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And
the director said, "Let there be
light."
And
there was light, and it was good.
Then
the director said, "Let there be
sound."
Check.
Then
the director said, "Let there be
action."
And
things, very quickly, went to hell in the
proverbial hand-basket.
Our
film today is a documentary that centers
around two aspiring filmmakers: Director
Clive Walton (Michael
Riley) and producer Marvin
Handleman (Stephen Rappaport).
Their only real experience is B-grade
pictures like the (faux)
films She-Beast, Nude Ninjas
and Alpha-Deatha-De-Kappa, but they've
somehow managed to get major studio
backing for And
God Spoke
-- a proposed adaptation of the Bible,
completely, from "In the
beginning..." to "Happily ever
after(?)." (And
that should be you're first clue as to
where all this is headed.) With
visions of grandeur and dollar signs
dancing in their heads (and a big
tax write-off it flops) things
commence.
As
the production gets started, things
quickly fall apart before the cameras even
roll. The 2,000-page script needs a little
reworking. (The scriptwriter claims
to have been under a divine influence
while typing.) And a few pre-production
snags scrap location filming in the Holy
Land, so the familiar sights of Bronson
Canyon will have to be substituted.
Casting goes nowhere. They wanted Marlon
Brando, but they get Soupy Sales. (The
only other real name actor they get is Eve
"Jan Brady" Plumb to play Noah's
wife.) The actress cast for Eve has
a pretty face (and nice hooters),
but failed to mention her full length body
tattoo. And Adam is a method actor who is,
well, "blessed" and refuses to
put his clothes back on.
Things
continue to get out of hand as the budget
escalates and principal shooting
commences. Nothing works. The special-effects
fizzle (as the burning bush refuses
to ignite); there's major set
problems (as the replica of Noah's
Ark won't fit on the sound stage);
and Abel (Andy Dick) won't
do his scene with Cain (Lou
Ferrigno) because he thought he was
supposed to win the fight; and the scenes
where Jesus walks on the water grinds to a
halt because no one knows for sure how
many disciples he had. (It's
obvious that for everyone in involved it's
been a loooong time since Sunday School.)
Soon
enough, they're terminally behind schedule
and over-budget, and drastic cuts will
have to be made (Sodom and Gomorra
are out, three plagues of Egypt instead of
10) and some things will have to be
left out like the Psalms,
Deuteronomy...the New Testament.
Horrified
by the dailies, the studio withdraws its
money, leaving Clive and Marvin to try and
raise more money themselves to finish the
picture -- including product placement.
That's why Moses (Sales)
comes down from Mount Sinai with
The Ten Commandments and a six-pack of
Coke. Tensions rise as they have to resort
to commando filmmaking, shooting the
Nativity at a local church display without
permission or permit.
Even
though at this point they aren't even
speaking to each other anymore, Clive and
Marvin refuse to let the production die.
Cobbling what footage they have together
with stock footage, that never matches up,
they try to fix it in post-production and
add an accordion powered soundtrack. (It's
the only instrument either could play.)
They
release the film with the expected
disastrous results. But the film proves so
ineptly bad that it becomes a surprise
cult hit in the vein of Rocky Horror
and Plan
Nine From Outer Space,
convincing our filmmakers to try again
with The
Iliad.
God
help us all.
The
End
There
never was a real movie; And
God Spoke...
is a mockumentary in the style of This
Is Spinal Tap,
only this time the target is the film
industry instead of an over-the-hill, but
still rocking rock-n-roll band.
I
always get a kick out of these behind the
scenes comedies: Living
in Oblivion,
Hollywood
Boulevard I and
II,
Waiting
for Gufmann
and it's progeny. Heck, even Singing
in the Rain
spends a good portion of the film showing
a movie studio's disastrous attempt to
switch from silent to sound films.
Brothers
Arthur and Mark Borman co-wrote and
directed this hilarious piece on
movie-makers whose aptitude and skills
don't quite match up to their visions of
greatness. And it's about the compromises
of those visions and how anything, and
usually everything, that can go wrong WILL
go wrong while trying to bring those
visions to the big screen. And, it's how
those dreams and visions are, inevitably,
dashed and stomped into the asphalt. In
this case, all that was missing was the
raining fire and falling brimstone.
As
the cameras turn a unflinching eye on
these self-absorbed cretins, we see these
aren't bad people. They care, but
get too absorbed in the minutia -- and
their own personal image -- that it's far
too late to salvage anything once they
realize things are unraveling. Of course,
it's never their own fault. Well,
according to them anyways.
This
is truly one funny film. The
documentarians cover all aspects of the
production, from the vapid actors, surly
Union reps, the lazy grips, the theme
specific caterers, to the F/X, wardrobe
and prop departments, and they all prove
to be about as inept as the guys in
charge. Keep your eyes open throughout
because while they're interviewing people
there's always some funny bits of business
going on behind them.
Now,
don't be too concerned about this film,
folks. I can honestly say it doesn't have
a blasphemous bone in its body. At no
point does it make fun of any aspect of
the Bible or the stories, proverbs and
life lessons to be found within. It just
provides the framework for a series of
comical disasters that might have even
tested the patience of Job.
Check
it out and you'll see what I mean.
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