Our film takes place in what we in the comic book world like to term an alternate universe. There, like here, back in the late 70’s, America was in the grip of an energy crisis and running out of fuel. Here, we eventually recovered. There, things didn’t turn out quite so nice:

In this reality, the Muslims and the Jews put aside their differences and formed the United Hebrab Republic and never lifted the embargo; China became a capitalist state and kicked Russia’s ass in a nuclear war; Vietnam became the new hotspot of tourism and gambling rivaling the French Riviera. (Which was now, along with most of Europe and Africa, part of the Hebrab Republic.) As a country, America was "nozzle whipped." Cars stopped moving and were eventually turned into low-income housing units. People either walked or biked to their destinations, and what little energy was produced was spent on the one thing vital to America’s survival -- television.

Eventually, the American People revolted against the government and lynched then President Carter and his most snotty cabinet members. After the bloody coup, the country was in turmoil for almost twenty years, surviving on borrowed money. A new leader was needed with the toughness of Teddy Roosevelt and the leadership of FDR. What they found was Chet Roosevelt (John Ritter), scientologist, and a firm believer in primal grope therapy, whose only real qualification was his last name.

When Chet wins in a landslide with his "I’m not a schmuck" platform, his first order of business is to try and get the country out of debt. America’s richest man, Sam Birdwater (Chief Dan George), had loaned the government 400-billion dollars, and now he wants it back. He's given Chet thirty days to cough it up or the loan is in default. Birdwater made his billions by cashing in on the fad of clown shoes and designer roller skates, and his company, NIKE (National Indian Knitting Enterprises), seems to be the only manufacturer left because everyone’s clothes bear the NIKE logo. (Strange foreshadowing, there, in the late '70s.) 

The only problem is, Chet is more worried about everyone’s cosmic balance and getting his secretary, Lucy (Nancy Morgan), back in the sack than the country's financial stability. So he leaves most of the decisions up to his cabinet and Vince Vanderhoff, his Chief of Staff (Fred Willard). They try to raise money by having a marihuana smoke-off, a win a date with the Secretary of Agriculture, and filled the Statue of Liberty with jellybeans for a "guess how many" contest; but none of them work.

Out of ideas, Vanderhoff brings in McMurkin (Peter Reigert), a former TV exec, to help out. President Chet wants to hold a raffle for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, but McMurkin says that raffles don’t work on TV, so they should try a telethon instead. Chet loves the idea, and tweaks into the Americathon: a plea to the American people for donations to save the country.

Worried that the government won’t be able to come up with the money, and he’ll be stuck with the worthless collateral -- the good ole’ U.S. of A. -- Birdwater is assured by Vanderhoff that he represents a certain party that would gladly take all that land off his hands. The Hebrabs are his hidden backers, and Vanderhoff guarantees them that with his sabotaging, the Americathon won’t work and the country is as good as theirs. And just in case he needs help, the Hebrabs have an elite commando assassin squad on call.

Vanderhoff’s tinkering starts at the top when he’ll only clear Monte Rushmore (Harvey Korman), a cross-dressing cocaine addict, to be the host, and the only acts he’ll allow are ventriloquists. And as the thirty-day long telethon kicks off with a wild musical number, the chemically altered Monte believes the Americathon is his ticket back to stardom, and it will only go as far as he (and his briefcase full of drugs) can take it.

But the telethon doesn't go over very well. The show does get a small boost when Vietnamese Puke Rocker, Mu Ling Jackson (Zane Buzby), performs. As Chet and Lucy watch the show in the First Bedroom, she wants to go to where they’re filming and help out. He thinks that's a great idea, but Chet only really wants to go so he can try that primal grope therapy on Mu Ling.

His first act finds Oklahoma Roy Perkins (Meatloaf), the world’s greatest daredevil, in full gladiator gear, battling the last running car in America. And after a rousing battle Roy slays the car, and the phones start ringing off the hook. During the carnage, Chet meets with Mu Ling and sets up a sexual rendezvous, but doesn’t realize that Lucy overheard them. Then Chet encourages Lucy to stay and help with the telethon while he leaves for an "important meeting", she agrees and sets her scorned sights on McMurkin.

During the interim, Monte’s megalomania is starting to get the better of him (and he’s running low on drugs.) When they finally get back on the air, they have a lot of ground to make up; so the acts start getting even a little weirder. Like when Tommy Lasorda does the play by play for boxing match between Poopie Butt (Jay Leno) and his mother, and Poopie-Butt gets his ass kicked. These strange acts help, but eventually, the money flow starts tapering off again. Not taking any chances, the Hebrab commandos strike again, kidnapping President Chet and Mu Ling from the First Bedroom. When Monte announces their ransom demands live on TV, the plan backfires because the rest of Chet’s cabinet can’t stand his primal groping butt. Again, Vanderhoff is outvoted and they refuse to pay the ransom. Monte announces that they won’t deal with the terrorists and the Americathon will continue -- because President Chet would have wanted that way.

The show picks up steam again when a pint of Oklahoma Roy’s blood goes up for auction. As the phones go crazy, Monte grabs McMurkin and pleads with him; the audience wants more blood, and could they, maybe, possibly, I don't know, kill somebody to boost the donations? Having had enough of Monte, and the show, McMurkin leaves. Lucy goes with him back to his house -- a roomy hatchback -- and they do the horizontal bop in the back-seat/bedroom. (Watch out for that stick shift.)

Monte was right; they do want to see somebody die. (McMurkin comments if that was all it took, he would have shot Monte himself a long time ago.) The wound is superficial, but Monte milks it, claiming to the public that it is fatal, and, if they love him, to send all their money now! Before it's too late!

For those of us that can remember back that far -- and sweet Jeezus I’m getting old -- back in 1978, America was in the midst of an oil embargo and an energy crisis that makes the $2.00 gas hike we had during the summer of 2000 a mere nuisance. Eventually, the embargo was lifted, Reaganonomics took over, and the oil flowed in, resulting, eventually, into SUV’s and soccer moms. (OPEC’s revenge? You be the judge.)

Americathon is strangely prophetic in some instances (like the whole Nike casual wear thing), and if nothing else it shows us our priorities haven’t changed a whole lot in the last twenty years.

So, there are some other funny moments in Americathon, but a lot of it comes off as kinda shticky. The absurd stuff comes off as funny, while other jokes are pretty dated and won’t make a whole lot of sense if you’re under twenty. Those of you in the age appropriate bracket, however, will probably have a few yuks at the film's expense.

Posted: 08/12/00. Copy and paste at your own legal risk.

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