania generated by Dino D’s much ballyhooed remake. The director’s character in the film is even named Dino. It also tried to cash in on the JAWS phenomenon by having the ape fight a giant shark. It also tries to cash in on Beyond the Green Door by naming its female lead Marilyn Chambers.

My advice, if you’ve seen the clip in It Came From Hollywood, then that’s enough. The film is so padded out that with that brief clip you’ve basically seen the entire movie. If you haven’t, and happen to find this stink-burger, then do what I did (duck and cover): shut the brain off, or you’ll be the one flipping the bird at your TV screen.

If nothing else, the film really makes you appreciate the fine Kaiju and miniature model work that Toho has been putting out for years. It takes more than a guy in a monster suit running amok on a cardboard set to make something entertaining. Haven't I said that already? Oh, boy -- too many Monkey Movies. No more! They’re all starting to run together. Yipe. Monkeys! Mammoth Monkeys all over me! Aaauugghh! Get them off! Get them oooofffff!

More Monkey See, Monkey Doo-Doo!

Posted: 04/19/01. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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